Don't fear the leaker -- you, too, can plumb, Bob!
Posted 02.02.12
ROSS MURRAY
Friends, homeowners, handymen, lend me your shears, in addition to any other proper tools you might possess. Do so, for my toolbox lacks the means to effectively carry out my home repairs, specifically the subjugation of the drips, the clogs, the inefficient double-flushes that plague this abode. Give me your pliers, your pumps, your muddied wrenches yearning to set free the stuck things.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Is that a probe or are you just glad to see me?
Posted 01.24.12
ROSS MURRAY
The space junk fell in my back yard late Sunday evening. The family was sitting around the TV watching our new favourite reality show, "So You Think You Can Sail a Cruise Ship...," when we heard the dog barking outside.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

There's a house word for that
Posted 01.17.12
ROSS MURRAY
Language is culture. Yogurt is also culture. Beyond that they have nothing in common. It's language -- certainly not yogurt -- that binds us.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Obligatory post-lottery interview
Posted 01.09.12
ROSS MURRAY
That evening, we all gathered in the family room as one of the kids went online to retrieve the winning numbers. He started reading them out. I got one number. Then I got another, and then the numbers kept coming.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Obligatory post-lottery interview
Posted 01.09.12
ROSS MURRAY
That evening, we all gathered in the family room as one of the kids went online to retrieve the winning numbers. He started reading them out. I got one number. Then I got another, and then the numbers kept coming.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

The Year of the Dog
Posted 12.29.11
ROSS MURRAY
The Man wants me to talk about the Year. He says people like to talk about time like it has a beginning and an end. I do not think that time has a beginning and an end. A bag of dog food has a beginning and an end. I am sad when the bag of dog food ends. But then there is another bag and I am happy again. I like dog food!
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

The gift of the mad guy
Posted 12.12.11
ROSS MURRAY
How are the reindeer? Honestly, I don't know why I ask that because I can't imagine any possible answers other than "cantankerous" and "smelly."
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

By the splitting of my thumb, something wintery this way comes
Posted 12.05.11
ROSS MURRAY
Here's a prediction: Winter is coming.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

I'm sexy and I know it -- but People still doesn't
Posted 11.30.11
ROSS MURRAY
As you are by now aware, I have once again been passed over as People magazine's Sexiest Man Alive in favour of one Bradley Cooper, an actor of moderate renown with a certain douchey quality that appeals to a distressing number of women.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

You with the dreadlocks! Get out of my compost!
Posted 11.21.11
ROSS MURRAY
For the past two months, I have patiently stood back (or alternatively peeked hesitantly through my bedroom blinds) as you've taken over my back lawn with your protests and encampments. As someone who considers himself to be politically left-leaning and still somewhat bitter for having missed out on the sixties by just that much, I have been sympathetic to your movement and your demands, as vague as they've been.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Ridiculous? Still got the moves..
Posted 11.14.11
ROSS MURRAY
When, for example, does a dude sporting a ponytail go from "keeping it real" to "creepy for real"?
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Canada: Dead Poem Society
Posted 11.08.11
ROSS MURRAY
Prime Minister Stephen Harper has unveiled the next stage in his government's ongoing transformation of the Canadian political and social landscape, promising new and comprehensive legislation to get tough on rhyme.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

An age-inappropriate Halloween tale
Posted 10.30.11
ROSS MURRAY
Warning: The following story contains gruesome scenes and high sugar content; may cause queasiness and cellulite
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

You'll get yourself a reputation
Posted 10.25.11
ROSS MURRAY
As the saying goes, reputations are like soufflés: tough to make, easily ruined, not good with tequila.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

All you need is lunch
Posted 10.16.11
ROSS MURRAY
With 180 school days each year, and with my youngest daughter having attended five years of school so far, that means she's gone to school for approximately 900 days -- not counting when she's supervised at school during planning days, which in Quebec amounts to something like 72 a year.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

I thank, therefore I am. Canadian.
Posted 10.09.11
ROSS MURRAY
As holidays go, Thanksgiving has never really taken off. And by "taken off," I mean I don't recall any Thanksgiving presents coming my way, so that's not much of a holiday, is it?
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Run On
Posted 09.30.11
ROSS MURRAY
Hmmm... well, this is a self-indulgent rule-breaker -- one sentence and one paragraph, 725 words long. Sorry, readers.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

A letter to the cats from Moe, who went missing
Posted 09.13.11
ROSS MURRAY
When I first wandered into the family house, I figured I'd give it a year, two years tops, long enough for me to work off the kitten fat, get up to my cat-fighting weight, live in the lap of luxury for a while -- live in it, snuggle in it, do that freaky kneading/suckling thing that I can't help doing... what is it with the kneading? You guys know what I'm talking about, right?
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

The cat's pyjamas and the mouse's sweatpants
Posted 09.05.11
ROSS MURRAY
Our house has a longstanding save-the-critter policy. Many a bumblebee has been captured under glass and released into the wild. Sundry spiders have dangled from fingertips and been whisked quickly out of doors. Toads are strictly catch-and-release.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

I smell errata
Posted 08.25.11
ROSS MURRAY
My column about the futility of lawn care ("Look out back in anger") made the baseless claim that Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper's stand on climate change had caused my grass to turn brown. Moreover, the author's tone was unjustifiably snippy. We apologize for the allegation and graciously ask the Conservative Party to call off its lawyers.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Summer 2011: I wanna know what glub is
Posted 08.13.11
ROSS MURRAY
How would you describe your summer so far? Has it been "I've been swimming in my pool a few times" okay? Or "I've been skinny-dipping in my pool a few times" excellent? Or maybe even "I've been skinny-dipping in my neighbour's pool a few times when they're not home" downright awesome?
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

To call screen or not to screen
Posted 07.29.11
ROSS MURRAY
There are countless inventions whose negative impact outweighs the positive. Take plastic wrap, for example -- wastefulness for the sake of convenience. On the other hand, it probably has contributed to food safety over the years, not to mention the joke about the guy who goes to the psychiatrist wearing only Saran Wrap, causing the psychiatrist to say, "I can clearly see you're nuts. "
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Cancel that HBC credit card
Posted 07.20.11
ROSS MURRAY
When the WalMarts started moving in, we actually felt bad for Zellers. Yes, the quality of your house-brand footwear and clothing is laughably poor, but oh!, the savings we've enjoyed on diapers and toilet paper! Where would our kitties be without your giant tubs of litter? And where else can you get Ganong spearmint leaves around here? Nowhere.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Those lazy, hazy days of summer "back then"
Posted 07.16.11
ROSS MURRAY
Remember when summers were spent just goofing off? Now, those were summers! Not that we did nothing. On the contrary. Our days were filled with carefree adventure and daring-do, punctuated by visits to the Emergency Room.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Bandages? We don't need no stinkin' bandages!
Posted 07.06.11
ROSS MURRAY
Recently, my daughter Katie graduated from Alexander Galt High School. Along with a diploma, each student received a small graduation-night emergency kit. The contents included a pre-paid calling card, a business card for a taxi service, a small pamphlet listing youth resources and emergency numbers, an antiseptic swab, a Band-Aid, and a condom.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Whatsa antimatter with you?
Posted 06.16.11
ROSS MURRAY
Dear Class of 2011, over the next few days, you're going to receive a lot of advice. I realize that it seems like people have been preaching at you forever, and maybe you feel you've heard enough.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

This one's a bit of a strain
Posted 06.07.11
ROSS MURRAY
I've never broken a bone, and I see this is an indictment of an overcautious life. Not that I desire pain and injury, but it seems to me that, statistically speaking, I should have busted something by now.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Star Wars: I have a bad feeling about this
Posted 05.24.11
ROSS MURRAY
Another rule is that if Star Wars is on TV, you have to watch it. That's just the way it is. That's how I ended up spending my Canadian election evening with one eye on the epic battle between good and evil with the fate of millions hanging in the balance and the other eye on Return of the Jedi. Forgive me, then, if the two become a bit blurred.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

AND REMEMBER: LET'S PUT THE "SHHH" IN "SHOWTIME"
Posted 05.13.11
ROSS MURRAY
Good evening, everyone. If we could all just settle down, please.... As principal of Élecole Ste-Beigne-de-la-Framboise, I'd like to welcome you to our annual all-school musical-dramatic-revue-pageant-spectacle! The children have a wonderful evening planned for you, and if all goes well we should be out of here in two to two-and-a-half hours... Settle down, please... quiet... People, I can wait here all night!
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Something else with that?
Posted 05.04.11
ROSS MURRAY
Mostly, though, I don't like drive-thrus because so much can go wrong. With my terrible French and burgeoning deafness, I need the face-to-face interaction that a drive-thru can never provide.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

What a Canadian friend we have in Stephen
Posted 04.28.11
ROSS MURRAY
I imagine Friend Stephen would be the type of friend who would come over to your house for a barbecue and insist on taking over the grill, arguing that only his heightened vigilance could ensure that the neighbours won't sneak into the yard and steal the meat right off the grill, because that's what neighbours do.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

I wanna hold your hand... really
Posted 04.21.11
ROSS MURRAY
There's a myth in our house that claims I don't like holding hands -- a myth perpetrated by my own wife. "Your father," she likes to tell the children, "was too embarrassed to hold my hand when we started going out."
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Off to the Royal Wedding
Posted 04.11.11
ROSS MURRAY
I'm writing to let you know that I've not yet received my invitation to your Royal Wedding. I imagine what happened is that you mailed it to my old P.O. box address instead of my street address and, well, you know how postal workers are in the colonies. But not to worry; I'll be there.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Ten things not about the snow
Posted 03.29.11
ROSS MURRAY
I'm glad to see so many people here this evening. It seems our numbers keep growing week after week! Our membership always takes a dive at the start of the new year, what with everyone feeling so optimistic and upbeat. But with all the calamity that's befallen the world over the past couple of months, attendance has been going through the bomb-shelter roof! That's good, because remember, people: there's no hysteria like mass hysteria.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Ten things not about the snow
Posted 03.20.11
ROSS MURRAY
This column is not about snow. I think we're all pretty much snowed out. We're snowed out, snowed in, snowed up and down, and snowed under. Snow doubt about it. Or are we?
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Teaching your children well
Posted 03.12.11
ROSS MURRAY
I know for a fact that I'm a terrible teacher because a few years ago I pinch-hit for an advanced senior English class while the regular, properly trained teacher was on sick leave. It was three months of glazed eyes, zero concentration, and not a single cohesive thought. And you should have seen the students!
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Your local tax dollars at work
Posted 02.20.11
ROSS MURRAY
If you want to know the complete story, context is everything. Yes, it's true that the Town of Stanstead's budget is $3.1 million compared to $2.5 million in the Township, where the children are honey-haired and never get the croup. But you have to look at what services those taxes provide citizens. For example, did you know that the provincial cops routinely patrol Stanstead 3.43 times a week? In the Township, it's only 2.8 times per week.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Hundred percent chance of weather
Posted 02.19.11
ROSS MURRAY
Early snow showers will turn to hail at mid-morning and then turn to Mecca at noon for midday prayers. Mountainous regions will see a 60 percent chance of being majestic, while the merely hilly regions will undergo periods of jealousy for those smug mountains with all their gung-ho climbers and rock-clinging lichens and overall ruggedness. Stupid mountains! Temperatures will fluctuate like the popularity of Brittany Spears.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

