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Ross Murray's Border Report
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Ross Murray
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is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, Quebec. You can reach him at ross_murray@sympatico.ca
Posted 02.27.09
Stanstead, Quebec

ROSS MURRAY

Stock Losers 2009

"The musical is back!" brayed Hugh Jackman at Sunday's Academy Awards. And not a moment too soon.

You may recall that during the Dirty Thirties, when the population was out of work, and prospects looked bleak, and global conflict appeared imminent, people turned to Hollywood musicals for relief: Anything Goes, The Gay Divorcé, Gold Diggers of 1935...

So here we are in the - what? the Numb Millennium? the Tawdry Two-Thousands? the End Times? The population is out of work, and prospects look bleak, and global warming appears imminent.

To help lighten the mood, ladies and gentlemen, I present you scenes from the upcoming musical, Stock Losers of 2009...

Scene 1: Opening number

A bustling city sidewalk. Up-tempo music, pedestrians sing:

We're all out of work
But, hey, that's okay.
Who needs a jo-o-ob
A-a-a-nyway?
To lack of employment
Our hats we do doff
We're making the most of
Getting la-a-a-aid offff!

[Spoken]
Laid-off advertising executive: "I'm writing that novel I've always wanted to write!"
Downsized factory worker: "I'm taking an interest in my kids for the very first time!"
Bank CEO: "I'm getting in touch with my feelings now that I'm only making half a million a year!"
Single mom: "I'm enjoying the many varieties of cat food!"

Our investments in the tanker
But we just want to thank yer
For giving us the opportunity-y-y-y
To learn from this recession
A most important lesson:
We all must treasure life's necesitie-e-e-es
So what if we can't pay our bills or feed our families or count on our retirement savings
At least we have our h-e-e-e-ealth!
[Shouted] FOR NOW!

Scene 2: Comedy bit

Location: Climate change conference, dialogue between delegate A and B

A: Boy, it's hot.
B: Yup, sure is hot.
A: Hot as heck.
B: Watch the language, bub.
A: Sorry, boss. Hot as Grandma's insoles.
B: That's better.
A: It's global warming, right?
B: That's right. We're all gonna fry.
A: Who fries first?
B: Yes.
A: I mean the country that's going to disintegrate into drought and famine.
B: "Who."
A: That's what I'm asking: who is going to fry first?
B: That's right.
A: What's right?
B: "Who."
A: I don't know!
B: No, "I don't know" collapses into anarchy and xenophobic violence second. "Who" fries first.
A: That's what I'm asking you!
[Etcetera]

Scene 3: Dance of the energy analysts

Oil!
You know we sure did have fun with it.
Oil!
You know we're gonna run out of it.

We based our whole society on endless supplies
But now it's at a trickle and we seem so surprised.

Oil!
Alas we have no alte-r-r-rnative
We're pretty much all scre-e-e-wed!

Scene 4: Back on the street

A: "Hey, down-on-your luck autoworker, why are you sitting there grinning? Don't you know that the auto industry is in terrible shape and likely to contribute to our economic demise?"
B: "Sure, mister, I know things are dire. But I've got hope. Hope, my friend, because I voted...

Obama-a-a-a
A stirring of hope that is helping me cope with
My mama-a-a-a
Who's fresh out of work and is being a jerk

We've placed all our hopes in this virile new president
To save all our bacon we hope he's not hesitant

Bail ou-u-u-ts
Pumping in money for piggish execs with their
Pale snou-u-uts
Asking for more when they've just squandered scores

Who cares that Obama has zero experience
We're lost in this blissful post-voting deliriance

Obama-a-a-a, Obama-a-a-a
The savior of us all-l-l-l-l!

Finale

Onto the street walks none other than President Obama himself!

"This great country was built on hard work. We must struggle to right wrongs. We must look to the future. But most of all, we need someone to take the fall."

[Slow crooning]
Bush and his pals
Won't be getting off easy
And not just because they are all
Kind of sleazy

It's not 'cause our phone chats they boldly recorded.
It's due to insurgents who got waterboarded

[Chorus of federal lawyers join Obama in jaunty dance number]
We're gonna pross- pross- prosecute for
Tor-r-r-rturin'
We're gonna cross, cross, cross them out for
Tor-r-r-rturin'

We sorta liked ya, Dubya. Hey, you seemed a little zany
Too bad you were so chummy with that foul bastard Cheney

We're gonna pross- pross- prosecute for
Tor-r-r-rturin'
Let's have some good war cri-i-i-i-mes!

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