The thing is, when you're looking through the lens of a camera, especially a zoom lens, distance is distorted. By
the time my brain registered "Hey, what's that object heading towards my camera," it was already inches away.
Sadly, I didn't press the shutter at that moment, which would have made a pretty cool picture.
Ross Murray is a freelance
writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca
Family game
night: the rules
Posted 01.09.09
ROSS
MURRAY
The object is to play a board game together as a family
without losing one's temper or sanity. There are two ways to set up the game. The first is to remove all the pieces from the
box and begin play immediately based on an approximate knowledge of the rules. The second way is to delay play while a player
insists on reading the rules for everyone to hear.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be
reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca
Santa's bad
night before Christmas
Posted 12.24.08
ROSS
MURRAY
The snow that had fallen from noon until now
Was
piled on my Oldsmobile, thanks to the plow.
When, what to my wondering eyes did appear,
But Santa Claus casually
swilling a beer.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at
ross_murray@sympatico.ca
Christmas is coming: remain calm
Posted 12.19.08
ROSS MURRAY
As you read this,
Christmas is a week away. In other words: "AAAAAGH!!!"
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead,
QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca
Beeramax
Pictures presents...
Posted 12.12.08
ROSS
MURRAY
I read last week that certain Cineplex Theatres will
start selling beer and wine during screenings. Traditionally, the home-video industry has tried to emulate the thrills of the
theatre experience -- wide-screen TVs, stereo sound, high-test lubricant on popcorn. Now it seems theatres are trying to copy
the swills of the home-viewing experience. Admit it: who doesn't enjoy a glass of wine or a beer with their DVD (or, in the
case of a Steven Segal feature, a six pack or two)?
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be
reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca
Look to the
skies, for heaven's sake!(650)
Posted
12.07.08
ROSS MURRAY
You know what's more exciting than
geometry? Space geometry! It really is, especially if you say it out loud in a deep, sonorous voice: "SPACE
GEOMETRY!" Go ahead, try it. I'll wait...fun, eh?
Does the
English Community in Quebec exist: an inquiry(680)
Posted 12.01.08
ROSS MURRAY
The English Community
Search Party first met on October 16 to facilitate an action plan that would foment a thorough understanding of the
Eastern Townships English community -- who were they, what were they and, most important, where were they? And if the English
community did in fact exist, would they be able to explain to us what "foment" means?
Oh my
darling, oh my darling...(640)
Posted
11.21.08
ROSS MURRAY
STANSTEAD, QC | I do believe in the
Citrus Fairy. I do! I do! Wait. Let me start that again, from the beginning: I pack my youngest daughter's lunch every
morning. At the end of the school day, I check the lunchbox to see what's been eaten, what's salvageable, and what's
unrecognizable. About two weeks ago, a clementine appeared in Abby's lunchbox. The only thing is, I didn't put it
there.
In
Quebec, I do declare!(640)
Posted
11.09.08
ROSS MURRAY
STANSTEAD, QC | In keeping with the
Quebec government's new policy requiring immigrants to sign a mandatory declaration stating they will commit to learning
French and respecting the province's common values, we, the people of Quebec, hereby request that political candidates sign
the following mandatory declaration...
What's in
a name? Four years of fun!(690)
Posted
11.09.08
ROSS MURRAY
STANSTEAD, QC | I am misty-eyed with
pride and admiration for our American neighbours. Many thought we'd never see this day, the day when the United States would
show true resolve for change, the day when they would resurrect the frontier spirit. The day when they would elect a
president with a funny sounding name.
For
Halloween: A pair of putrid parables(710)
Posted 10.31.08
ROSS MURRAY
STANSTEAD, QC | A mild
tremor rumbled beneath the Funky Dreadlock Centre for Childhood Exploration. It wasn't strong enough to disturb the
children's self-discovery on the possibilities of what 3 plus 4 might add up to. But it was strong enough to awaken
something. Something evil.
The truth,
the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Sometimes.(680)
Posted 10.24.08
ROSS MURRAY
STANSTEAD, QC |
I don't think Abby's ever met a waitress she hasn't liked. But then, they bring her fries, so what's not to like?
Gnawty
puppy onboard(720)
Posted 10.19.08
ROSS
MURRAY
STANSTEAD, QC | My plan to infiltrate the Family has
been as brilliant and precise as anticipated. My only concern is the Man. He arrived home to discover that the Family had
taken me into their possession. Appears distant, standoffish, vaguely hostile.
Can somebody
say grace?(470)
STANSTEAD, QC | Let us pray: Thanks for the turkey, thanks for the mussels,
Thanks for the
sprouts that came from Brussels,
Thanks for the peas, the corn, the spuds,
Thanks for the beer, both Coors and
Buds.
'That' old
house(640)
STANSTEAD, QC | Then there was the matter of what colour to choose. We kept talking about taupe. The
problem is no one really knows what taupe is. It's actually just a word people throw out to make it seem like they know
something about colour.
Still putting
the "work" in "homework"(690)
STANSTEAD, QC | Put the laptop away, it's time for homework. No,
I doubt very much that your homework involves playing N-Game. Sighing doesn't help, you know. Neither does rolling your
eyes.
Eat, drink,
have hot dog(710)
STANSTEAD, QC | Take, for example, ads currently running in the US by a group called the Cancer
Project. Over images of kids eating hot dogs and other processed meats, you hear a young boy say, "I was dumbfounded
when the doctor told me I had late-stage colon cancer." The boy, of course, is an actor, and the shock ad is based on a
study indicating that if you eat fifty grams of processed meat a day for several years, your chances of getting colorectal
cancer increase by twenty-one percent. That's equal to a hot dog a day every day for something like nineteen years.
Canada
vs. US: Let's put it to a vote(640)
STANSTEAD, QC | Election fever. Can you feel it? It's like most fevers:
accompanied by nausea, disorientation, and an overwhelming sense of doom. As happens from time to time, Canada and the United
States have election campaigns going on at the same time. So, grab your mug of hot tea and a couple of Advils and let's
compare the two, shall we?
Blame Homeland
Security (690)
STANSTEAD, QC | When you think about it, it's a bit unusual to encounter more than one armed
individual when you're going camping. Normally, we'd expect one: the border guard on our way to Brighton State Park in Island
Pond, Vermont. You never know how that encounter's going to go. You could face the dour, rubber-glove-at-the-ready Customs
officer or it could be the chatty officer whose easygoing ways lull you into letting it slip about smuggling all that citrus
fruit.
In Canada:
The Harper-Dion E-mails(700)
STANSTEAD, QC | Prime Minister Stephen Harper has purportedly been trying to meet
with Liberal leader Stéphane Dion to discuss whether the latter will continue to support the minority government. To
date, Dion has declined. Here, for the first time, is a transcript of their e-mailed correspondence:
My fair
memories(700)
STANSTEAD, QC | I still remember my first Ayer's Cliff Fair. It was the height of the Great
Depression, 1934, and I was a mere lad of nine...I ate my first deep-fried parsnip that day, saw my first bric-a-brac. Or
maybe it was a gewgaw. It's all a blur. All I know is that I went home that night with a head full of memories and a shoe
full of cow drool.
And it wasn't
that good(600)
STANSTEAD, QC | Many clichés about Canada are a bit of a stretch. Take the one about a
Canadian being someone who can make love in a canoe. Don't think so. More like someone who can make lunch in a
canoe.
Are you in
the zone?(690)
STANSTEAD, QC | The comfort zone is a natural state -- like Idaho. Look around you. Look at the
trees. Trees are trees. You don't see trees deciding to play the violin, right? They stay in their comfort zone. You know
what happens to animals that step outside their comfort zone? They get eaten.
The gravity of
the situation(725)
STANSTEAD, QC | The air at 4000 metres apparently tastes like the ocean. Or at least it does
when you're hurtling through it at 200 km/h and you've got your mouth open, even though the instructor advised you to keep it
closed.
Wanna see
something really scary?(700)
STANSTEAD, QC | Are you as excited as I am? A slasher flick shooting right here in
the Eastern Townships of Quebec. And it's called Bikini Girls on Ice. With a title like that, who wouldn't be excited?