A "Dear Van" letter
Posted 02.10.11
ROSS MURRAY
This is probably the hardest letter I've ever had to write to a motor vehicle. We've been together now for seven years and 230,000 kilometres, through good towns and bad. That's why what I'm about to write is so extremely difficult, almost as difficult as getting the spare tire to descend from your undercarriage. Difficult, but not impossible... unlike the spare.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Lost in stuff
Posted 02.04.11
ROSS MURRAY
Considering we're so consumed with consuming, people sure don't look happy when they shop. You'd think everyone would be downright giddy. Just looking at the profusion of stuff should be enough to illicit outbursts of ecstasy. "Holy baby-bonus! A koala-fur iPod holder! A musical spatula! Bieber-brand industrial cleanser! Sporks!"
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Don't play that song for me, Canada
Posted 01.24.11
ROSS MURRAY
It is completely unacceptable in this day and age and time and space for a 25-year-old song to contain the F-word. No, not that F-word, the other one, the homosexual slur. I can't even bring myself to write it. I don't even like to think it. Oh gosh, I'm thinking it now! Stop, brain, stop! Quick, tell me, people at the CBSC, how do you turn your brain off?
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Lactating intolerance
Posted 01.18.11
ROSS MURRAY
There's just something about breastfeeding that makes some people a bit squirrelly. Perhaps that's the reason a Montreal sales clerk this past weekend asked a nursing mom to leave the store.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

2011: The year to fear
Posted 01.11.11
ROSS MURRAY
Well, thank goodness that's over with. Now that it's 2011, we can put the nastiness of 2010 behind us, right? Sorry, no, we can't.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

You don't know how lucky you are
Posted 12.29.10
ROSS MURRAY
That schmucky feeling will sometimes hit me when I'm grasping for something to write about. Maybe the refrigerator. Yes, the Frigidaire of the Damned, where mummified vegetables lie entombed in the so-called "crisper"; where 10-year-old hot sauces of varying murkiness tempt you with their aged pungency and potential toxicity; and in the deepest recesses of the bottom shelf, encased in a no-name margarine container -- Good Grills Gone Bad!
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Xmas Poem
Posted 12.23.10
ROSS MURRAY
'Tis three nights before Christmas,
I should be out shopping,
Not watching the tree,
counting pine needles dropping.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Michael
Posted 12.15.10
ROSS MURRAY
My daughter Katie has a friend at school who tells her that he would like to appear in one of my columns. Let's call this friend "Michael."
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Wiki Canada
Posted 12.07.10
ROSS MURRAY
When the Globe & Mail reported recently that "Canada barely rates a mention" in the WikiLeaks cable dump, you could almost hear the sulking disappointment. Dang; ignored by the cool kids again.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Stop bivouacking your sister!
Posted 12.01.10
ROSS MURRAY
At ease, troops. Thank you for joining Mother and me here in the war room, AKA the dining room. Our mission is to coordinate our assault on tomorrow's commitments. If we effectively optimize our resources, anticipate counter-attacks on our limited time, and fend off spontaneous sleepovers, we may be able to maneuver through tomorrow with only minimal casualties.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Just stop it already!
Posted 11.21.10
ROSS MURRAY
Reasons why my 15-year-old son should stop bouncing a basketball in the house and/or incessantly popping it up in the air and catching it -- since he asked:
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Saint nothin' like the real thing, baby
Posted 11.12.10
ROSS MURRAY
They really ought to time holidays better. I mean, you're still bouncing off the wall from the sugar high of Halloween and the next day you have to settle all the heck down for All Saints Day.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

It's perfectly paranormal: a Halloween tale
Posted 10.31.10
ROSS MURRAY
"Did you hear that?" Beth sat up in bed. The clock read 3:14 a.m. The night was dark, which was pretty standard for 3:14, come to think of it.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Didn't we just get here?
Posted 10.24.10
ROSS MURRAY
The recent mail included a letter from Montreal's Concordia University to our daughter Emily. I tore it open in the car, even though that's apparently a federal offense, or so says my wife, who knows a thing or two about these things. I figured I could risk it, seeing that Em's in Thailand and I have a special dispensation from the Postmaster General for all matters related to mail fraud.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

You schmooze, you lose
Posted 10.18.10
ROSS MURRAY
"Hello, welcome to SchmoozeTech, this is Randy, how may I help you?"
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Bonhomme not so bon?
Posted 10.04.10
ROSS MURRAY
QUEBEC CITY | Still reeling from the furor over his image being used on the cover of Maclean's magazine, Bonhomme Carnaval has retreated to an undisclosed location and is no longer granting interviews.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Sorry, people, the Internet is full
Posted 09.27.10
ROSS MURRAY
GENEVA, Switzerland | If you had planned to blog this morning about the latest antics of your Schnauzer or post a video of Grandma losing her dentures, you're out of luck. The Internet is closed.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

American deep-fried pie
Posted 09.19.10
ROSS MURRAY
You know what I love? Shopping in the United States. Not for clothes or cars or firearms. But food. Specifically, junk food. No one does unhealthy snacks better than the Americans.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Honour? Barely knew her
Posted 09.07.10
ROSS MURRAY
Following the recent Rally for Nothing Too Specific in Washington, DC, I've decided to emulate celebrity demagogue Glenn Beck by organizing my own rally. I'm calling it "Honourgeddon."
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Much ado to-do list
Posted 09.01.10
ROSS MURRAY
Good morning, children. Here are your instructions for today. Please read carefully. Make sure you are fully awake.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

I get column questions
Posted 08.24.10
ROSS MURRAY
And it's time for some answers...
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Joys of Camping Redux
Posted 08.12.10
ROSS MURRAY
There was a brief possibility of hope, a vista of joy, a burdenless future -- or at very least a weekend camping without the dog. Instead, we now have a medium-dog-sized hole in our tent.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Short-tempered in Canada about the long form
Posted 08.03.10
ROSS MURRAY
Absolutely everyone in Canada is talking about the Conservative government's decision to eliminate the mandatory long-form questionnaire in the Canadian census. There hasn't been this much chatter since Revenue Canada revised the RD310 Statement of Fiscal Inclemency.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

What would Gaga do?
Posted 07.21.10
ROSS MURRAY
In retrospect, maybe holding a Lady Gaga-influenced book reading wasn't such a good idea. The legal fallout alone is going to tie me up for months.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

The groom's view, or Weddings for Dummies
Posted 07.07.10
ROSS MURRAY
Weddings are girly. Not exactly a revelation, but it hit home recently while preparing for my nephew's wedding, around the time I was hanging the ribbons.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Welcome to McMelbourne, Quebec!
Posted 06.30.10
ROSS MURRAY
I'm mightily miffed about this McDonald's in Melbourne, Quebec. Ostensibly outraged, even. The situation hardly seems fair. I mean, what about the rest of us living in small, commercially fragile towns across QuebecŐs Eastern Townships? Where's our McDonald's?
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Papas on parade
Posted 06.18.10
ROSS MURRAY
"Good afternoon, everyone, and welcome to the 52nd Annual Father's Day Parade. I'm Dick Harmon with my co-host Fanny Aspwich, coming to you live from beautiful downtown Berwick. The sun is shining, and we're all set for another prodigious procession of patriarchs pounding the pavement."
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

What would make me happy
Posted 06.11.10
ROSS MURRAY
No. 6. Scientists discover that people who played in their high school band live four percent longer than all-star high school hockey players. Plus, their spouses are three percent hotter.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

How to make friends and influence pirates
Posted 06.04.10
ROSS MURRAY
It's easy to make friends when you're little. It goes like this:
"Hi. I'm Bertha. I'm five."
"Me too I'm five. I'm Jeremy. Can I come to your house?"
"Okay. But let's play in this sandbox first. No, wait! Let's get married."
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Scandals of the literary kind
Posted 05.28.10
ROSS MURRAY
News item: Children's author Robert Munsch reveals cocaine use, alcohol addiction. "My children love his books, it will break my heart to tell them the truth but as their mother I have to. Our family will not idolize those who do bad things. The press makes stars out to be 'gods' after they overdose on drugs or cheat on their wives, but we will not!" - Sara Landriault, president of the International Family Childcare Association
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

My new book
Posted 05.17.10
ROSS MURRAY
Books have been on my mind a bit lately because (here comes the shameless self-promotion) I have a book coming out next month. It's a collection of columns that appeared over the years in the Stanstead Journal, Log Cabin Chronicles, and The Sherbrooke Record. This is how a lazy person writes a book without actually writing a book; it may take eighteen years but it gets done.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Psych Stuff
Posted 05.06.10
ROSS MURRAY
For example, individuals who can't stop themselves from making crude jokes, fart noises with their armpits, and leaning too close when they talk to others (with food in their teeth, no less) are most likely suffering from Obsessive Repulsive Disorder. Treatment involves regular doses of Howdyagetsogross and a strict regimen of bathing.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

I am dog. I eat house.
Posted 04.28.10
ROSS MURRAY
Hello. Hello hello HELLO! I am the dog and I am eating the Family's house. I will tell you about it when I stop jumping on you. I know it is wrong because the Man keeps yelling at me. But he is always yelling at me. He does not understand that I am jumping on you because you will not bend down to let me lick you on the mouth, so I must make myself tall. Just a taste. Yes, yes. Hello! Hello!
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Reading encrypted entrails
Posted 04.20.10
ROSS MURRAY
Our children are somewhat appalled that Deb and I are going to shows, let alone shows with the rock and the roll and the noise and the tight pants. I don't think it's so much they disapprove of us going. It's that they disapprove of us going without them.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Reading encrypted entrails
Posted 04.11.10
ROSS MURRAY
The key to interpreting the Encryption Oracle is not to take the responses too literally. They are signs along the pathway to enlightenment. Normally, a priest or shaman would ingest a mild psychotropic drug before interpreting an oracle. I, however, have only caffeine to go on at this juncture.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Ah double-dares ya to cross this street!
Posted 04.05.10
ROSS MURRAY
I am pleased to report that Operation Window Dressing at Derby Line, Vermont/Stanstead, Qweebec is unfolding as planned. We have successfully fomented a climate of fear and anxiety in the community through our vigilant efforts to thwart the pernicious crime of not entering the United States where we say so.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

The last bit of cheese
Posted 03.25.10
ROSS MURRAY
"Which food would be hardest to give up?"

