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Ross Murray's Border Report
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Ross Murray
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is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, Quebec. You can reach him at ross_murray@sympatico.ca
Posted 11.29.11
Stanstead, Quebec

ROSS MURRAY

I'm sexy and I know it -- but People still doesn't

To my many fans (4), the creators of the Tumblr blog "Heck Yes Ross!" and the woman in the bathrobe who stands on the corner waving at me when I go to work:

As you are by now aware, I have once again been passed over as People magazine's Sexiest Man Alive in favour of one Bradley Cooper, an actor of moderate renown with a certain douchey quality that appeals to a distressing number of women.

Since his cover-page coronation, I have not been oblivious to the outcry over the further snubbing of my subliminal sexiness, and rest assured that I have appreciated all the e-mails of support cleverly encoded as offers for penis enlargement.

However, I need to make it clear that People did not intentionally overlook my ever-so-subtle hotness. Instead, this year I officially withdrew my name from the competition in protest.

"Please, Ross, don't deprive the glossy-reading public their supermarket validation of your Waldo-esque good looks and your come-hither eyebrows," the People at People probably said when they read my letter, too overwhelmed by emotion to actually write back. "You represent the very essence of life in our times -- shortsighted, lacking substance, and mildly disturbing."

But no, I would have none of it. Despite my years of lobbying for the SMA title (those full-page ads depicting me in the sequined spacesuit under the title "A-Ross The Universe" won't be forgotten any time soon, certainly not by my children), I have come to realize that the entire SMA process has become corrupted and that the high standards of masculine sexiness for which our forefathers fought and died have been sullied by politics and self-interest.

Gone are the days when one's sexiness was judged on the merits of box office performance, the upcoming release of a major motion picture, or a moderately successful recent speaking engagement at the Eastern Townships Kazoo Club. Now it's not how you look but who you know. Well-groomed chin stubble also seems to play a significant role.

We need look no further for evidence of problems inherent within the SMA system than at this year's selection of Cooper over Ryan Gosling, another actor who has apparently been in some films. Personally, I don't get his sex appeal but women I've asked have described him as "Ma-hamma-ma-hamma!"

That Gosling was clearly the superior cover boy is evidenced in the fact that dozens of women protested in front of People's office earlier this week, a protest that quickly became known as the "Occupy Ryan Gosling's Bare Chest" movement.

"Gosling-gate," as the scandal has been dubbed (or alternatively "Coopergate," and sometimes "Gosling-Coopergate," which is not to be confused with the law firm that settled those outlandish paternity suits against me, Gosling Coopergate Slunge), has taken on such significance that it nearly overshadowed this week's even more important world news, namely the return of Sidney Crosby.

Whom do we blame for this travesty? Whom can we point the finger at in order to obtain some fleeting sense of mild satisfaction? Whom can I personally hold accountable for all those years of being overlooked?

One theory is that, after last year's questionable anointing of this-close-to-being-cross-eyed Ryan Reynolds, the judges could not stomach naming another Ryan and, worse, another Canadian.

But quite frankly, as with figure skating, I blame the French judges.

Can't imagine how that can be? Well, consider that Bradley Cooper is perfectly fluent in French. (Google it if you don't believe me.) Coincidence? Je ne pense pas!

Until there is a proper review of the Sexiest Man Alive selection process, I will continue to boycott this competition. So if you fail to see me on the cover of People next year, you'll understand why.

Bitter? I'm not bitter. Just disappointed. And sexy.

But hey, fans (now 3), be sure to look for me on the cover of the February issue of Modern Dork!

Ross Murray's collection, You're Not Going to Eat That, Are You?, is available in Quebec in area book stores and through www.townships.ca. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca.

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