I mean, who doesn't like ice?
There was
burnin', burnin', to satisfy my yearnin'...(740)
STANSTEAD, QC | Among our many modern quirks is our longing for
vast backyards that we never actually set foot on. We build decks off our homes overlooking the grass, or we tear up a chunk
of lawn and build small platforms to put our chairs on. We like to be with nature, just not touch it. One thing you can't do
on your deck (or at very least it's ill-advised) is have a campfire. For a campfire, you need to venture onto the lawn. It's
a case where our aversion to cooties is overwhelmed by our desire to burn stuff.
New digs, old
folks, and stitches(640)
STANSTEAD, QC | When my eldest daughter signed her apartment lease this past spring, the
idea of her actually moving out was still an abstract concept. After all, she wasn't yet 17, and 16 years old just seemed too
young to hold a lease. You shouldn't be allowed to sign a legal document if you have angst.
Dig that weed --
if you can(640)
STANSTEAD, QC | A common curse from 16th century Spain went as follows: "May your salads be
nothing but goutweed and be served by a loose woman of Toledo with hairy arms and the breath of anchovies." Naturally,
it sounds better in the original Spanish.
You want
cheap beer, buy in Quebec(700)
STANSTEAD, QC | Labatt is clearly still making a profit in Quebec, otherwise why
would they bother? It's not like "cheap beer" is in the Quebec Charter of Rights and Freedoms (though the right to
buy it in grocery stores is). Labatt must therefore be making a huge profit in Ontario.
Copy that.
Not.(670)
STANSTEAD, QC | I agree and accept that the Canadian government should willfully interfere with its
citizens' consumer purchases in its unabashed efforts to pander to the American entertainment mega-industry. I am ready and
willing to accept whatever invasion of privacy or fines come my way."
Cyclist in
training(690)
STANSTEAD, QC | The bicycle is life's first major leap of faith. Walking doesn't count because
you're too young to think "Holy smokes! I'm going to fall on my adorable face!" But to believe that you can
actually balance and move forward on two wheels, that's something. Even though you see others doing it, a tiny logical part
of your five-year-old self says, "Come on, it's gotta be some kind of trick."
Your
2008 Summer Vacation(690)
STANSTEAD, QC | With the cost of gasoline almost as expensive as a baby on eBay, the
smart vacationer should consider sticking close to home this summer. Thankfully, Quebec's Eastern Townships are chock-a-block
full of festivals and fairs to make your summer truly summer-ific!
I'd put my foot
down but I might squash a cat(690)
STANSTEAD, QC | As I enjoyed those bark-free, pawprint-less, non-poop-pickup
days, I did my best to persuade my family that getting another dog at this time wouldn't be the best idea. My argument went
something like this: "Please, God, no!"
Spring ferns
are to eat, eh?(680)
STANSTEAD, QC | "Health Canada warns that fiddleheads may contain toxins and are
all-around nasty little vegetables that you'd be a fool to ingest. They've been known to cause gastroenteritis, bleeding of
the gums, sterility in mice, and the bitter collapse of your most cherished dreams."
Barbeque Choices(680)
STANSTEAD, QC | Once again, I find myself in the market for a new barbecue.
And what a market. So many grills, so much shiny metal. If you're a barbecue lover, it's like being a kid in a candy store,
except instead of candy there's charred animal parts.
Rugby
explained(750)
STANSTEAD, QC | Rugby is an unfamiliar game to many North Americans. That's because it was invented
in 732 A.D. by the Picts who were wiped out as result of major head trauma before they could chisel the rules into the side
of a cliff.
You don't know
Doodly, eh?(700)
STANSTEAD, QC | YAAAAAH! Can you feel it? Can you smell it? That's the smell of victory! And
burning rubber! I am so excited that my team is so close to ultimate triumph. This week's series win puts us that much
closer. And now we've got the momentum. The Doodly Cup is within our grasp!
Protect our Caninternet(710)
Congratulations on blocking the sale of one of Canada's aerospace
companies to a US firm. No really, I mean it. I know we've had our differences in the past (admittedly, I went too far with
my musical, Stephen Harper Hates Everyone, Even His Mother, and Has Stubby Fingers to Boot). But putting Canada's
sovereignty ahead of global market pressures was fantastic, positively protectionist. Why, it was almost liberal of
you!
The
silence of my lamb(730)
As a barometer of inner peace and contentment, it probably doesn't bode well that I've
become a sigher. Sighing has become my preferred reaction to the world as it unfolds around me. Or at me.
The
silence of my lamb(700)
One of the perks of having athletic children is that other parents automatically assume
that I'm at least partly responsible. If the subject comes up, I'll usually say something like, "Yup, taught them
everything they know." In my head, I'm saying it sarcastically. Just because it sounds to the listener like I'm serious,
well, that's their problem, not mine.
April Fool's
Day or Poisson d'Avril Š your choice but it's happening today, eh?(540)
I'm very much a traditionalist when it
comes to holidays. I like turkey at Christmas, alcohol poisoning on St. Patrick's Day, and vague political tension on Canada
Day. That being said, I completely support the Bush administration's decision to hold April Fool's Day on March 28 this year
in an effort to save the floundering economy and foundering flounders.
More sex
please. We're Quebeckers, non?(660)
I read this week about your plan to boost Quebec's population by encouraging
Quebecers to have more babies, getting ex-Quebecers to return to the province, and immigrants... well, immigrants not so
much. With all due respect, I wonder if you've fully thought this plan through.
Would you
like a growth fund? Yeth, I would.(660)
If you're like me (and if so, there's hope by calling 1-800-YU-LOSER), you
probably just loaded up on RRSPs to gain some relief on your income tax. And it's also quite possible your RRSPs were in the
form of mutual funds, also known as Investing for Dummies.
Aping PM Harper,
Canada's MPs will sue you, dude(690)
Prime Minister Stephen Harper's threatened lawsuit against top Liberals
appears to have inspired other parliamentary lawsuits, with MPs suing MPs, ordinary citizens, celebrities, and, in one
instance, a Pomeranian named Theo.
The
in-and-out year(580)
March comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb. Science is at a loss to explain this
phenomenon, given that the two animals are from entirely different species (lion being of the species Panthera leo and lamb
being of the species Ovis cuddlius). The transformation from vicious predator to infant ruminant in the space of thirty-one
days defies evolutionary logic, not to mention chronology. Promoters of intelligent design point to this swift mammalian
shift as evidence of God and/or Steven Spielberg.
And the
Oscar for worst jokes goes to...(750)
With the US writers' strike over, this weekend's Academy Awards broadcast
will go ahead. Another domestic crisis averted. Unfortunately, this mean's I'm out of a gig. I'd volunteered to scab for the
event as head writer and (the deal-clincher) as host. Now the world will never know the full splendour of my show. I can only
give you a brief glimpse of what might have been...
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be
reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca
Did someone
say, "I love you"?(790)
Last weekend, I saw a clothing store display that read, "Say 'I Love You' A
Thousand Ways..." Let's see: socks, underwear, shirts, sweaters... There's no way that can make it to a thousand, unless
you start breaking it down by fabric and colour. Unless, of course, they weren't speaking in commercial terms but generally a
thousand ways to say "I love you." Still a stretch, but I think I can come up with fifty:
Ross Murray is a
freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca
Go, girl!
(No, seriously, it's your turn.)(760)
For instance, when you sit on the floor with your six-year-old to play a
board game called Dream Star, as I did last Sunday, there's no way to avoid, at least temporarily, taking the girly
role. Because Dream Star is a girly, girly game.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can
be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca
A letter
from His Worshipfulness, the Mayor(760)
First of all, I would like to wish everyone a Happy 2008. I realize my
wishes come a month late but we had to delay printing this Newsletter because it has taken since the Christmas party to
untangle the thong from the photocopier. Incidentally, for those of you who've asked, our Receptionist Mrs. Churnhelm should
be out of traction soon.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at
ross_murray@sympatico.ca
Tragedy
tomorrow, squirmedy tonight(700)
This column is satellite 6! Yeah, that's right, "satellite 6." It means
outstanding, out of this world, way out, even wayer out than satellite 5. Use this expression often. Impress your friends. Or
possibly confuse them. Either way, they'll be overwhelmed by how unbearably hip you are. Or possibly just how
unbearable.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at
ross_murray@sympatico.ca
McJungle Book: The
Legend of McBoy(700)
No one knows for sure where the McBoy came from, this feral child under the golden arches.