"Is beer food?"
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Oh, those teacher PED days
Posted 03.17.10
ROSS MURRAY
Parents like to gripe about PED days, and in Quebec we have more reasons to gripe than parents anywhere else in Canada. That's because Quebec school boards allot 20 PED days per academic year, the most of any province.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Give me a break
Posted 03.09.10
ROSS MURRAY
Why do we have to go anywhere? Since when does March Break have to be this family vacation in the middle of the school year? Who's responsible for this? The travel industry? The City of Fort Lauderdale? Hallmark?
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Help me, I'm not Irish
Posted 03.02.10
ROSS MURRAY
I know I don't know a lot about a lot of things. Usually this is perfectly fine. There's no handicap in going through life without knowing, for instance, the history of Winnipeg, mainly because I don't care about Winnipeg and, frankly, Winnipeg doesn't care about me.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Your Winter Olympic questions answered
Posted 02.22.10
ROSS MURRAY
Why the Winter Olympics? The Winter Olympics are also a means of distracting the population from the cold days of February and from controversial global events, such as, in the case of the current Olympics, Canada's participation in the largest air assault in Afghanistan. Afghanistan is not competing in Vancouver but is expected to be a contender in the 2012 summer games in the 500 Metre Fleeing From Gunfire Relay.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Feeling a little L0VE sick?
Posted 02.14.10
ROSS MURRAY
The World Health Organization is bracing for the outbreak of a new virus that could lead to the next global pandemic. Known as "lunaticius-0 vascular excitamitus," or L0VE for short, the virus has so far proven both unpredictable and difficult to study. Scientists everywhere are saying to themselves, "I want to know what L0VE is."
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

This day in history
Posted 02.08.10
ROSS MURRAY
2010 -- Ross Murray meets the minimum word count on his weekly column, triggering sighs of relief from readers worldwide. The resulting air mass blows in an extreme cold front that settles over the American Midwest, making everyone even crankier than usual. Fox News ratings soar.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

My first flophouse
Posted 01.26.10
ROSS MURRAY
Really, the only reason I even thought she might be a hooker was because a user comment on a hotel-rating website happened to mention a hooker. And the only reason I was reading the user comments in the first place was to check the rumour about the bedbugs.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Oh Canada, guess who's coming to dinner?
Posted 01.18.10
ROSS MURRAY
Come on in. Oops, but wait. If you don't mind, before you step inside, if you wouldn't mind just passing through this full body scan, please. Standard procedure. You can never be too sure, right? Nothing personal, but you do fit the profile: shifty eyes, awkward body language, inability to answer a straight question.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

First, close your eyes and visualize
Posted 01.13.10
ROSS MURRAY
When I'm not writing scintillating newspaper columns or working at the Novelty Song Preservation Society, I am a part-time motivational speaker. Through my inspiring words, musical numbers, and an awesome PowerPoint presentation, I help people become more goal-oriented, positive and motivated -- or as I like to say, "MEtivated."
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

2009: Photo finish
Posted 01.01.10
ROSS MURRAY
Back in the days of film photography (gather round, now, young 'uns...), people used discretion when taking pictures. With only 24 shots to a roll, they had to ask themselves, "Is a photo of my foot truly film-worthy?" Or, "Do I really need a photo of myself when I could remind myself of how stunningly good looking I am simply by passing a mirror?"
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Dear Santa
Posted 12.24.09
ROSS MURRAY
We would like to express our grave concerns about SantaCorp's hiring policy. A review of the employee roster shows a glaring lack of diversity. There appears to be an almost fetishistic adherence to hiring vertically challenged individuals with malformations of the ear. While SantaCorp should be applauded for its willingness to hire people with differences, the exclusive nature of these hires is of concern.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

The Olympic Torch Moves West
Posted 12.13.09
ROSS MURRAY
My friend and colleague Eryn was one of the 12,000 Canadians selected to carry the torch. If that isn't cool enough, she also gets to keep her white Olympic torchbearer outfit, which looks like the official pyjamas of the Canadian Dairy Association.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

The unwritten rules of postering
Posted 12.08.09
ROSS MURRAY
We live by countless unwritten rules. For example, if you're at the checkout with a cart full of groceries and the person behind you has only a handful of items, you let that person go ahead, even if that person has questionable taste in cereal. Another unwritten rule is that the person you let ahead should not then proceed to purchase lottery tickets and/or pay for them by debit card. If that happens, you are allowed to throw a tin of Beef-A-Roni at the person. This last bit is not an unwritten rule but I think we can all agree it is fair and just.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

An inconvenient fruit
Posted 11.27.09
ROSS MURRAY
If I take an orange to work, I have to find a 15-minute window of opportunity to a) peel my orange; b) peel that horrid white pith off; c) find some paper towel because I've got orange oil all over me; d) break the orange into wedges; e) tear off some more paper towel; f) eat the orange; and g) go wash my hands because the paper towel just isn't cutting it.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Ask the "doctor"(690)
Posted 11.21.09
ROSS MURRAY
This is particularly the case for the Baby Boomers, that obsessively self-absorbed demographic whose bodies have passed their best-before date. Their every twinge, ache, or burble is accompanied by a looming sense of mortality and an overwhelming urge to know the worst. No wonder waiting rooms are so over-crowded. There's not a doctor shortage in Canada. There's a complaint surplus.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

And don't forget the imported gourmet pretzels...(690)
Posted 11.14.09
ROSS MURRAY
I'm writing to let you know that my daughter will once again be making the rounds with her Crapmore Gift Fundraiser Catalogue. This year, the money raised will help pay for her class field trip to the Musée des excursions éducatifs in Rimouski. Yup, sure glad public education is free (ha-ha)...
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

H1N1: Our best shot at obsession(650)
Posted 11.06.09
ROSS MURRAY
But, I'm sorry, these days it's all H1N1 all the time. H1N1 may be the most famous number-letter combo since R2-D2. I can't recall when a subject so insinuated itself into our psyches. Even after 9/11, I never looked at my neighbours and thought, "Hmmm, I wonder if Jim's a terrorist..." But if I see a co-worker so much as scratch his nose, I seriously consider reporting him to the germ police.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Welcome to FaceBOO!: A gruesome Halloween parable(760)
Posted 10.26.09
ROSS MURRAY
Allison slouched at her computer and decided to make the best of the evening. So what if her date to the Crimson Conga Cotillion had cancelled? Who wants to dance in a line all night anyway? And it's so uncomfortable wearing all that fruit. No, she was better off at home with her mug of Placid Hospice Herbal Tea and her friends -- her Facebook friends. She had 342 of them, a good two-thirds of whom she actually knew, mostly from her high school, St. Scantily School for Girls. Allison checked her updates...
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Municipal election? Yes, no, or none of the above(735)
Posted 10.26.09
ROSS MURRAY
Is there an election in your municipality? Are you sure? What if you're wrong? Won't you feel silly showing up at town hall November 1 and there's nothing to put an X on. Luckily it's a Sunday so there won't be many people around. But still, the embarrassment will burn deep.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Revenge of the Thanksgiving turkey(690)
Posted 10.12.09
ROSS MURRAY
Everyone? Everyone? Can I have your attention please? Uncle Charlie, stop palpating the pumpkins for just a minute. Kenny, if you could refrain from gnawing the charred carpet... Thank you. Can you all see me through the smoke? I'd like to say a few words before we get to my traditional Thanksgiving grace.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

School photos? Awww, shoot!(670)
Posted 10.05.09
ROSS MURRAY
I have nothing against portraits of children. Particularly in elementary school, the annual photograph is the equivalent of marking a child's height on the doorframe, a document of how much the child has grown in a year and the increasing likelihood of orthodontic intervention. Plus, as the children get older, they'll get a kick out of looking back at their bad haircuts and dazed smiles, except, of course, when you threaten to show them to their new boyfriend or girlfriend.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

The bouncy thing(660)
Posted 09.26.09
ROSS MURRAY
It's a great day in a parent's life when a child becomes too big to go on those inflatable bouncy games you find at fairs and carnivals. It's not that you want to deny your child the joys of jumping in a cushioned, germ-filled environment. It's just that if you want to do anything other than stand around as your child waits in line for her three-minute turn inside a pink, blow-up castle, you're in the wrong place.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

A history of Quebec's Eastern Townships(660)
Posted 09.22.09
ROSS MURRAY
The Eastern Townships were opened to settlement in 1791. There's a common misconception that the first settlers were United Empire Loyalists but most, in fact, were people looking for cheap land in the countryside and willing to drive out the locals to get it. Today, we would call these people Montrealers.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

This (openable) column has no strings attached(680)
Posted 09.09.09
ROSS MURRAY
I could go on and on. For instance, I could grumble at length about creeping French. It goes like this: "The cost of the belly dancing course is $50 (including finger cymbals). Inscription will take place on opening day." Did you catch that? My spell checker didn't.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Happy (School) Days Are Here Again(635)
Posted 08.29.09
ROSS MURRAY
To prepare for opening day and to ensure the efficient functioning of our classrooms, you will find below the list of school supplies that your child ABSOLUTELY MUST HAVE. It is critical that you DO NOT DEVIATE FROM THIS LIST.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

So you want to be a virtual rock 'n' roll star...(640)
Posted 08.19.09
ROSS MURRAY
We've let a monster into our house. It's not under the bed or hiding in the closet. It's just sitting there, in the open, by the television, with wires like tentacles, waiting to reach out and suck you in. We've bought... a PlayStation.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

How I saved the economy(660)
Posted 08.09.09
ROSS MURRAY
In my e-mail to Canadian workers who were taking an unanticipated break from wage-earning, I wrote, "Look, it's summer, the kids are out of school, the weather's great. Okay, the kids are out of school. Anyway, take advantage of this interruption in the daily grind.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Can you dig the River Ross?(670)
Posted 07.29.09
ROSS MURRAY
I just spent a week on the Bay of Fundy, which was recently named to a short list as a wonder of the world. By this, I don't think they mean, "It's so cold, it's a wonder anyone goes swimming," but that might be closer to the truth.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

