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Ross Murray's Border Report
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Ross Murray
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is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, Quebec. You can reach him at ross_murray@sympatico.ca
Posted 05.12.15
Stanstead, Quebec

ROSS MURRAY

The only workout you'll never need

STANSTEAD, QUEBEC | One of the main reasons people avoid going to the gym is because gyms are stupid.

If people need another reason to avoid the gym, it's because, like many things we try for the first time, gyms can be strange and intimidating, the difference being that most of those other things we try for the first time don't involve tight shorts and being harshly judged by strangers.

That's why I've perfected the You Don't Have To Go To The Gym To Work Out Workout(tm), or YDHTGTTGTWOW(tm) for short, or The Ross Workout(tm) for even shorter. Honestly, I don't know why you'd call it by the longer name at all, unless you want to work out your tongue. HA-HA!

(Please note that the YDHTGTTGTWOW(tm) does not work out your tongue. For more on tongue workouts, read my best-selling pamphlet "Ithn't There Thomething I Can Do to Thtrengthen My Tongue? Yeth!") So lose the tight shorts, but please do wear something in case company drops by, and let's get working out the Ross Way(tm)!

I Want to Know What Lunge Is

Stretching is key to any workout because it effectively delays the actual working out. (See my Oscar-nominated self-help video "Putting the 'Pro' in 'Procrastination'" [VHS only].) Before you can work your muscles and your bendy parts, you need to make sure you have some. This is what ZZ Top were on about when they sang, "She got legs/She knows how to use them/She never begs/She knows how to choose them." Choose what, exactly? Her legs? Are legs optional? This is what you need to find out. Bend and stretch to reach into the far back of that cabinet where you keep your most embarrassing 80s albums. If you can do this, you got legs and probably arms.

And don't forget your loins. As if you cou…

Pecs-ual Healing

Upper body strength is critical to being able to stand up in strong winds without flopping over. And with extreme weather ever more likely due to global warming, this will become increasingly important. Thanks for nothing, Stephen Harper!

To develop your upper body without people pointing at you and laughing (see my tear-drenched diary entry "Core Beliefs: Why Those Guys at the Gym Are Big, Fat Meanies"), you don't need fancy machines or weights. Heavy things are all around you. Now now, stop looking at your mother-in-law. This is not an Adam Sandler movie.

Instead, take that sofa. Pick it up and move it to the other side of the room. Now move it back. One more time. A little to the left. A little more. There. But if it's going to stay there, we're going to need new drapes. You can pay for them with the money you saved on gym memberships. Shopping is good cardio.

Totally Blips of the Heart

Speaking of cardio, a good workout is more than just flexing muscles, looking at yourself in the mirror and keeping your distance from creeps. It's important to get your heart rate up. So coffee. Lots and lots of coffee.

Take a Load Off My Fanny

Booty-wise, it's a confusing age. Is it supposed to be small? Big? Not too big? Alarmingly round? How did we get here? Really, there's not point to this. We're sitting on it most of the time anyway. Let's stop being ridiculous about rumps, forget our fannies and burn all the yoga pants. The YDHTGTTGTWOW(tm) has no time for tushies. I'm sorry I brought it up. (For further reading, see "Things I'm Sorry I Brought Up" written on the back of a cocktail napkin from The PomPom Palace.)

Arm Sexy and I Know It

For strong, toned arms that will make your friends wince with envy, take three fresh salmon fillets, drizzle with olive oil and lemon juice, garnish with dill, salt and pepper, wrap in foil and place under the broiler for 15 minutes. Oh, wait. Sorry. How embarrassing. Those are instructions for firm, sculpted abs.

I'm Hooked on the Ceiling

But what about equipment? What about complicated, potentially hazardous equipment? Don't worry; The Ross Workout(tm) has that too. For only $29.99 plus shipping and shoving, you'll get the Musclebungeetronic 3000(tm) complete with stretchy hook-like things, toggles, ratchets, dubious attachments and a full instruction booklet ("Your Musclebungeetronic 3000(tm): Don't Do That!").

Simply attach your Musclebungeetronic 3000(tm) to an overhead fixture and enjoy a complete full-body workout. (Not responsible for damage to overhead fixtures or body.)

Use the YDHTGTTGTWOW(tm) for only three weeks and I guarantee you'll have lost interest by week four -- just like the real gym, only with the embarrassment and humiliation staying right in your home where they belong.

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