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Ross Murray's Border Report
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Ross Murray
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is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, Quebec. You can reach him at ross_murray@sympatico.ca
Posted 02.19.11
Stanstead, Quebec

ROSS MURRAY

Hundred percent chance of weather

Here is your seven-day weather forecast for the Eastern Townships of Quebec, along with road conditions, school closures, winning lottery numbers, and a no-fail recipe for Crepes Suzette.

Thursday

Early snow showers will turn to hail at mid-morning and then turn to Mecca at noon for midday prayers. Mountainous regions will see a 60 percent chance of being majestic, while the merely hilly regions will undergo periods of jealousy for those smug mountains with all their gung-ho climbers and rock-clinging lichens and overall ruggedness. Stupid mountains! Temperatures will fluctuate like the popularity of Brittany Spears.

Friday

A few clouds. Then a few more. Then gone just like that. Clouds: so unreliable. One minute they're looking like a bunny holding an Uzi and the next they're resembling your third grade teacher in one of her gin-soaked rages. Chance of dankness late in the day with a strong possibility of failure to meet parental expectations. Low minus 7. Hi Mom.

Saturday

Temperatures will be unseasonably mild in the morning, hovering around plus 5 degrees, although with the wind it will feel more like plus 16 -- it's a strange wind, what can we say? By mid-afternoon, however, temperatures will plummet like necklines at a Hollywood awards show to minus 12. And then up to plus 3 by teatime. Then down again to minus 6 by Vespers. Up briefly for about seven minutes to plus 1 just in time to catch a rerun of "Charles in Charge." Then down to minus 3! Up to plus 12! Down to minus 7! Then -- can you believe it? -- up to 50 percent off! Risk of freezing rain.

Sunday

60 Percent possibility of asking "What the heck is 'Vespers' anyway?" followed by a 40% possibility of an answer plagiarized from Wikipedia explaining that Vespers is the evening prayer service in the Catholic, Eastern Orthodox, Anglican and Lutheran liturgies. Chance of a nod of acknowledgement along with scattered disdain for employing such highfalutin words in the first place.

Monday SNOWFALL WARNING IN EFFECT! This could be the big one. No, seriously. Storm of the early century! We know we've cried wolf before but THIS TIME WE'RE SERIOUS! Look at us using CAPITAL LETTERS and excitable red typeface. There's a-gonna be snow like you wouldn't believe. You'll be telling your grandchildren about this one... if you survive. Whoops! Did we say that? Don't want to cause a panic. But seriously, you should panic. Amount 5 to 250 cm, except in Ayer's Cliff, where it will be sunny. I know; weird, right?

Tuesday

Snow! We've got snow! We've got so much snow, we don't know what to do with it! We've got to get rid of all this snow to make way for more snow moving in! So come on down to Chad's House of Surplus Snow for stupendous savings on snow and snow-related accessories. We've got bargains on this week's white stuff and further discounts on last week's not-so-white stuff.

Hurry! I said, "Hurry!" Why aren't you listening? Hurry!!! Can't you see that these deals won't last, not unlike your average meteorologist's marriage? There's a blizzard of savings to be had, and that's money you can put in the snow bank!

Wednesday

Honestly, we have no idea what the weather will be like this far ahead. Do you think we can actually predict the weather that accurately? Meteorology isn't much different than looking out the window, only our window has a longer view than yours. But seven days? In February? Are you serious?

Sigh... fine...

There's a low pressure over Kapuskasing, which will push a dry air mass and a couple of Alanis Morissette impersonators into the St. Lawrence Valley, causing high winds and bad mojo.

Weather watch in effect for weather watchers who fool themselves into believing that knowing it's going to happen makes winter weather that much less atrocious.

Ross Murray's collection, You're Not Going to Eat That, Are You?, is available in Quebec in area book stores and through www.townships.ca. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca.

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