In the Good Old Summertime, eh?(670)
Posted 07.20.09
ROSS MURRAY
Complaining about the weather is Canada's national pastime, year-round. The winter's too cold, the spring is too wet, the autumn too leafy. But you never see more teeth-gnashing and fist-shaking than during a less than clement summer.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Would you like extra RAM with that?(730)
Posted 07.13.09
ROSS MURRAY
I know my way around computers. But that's like saying I know my way around Sherbrooke, Quebec, even though I've never lived or worked there, and I don't know any of the back roads or where to find decent Senegalese food and robot parts (don't ask).
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Ten random things I've learned -- If you weren't cool in high school, you will never be cool(670)
Posted 07.06.09
ROSS MURRAY
1. I've learned to make a ponytail. Braids, however, are out of my league.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

My Canada includes ample storage(670)
Posted 06.28.09
ROSSMURRAY
Invariably at this time of year I think about what it means to be Canadian, just like around Labour Day, I think about pie... not sure why that is, actually.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Grads, your future's just a flush away (660)
Posted 06.19.09
ROSS MURRAY
Right now, as you sit there in your cap and gown, pretending to listen but actually playing the opening credits of "The A Team" over and over in your head, the probability of cleaning a toilet seems remote and revolting (coincidentally, also adjectives you'll someday use to describe your future spouse).
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

The sleepover rules (690)
Posted 06.12.09
ROSS MURRAY
Please find below the household guidelines regarding sleepovers. These guidelines establish a protocol for non-resident children and their parents in order to make the sleepover experience as enjoyable as possible and to avoid unnecessary tantrums, crying jags and medical intervention.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Passports? We don't need no stinkin' passports! (640)
Posted 06.06.09
ROSS MURRAY
On June 1, U.S. Customs required all Canadians entering the United States to require a passport or special driver's license. Now don't you just wish Canada had something up its sleeve too...?
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Who knows how the flu flows? (640)
Posted 05.20.09
ROSS MURRAY
Get ready for the feline flu. It makes sense. You can't get much closer animal-human contact than waking up with a cat on your face. Plus, they're always coughing up something. And, let's be honest, they secretly hate us.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

When you're almost eight, your train of thought is an express (720)
Posted 05.20.09
ROSS MURRAY
In May 2007, I transcribed a conversation I had with Abby, who was just about to turn six. Two years later, the conversation continues. The scene: The kitchen, Sunday noon. Abby is having lunch before heading off to a play date. I'm washing dishes. Everyone else is out.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

The mouldin' age of television (670)
Posted 05.12.09
ROSS MURRAY
Westerns were big back then. One of my favourites was "Horsebit," which centred around the town of Gulchwood Hollow, a stagecoach stop on the Amarillo-Ptomaine Line. The hero was Deputy Dex Hoolihan, a widower with three lively daughters who were always getting into trouble (usually with traveling salesmen).
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Ironically, there is no synonym for "crossword" (760)
Posted 05.05.09
ROSS MURRAY

Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Hey, I know it goes vroom (670)
Posted 04.27.09
ROSS MURRAY
I love holes. When I worked at the local newspaper, fewer things gave me more pleasure than killing time at the edge of a trench cut deep into the pavement as town workers struggled to patch a problem. There's a certain fascination about what lies beneath, especially when, with one wrong swing of a shovel, some kind of utility line could be pierced and God knows what kind of gushage might occur.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Cutting a rose or making bad smells (615)
Posted 04.19.09
ROSS MURRAY
When you're traveling with kids and a dog for an extended period, as we were recently, and it's too cold to roll down the windows, you can expect the air to get a little, well, ripe. Pungent. In a word, farty.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Serious injuries at April Fool's Day festivities (635)
Posted 04.06.09
ROSS MURRAY
MONTREAL (Rooters) | Hundreds were injured and scores more were considerably put out recently during one of the most violent and discombobulating April Fool's Days in recent memory. While no deaths were reported, there were countless incidents of people in stitches, and even more cases of split sides.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Science Fair: Home Edition
Posted 03.31.09
ROSS MURRAY
Hypothesis: Lying will set your pants on fire. This is due to the chemical effects of stress, friction, volatile untruth, and vicious taunting.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

The rots of spring
Posted 03.24.09
ROSS MURRAY
Spring. Say it with me: it's spring, yes it is.
The sun's beating down, giving winter the biz.
On lawns are the remnants of past snowstorms' snow forts,
Which people pass by wearing premature sport shorts.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Something is wrong with the economy. Seriously.
Posted 03.16.09
ROSS MURRAY
I went shopping Sunday. Part of me expected a ghost town -- empty storefronts, tumbleweeds, salespeople skeletons slumped over Subarus, the walking dead at Wal-Mart. After all, we're living in austere times. We should be shopping only for necessities, like food, clothing, Sleeman's Silver Creek.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Stock Losers 2009
Posted 02.27.09
ROSS MURRAY
You may recall that during the Dirty Thirties, when the population was out of work, and prospects looked bleak, and global conflict appeared imminent, people turned to Hollywood musicals for relief: Anything Goes, The Gay DivorcŽ, Gold Diggers of 1935...
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

The Academy Awards, brought to you by Milk-Bones
Posted 02.20.09
ROSS MURRAY
Two years ago, my daughter Abby took over this column in order to predict the major Oscar winners. It was a bit of a washout, not least because her pick for Best Picture was Barbie in the Twelve Dancing Princesses.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Musical questions answered: love edition
Posted 02.15.09
ROSS MURRAY
Over the years, various legislations have been introduced to discourage fools from falling in love. Britain's Moron Matrimony Act of 1873, for example, imposed a five-year waiting period on fools seeking marriage licenses, the idea being that in the interim the fools would become distracted by other matters, such as mumbling to themselves, walking around in oversized shoes, and entering politics.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

The joys of Canadian winter sliding or, Remembering my Frozennutterizer
Posted 02.10.09
ROSS MURRAY
I'm old enough to remember the transition from the traditional wooden toboggan to the ultimate sliding innovation: the Krazy Karpet. Whoever invented the Krazy Karpet was a mad genius.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Look at the head on that one!
Posted 02.02.09
ROSS MURRAY
"I spent the weekend fathoming the underlying constructs of Kierkegaard's theories on the subjectivity of faith and truth and inadvertently discovered who put the bomp in the bomp-shu-bomp-shu-bomp."
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Running with empties, or 100 bottles of beer in the van
Posted 01.27.09
ROSS MURRAY
Now, here's a parental rite of passage I never thought I'd experience: carting my teenage daughter's empties back to the grocery store. And not just a case or two but a full shopping cart. "They're not even mine," she said as we loaded up the van outside her apartment. "My friends brought them over."
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Puck in the head? That explains a lot.
Posted 01.16.09
ROSS MURRAY
The thing is, when you're looking through the lens of a camera, especially a zoom lens, distance is distorted. By the time my brain registered "Hey, what's that object heading towards my camera," it was already inches away. Sadly, I didn't press the shutter at that moment, which would have made a pretty cool picture.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Family game night: the rules
Posted 01.09.09
ROSS MURRAY
The object is to play a board game together as a family without losing one's temper or sanity. There are two ways to set up the game. The first is to remove all the pieces from the box and begin play immediately based on an approximate knowledge of the rules. The second way is to delay play while a player insists on reading the rules for everyone to hear.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Santa's bad night before Christmas
Posted 12.24.08
ROSS MURRAY
The snow that had fallen from noon until now
Was piled on my Oldsmobile, thanks to the plow.
When, what to my wondering eyes did appear,
But Santa Claus casually swilling a beer.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Christmas is coming: remain calm
Posted 12.19.08
ROSS MURRAY
As you read this, Christmas is a week away. In other words: "AAAAAGH!!!"
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Beeramax Pictures presents...
Posted 12.12.08
ROSS MURRAY
I read last week that certain Cineplex Theatres will start selling beer and wine during screenings. Traditionally, the home-video industry has tried to emulate the thrills of the theatre experience -- wide-screen TVs, stereo sound, high-test lubricant on popcorn. Now it seems theatres are trying to copy the swills of the home-viewing experience. Admit it: who doesn't enjoy a glass of wine or a beer with their DVD (or, in the case of a Steven Segal feature, a six pack or two)?
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Look to the skies, for heaven's sake!(650)
Posted 12.07.08
ROSS MURRAY
You know what's more exciting than geometry? Space geometry! It really is, especially if you say it out loud in a deep, sonorous voice: "SPACE GEOMETRY!" Go ahead, try it. I'll wait...fun, eh?

Does the English Community in Quebec exist: an inquiry(680)
Posted 12.01.08
ROSS MURRAY
The English Community Search Party first met on October 16 to facilitate an action plan that would foment a thorough understanding of the Eastern Townships English community -- who were they, what were they and, most important, where were they? And if the English community did in fact exist, would they be able to explain to us what "foment" means?

Oh my darling, oh my darling...(640)
Posted 11.21.08
ROSS MURRAY
STANSTEAD, QC | I do believe in the Citrus Fairy. I do! I do! Wait. Let me start that again, from the beginning: I pack my youngest daughter's lunch every morning. At the end of the school day, I check the lunchbox to see what's been eaten, what's salvageable, and what's unrecognizable. About two weeks ago, a clementine appeared in Abby's lunchbox. The only thing is, I didn't put it there.

In Quebec, I do declare!(640)
Posted 11.09.08
ROSS MURRAY
STANSTEAD, QC | In keeping with the Quebec government's new policy requiring immigrants to sign a mandatory declaration stating they will commit to learning French and respecting the province's common values, we, the people of Quebec, hereby request that political candidates sign the following mandatory declaration...

What's in a name? Four years of fun!(690)
Posted 11.09.08
ROSS MURRAY
STANSTEAD, QC | I am misty-eyed with pride and admiration for our American neighbours. Many thought we'd never see this day, the day when the United States would show true resolve for change, the day when they would resurrect the frontier spirit. The day when they would elect a president with a funny sounding name.

For Halloween: A pair of putrid parables(710)
Posted 10.31.08
ROSS MURRAY
STANSTEAD, QC | A mild tremor rumbled beneath the Funky Dreadlock Centre for Childhood Exploration. It wasn't strong enough to disturb the children's self-discovery on the possibilities of what 3 plus 4 might add up to. But it was strong enough to awaken something. Something evil.

The truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Sometimes.(680)
Posted 10.24.08
ROSS MURRAY
STANSTEAD, QC | I don't think Abby's ever met a waitress she hasn't liked. But then, they bring her fries, so what's not to like?

Gnawty puppy onboard(720)
Posted 10.19.08
ROSS MURRAY
STANSTEAD, QC | My plan to infiltrate the Family has been as brilliant and precise as anticipated. My only concern is the Man. He arrived home to discover that the Family had taken me into their possession. Appears distant, standoffish, vaguely hostile.

Can somebody say grace?(470)
STANSTEAD, QC | Let us pray: Thanks for the turkey, thanks for the mussels,
Thanks for the sprouts that came from Brussels,
Thanks for the peas, the corn, the spuds,
Thanks for the beer, both Coors and Buds.

