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Ross Murray's Border Report
Ross Murray
Ross Murray
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is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, Quebec. You can reach him at ross_murray@sympatico.ca
Posted 10.06.06
Stanstead, Quebec

ROSS MURRAY

A Thanksgiving, Turkey

Excuse me, please, everyone, can I have your attention? Cousin Shane, could you stop dangling the baby over the gravy boat for a minute? I'd like to say a few words before we tuck into this delicious Thanksgiving meal.

Don't worry, Mom, the food's not going to get cold. Besides, this will give an extra moment to admire the bounty before us and inspect the spinach for traces of E-coli.

First of all, it's good to see everyone again, especially after last year's get-together. As you can see, most of the repairs are done, except for the Jacuzzi, which believe it or not is still under investigation. Who knew there was so much red tape involved in dealing with bio-hazards?

Anyway, I'm glad to see we've all moved on. Most of us, at least. Unfortunately, my sister still has "issues" about whether the peanuts were or were not intentionally added to the turkey stuffing. Honestly, though, I think she's exaggerating the severity of her allergy.

Still, forgiving and forgetting, counting our blessings, that's what Thanksgiving's all about, isn't it? For example, I've forgiven Shane for forgetting to pay me back the $2000 he borrowed to "invest" in his dot-com venture "Goggle.com." I guess not as many people misspelled "Google" as we thought, eh cuz? Oh, and by the way, good luck with "Ya-who.com."

And as far as counting blessings go, I think we're all grateful that the doctors were able to successfully remove Aunt Doreen's gall bladder. And I know we were all thrilled to hear from her that, with her gall bladder now gone, Fifth Columnists no longer control her thoughts. No, that's okay, Aunt Doreen, we don't need to see the scar.

And speaking of family, we have some new faces this year. Well, returning faces, actually. Hi, Louise. Welcome back. Haven't seen you since you and my little brother Ray broke up, what is it, four years ago? And what a pleasure to meet your little boy Attila. Now that Ray's read through the child-support papers, I'd just like to say, "Welcome to the family, little fella!" And I, for one, like your pet tarantula.

Family. That's also what it's all about, right? I think we should be so grateful that we have holidays like Thanksgiving to bring us all together. In fact, when I think of Dad working on his fifth marriage, I see the glass as half full - Dad's just doing his part to make this family bigger and greater. It's not every dad, you know, who would invite all his ex-wives to dinner. Very courageous, Dad. But could you tell Mitzi to let go of Brandee's hair?

I know, Mom, the foods getting cold. But before we eat, there's one more thing. I'm sure many of you are wondering whether I'll be reciting one of my famous poems this year. In fact, my sister Janine just asked "You're not going to do a poem, are you?" The answer is no, not this year. Instead, I'd like to sing for you a little song about last year's Thanksgiving meal. It's based on that famous song from The Wizard of Oz:

Somewhere over the mango
Cheese curds fly
Bird lies under the table
Just like my cousin Guy

Somewhere great gobs of Jell-O
Stick like glue
On the painting of Grandma
Sporting a blue hairdo

A-way up on the ceiling high
Are bits of rhubarb-apple pie
And parsley
The stuffing's on the basement stairs
And here come the Nanaimo squares
The beans are on me

Somewhere my mashed potato's
Drawing flies
And the yam that I dreamed of
Just hit me in the eye

Well, that's about it. Tuck in, everyone. I just hope we all remember what's important: family. And having adequate insurance.

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