Some say he was abandoned by a couple who met at McDonald's, dated there and, uncomfortably for them and those in line,
conceived a child at a Drive-Thru while waiting for their Filet-O-Fish. Some say he was even born there. The delivery, not
surprisingly, was fast.
Reliving
Quebec's "Ice" Storm of 1998 (700)
A part of me feels we missed out on a great adventure, something we
could tell our grandkids and radio phone-in shows. But then I remember that people suffered terribly, died even. I then feel
blessed. And a bit of a jerk.
If you want
them to like The Beatles, let it be (700)
You can't, you see, just force your music on your kids, no matter how
clearly superior it is to their tripe. I was, reminded this not long ago when the family went bowling and my son put two
dollars worth of quarters into the jukebox and selected all Nickelback songs. Yes, I know they're Canadian, hooray, but
blech. I mean, clear your throat, for God's sake.
The year
from the rear (690)
Well, hey there, thanks for sticking with me through 2007. Gosh, where did those 365 days go?
No, seriously, where did they go? What happens to time once it's in the past? Does it continue to exist? But, heck, such
questions are too profound for the end of December. Instead, it's a time of reflection, a chance to review the year that
was.
Shooting
blanks from the Christmas canon (695)
Everybody loves the Christmas classics: "Hark the Herald,"
"White Christmas," "Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer." But surely there are other songs that radio
stations can play seven times a day.
Got game?
"Dribbling" is not the same as "drooling" (695)
There's a reason why I've never signed my kids
up for hockey. Besides receiving regular thumpings by hockey players as a child, that is. The reason is the 8 a.m. game. But
last weekend I found myself shotgunning coffee before racing across the border to Newport, Vermont, for an 8 o'clock
basketball game. Fortunately, this was a game involving 6- and 7-year-olds, so at least the day started with a
laugh.
I'm Ross
Murray and I approve this immigration column (730)
An open letter to would-be illegal U.S. immigrants (and
smugglers thereof)
First of all, thank you for choosing Stanstead, Quebec, for all your border-hopping needs.
Specifically, thank you (most of you, anyway) for choosing the woods around Stanstead to smuggle yourselves and/or your
paying customers into the United States. This is as opposed to simply walking across one of the unguarded streets that
connect Stanstead with Vermont.
All you need
to know about digital photography, and then some (700)
After months of research and some unseemly groveling, my
employers recently gave me the go-ahead to purchase a new digital camera. It's a great asset for our department. The fact
that I sometimes refer to it as "my camera" or occasionally as "my precious..." is purely accidental and
without any significance whatsoever.
Malcolm
Stone: What a character (750)
STANSTEAD EAST, QC | It was Malcolm who introduced me to Calvin Trillin, Roy Blount
Jr., Bob Dorough, "Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me" and sour tomatoes. He taught me that "pipik" is Yiddish
for "belly button" and that there are cheap laughs to be had in teaching kids to say, "Do you want to see my
pipik?" He showed me that you could get by in life without functioning plumbing. Mostly, though, Malcolm showed me that
small-town journalism could soar if you cared about clarity, that obsessing over hyphens paid off, that irreverence could be
a powerful weapon, and that if you use the word "challenge" (as in, "the mayor said there were many challenges
ahead for council") you deserve to be mercilessly mocked. Lewd gestures might be involved.
O
Canada! Canadians need to be, you know, more American, eh? (740)
Can you feel it? Can you feel the pride? Can you
sense the pan-Canadian swagger as we enjoy our new status as an economic powerhouse? Can't you just feel all those years of
doubt and insecurity melting away?
Don't mess with
debaters (750)
Some people have the Gift of the Gab, I have the Unwanted Fruitcake of Awkward Conversation. You
have a Silver Tongue. I have Tinfoil Tonsils.
(680)
Scuttling in the dark playing laser tag this past weekend, two things occurred to me: One, that shooting at people
surely violates my stand on guns and violence; and two, when the zombie uprising occurs, I won't be of much help.
Halloween Tale-O-Rama (730)
Come, my unwashed little ones, gather your dank selves round me and I
shall share a haunting tale of spectral beings and boogety-boogeties. I said come round, my little germ farms. Come here, I
said! Don't make me hobble over there!
Are you there,
Al? It's me, Ross. (720)
First of all, congratulations on your Nobel Peace Prize. I hope this prestigious honour
won't distract you from your crusade against global warming. In fact, I have a great title for your next book/movie: How
about Is It Hot in Here or Is It Just Me?
Driving
lesson #1: Get a grip (670)
We've pretty much all agreed that I won't teach the kids how to drive. There would be
too much yelling, too great a risk of stroke. It would end in tears, probably mine.
School
advice for my youngest daughter (540)
Your teacher doesn't actually live at school. There may come a point when
you will be out somewhere, maybe a mall, and you'll see your teacher out among the general population like a Real Person.
This will come to you as a bit of a shock. But it's true.
Will they
be happy watching wattles? (720)
I actually had no clue what I planned to do with my life, short of go to
university for the next three to four years, possibly longer depending on the meal plan. Nor was university part of a
long-term goal. I simply wanted to study literature for literature's sake. And meet girls.
A tale to sink
your teeth into (680)
Thank you for calling FairyDent, the automated tooth-retrieval service, linking harried
parents and airy fairies since 2003.
What we have here is
a failure to communi-cat (680)
Here's what I actually said when a four-month-old kitten showed up on our doorstep
late one evening last week, followed by what my family apparently heard me say:
Don't panic over
pickles (690)
Every jar of pickles is a leap of faith. The number of pickle-related deaths is in fact quite low.
Or at least I assume it is; Statistics Canada doesn't offer any figures (although I did find a YouTube video entitled
"Girl is scared to death of pickles"
Hats off to
ball cap wearers. No, seriously. (690)
I know (especially you boys) you think your ball cap is cool and the source
of all your power, kind of like that cheesy mustache you're attempting to grow. But you're wrong.
Handprints on
the walls of time (700)
Handprints. There were handprints everywhere - marks left by grubby fingers on walls,
cupboards, and doorframes. Saturday morning, I found myself wandering the house with a sponge, scrubbing away the
grime.
Did I mention
my old-man legs? (710)
The first time I broke a tooth was when I was about seventeen. Some friends and I had
managed to get some beer and had taken it to the woods.
Egg on our
collective face, eh? (640)
PODGORICA, MONTENEGRO | With the success of last weekend's Live Earth, several other
global concerts-for-a-cause are in the works. The first to emerge is Live Egg, scheduled to take place in Europe and North
America October 12, World Egg Day.
Recycling
do's, don'ts. and dunnos (685)
I read last week that my town will soon provide me with a bigger, better, and --
who knows -- maybe even bluer recycling bin, the kind on wheels you roll out to the curb.
The
Hollywood History of Canada (670)
It is 1839. Rebel forces in Upper and Lower Canada have been crushed under the
iron fist of the British Empire. Vowing revenge and seeking access to cheap health care, the rebels under plucky leader
Louis-Joseph Papineau kidnap Governor General Lord Durham.
Well, at least
it's not a tat (700)
Last Father's Day, I signed away my daughter's nose. She's almost sixteen, which is old
enough to get her licence but not old enough to get her nose pierced without parental permission.
I'm still
trying to get my passport, eh? (700)
However, I suggest you tone down the rhetoric when you call border guards
"power-tripping line jockeys." This is a surefire way to ensure that you won't need a passport to enter the United
States - you won't be allowed in at all. After all, they may be watching…
The sequel to end
all sequels ('though not likely) (730)
This week, I went to see the summer's most humongous blockbuster
extravasequel of them all: SpiderShrek of the Caribbean Ocean 13. It was so sequelicious that I have to share it with
you.
Suffers in
the translation, or: The French have a word for it, but I just don't know it (600)
You may be the brightest,
coolest, LOLing-est person in your own language but placed in another language setting you risk coming across as boring or a
moron or a boring moron.