'That' old house(640)
STANSTEAD, QC | Then there was the matter of what colour to choose. We kept talking about taupe. The problem is no one really knows what taupe is. It's actually just a word people throw out to make it seem like they know something about colour.

Still putting the "work" in "homework"(690)
STANSTEAD, QC | Put the laptop away, it's time for homework. No, I doubt very much that your homework involves playing N-Game. Sighing doesn't help, you know. Neither does rolling your eyes.

Eat, drink, have hot dog(710)
STANSTEAD, QC | Take, for example, ads currently running in the US by a group called the Cancer Project. Over images of kids eating hot dogs and other processed meats, you hear a young boy say, "I was dumbfounded when the doctor told me I had late-stage colon cancer." The boy, of course, is an actor, and the shock ad is based on a study indicating that if you eat fifty grams of processed meat a day for several years, your chances of getting colorectal cancer increase by twenty-one percent. That's equal to a hot dog a day every day for something like nineteen years.

Canada vs. US: Let's put it to a vote(640)
STANSTEAD, QC | Election fever. Can you feel it? It's like most fevers: accompanied by nausea, disorientation, and an overwhelming sense of doom. As happens from time to time, Canada and the United States have election campaigns going on at the same time. So, grab your mug of hot tea and a couple of Advils and let's compare the two, shall we?

Blame Homeland Security (690)
STANSTEAD, QC | When you think about it, it's a bit unusual to encounter more than one armed individual when you're going camping. Normally, we'd expect one: the border guard on our way to Brighton State Park in Island Pond, Vermont. You never know how that encounter's going to go. You could face the dour, rubber-glove-at-the-ready Customs officer or it could be the chatty officer whose easygoing ways lull you into letting it slip about smuggling all that citrus fruit.

In Canada: The Harper-Dion E-mails(700)
STANSTEAD, QC | Prime Minister Stephen Harper has purportedly been trying to meet with Liberal leader Stéphane Dion to discuss whether the latter will continue to support the minority government. To date, Dion has declined. Here, for the first time, is a transcript of their e-mailed correspondence:

My fair memories(700)
STANSTEAD, QC | I still remember my first Ayer's Cliff Fair. It was the height of the Great Depression, 1934, and I was a mere lad of nine...I ate my first deep-fried parsnip that day, saw my first bric-a-brac. Or maybe it was a gewgaw. It's all a blur. All I know is that I went home that night with a head full of memories and a shoe full of cow drool.

And it wasn't that good(600)
STANSTEAD, QC | Many clichés about Canada are a bit of a stretch. Take the one about a Canadian being someone who can make love in a canoe. Don't think so. More like someone who can make lunch in a canoe.

Are you in the zone?(690)
STANSTEAD, QC | The comfort zone is a natural state -- like Idaho. Look around you. Look at the trees. Trees are trees. You don't see trees deciding to play the violin, right? They stay in their comfort zone. You know what happens to animals that step outside their comfort zone? They get eaten.

The gravity of the situation(725)
STANSTEAD, QC | The air at 4000 metres apparently tastes like the ocean. Or at least it does when you're hurtling through it at 200 km/h and you've got your mouth open, even though the instructor advised you to keep it closed.

Wanna see something really scary?(700)
STANSTEAD, QC | Are you as excited as I am? A slasher flick shooting right here in the Eastern Townships of Quebec. And it's called Bikini Girls on Ice. With a title like that, who wouldn't be excited? I mean, who doesn't like ice?

There was burnin', burnin', to satisfy my yearnin'...(740)
STANSTEAD, QC | Among our many modern quirks is our longing for vast backyards that we never actually set foot on. We build decks off our homes overlooking the grass, or we tear up a chunk of lawn and build small platforms to put our chairs on. We like to be with nature, just not touch it. One thing you can't do on your deck (or at very least it's ill-advised) is have a campfire. For a campfire, you need to venture onto the lawn. It's a case where our aversion to cooties is overwhelmed by our desire to burn stuff.

New digs, old folks, and stitches(640)
STANSTEAD, QC | When my eldest daughter signed her apartment lease this past spring, the idea of her actually moving out was still an abstract concept. After all, she wasn't yet 17, and 16 years old just seemed too young to hold a lease. You shouldn't be allowed to sign a legal document if you have angst.

Dig that weed -- if you can(640)
STANSTEAD, QC | A common curse from 16th century Spain went as follows: "May your salads be nothing but goutweed and be served by a loose woman of Toledo with hairy arms and the breath of anchovies." Naturally, it sounds better in the original Spanish.

You want cheap beer, buy in Quebec(700)
STANSTEAD, QC | Labatt is clearly still making a profit in Quebec, otherwise why would they bother? It's not like "cheap beer" is in the Quebec Charter of Rights and Freedoms (though the right to buy it in grocery stores is). Labatt must therefore be making a huge profit in Ontario.

Copy that. Not.(670)
STANSTEAD, QC | I agree and accept that the Canadian government should willfully interfere with its citizens' consumer purchases in its unabashed efforts to pander to the American entertainment mega-industry. I am ready and willing to accept whatever invasion of privacy or fines come my way."

Cyclist in training(690)
STANSTEAD, QC | The bicycle is life's first major leap of faith. Walking doesn't count because you're too young to think "Holy smokes! I'm going to fall on my adorable face!" But to believe that you can actually balance and move forward on two wheels, that's something. Even though you see others doing it, a tiny logical part of your five-year-old self says, "Come on, it's gotta be some kind of trick."

Your 2008 Summer Vacation(690)
STANSTEAD, QC | With the cost of gasoline almost as expensive as a baby on eBay, the smart vacationer should consider sticking close to home this summer. Thankfully, Quebec's Eastern Townships are chock-a-block full of festivals and fairs to make your summer truly summer-ific!

I'd put my foot down but I might squash a cat(690)
STANSTEAD, QC | As I enjoyed those bark-free, pawprint-less, non-poop-pickup days, I did my best to persuade my family that getting another dog at this time wouldn't be the best idea. My argument went something like this: "Please, God, no!"

Spring ferns are to eat, eh?(680)
STANSTEAD, QC | "Health Canada warns that fiddleheads may contain toxins and are all-around nasty little vegetables that you'd be a fool to ingest. They've been known to cause gastroenteritis, bleeding of the gums, sterility in mice, and the bitter collapse of your most cherished dreams."

Barbeque Choices(680)
STANSTEAD, QC | Once again, I find myself in the market for a new barbecue. And what a market. So many grills, so much shiny metal. If you're a barbecue lover, it's like being a kid in a candy store, except instead of candy there's charred animal parts.

Rugby explained(750)
STANSTEAD, QC | Rugby is an unfamiliar game to many North Americans. That's because it was invented in 732 A.D. by the Picts who were wiped out as result of major head trauma before they could chisel the rules into the side of a cliff.

You don't know Doodly, eh?(700)
STANSTEAD, QC | YAAAAAH! Can you feel it? Can you smell it? That's the smell of victory! And burning rubber! I am so excited that my team is so close to ultimate triumph. This week's series win puts us that much closer. And now we've got the momentum. The Doodly Cup is within our grasp!

Protect our Caninternet(710)
Congratulations on blocking the sale of one of Canada's aerospace companies to a US firm. No really, I mean it. I know we've had our differences in the past (admittedly, I went too far with my musical, Stephen Harper Hates Everyone, Even His Mother, and Has Stubby Fingers to Boot). But putting Canada's sovereignty ahead of global market pressures was fantastic, positively protectionist. Why, it was almost liberal of you!

The silence of my lamb(730)
As a barometer of inner peace and contentment, it probably doesn't bode well that I've become a sigher. Sighing has become my preferred reaction to the world as it unfolds around me. Or at me.

The silence of my lamb(700)
One of the perks of having athletic children is that other parents automatically assume that I'm at least partly responsible. If the subject comes up, I'll usually say something like, "Yup, taught them everything they know." In my head, I'm saying it sarcastically. Just because it sounds to the listener like I'm serious, well, that's their problem, not mine.

April Fool's Day or Poisson d'Avril Đ your choice but it's happening today, eh?(540)
I'm very much a traditionalist when it comes to holidays. I like turkey at Christmas, alcohol poisoning on St. Patrick's Day, and vague political tension on Canada Day. That being said, I completely support the Bush administration's decision to hold April Fool's Day on March 28 this year in an effort to save the floundering economy and foundering flounders.

More sex please. We're Quebeckers, non?(660)
I read this week about your plan to boost Quebec's population by encouraging Quebecers to have more babies, getting ex-Quebecers to return to the province, and immigrants... well, immigrants not so much. With all due respect, I wonder if you've fully thought this plan through.

Would you like a growth fund? Yeth, I would.(660)
If you're like me (and if so, there's hope by calling 1-800-YU-LOSER), you probably just loaded up on RRSPs to gain some relief on your income tax. And it's also quite possible your RRSPs were in the form of mutual funds, also known as Investing for Dummies.

Aping PM Harper, Canada's MPs will sue you, dude(690)
Prime Minister Stephen Harper's threatened lawsuit against top Liberals appears to have inspired other parliamentary lawsuits, with MPs suing MPs, ordinary citizens, celebrities, and, in one instance, a Pomeranian named Theo.

The in-and-out year(580)
March comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb. Science is at a loss to explain this phenomenon, given that the two animals are from entirely different species (lion being of the species Panthera leo and lamb being of the species Ovis cuddlius). The transformation from vicious predator to infant ruminant in the space of thirty-one days defies evolutionary logic, not to mention chronology. Promoters of intelligent design point to this swift mammalian shift as evidence of God and/or Steven Spielberg.

And the Oscar for worst jokes goes to...(750)
With the US writers' strike over, this weekend's Academy Awards broadcast will go ahead. Another domestic crisis averted. Unfortunately, this mean's I'm out of a gig. I'd volunteered to scab for the event as head writer and (the deal-clincher) as host. Now the world will never know the full splendour of my show. I can only give you a brief glimpse of what might have been...
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Did someone say, "I love you"?(790)
Last weekend, I saw a clothing store display that read, "Say 'I Love You' A Thousand Ways..." Let's see: socks, underwear, shirts, sweaters... There's no way that can make it to a thousand, unless you start breaking it down by fabric and colour. Unless, of course, they weren't speaking in commercial terms but generally a thousand ways to say "I love you." Still a stretch, but I think I can come up with fifty:
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Go, girl! (No, seriously, it's your turn.)(760)
For instance, when you sit on the floor with your six-year-old to play a board game called Dream Star, as I did last Sunday, there's no way to avoid, at least temporarily, taking the girly role. Because Dream Star is a girly, girly game.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

A letter from His Worshipfulness, the Mayor(760)
First of all, I would like to wish everyone a Happy 2008. I realize my wishes come a month late but we had to delay printing this Newsletter because it has taken since the Christmas party to untangle the thong from the photocopier. Incidentally, for those of you who've asked, our Receptionist Mrs. Churnhelm should be out of traction soon.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Tragedy tomorrow, squirmedy tonight(700)
This column is satellite 6! Yeah, that's right, "satellite 6." It means outstanding, out of this world, way out, even wayer out than satellite 5. Use this expression often. Impress your friends. Or possibly confuse them. Either way, they'll be overwhelmed by how unbearably hip you are. Or possibly just how unbearable.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

McJungle Book: The Legend of McBoy(700)
No one knows for sure where the McBoy came from, this feral child under the golden arches. Some say he was abandoned by a couple who met at McDonald's, dated there and, uncomfortably for them and those in line, conceived a child at a Drive-Thru while waiting for their Filet-O-Fish. Some say he was even born there. The delivery, not surprisingly, was fast.

