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Ross Murray's Border Report
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Ross Murray
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is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, Quebec. You can reach him at ross_murray@sympatico.ca
Posted 12.07.10
Stanstead, Quebec

ROSS MURRAY

Wiki Canada

When the Globe & Mail reported recently that "Canada barely rates a mention" in the WikiLeaks cable dump, you could almost hear the sulking disappointment. Dang; ignored by the cool kids again.

Canada aches to be perceived as relevant on the world stage -- even when that relevance has to do with state secrets and calling various world leaders doody-heads (or words to that effect). By implying in coverage of the WikiLeaks dump that we don't even rate up there with Yemen, we once again come across as the sad sack of nations, a Charlie Brown country with a permanent seat on the UN Insecurity Council.

Ironically, one of the first Canada-related WikiLeaks cables to emerge this week stated that the US feels Canada suffers from an inferiority complex.

Duhhh!

Since Monday, though, there have been further Canadian revelations as additional classified documents have been released. Here, then, are some of the highlights:

  • Throughout March 2010, in an effort to convince the Harper government to repatriate suspected terrorist Omar Khadr to Canada, US operatives regularly rang Prime Minister Stephen Harper's doorbell and then ran away. The report also notes that these operatives were dressed as characters from Star Trek for no apparent reason.

  • The CIA's codename for Liberal leader Michael Ignatieff is "The Professor." Their codename for Bloc Québécois leader Gilles Duceppe is "Gilligan." NDP leader Jack Layton has no codename.

  • In the waning days of President Bush's second term, the White House felt that it was imperative for Canada to move further to the political right. According to a cable from the US Embassy in Ottawa, diplomats suggested that this could be achieved by giving Liberal leader Stéphane Dion a public wedgie. A later document reports that so-called "undie operatives" were ready to strike at a giant pumpkin festival in Windsor, NS, but, after hearing Dion's campaign speech, they felt that there was no need to put him through further humiliation.

  • An email from Environment Minister John Baird accuses the US of "conducting experiments that are melting the polar ice cap." A subsequent email, however, explains that this was a typo and that what he had really meant to state was that the US was "conducting experiments that are melting my Tim Horton's Iced Capp." Baird's email signature closes with, "I _ tar sands."

  • According to an initial draft of a speech prepared for Barrack Obama's first state visit to Canada in early 2009, the president was originally going to greet the press with Prime Minister Harper by announcing in a Cuban accent, "Say hallo to my liddle friend!"

  • In addition to complaining to a US counterpart that Canadians have an "Alice in Wonderland" attitude towards global terrorism, former CSIS director Jim Judd also said that Canadians had a "Catcher in the Rye" attitude towards youth crime, a "Go, Dog, Go!" attitude towards animal cruelty, and a "Love in the Time of Cholera" attitude towards love in the time of cholera.

  • In a Twitter exchange at the G20 Summit in Toronto between Minister of Foreign Affairs Lawrence Cannon and US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, Cannon wrote, "Canadians are the most tolerant people in the world, and anyone who says otherwise I will punch in the face," to which Clinton replied, "Whatever, dude." Cannon then invited Clinton to "join me later for a 'cannonball' in the artificial lake" The correspondence ends there.
See, Canada? They like us! They really like us!

Well... maybe.

They know we exist! They really know we exist!

Ross Murray's collection, You're Not Going to Eat That, Are You?, is available in Quebec in area book stores and through www.townships.ca. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca.

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