Musings
from a budding evolutionary (700)
As the writer Bill Bryson points out, our planet and life on it have changed
drastically several times. Often these changes resulted from some sort of global cataclysmic event, and I'm not just talking
about the release of another Die Hard movie.
Frickin'
awsome! (700)
"Can you get me a stick? Thank you. When I stir the water it's a potion that turns you into a
monster or maybe if you have too much you die. Want a sip?"
Scent of a
Tory Canuck (670)
What are the Liberals trying to 'cover up,' I ask you. Is there some kind of 'stink' they've
been trying to hide all these years? Well, let me tell you, the Conservatives are different. When you smell John Baird,
you're smelling only John Baird!"
Never been
poked (700)
What these Internet technologies have in common is they are all about shameless self-promotion. They
are a way to say to the world, "Hey, look at me, I'm here! And I've had my body provocatively pierced!"
The bomb at the
bottom of the street (715)
I sauntered back down some time later, just in time to see the bomb squad robot emerge
from the truck. Very cool! We practically cheered. It was a big crowd now, including television crews and
reporters.
Let me make one
thing perfectly clear: I am not a cook (660)
"What's for supper?" That's a good question, Emily, and
thank you for asking it. I'd just like to say that this is a very complex and sensitive situation. I can assure you that the
Household is looking at this question with the utmost attention in order to come up with a solution in a timely
manner.
Save 'our'
field (690)
The lot has been for sale for as long as we've been in this house, about thirteen years. Up until a
few weeks ago, its availability was advertised only by a hand-painted sign with a phone number and the advisory "S'NO
DUMPING." I was always comforted by the non-threatening ambiguity of that sign. It might have well read, "For sale,
or not. No biggie."
Why drinking
'milk' that smells like feet is a good thing (715)
A couple of weeks ago we had a particularly bad morning. I put
my foot down and said she wasn't going to school until her glass was empty. There were tears. And not just Abby's.
The
facts you need on April Fool's Day (640)
April Fool's Day is believed to have originated in Rome in 56 AD when
Emperor Vivesectus marked the twelfth birthday of his son Egregious, whom he was not particularly fond of.
In praise of
snow (675)
I can still picture our ultimate snow fort: it had actual ice chairs and tables, you could stand up in
it, and, if memory serves, there may actually have been a rec room with a pool table and bar.
Spring
forward, fall back, grump, grump, grump (550)
This is three weeks earlier than normal. Why? Something to do with
saving energy, extending daylight hours during the workday, blah blah blah. I really think it's just the U.S. asserting
itself, like a parent imposing an arbitrary rule simply "because I said so."
How peanut
butter is destroying the planet (640)
If we're going to save the planet, it may be up to my generation. The older
generation is too set in its ways and the younger generation is too "like, no way!"
Following driving directions: It's a man thing (730)
The stereotype goes that a man will do anything
rather than ask for directions. But what if he doesn't know where he's supposed to be in the first place?
The Oscar
for Best Use of Cute Ponies goes to… (655)
I'm feeling somewhat reticular (don't ask) this week so I'm going to
turn things over to Abby, five-and-a-half, to offer her predictions on who will bring home the Oscars at this Sunday's
Academy Awards.
Mister
Positive (640)
It's come to my attention that I've seemed overly crusty in my writing lately. I guess that column
on corporal punishment for wayward kittens was going too far.
On
Valentine's Day, "Eat my shorts" takes on a whole new meaning (690)
Last weekend in Montreal, I saw two
Valentine conventions in one: candy underwear. You had your choice of bra, g-string, garter, those weird suspender things,
and something for men that I don't know what you'd call and I'd rather not think about.
The boob tube
police (640)
Whatever the wording, the basic concept has remained virtually unchanged for close to 30 years, even
though in 1977, video players were the size and weight of car radiators. Little monkeys lived inside the machines to rewind
the tapes.
How to avoid the
flu (570)
The flu was invented in Spain in 1918, and the craze soon swept the globe. Later, many Asian countries
adapted the flu, making it cheaper and more compact. Bird Flu is named after former NBA great Larry Bird, who suffered from
the disease, resulting in him being kinda dorky looking.
I, iPodder
(650)
Don't clean toilets wearing your iPod.
Quest for
fries (660)
We drove the fifteen minutes or so to one of the more popular eateries in the area. It wasn't our
preferred choice but it had French fries, and that was a major consideration in our choice.
Happy New
(and improved!) Year (640)
From the creators of 2006, New Coke, and the remake of that movie that wasn't much good
in the first place comes the most spectacular year yet: the new and improved 2007!
Yet another
end-of-the year list (480)
It's a new year, which means that columnists across the land have officially used up
their year's supply of ideas. Thus - tada! - the end-of-year best/worst column. Why, it almost writes itself...
Christmas
wrapped up tight (660)
Someone - and it may have been someone in my own family - has given my mother a role of
duct tape. This is like giving heroin to someone who obviously shouldn't have heroin.
General
office party rule: no photocopying (650)
The office Christmas party is rife with tradition: the goodwill between
co-workers, the exchanging of suet-based gifts, skinny-dipping in the eggnog, the yuletide unicycles. Oh wait, those are
traditions only here at Murray Corp.
Is there
enough guilt in your diet? (640)
Last night I ate some Cheese Nips. These were American-brand Cheese Nips, which
means they were extra cheesier than the Canadian version. If there's one thing the US has excelled at more than any other
it's cheese-flavour augmentation.
About That
Quebec 'Nation' Thing (640)
Asked what this new status will mean for Quebec, Duceppe replied, "Status as a
nation will allow us to enjoy such nation-like elements as, oh, I don't know, a flag, borders with our neighbours, a separate
tax system. And don't forget holidays. We can have our own national holidays. I know, it's incredible, right?"
Buy
"my" book (650)
Technically, it's not "my" book but I'm in it. Ever so briefly, 150 words to
be exact. But it's a real book with a real publisher and I'm being paid real money. Not yet, but I will be. I
think.
Isn't
"Henkel Trocken" German for "Mountain Dew"? (610)
Does champagne have an expiration date? Not
real champagne but "champagne" in quotation marks, sparkling wine, the stuff of wedding receptions and New Year's
Eve debaucheries. Sweet stuff with bubbles.
No hugs for you,
or you either (640)
I'm not a naturally hugging person, nor am I huggable - all bones and pointy bits. I'm a
true-blue white Anglo-Saxon Protestant. I come from Scottish stock that was opposed to premarital sex because it might lead
to dancing.
This
column may be recorded to ensure quality service (695)
"Mr. Murray, I'm calling this evening on behalf of
Belle to offer you some very interesting new services which I'm sure may interest you. You are already a Belle customer, Mr.
Murray?"
A
horrible Halloween tale, eh? (715)
And now they stood in the vast hallway of the mansion, famous for its jagged
spires and columns, the gnarled bone-like fortifications and the brackish moat that gurgled ominously around it, all of which
led the observer to ask, "What the heck is the zoning around here?"
Some ado about a
canoe (690)
There's a canoe on the front lawn. It's supposed to be by the side of the road to be picked up either
by the garbage truck or people cruising the streets for junk, whichever comes first.
Keeping my
cool, nearly (710)
The last thing I want to do is to embarrass my children. Okay, maybe it's not the last thing. I
mean, if I had to choose between something terrible like having Céline Dion as a houseguest or embarrassing my
children, I'm sorry, but the kids would have to suck it up.
A
Thanksgiving, Turkey (720)
Excuse me, please, everyone, can I have your attention? Cousin Shane, could you stop
dangling the baby over the gravy boat for a minute? I'd like to say a few words before we tuck into this delicious
Thanksgiving meal.
The nun
inside us (570)
When I was growing up in Nova Scotia, Antigonish was knee-deep in nuns. But she was the only nun
in my school, though she didn't really act like one. She was just a touch too sarcastic to be holy.
Nothing
scary in the dark except grumpy dad (670)
At some point, somehow, Abby became afraid of the dark. She's five years
old and can't go to sleep in her room alone.