Reliving Quebec's "Ice" Storm of 1998 (700)
A part of me feels we missed out on a great adventure, something we could tell our grandkids and radio phone-in shows. But then I remember that people suffered terribly, died even. I then feel blessed. And a bit of a jerk.

If you want them to like The Beatles, let it be (700)
You can't, you see, just force your music on your kids, no matter how clearly superior it is to their tripe. I was, reminded this not long ago when the family went bowling and my son put two dollars worth of quarters into the jukebox and selected all Nickelback songs. Yes, I know they're Canadian, hooray, but blech. I mean, clear your throat, for God's sake.

The year from the rear (690)
Well, hey there, thanks for sticking with me through 2007. Gosh, where did those 365 days go? No, seriously, where did they go? What happens to time once it's in the past? Does it continue to exist? But, heck, such questions are too profound for the end of December. Instead, it's a time of reflection, a chance to review the year that was.

Shooting blanks from the Christmas canon (695)
Everybody loves the Christmas classics: "Hark the Herald," "White Christmas," "Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer." But surely there are other songs that radio stations can play seven times a day.

Got game? "Dribbling" is not the same as "drooling" (695)
There's a reason why I've never signed my kids up for hockey. Besides receiving regular thumpings by hockey players as a child, that is. The reason is the 8 a.m. game. But last weekend I found myself shotgunning coffee before racing across the border to Newport, Vermont, for an 8 o'clock basketball game. Fortunately, this was a game involving 6- and 7-year-olds, so at least the day started with a laugh.

I'm Ross Murray and I approve this immigration column (730)
An open letter to would-be illegal U.S. immigrants (and smugglers thereof)
First of all, thank you for choosing Stanstead, Quebec, for all your border-hopping needs. Specifically, thank you (most of you, anyway) for choosing the woods around Stanstead to smuggle yourselves and/or your paying customers into the United States. This is as opposed to simply walking across one of the unguarded streets that connect Stanstead with Vermont.

All you need to know about digital photography, and then some (700)
After months of research and some unseemly groveling, my employers recently gave me the go-ahead to purchase a new digital camera. It's a great asset for our department. The fact that I sometimes refer to it as "my camera" or occasionally as "my precious..." is purely accidental and without any significance whatsoever.

Malcolm Stone: What a character (750)
STANSTEAD EAST, QC | It was Malcolm who introduced me to Calvin Trillin, Roy Blount Jr., Bob Dorough, "Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me" and sour tomatoes. He taught me that "pipik" is Yiddish for "belly button" and that there are cheap laughs to be had in teaching kids to say, "Do you want to see my pipik?" He showed me that you could get by in life without functioning plumbing. Mostly, though, Malcolm showed me that small-town journalism could soar if you cared about clarity, that obsessing over hyphens paid off, that irreverence could be a powerful weapon, and that if you use the word "challenge" (as in, "the mayor said there were many challenges ahead for council") you deserve to be mercilessly mocked. Lewd gestures might be involved.

O Canada! Canadians need to be, you know, more American, eh? (740)
Can you feel it? Can you feel the pride? Can you sense the pan-Canadian swagger as we enjoy our new status as an economic powerhouse? Can't you just feel all those years of doubt and insecurity melting away?

Don't mess with debaters (750)
Some people have the Gift of the Gab, I have the Unwanted Fruitcake of Awkward Conversation. You have a Silver Tongue. I have Tinfoil Tonsils.

(680)
Scuttling in the dark playing laser tag this past weekend, two things occurred to me: One, that shooting at people surely violates my stand on guns and violence; and two, when the zombie uprising occurs, I won't be of much help.

Halloween Tale-O-Rama (730)
Come, my unwashed little ones, gather your dank selves round me and I shall share a haunting tale of spectral beings and boogety-boogeties. I said come round, my little germ farms. Come here, I said! Don't make me hobble over there!

Are you there, Al? It's me, Ross. (720)
First of all, congratulations on your Nobel Peace Prize. I hope this prestigious honour won't distract you from your crusade against global warming. In fact, I have a great title for your next book/movie: How about Is It Hot in Here or Is It Just Me?

Driving lesson #1: Get a grip (670)
We've pretty much all agreed that I won't teach the kids how to drive. There would be too much yelling, too great a risk of stroke. It would end in tears, probably mine.

School advice for my youngest daughter (540)
Your teacher doesn't actually live at school. There may come a point when you will be out somewhere, maybe a mall, and you'll see your teacher out among the general population like a Real Person. This will come to you as a bit of a shock. But it's true.

Will they be happy watching wattles? (720)
I actually had no clue what I planned to do with my life, short of go to university for the next three to four years, possibly longer depending on the meal plan. Nor was university part of a long-term goal. I simply wanted to study literature for literature's sake. And meet girls.

A tale to sink your teeth into (680)
Thank you for calling FairyDent, the automated tooth-retrieval service, linking harried parents and airy fairies since 2003.

What we have here is a failure to communi-cat (680)
Here's what I actually said when a four-month-old kitten showed up on our doorstep late one evening last week, followed by what my family apparently heard me say:

Don't panic over pickles (690)
Every jar of pickles is a leap of faith. The number of pickle-related deaths is in fact quite low. Or at least I assume it is; Statistics Canada doesn't offer any figures (although I did find a YouTube video entitled "Girl is scared to death of pickles"

Hats off to ball cap wearers. No, seriously. (690)
I know (especially you boys) you think your ball cap is cool and the source of all your power, kind of like that cheesy mustache you're attempting to grow. But you're wrong.

Handprints on the walls of time (700)
Handprints. There were handprints everywhere - marks left by grubby fingers on walls, cupboards, and doorframes. Saturday morning, I found myself wandering the house with a sponge, scrubbing away the grime.

Did I mention my old-man legs? (710)
The first time I broke a tooth was when I was about seventeen. Some friends and I had managed to get some beer and had taken it to the woods.

Egg on our collective face, eh? (640)
PODGORICA, MONTENEGRO | With the success of last weekend's Live Earth, several other global concerts-for-a-cause are in the works. The first to emerge is Live Egg, scheduled to take place in Europe and North America October 12, World Egg Day.

Recycling do's, don'ts. and dunnos (685)
I read last week that my town will soon provide me with a bigger, better, and -- who knows -- maybe even bluer recycling bin, the kind on wheels you roll out to the curb.

The Hollywood History of Canada (670)
It is 1839. Rebel forces in Upper and Lower Canada have been crushed under the iron fist of the British Empire. Vowing revenge and seeking access to cheap health care, the rebels under plucky leader Louis-Joseph Papineau kidnap Governor General Lord Durham.

Well, at least it's not a tat (700)
Last Father's Day, I signed away my daughter's nose. She's almost sixteen, which is old enough to get her licence but not old enough to get her nose pierced without parental permission.

I'm still trying to get my passport, eh? (700)
However, I suggest you tone down the rhetoric when you call border guards "power-tripping line jockeys." This is a surefire way to ensure that you won't need a passport to enter the United States - you won't be allowed in at all. After all, they may be watching…

The sequel to end all sequels ('though not likely) (730)
This week, I went to see the summer's most humongous blockbuster extravasequel of them all: SpiderShrek of the Caribbean Ocean 13. It was so sequelicious that I have to share it with you.

Suffers in the translation, or: The French have a word for it, but I just don't know it (600)
You may be the brightest, coolest, LOLing-est person in your own language but placed in another language setting you risk coming across as boring or a moron or a boring moron.

Musings from a budding evolutionary (700)
As the writer Bill Bryson points out, our planet and life on it have changed drastically several times. Often these changes resulted from some sort of global cataclysmic event, and I'm not just talking about the release of another Die Hard movie.

Frickin' awsome! (700)
"Can you get me a stick? Thank you. When I stir the water it's a potion that turns you into a monster or maybe if you have too much you die. Want a sip?"

Scent of a Tory Canuck (670)
What are the Liberals trying to 'cover up,' I ask you. Is there some kind of 'stink' they've been trying to hide all these years? Well, let me tell you, the Conservatives are different. When you smell John Baird, you're smelling only John Baird!"

Never been poked (700)
What these Internet technologies have in common is they are all about shameless self-promotion. They are a way to say to the world, "Hey, look at me, I'm here! And I've had my body provocatively pierced!"

The bomb at the bottom of the street (715)
I sauntered back down some time later, just in time to see the bomb squad robot emerge from the truck. Very cool! We practically cheered. It was a big crowd now, including television crews and reporters.

Let me make one thing perfectly clear: I am not a cook (660)
"What's for supper?" That's a good question, Emily, and thank you for asking it. I'd just like to say that this is a very complex and sensitive situation. I can assure you that the Household is looking at this question with the utmost attention in order to come up with a solution in a timely manner.

Save 'our' field (690)
The lot has been for sale for as long as we've been in this house, about thirteen years. Up until a few weeks ago, its availability was advertised only by a hand-painted sign with a phone number and the advisory "S'NO DUMPING." I was always comforted by the non-threatening ambiguity of that sign. It might have well read, "For sale, or not. No biggie."

Why drinking 'milk' that smells like feet is a good thing (715)
A couple of weeks ago we had a particularly bad morning. I put my foot down and said she wasn't going to school until her glass was empty. There were tears. And not just Abby's.

The facts you need on April Fool's Day (640)
April Fool's Day is believed to have originated in Rome in 56 AD when Emperor Vivesectus marked the twelfth birthday of his son Egregious, whom he was not particularly fond of.

In praise of snow (675)
I can still picture our ultimate snow fort: it had actual ice chairs and tables, you could stand up in it, and, if memory serves, there may actually have been a rec room with a pool table and bar.