It's a
doctor-patient thing, eh? (640)
Here's something maybe you didn't know: a referral for blood work is no longer
good after more than two years. Why this should be I'm not sure. If the doctor wanted to check your serotoblerone levels when
he saw you nearly three years ago, he's probably still going to want to see them now, if not more so.
Mister Fixit rides again (625)
I borrowed my neighbour's pipe wrench. My other neighbour saw me
returning with it and started to laugh - she's heard the stories.
Fun time is
over, kids -- back to school (700)
Another school year has begun. Where has the summer gone? And while I'm at it,
where has the DVD remote gone?
What I
learned in PEI (725)
Skunks are cockier than raccoons. Our campsites were invaded by one, then the other in the
middle of the night. I tried to scare away the skunk by throwing small objects near it (but not at it - you don't want to hit
the trigger).
Future
borders of my youth (670)
Back when I was a young man, people would cross the border from what was once called
"Canada" to the United States, sometimes every day, for work, food, and what we used to call "gasoline."
That was before Emperor Rove's armies invaded to contain the "socialist disease" and changed Canada's status from
"country" to "Wal-Mart Supply Outlet 4312."
Stupid
helmet! (680)
She'll want to ride her bike somewhere and will be fighting us on wearing her helmet. She hates
helmets. It's gotten to the point where she refuses to ride her bike rather than put one on. And now she'll have
ammo...
Bugs Redux
(this time in my head) (665)
How do I know I have tinnitus and not just, say, waxy buildup? Because I've been
diagnosed. By Google.
Bugs: This time
it's personal (660)
If bugs were truckers, the potato plant would be the equivalent of a brightly flashing neon
sign at the end of a long day on the road that reads "Gas! Lodging! Defoliate!" Throw in some nude dancing aphids
and what orange-blooded parasite could resist?
Taking a
legal break, eh? (635)
Since last week, this column has been on Construction Holiday. Oh, it's still running, but
it has to comply with Quebec's stringent Construction Holiday Regulations under the Régie de la Solidarité des
Whoopees du Québec (Chapter 4, Section D2: "Pundits, Crackpots and Pseudo-Intellectuals").
How to have
fun camping and not drown (655)
You need all this stuff to keep the children entertained. Take the glo-sticks, for
example. They're a good diversion for the campfire between servings of S'mores. It also helps you keep track of the kids when
they wander off...
Oh, those
rainy days of summer (680)
Under these rainy conditions when your house is filled with kids and guests, you need
to rely on your wits and cunning to keep everyone entertained while remaining sane. Booze helps.
Get to know
your Canada, eh? (605)
New Brunswick's motto is "Spem reduxit," which means, "Place to drive
through as quickly as possible." New Brunswick fun fact: By law, all first-born males must be named
"Phineas."
All Orford,
all the time (650)
In Quebec's ongoing top story of 2006 (or quite possibly ever), opponents of the Mount Orford
Park land deal say they will launch a legal challenge against the Quebec government's legislation to sell off a portion of
the public land.
So, how do
you like me so far? (650)
If fatherhood were a business, Father's Day would be the end of the fiscal year, the
moment when you finally get that year-end bonus you've been working towards for the past twelve months, except instead of
shares in the company you get ties and golf balls.
Sports
hero beards and other superstitions (680)
Over the past year or so, my 10-year-old has become one of those boys
who can rattle off players' names like they're buddies from school, who pledges allegiance to the team (Senators… okay, now
the Oilers), and who collects hockey cards for the cards and not (like I did) just for the gum.
The
yahoos aren't that funny anymore (660)
I was thinking recently that there are few moments of small-town life more
satisfying than seeing one of the local tire-squealing, peace-disturbing, life-risking, high-speed yahoos pulled over by the
cops.
The
One-dollar Circle of Hell (650)
If you find yourself in a mall and you pass by a dollar store, you may see a man
hovering near the entrance. He will be slumped, looking not just bored but utterly defeated, like someone whose soul has been
pulverized by the despair of ever seeing his family emerge from the shelves of useless trinkets and tinned meats.
Trying to make
census of it all (605)
As a follow-up to the 2006 Census and to improve future statistics-divulging experiences,
please take the time to complete the survey below. All responses are confidential, except for Question 9, which our employees
are likely to show around the office and laugh and laugh and laugh.
Guns, guns for
everyone (630)
Canada Customs officers were jumping with joy (albeit without cracking a smile) recently after they
learned that the federal Conservatives will honour their pledge to start providing them with guns.
Conversations with Moe and other tricks (670)
Who says you can't train a cat? Every night, around 4
a.m., our cat Moe pads upstairs or hops down from the comfy spot he's found wrapped around one of the children's head. Then
he comes to my bed and meows to be let outside.
To the bold
go the doughnuts (640)
My mob stood at the counter determining whether to order the McLump or the McFat when the
man approached us and said, "Do you mind if I go first? I just want a coffee."
OK, but whatever
happened to 'Dibs on that!' (710)
It's not entirely clear to me what is meant by "possession is nine-tenths
of the law" but I'm pretty sure it has nothing to do with class-action suits against shoddy exorcisms. I think it means
the fighting over who owns what.
Barbecuing ~
It's really quite simple (635)
I cooked my first steak a week before we put the clocks forward, which is like the
spring training of barbecue season. I ended up barbecuing in the dark, but that was okay. I was guided by the porch light and
the flames shooting out of the propane connection.
April: So
Special and So Now (645)
We have a busy month ahead of us, people, and there's no shortage of events, attitudes,
and objects to commemorate and/or celebrate. It's best to be prepared to ensure you have the appropriate attire and know the
anthem.
Mamas,
don't let your babies grow up to hate country (660)
Around these parts, this is like saying René Levesque
might have been on to something, but I'll say it anyway: I don't like country music.
Park it
here (670)
Imagine my apprehension when I received a registered letter last week from the Quebec government. Did I
owe taxes? Had they discovered my conspiracy to shave off Philippe Couillard's beard?
Jasmine is my
co-pilot (650)
She's still there. Every now and then I pull her out in the middle of a conversation and make her
talk in a Senor Wences voice: "Jasmine no like your tie. Is oooogly."
To noun or to
verb, that is the question (670)
As I was columning this morning, having coffeed and bagelled, I had to de-work to
outside the dog.
Extreme
Column Makeover: The On-line Edition (590)
Get ready for a whole new me. Starting next week, this column will
undergo a fantastic, reader-pleasing makeover that will provide more style and substance and fewer saturated fats. I know
you'll like me, you'll really, really like me. Oh, please like me!
The hockey
column (with Reader Commentary on) (640)
The last time I saw Montreal play was 14 years ago in the old Forum.
Professional hockey has come a long way since then - or at least the distractions have. There's so much happening off the ice
you don't have time to notice how lousy the actual game is.
No sex please:
we're English Townshippers (670)
Is sex something performed for the sole purpose of populating the Empire, the
whole "Close your eyes and think of England" thing?
How this
Canuck writer ties one on (660)
Five months into my new job, I no longer fret about getting dressed in the
morning, mainly because standards, like the creases in my pants, have slackened.
Letter
to (X) Prime Minister Paul Martin on the Day After (670)
I'm just writing to offer you my condolences and wish you
the best of luck. I don't think you're a bad person, even if you are a Quebec Liberal.
Ignoramus's guide to Canada's election 2006 (665)
With the federal vote next Monday, I feel like I
have to write an exam I haven't studied for, and now it's the night before and I have to pull an all-nighter, and every time
I doze off I dream that I show up for the exam without a pen and in my underwear.
Vote the
Canadian difference -- me (655)
Sadly, no reporters showed up at my press conference, although the way the family
dog kept eyeing the snacks while I made my presentation was very reporter-like.
Paranoid along
the US border (600)
The U.S. is Canada's best friend. It's always there for us, ready to tell us what to think. We
listen - politely - even though we suspect we're so much better, yet we're still happy to hang out for some laughs and to
keep from getting beat up.
Pass the
champagne and wake up mom (580)
New Year's Eve is the Super Bowl Party of holidays. It's built around an event
whose hype is greater than its actual significance, there's way too much food and drink, the outcome is usually predictable,
and the jocks and cheerleaders are getting all the action.
Some
holiday advice (mostly bad) (680)
This week, I answer some of your holiday-related questions. And to Mrs. Post of
Cookshire, QC: No, I will not say a personal hello to your kitty.
It's barely
rock 'n' roll but kids love it (690)
After three acts and two gratuitous F-words (hey, c'mon, there are kids in
the house!), Simple Plan burst onstage with sirens, flashing red lights and a blinding strobe. The mother two seats
over covered her eyes - probably suffering flashbacks from a 1976 Grateful Dead concert.
On
preventing colds by sneezing into the inside of your elbow (660)
It's somewhat unnerving when something you've
been doing all your life turns out to be incorrect, obsolete, or at very least pooh-poohed. I remember feeling this way when
I learned that throwing spaghetti against the wall was not an effective test for doneness.
Where
there's a Will there's a Notary (665)
There was no particular epiphany that prompted us finally to say,
"Let's do it." We happened to be in a notary's office for another matter and as we were preparing to leave he
asked, "By the way, do you have a will?"
Will the
real jerk please hang up (700)
I was already kind of cranky when the phone rang at suppertime. I was in the mood
to mess with someone. "Hello?" I answered. Then there was that tell-tale pause that occurs just before someone at a
call centre says "Good evening, could I speak to Mr. Murray, please?"
I oughta be
in pictures or, Movie Star moi (730)
The film opens in an East Coast town (the seedy section, the part without any
Tim Hortons). We see a tenement surrounded by squalor. There might be rats, we're not sure...
There's a
song in my heart -- and that's where it's staying (670)
Sometimes I wonder what would happen if I just started
belting it out, the way I do in the shower or when I want to embarrass my children in the grocery store by singing along with
the piped-in Phil Collins.
How I fixed
the kitchen faucet and washed the kitchen floor before my wife got home from work and won! (670)
Back home, I shut
the hot water off, unscrewed the tap, and removed the cartridge. The tap was in bad shape. The metal around the base had
eroded and something was crumbling around the cartridge. It was either a cork washer or years of accumulated gunk - plumbing
toe jam..
Two
twisted tales of terribleness (730)
"What can I get ya?" the one-legged waitress asked Jim and Sue as
they settled at the Midonowhere Truck Stop.
Get
stickered, be happy (650)
If you have received a sticker, you have passed the morning without major incident - no
tantrums, no biting, no flicking rolled up balls of dried Elmer's Glue and yelling "Boogers!"
In
Canada, I would put the "excellent" into "excellency" (675)
By now, our new governor general
has settled in at Rideau Hall and you will have hopefully figured out how to pronounce "Michaëlle." I'm sure
you join me along with all Canadians in wishing her an excellent reign.
Let us give
thanks (630)
Bless this food before us: the turkey, the mashed potatoes, the squash, the peas, and the Jell-O
salad with the cottage cheese. On behalf of the children present, bless the dog under the table who will slurp up the Jell-O
salad with cottage cheese that they surreptitiously slip to it.
School
Daze (740)
"I'm going to school again?" she said excitedly after Day 2.
(640)
The price of gas and oil may be at heart-palpitating highs but there's no reason why we can't make the best of it.
What say we turn this energy crisis into an energy Christmas?.
Home is
where the hard-liner is (675)
As members of Branch 142 of the CUPW (Consistently Unappreciated Parental Workers),
your mother and I regret to inform you that the stalemate in parent-child negotiations leaves us no choice but to initiate
pressure tactics throughout the household starting immediately.
A man
on a mission statement (630)
Of course, it's not only business that can benefit from a strong mission statement.
Personal growth can also be anchored by the positive energy and free-flowing cross-purposing that is the mission statement.
And just
where do old dryers go when they die? (665)
I kept hoping someone would just drive up and take it. In fact, we had
a knock on the door one evening from someone asking us if the dryer worked.
The dog days of
August (640)
So two Saturdays ago, we headed to the SPA and entered the Sucker Room (my name, not theirs), where
all the dogs looked up at us eagerly from their cages as if to say, "Pick me, pick me. I'm the type of dog they write
epic poems about. I'll bring your slippers. If you don't have slippers, I'll steal you some."
Quit
squirming and read this (650)
I would like to pretend that I'm a slow reader because I mull over every word and
ponder thematic implications and character motivation. Truth is, like many slow readers, I'm just plain fidgety.
Nuke the
zukes (680)
Why stress over planting a garden only to fret about eating it all? The only reason I can figure is
that a garden is one less patch of grass to mow.
Listen to
your mother, kid (700)
OGDEN, QC | James emerged from the water at Weir Park with blood streaming down his face.
Not heeding the wisdom of mothers since time immemorial, he and a friend had been hurling mud at each other.
Pre-paid
gambling - it's a Quebec thing, dear ones (630)
The thing I hate about buying lottery tickets is the tedious wait
in line at the store behind people buying unimportant stuff like food for their family. When I want to throw my money away on
the faint hope of fortune, I want to throw it away now!
So you
want to coach kids' baseball (660)
Based on my experience, all you need to coach 7- to 9-year-olds is this phrase:
"You can do it." If you can say this and know your players by name (as in "You can do it, [child's name]"
or possibly "Tu es capable, [nom d'enfant]") you're already qualified.
Family
DVD Night or "No, YOU pass the popcorn!" (560)
The following is a transcript of a typical DVD-rental
night in the Murray house. Present are two adults and four children, the youngest of which probably shouldn't be watching
this selection anyway since it's PG13 but hopefully she's too young to be scarred by it.
Pity the
unhandyman (690)
As "helpers" go, he's the best. But there are few things more emasculating than
mishandling power tools in front of another man.
The Great
Canadian Short Story of Canadiana for Canada Day (775)
"Lord tunderin'!" Alistair cried as he took a
mouthful of steaming maple-and-pemmican soup. "She's some hot!"
Saving
private robin (745)
The bird on the lawn Saturday afternoon was very much alive, hopping about and calling for its
parents. The adult robins flitted about nervously, squawking frantically, like stockbrokers trying to dump Nortel.
Quebec's
Bernard Landry: The Golden Years (660)
"It is not so important for our young people to have access to as many
opportunities as possible. What is important is the collectivity and making sure it stays put. Besides, we have everything
anyone could want right here. Only through isolation can we truly develop as a people."
Dear Tech Guy:
My hard drive is soggy (720)
This week, I answer some of your computer-related questions. Why? Because Rule #1 of
being a tech guy is pretending you know what you're doing, and in this regard I am vastly qualified.
Dance
Lessons (665)
Lesson #2: When attending a wine-and-cheese, you quickly have your fill of cheese. Not so for the
wine. Be warned.
The
dryer with something extra (700)
We got it home and stuck it in the basement. Phew! Still kind of stinky. The next
morning, a horrible thought popped into my head: "Wait a minute. I know that smell. That's not a cat smell. That's a
dead-thing smell!"
The Harper-Duceppe e-mails (630)
I mean, look at the way it seems our heads are leaning together
like we're about to share an intimate man-on-man moment. Disgusting (no offence). All we were doing, you'll recall, was
conspiring to put the Martin government out of its misery.
"He
may be asinine / But he's still 39" (650)
I turn 40 later this year. I won't say when exactly because I'm
afraid the civic parades might be too much of a distraction and interfere with my nap time.
Let me say right
now that I'm sorry about that (670)
Who among us hasn't been really, really sorry (meaning really, really hoping
to avoid punishment), for instance, after coming home to an exasperated spouse who is ready to throw you out because you've
yet again turned up drunk, belligerent, and both shaven and tattooed in places you weren't when you went out?
Hello…?
The scandal that
brought the Murray house to its knees (770)
Day 3 of the testimony by Ross Murray before the Gomery Commission
on the Canadian federal sponsorship scandal
I've got
those slap 'em together and shove 'em out the door school lunch blues (650)
According to my calendar, there are
only about fifty days left in the school year. I can't wait. That means the kids will be home and able to help me dig that
moat around the house I've been working on. Plus, no more math questions I have to pretend to understand.
My favorite
April Fool's carol: "God Jest Thee, Merry Gentlemen" (640)
We get so busy during the hectic April Fool's
season, what with all the April Fool's shopping and the baking of the traditional April Fool's schnitzel, that sometimes we
forget the true meaning of April Fool's Day: spending time with friends and loved ones and making them look stupid.