Spring forward, fall back, grump, grump, grump (550)
This is three weeks earlier than normal. Why? Something to do with saving energy, extending daylight hours during the workday, blah blah blah. I really think it's just the U.S. asserting itself, like a parent imposing an arbitrary rule simply "because I said so."

How peanut butter is destroying the planet (640)
If we're going to save the planet, it may be up to my generation. The older generation is too set in its ways and the younger generation is too "like, no way!"

Following driving directions: It's a man thing (730)
The stereotype goes that a man will do anything rather than ask for directions. But what if he doesn't know where he's supposed to be in the first place?

The Oscar for Best Use of Cute Ponies goes to… (655)
I'm feeling somewhat reticular (don't ask) this week so I'm going to turn things over to Abby, five-and-a-half, to offer her predictions on who will bring home the Oscars at this Sunday's Academy Awards.

Mister Positive (640)
It's come to my attention that I've seemed overly crusty in my writing lately. I guess that column on corporal punishment for wayward kittens was going too far.

On Valentine's Day, "Eat my shorts" takes on a whole new meaning (690)
Last weekend in Montreal, I saw two Valentine conventions in one: candy underwear. You had your choice of bra, g-string, garter, those weird suspender things, and something for men that I don't know what you'd call and I'd rather not think about.

The boob tube police (640)
Whatever the wording, the basic concept has remained virtually unchanged for close to 30 years, even though in 1977, video players were the size and weight of car radiators. Little monkeys lived inside the machines to rewind the tapes.

How to avoid the flu (570)
The flu was invented in Spain in 1918, and the craze soon swept the globe. Later, many Asian countries adapted the flu, making it cheaper and more compact. Bird Flu is named after former NBA great Larry Bird, who suffered from the disease, resulting in him being kinda dorky looking.

I, iPodder (650)
Don't clean toilets wearing your iPod.

Quest for fries (660)
We drove the fifteen minutes or so to one of the more popular eateries in the area. It wasn't our preferred choice but it had French fries, and that was a major consideration in our choice.

Happy New (and improved!) Year (640)
From the creators of 2006, New Coke, and the remake of that movie that wasn't much good in the first place comes the most spectacular year yet: the new and improved 2007!

Yet another end-of-the year list (480)
It's a new year, which means that columnists across the land have officially used up their year's supply of ideas. Thus - tada! - the end-of-year best/worst column. Why, it almost writes itself...

Christmas wrapped up tight (660)
Someone - and it may have been someone in my own family - has given my mother a role of duct tape. This is like giving heroin to someone who obviously shouldn't have heroin.

General office party rule: no photocopying (650)
The office Christmas party is rife with tradition: the goodwill between co-workers, the exchanging of suet-based gifts, skinny-dipping in the eggnog, the yuletide unicycles. Oh wait, those are traditions only here at Murray Corp.

Is there enough guilt in your diet? (640)
Last night I ate some Cheese Nips. These were American-brand Cheese Nips, which means they were extra cheesier than the Canadian version. If there's one thing the US has excelled at more than any other it's cheese-flavour augmentation.

About That Quebec 'Nation' Thing (640)
Asked what this new status will mean for Quebec, Duceppe replied, "Status as a nation will allow us to enjoy such nation-like elements as, oh, I don't know, a flag, borders with our neighbours, a separate tax system. And don't forget holidays. We can have our own national holidays. I know, it's incredible, right?"

Buy "my" book (650)
Technically, it's not "my" book but I'm in it. Ever so briefly, 150 words to be exact. But it's a real book with a real publisher and I'm being paid real money. Not yet, but I will be. I think.

Isn't "Henkel Trocken" German for "Mountain Dew"? (610)
Does champagne have an expiration date? Not real champagne but "champagne" in quotation marks, sparkling wine, the stuff of wedding receptions and New Year's Eve debaucheries. Sweet stuff with bubbles.

No hugs for you, or you either (640)
I'm not a naturally hugging person, nor am I huggable - all bones and pointy bits. I'm a true-blue white Anglo-Saxon Protestant. I come from Scottish stock that was opposed to premarital sex because it might lead to dancing.

This column may be recorded to ensure quality service (695)
"Mr. Murray, I'm calling this evening on behalf of Belle to offer you some very interesting new services which I'm sure may interest you. You are already a Belle customer, Mr. Murray?"

A horrible Halloween tale, eh? (715)
And now they stood in the vast hallway of the mansion, famous for its jagged spires and columns, the gnarled bone-like fortifications and the brackish moat that gurgled ominously around it, all of which led the observer to ask, "What the heck is the zoning around here?"

Some ado about a canoe (690)
There's a canoe on the front lawn. It's supposed to be by the side of the road to be picked up either by the garbage truck or people cruising the streets for junk, whichever comes first.

Keeping my cool, nearly (710)
The last thing I want to do is to embarrass my children. Okay, maybe it's not the last thing. I mean, if I had to choose between something terrible like having Céline Dion as a houseguest or embarrassing my children, I'm sorry, but the kids would have to suck it up.

A Thanksgiving, Turkey (720)
Excuse me, please, everyone, can I have your attention? Cousin Shane, could you stop dangling the baby over the gravy boat for a minute? I'd like to say a few words before we tuck into this delicious Thanksgiving meal.

The nun inside us (570)
When I was growing up in Nova Scotia, Antigonish was knee-deep in nuns. But she was the only nun in my school, though she didn't really act like one. She was just a touch too sarcastic to be holy.

Nothing scary in the dark except grumpy dad (670)
At some point, somehow, Abby became afraid of the dark. She's five years old and can't go to sleep in her room alone.

It's a doctor-patient thing, eh? (640)
Here's something maybe you didn't know: a referral for blood work is no longer good after more than two years. Why this should be I'm not sure. If the doctor wanted to check your serotoblerone levels when he saw you nearly three years ago, he's probably still going to want to see them now, if not more so.

Mister Fixit rides again (625)
I borrowed my neighbour's pipe wrench. My other neighbour saw me returning with it and started to laugh - she's heard the stories.

Fun time is over, kids -- back to school (700)
Another school year has begun. Where has the summer gone? And while I'm at it, where has the DVD remote gone?

What I learned in PEI (725)
Skunks are cockier than raccoons. Our campsites were invaded by one, then the other in the middle of the night. I tried to scare away the skunk by throwing small objects near it (but not at it - you don't want to hit the trigger).

Future borders of my youth (670)
Back when I was a young man, people would cross the border from what was once called "Canada" to the United States, sometimes every day, for work, food, and what we used to call "gasoline." That was before Emperor Rove's armies invaded to contain the "socialist disease" and changed Canada's status from "country" to "Wal-Mart Supply Outlet 4312."

Stupid helmet! (680)
She'll want to ride her bike somewhere and will be fighting us on wearing her helmet. She hates helmets. It's gotten to the point where she refuses to ride her bike rather than put one on. And now she'll have ammo...

Bugs Redux (this time in my head) (665)
How do I know I have tinnitus and not just, say, waxy buildup? Because I've been diagnosed. By Google.

Bugs: This time it's personal (660)
If bugs were truckers, the potato plant would be the equivalent of a brightly flashing neon sign at the end of a long day on the road that reads "Gas! Lodging! Defoliate!" Throw in some nude dancing aphids and what orange-blooded parasite could resist?

Taking a legal break, eh? (635)
Since last week, this column has been on Construction Holiday. Oh, it's still running, but it has to comply with Quebec's stringent Construction Holiday Regulations under the Régie de la Solidarité des Whoopees du Québec (Chapter 4, Section D2: "Pundits, Crackpots and Pseudo-Intellectuals").

How to have fun camping and not drown (655)
You need all this stuff to keep the children entertained. Take the glo-sticks, for example. They're a good diversion for the campfire between servings of S'mores. It also helps you keep track of the kids when they wander off...

Oh, those rainy days of summer (680)
Under these rainy conditions when your house is filled with kids and guests, you need to rely on your wits and cunning to keep everyone entertained while remaining sane. Booze helps.

Get to know your Canada, eh? (605)
New Brunswick's motto is "Spem reduxit," which means, "Place to drive through as quickly as possible." New Brunswick fun fact: By law, all first-born males must be named "Phineas."

All Orford, all the time (650)
In Quebec's ongoing top story of 2006 (or quite possibly ever), opponents of the Mount Orford Park land deal say they will launch a legal challenge against the Quebec government's legislation to sell off a portion of the public land.

So, how do you like me so far? (650)
If fatherhood were a business, Father's Day would be the end of the fiscal year, the moment when you finally get that year-end bonus you've been working towards for the past twelve months, except instead of shares in the company you get ties and golf balls.

Sports hero beards and other superstitions (680)
Over the past year or so, my 10-year-old has become one of those boys who can rattle off players' names like they're buddies from school, who pledges allegiance to the team (Senators… okay, now the Oilers), and who collects hockey cards for the cards and not (like I did) just for the gum.

The yahoos aren't that funny anymore (660)
I was thinking recently that there are few moments of small-town life more satisfying than seeing one of the local tire-squealing, peace-disturbing, life-risking, high-speed yahoos pulled over by the cops.

The One-dollar Circle of Hell (650)
If you find yourself in a mall and you pass by a dollar store, you may see a man hovering near the entrance. He will be slumped, looking not just bored but utterly defeated, like someone whose soul has been pulverized by the despair of ever seeing his family emerge from the shelves of useless trinkets and tinned meats.

Trying to make census of it all (605)
As a follow-up to the 2006 Census and to improve future statistics-divulging experiences, please take the time to complete the survey below. All responses are confidential, except for Question 9, which our employees are likely to show around the office and laugh and laugh and laugh.

Guns, guns for everyone (630)
Canada Customs officers were jumping with joy (albeit without cracking a smile) recently after they learned that the federal Conservatives will honour their pledge to start providing them with guns.

Conversations with Moe and other tricks (670)
Who says you can't train a cat? Every night, around 4 a.m., our cat Moe pads upstairs or hops down from the comfy spot he's found wrapped around one of the children's head. Then he comes to my bed and meows to be let outside.

To the bold go the doughnuts (640)
My mob stood at the counter determining whether to order the McLump or the McFat when the man approached us and said, "Do you mind if I go first? I just want a coffee."

OK, but whatever happened to 'Dibs on that!' (710)
It's not entirely clear to me what is meant by "possession is nine-tenths of the law" but I'm pretty sure it has nothing to do with class-action suits against shoddy exorcisms. I think it means the fighting over who owns what.

Barbecuing ~ It's really quite simple (635)
I cooked my first steak a week before we put the clocks forward, which is like the spring training of barbecue season. I ended up barbecuing in the dark, but that was okay. I was guided by the porch light and the flames shooting out of the propane connection.