The F-word and
other lyrics (690)
So what's a free-thinking, rock-'n-roll-loving, occasionally foul-mouthed parent supposed to do
when the kids start bringing home music that contains "the word" and other reasonable facsimiles?
Censorship?
Tossing his
hat into the ring and all that (620)
This worked out pretty well for most, but this is Quebec and we must all do
things the same way. We call this "working for the collectivity," although most other democracies would call it
"benevolent fascism."
Blue jeans,
baby (680)
The point is that I am at once a fashion have-not and terribly insecure about looking like a buffoon.
Being really cheap doesn't help. It wouldn't be so bad if it weren't for the tremendous social pressure to look
good.
A man with
a Plan (650)
Please find enclosed my schedule of Planning Days for the coming year. During these days, I won't be
showing up for work.
Hockey:
great game, lousy sport (670)
Here's one Canadian who doesn't give a rat's rump that the National Hockey League
season is cancelled.
Get your buns
off the table, eh? (660)
And that's the Canadian way - working together, making sacrifices jointly, and not
ticking off the powerful Alberta beef lobby.
And
why isn't Shaun of the Dead nominated? (660)
Haven't been to the movies lately? Feeling left out of the
Oscar buzz because you have no idea what the movies are about? Don't know where to wager your kids' education fund? Don't
worry; it's easy to pick the Oscar winners, even if you haven't seen the films.
What if
youth ran politics? (675)
In last year's federal election, only 38 percent of 18-30-year-olds bothered to vote in
Canada. Just think how much better some parties would fare with a stronger turnout of 21-year-olds? OK, the Green and the
Marijuana parties would do better but that's not the point. The point is, how do you reach these young people?
The Old
Plonkster Weighs In (630)
With no end in sight for the SAQ strike, Quebecers are having to turn to other sources
for their wine. Luckily, we live in a province where your next booze fix is just around the corner, at least until 11
p.m.
To Sir,
with complimentary cocktail (660)
We find a moment to chat briefly about the new Canadian $20 and how she wishes
we'd do something about that dreadful green, when Sir Ian McKellen barges in, and we all know how he is when he gets around
queens! I slowly back away.
Hope you
had a good Christmas (600)
You won't get around to read this until after Boxing Day. After all, who has time to
read excruciatingly funny, jet-setting playboy columnists when there are cookies and cats to decorate?
Little
Drummer Boy, etcetera etcetera (645)
Christmas music is everywhere, starting sometime after Halloween. But really
it has little Christian influence. No one ever hears N'Sync singing "O Holy Night" and thinks, "Hmmm, I must
to church."
The
Flashlight (670)
This wasn't just the tiny Maglite you can hold in your mouth so you can have two hands free to
defuse a bomb in the dark (hey, it could happen) but the big four D-cell-battery-mother. The kind you hold above your
shoulder and say in a deep voice, "Excuse me, Ma'am, could you get out the car? There's a-gonna be some
friskin'."
I'm
feeling a little behind (680)
I was crushed last week to learn that once again I had been passed over as the
Sexiest Man Alive.
The family that
couldn't stop sneezing (650)
When I was a kid, I had a book called The Man Who Couldn't Stop Sneezing. It
was about a guy who goes to great lengths to find the source of his non-stop nasal aggravation. He throws away all his
possessions, rips off his clothes, and essentially goes berserk, until finally he moves into a cave in the woods with only
his faithful dog for companionship.
And don't
forget the Chinese frog legs (680)
I had to question why some diners were at a Chinese buffet at all, since so
many were filling up on onion rings, french fries, and other not-exactly Asian dishes. What exactly was the attraction of the
cocktail sausages in sauce? The bacon-wrapped sausages, sure, but cocktail weenies?
Curling: sport
of geeks & scientists (700)
Curling is a sport the way golf and bowling are sports - you can drink while
you're playing and it actually improves your game.
Dear Dubya:
No hard feelings, right? (690)
you pulled it off, this time without the Supreme Court. Now you can actually say
you were elected! It must feel good to finally have democracy on your side. Take THAT, Michael Moore! And Daddy!
Three
Halloween spleen-tinglers (750)
Once upon a time in a scary one-bedroom apartment there lived a witch who owned a
giant floating eyeball. This eyeball was like a crystal ball in that it could see the future. It was unlike a crystal ball in
that it had an eyelid and was generally creepy. All floaty and blinky like.
Take a walk on
the mild side (700)
I've just come back from my second walk of the day with Abby. Do not confuse this with a
cardiovascular workout. This is the tai chi equivalent of walking, more meditative than exertive.
Rethinking those school laptops, now that my daughter has one (700)
It's wonderful to have an Apple
in the house again. They've improved so much since the last time I worked with one. There are some new, very important
features, like the way windows swoosh closed as if they're being sucked into a black hole. Then there are the gently soothing
screen-savers featuring undulating nature scenes. Why, it's just like a life-insurance commercial.
Hip
advice for Country Newbies (680)
The 2005 Newbie Farmer's Almanac is now on sale. In a tradition going all the way
back to 1987, our almanac provides information, lore, false hopes, and condescending advice to the newly affluent who are
hell-bent on systematically gentrifying semi-rural areas and who don't feel "authentic" unless they're pushing up a
crop of peas.
On the street where
you wave (670)
It also seems to me that for every three trucks that go into the United States, only one comes out.
What happens to the other two? Do they just stay, the drivers lured by the promise of better lives and extreme
makeovers?
"I went
to Canada and all I got was mugged" (700)
The US Federal Mug Agency, meanwhile, is trying to crack down on
the importation of Canadian mugs, claiming that they may be "unsafe."
The day the cat
walked in (670)
Earlier this year I was relishing our home's single-pet status. We were down to one self-contained
hamster and that's the way I liked it.
You're not
going to eat that, are you? (715)
Imagine this: You're sitting at home, reading your newspaper. It's getting close
to suppertime. There's a knock at the door. You open it and there's a stranger standing there holding a pot. "I've got
this leftover food. Do you want it?"
Cartoon character, moi (516)
They say we all have a doppelganger - a twin of sorts out there
somewhere. This is convenient if you need someone to blame for going bonkers at the McDonald's drive-thru, not so handy when
your twin keeps cashing your paycheques.
Pretty swift, sort of high, reasonably strong (670)
Welcome to Day 6 of the Average Olympics. So far
the competition here in Athens, Ontario, has been mundane beyond all expectations as athletes of typical build and fairly
ordinary background compete for Olympic mediocrity.
Spare
the meat, spoil the child (690)
Our daughter Abby has a metabolic condition called tyrosinemia, that, untreated,
makes certain proteins toxic. It is controlled with medication, specialty foods, and a highly restrictive diet, allowing her
to live a normal life. Abby also had a stroke a year and a half ago but recovered quickly.
"Hey, kids, let's play bare-toed croquet!" (700)
Bored with the same old family
gatherings? Cringe at the prospect of hearing Uncle Felix drone on about his spleen? Undergoing the scrutiny of your in-laws
doesn't give you that life-on-the-edge thrill it used to? Well, take family gatherings to the next level and dive headlong
into the pulse-pounding world of Xtreme Famlee Ree-U-nions©!
You, sir,
are a divot! (660)
WHEREAS the accused, Ross Murray, sometimes plays golf at the Club, whereby "golf" is
defined solely on the act of hitting a dimpled white ball into 9 or 18 holes without consideration for the number of strokes
it takes to do so, even if it takes a really, really, really tremendous amount of strokes. Like, really tremendous;
Has it
really been 20 years? (630)
Dear Class of '84, as your valedictorian, I'm sure you're asking yourselves two
questions: first, "Didn't you do time?" and second, "What pearls of wisdom can you offer us twenty years after
giving a rousing valedictory speech that still rings mightily through the corridors of John Hugh Gillis Regional High
School?"
So one
little tree let me down… (630)
Up in the air, Junior Birdman
Which
side are you on, les boys? (580)
Quebec is going through a period of relative cultural peace. Kind of dull, isn't
it? The only people talking about sovereignty these days are blowhard-liners who worry about English-only toys at
Zellers.
Sucking it
up in the good old summertime (700)
I rented the film Swimming Pool the other night. I thought it was a
how-to video on pool care and maintenance but it ended up being about a frequently nude sex kitten. I was very
disappointed.
Working
Dads 'do' list (570)
Are you a stay-at-home dad? Do you pride yourself in flouting traditional gender roles by
being the primary caregiver and household manager? At the same time, do you wish you had taken a few Home-Ec classes so you
would know the difference between basting a turkey and basting a hemline?
Which way to the
wasabi? (670)
Among the beef, pork, and chicken were bison meat and horse meat. Emily, my oldest, conceded that
she might try bison but never the horse. We've had this conversation before. On the rare occasions Deb and I have lamb chops,
I like to hold up the meat and go "Baa-a-a…," which usually generates a sneer.
Buns of
cornmeal (650)
A new gym opened in town recently called Figures. It's for women only, along the lines of the
competing franchise Curves. It's doing a bang-up business, or at least I believe it is about the only businesses around here
I'm not allowed to enter. That and the hair salon downtown ever since the "Blue Rinse Episode."
Ah, those DVD
'extras' (680)
We were tickled in the Murray house earlier this year to get our first DVD player. This is a giant
leap technology-wise. We don't even have cable in our house.
Take the
money and run (640)
Welcome to the CIBC Disgruntled Customer Hotline. For service in English, press 1. For service
in French, press 2. If you are a rural customer, press 3 and we will try and talk a little slower for you.
Lying gets
you nowhere - fast (680)
When I was 23, I was arrested in Toronto for stealing a fire extinguisher from a subway
station. I would have got away with it, too, if I hadn't started spraying my friend just as a cop car drove by.
Are
you eligible for the Retroactive Rebate Rebate? (625)
Congratulations for choosing Quebec's Simplified 2003 Income
Tax Return. This guide provides all the information, pie charts, algorithms, and divinations you need to complete as many of
your tax calculations as possible before you finally give up in frustration and hire a real accountant do it for
you.
Book
borrowing banned, borrowers buggered (670)
"These libraries are devious," said the senator, who has also
championed a bill to prevent newspaper subscribers from passing on their copies to sisters/nephews/postal workers. He is
perhaps most famous for backing the Ebert Bill, which forces mandatory thumb-ectomies on film reviewers who give away
endings.
Disney:
It's all about death & dying (650)
Walt Disney is dead. And he wants you to join him.
No pet lover,
I (650)
To my surprise, I've discovered I'm a pet agnostic. I don't much like the critters. I've had a feline
falling out, a pet peeve, a canine crisis of faith.
What's in a
name? (650)
Many readers may be asking themselves, "Alphonse" - in my mind, all readers are named
Alphonse; don't ask me why - "Alphonse, how could it be that the former owner and editor of The Stanstead Journal is
suddenly writing a column for the competition?
Catch
phrase gets two thumbs up (300)
Why is John Kerry leading the Democrat's push for the White House? It's the catch
phrase, stupid.
Old Yeller
& Calamity James (700)
It's the non-justified yelling that I need to work on. Take James again. He whistles
constantly - a shrill one-note cantata that feels like getting a tooth drilled during a hangover.
I took my
family went to the Coaticook Gorge and all I got was this lousy panic attack (850)
Aging I can handle. Rogue hairs
in my eyebrows, nose, and ears? Bring 'em on. That popping noise every time I bend down? Just my bones settling. What really
distresses me is the fact that I have become a scaredy-cat.
Yes, we have no
big tomatoes (860)
Puny plants I can deal with. But I want my tomatoes. I want sauces and sandwiches. I want a
thick slice of beefsteak on a late-August burger.
So what's the
big deal about the Tomifobia Valley bike trail? (800)
Until two Sundays ago, I had never been on the completed
trail to any great extent, certainly not since its completion. Now officially opened between Beebe and Ayer's Cliff, I
decided to set out with the family to see what the fuss was all about. We set out on our leisurely way under sunny
skies.
Abby had a
stroke (785)
Within an hour, she could no longer stand up. Our 20-month-old had become as helpless and as limp as
a newborn. She couldn't stay awake, and when she was, she cried. Her breathing wasn't right.
Stand up
for Emerson, Manitoba (600)
If the federal government closes the border at Emerson, what is to prevent small
Quebec crossings like Beebe or Highwater from being shut down? Why not shut downtown Rock Island and divert traffic up to
Autoroute 55? With Customs planning a major renovation of its 55 facility - complete with said "advanced
technology" - the possibility is a real one.
She's not
sick, but... (650)
"She doesn't look sick," people often say when they see Abby. Thirteen months old and
more than a year after being diagnosed with tyrosinemia, she really doesn't look sick. In fact, she isn't sick at
all.
Don't
assume the gods won't get you anyway (690)
I rushed home from the office after turning off all the computers and
printers (suddenly I was hyper-conscious about overheated equipment) to find my family and the neighbors standing around the
front yard.
I am not
speak French goodly
Such polite boys and girls. God knows that if I was 11 years old and I had someone like me
come talk to my class, there'd be plenty of snickering and arm-farting going on.
Abby has her
own bed now
It has been hard going, especially at first, causing a fair bit of tension as we second-guessed and
triple-guessed what to do as Abby screamed inconsolably... alone... abandoned... in her crib. The sobbing was sadder, more
pitiful than those other nights when she just stayed up and kept crying and crying.
Neighboring towns being gouged
Everybody knows volunteer firefighters aren't entirely volunteers.
They are paid for the time they spend fighting fires and responding to emergency situations. And rightfully so; it's tough,
dangerous, often exhausting work that should be rewarded. Right, too, that the neighboring municipalities that use the
services of these volunteers should pay their wages. But suddenly the Town of Stanstead is using these volunteers as pawns
in what amounts to little more than price gouging.
Get those
pants on now! (700)
You can feel it in the air: spring is around the corner. The snow banks have turned that
sludgy grey-brown - the official symbol of Canadian renewal. Soggy dog turds are surfacing at the edges of the sidewalks.
And throughout the land, parents are rubbing their hands in anticipation of winter's true end - no more snowpants.
La
Madame (700)
Make no mistake: Mme LaRivière was no kook. She had, for instance, strong views on federalism
and Quebec's place in it. She called herself not a "québécoise" but a "French Canadian." A
proud one. She was fond of telling us, "If what they said was true about us French girls, we would all have been
bowlegged." She also felt strongly about the role of seniors, how they could contribute to society, and what they could
offer to "your generation." What she hated were those among her generation whose motto seemed to be "Qu'est-ce
qu'on peut faire?"
I'm getting too
old for this (700)
Bungee jumping, skydiving, big-game hunting. None of these exploits have ever beckoned to me
as "must-do" activities. I feel no urge to drive Formula One. I marvel enough at life's fragility crossing Main
Street in Ayer's Cliff. As far as I'm concerned, the "extreme" side can remain unexplored.
Abby's home
now (800)
The day his sister was born, James had a revelation. You could see it pass across his
five-and-a-half-year-old face as he looked down at the little bundle that a day earlier had been inside his mother's belly.
And now it had come out.
No sympathy for
the fainter (800)
Fine. I got a little woozy. But I did not pass out. My eyes did roll briefly - briefly! - into
the back of my head and my face did turn the same shade as the surgical gloves the nurse was wearing but I did not flop,
plop, heave, or spaz. And I gave my pint, dammit! I don't care what anyone tells you.
The doctor was 99 percent
certain that snippy little procedure was bulletproof (885 words)
That's why shortly after James was born five
years ago, we decided that I should undergo a vasectomy.
Spice Girl Grooving (600 words)
Just call our writer dad Rancid Spice.
Still Playing Silly
Buggers
A gentle spoof about a bike trail and those
who hate it.
Ross Murray edits Quebec's Stanstead Journal.
Farewell, Taylor Clan (700
words)
The family leaves the village farm after 125 years.
Ross Murray edits Quebec's Stanstead Journal.
Fridge Art
Boy, do we
have art for you.
By Ross Murray, Editor, Quebec's Stanstead Journal.