April: So Special and So Now (645)
We have a busy month ahead of us, people, and there's no shortage of events, attitudes, and objects to commemorate and/or celebrate. It's best to be prepared to ensure you have the appropriate attire and know the anthem.

Mamas, don't let your babies grow up to hate country (660)
Around these parts, this is like saying René Levesque might have been on to something, but I'll say it anyway: I don't like country music.

Park it here (670)
Imagine my apprehension when I received a registered letter last week from the Quebec government. Did I owe taxes? Had they discovered my conspiracy to shave off Philippe Couillard's beard?

Jasmine is my co-pilot (650)
She's still there. Every now and then I pull her out in the middle of a conversation and make her talk in a Senor Wences voice: "Jasmine no like your tie. Is oooogly."

To noun or to verb, that is the question (670)
As I was columning this morning, having coffeed and bagelled, I had to de-work to outside the dog.

Extreme Column Makeover: The On-line Edition (590)
Get ready for a whole new me. Starting next week, this column will undergo a fantastic, reader-pleasing makeover that will provide more style and substance and fewer saturated fats. I know you'll like me, you'll really, really like me. Oh, please like me!

The hockey column (with Reader Commentary on) (640)
The last time I saw Montreal play was 14 years ago in the old Forum. Professional hockey has come a long way since then - or at least the distractions have. There's so much happening off the ice you don't have time to notice how lousy the actual game is.

No sex please: we're English Townshippers (670)
Is sex something performed for the sole purpose of populating the Empire, the whole "Close your eyes and think of England" thing?

How this Canuck writer ties one on (660)
Five months into my new job, I no longer fret about getting dressed in the morning, mainly because standards, like the creases in my pants, have slackened.

Letter to (X) Prime Minister Paul Martin on the Day After (670)
I'm just writing to offer you my condolences and wish you the best of luck. I don't think you're a bad person, even if you are a Quebec Liberal.

Ignoramus's guide to Canada's election 2006 (665)
With the federal vote next Monday, I feel like I have to write an exam I haven't studied for, and now it's the night before and I have to pull an all-nighter, and every time I doze off I dream that I show up for the exam without a pen and in my underwear.

Vote the Canadian difference -- me (655)
Sadly, no reporters showed up at my press conference, although the way the family dog kept eyeing the snacks while I made my presentation was very reporter-like.

Paranoid along the US border (600)
The U.S. is Canada's best friend. It's always there for us, ready to tell us what to think. We listen - politely - even though we suspect we're so much better, yet we're still happy to hang out for some laughs and to keep from getting beat up.

Pass the champagne and wake up mom (580)
New Year's Eve is the Super Bowl Party of holidays. It's built around an event whose hype is greater than its actual significance, there's way too much food and drink, the outcome is usually predictable, and the jocks and cheerleaders are getting all the action.

Some holiday advice (mostly bad) (680)
This week, I answer some of your holiday-related questions. And to Mrs. Post of Cookshire, QC: No, I will not say a personal hello to your kitty.

It's barely rock 'n' roll but kids love it (690)
After three acts and two gratuitous F-words (hey, c'mon, there are kids in the house!), Simple Plan burst onstage with sirens, flashing red lights and a blinding strobe. The mother two seats over covered her eyes - probably suffering flashbacks from a 1976 Grateful Dead concert.

On preventing colds by sneezing into the inside of your elbow (660)
It's somewhat unnerving when something you've been doing all your life turns out to be incorrect, obsolete, or at very least pooh-poohed. I remember feeling this way when I learned that throwing spaghetti against the wall was not an effective test for doneness.

Where there's a Will there's a Notary (665)
There was no particular epiphany that prompted us finally to say, "Let's do it." We happened to be in a notary's office for another matter and as we were preparing to leave he asked, "By the way, do you have a will?"

Will the real jerk please hang up (700)
I was already kind of cranky when the phone rang at suppertime. I was in the mood to mess with someone. "Hello?" I answered. Then there was that tell-tale pause that occurs just before someone at a call centre says "Good evening, could I speak to Mr. Murray, please?"

I oughta be in pictures or, Movie Star moi (730)
The film opens in an East Coast town (the seedy section, the part without any Tim Hortons). We see a tenement surrounded by squalor. There might be rats, we're not sure...

There's a song in my heart -- and that's where it's staying (670)
Sometimes I wonder what would happen if I just started belting it out, the way I do in the shower or when I want to embarrass my children in the grocery store by singing along with the piped-in Phil Collins.

How I fixed the kitchen faucet and washed the kitchen floor before my wife got home from work and won! (670)
Back home, I shut the hot water off, unscrewed the tap, and removed the cartridge. The tap was in bad shape. The metal around the base had eroded and something was crumbling around the cartridge. It was either a cork washer or years of accumulated gunk - plumbing toe jam..

Two twisted tales of terribleness (730)
"What can I get ya?" the one-legged waitress asked Jim and Sue as they settled at the Midonowhere Truck Stop.

Get stickered, be happy (650)
If you have received a sticker, you have passed the morning without major incident - no tantrums, no biting, no flicking rolled up balls of dried Elmer's Glue and yelling "Boogers!"

In Canada, I would put the "excellent" into "excellency" (675)
By now, our new governor general has settled in at Rideau Hall and you will have hopefully figured out how to pronounce "Michaëlle." I'm sure you join me along with all Canadians in wishing her an excellent reign.

Let us give thanks (630)
Bless this food before us: the turkey, the mashed potatoes, the squash, the peas, and the Jell-O salad with the cottage cheese. On behalf of the children present, bless the dog under the table who will slurp up the Jell-O salad with cottage cheese that they surreptitiously slip to it.

School Daze (740)
"I'm going to school again?" she said excitedly after Day 2.

(640)
The price of gas and oil may be at heart-palpitating highs but there's no reason why we can't make the best of it. What say we turn this energy crisis into an energy Christmas?.

Home is where the hard-liner is (675)
As members of Branch 142 of the CUPW (Consistently Unappreciated Parental Workers), your mother and I regret to inform you that the stalemate in parent-child negotiations leaves us no choice but to initiate pressure tactics throughout the household starting immediately.

A man on a mission statement (630)
Of course, it's not only business that can benefit from a strong mission statement. Personal growth can also be anchored by the positive energy and free-flowing cross-purposing that is the mission statement.

And just where do old dryers go when they die? (665)
I kept hoping someone would just drive up and take it. In fact, we had a knock on the door one evening from someone asking us if the dryer worked.

The dog days of August (640)
So two Saturdays ago, we headed to the SPA and entered the Sucker Room (my name, not theirs), where all the dogs looked up at us eagerly from their cages as if to say, "Pick me, pick me. I'm the type of dog they write epic poems about. I'll bring your slippers. If you don't have slippers, I'll steal you some."

Quit squirming and read this (650)
I would like to pretend that I'm a slow reader because I mull over every word and ponder thematic implications and character motivation. Truth is, like many slow readers, I'm just plain fidgety.

Nuke the zukes (680)
Why stress over planting a garden only to fret about eating it all? The only reason I can figure is that a garden is one less patch of grass to mow.

Listen to your mother, kid (700)
OGDEN, QC | James emerged from the water at Weir Park with blood streaming down his face. Not heeding the wisdom of mothers since time immemorial, he and a friend had been hurling mud at each other.

Pre-paid gambling - it's a Quebec thing, dear ones (630)
The thing I hate about buying lottery tickets is the tedious wait in line at the store behind people buying unimportant stuff like food for their family. When I want to throw my money away on the faint hope of fortune, I want to throw it away now!

So you want to coach kids' baseball (660)
Based on my experience, all you need to coach 7- to 9-year-olds is this phrase: "You can do it." If you can say this and know your players by name (as in "You can do it, [child's name]" or possibly "Tu es capable, [nom d'enfant]") you're already qualified.

Family DVD Night or "No, YOU pass the popcorn!" (560)
The following is a transcript of a typical DVD-rental night in the Murray house. Present are two adults and four children, the youngest of which probably shouldn't be watching this selection anyway since it's PG13 but hopefully she's too young to be scarred by it.

Pity the unhandyman (690)
As "helpers" go, he's the best. But there are few things more emasculating than mishandling power tools in front of another man.

The Great Canadian Short Story of Canadiana for Canada Day (775)
"Lord tunderin'!" Alistair cried as he took a mouthful of steaming maple-and-pemmican soup. "She's some hot!"

Saving private robin (745)
The bird on the lawn Saturday afternoon was very much alive, hopping about and calling for its parents. The adult robins flitted about nervously, squawking frantically, like stockbrokers trying to dump Nortel.

Quebec's Bernard Landry: The Golden Years (660)
"It is not so important for our young people to have access to as many opportunities as possible. What is important is the collectivity and making sure it stays put. Besides, we have everything anyone could want right here. Only through isolation can we truly develop as a people."

Dear Tech Guy: My hard drive is soggy (720)
This week, I answer some of your computer-related questions. Why? Because Rule #1 of being a tech guy is pretending you know what you're doing, and in this regard I am vastly qualified.

Dance Lessons (665)
Lesson #2: When attending a wine-and-cheese, you quickly have your fill of cheese. Not so for the wine. Be warned.

The dryer with something extra (700)
We got it home and stuck it in the basement. Phew! Still kind of stinky. The next morning, a horrible thought popped into my head: "Wait a minute. I know that smell. That's not a cat smell. That's a dead-thing smell!"

The Harper-Duceppe e-mails (630)
I mean, look at the way it seems our heads are leaning together like we're about to share an intimate man-on-man moment. Disgusting (no offence). All we were doing, you'll recall, was conspiring to put the Martin government out of its misery.

"He may be asinine / But he's still 39" (650)
I turn 40 later this year. I won't say when exactly because I'm afraid the civic parades might be too much of a distraction and interfere with my nap time.

Let me say right now that I'm sorry about that (670)
Who among us hasn't been really, really sorry (meaning really, really hoping to avoid punishment), for instance, after coming home to an exasperated spouse who is ready to throw you out because you've yet again turned up drunk, belligerent, and both shaven and tattooed in places you weren't when you went out? Hello…?

The scandal that brought the Murray house to its knees (770)
Day 3 of the testimony by Ross Murray before the Gomery Commission on the Canadian federal sponsorship scandal

I've got those slap 'em together and shove 'em out the door school lunch blues (650)
According to my calendar, there are only about fifty days left in the school year. I can't wait. That means the kids will be home and able to help me dig that moat around the house I've been working on. Plus, no more math questions I have to pretend to understand.

My favorite April Fool's carol: "God Jest Thee, Merry Gentlemen" (640)
We get so busy during the hectic April Fool's season, what with all the April Fool's shopping and the baking of the traditional April Fool's schnitzel, that sometimes we forget the true meaning of April Fool's Day: spending time with friends and loved ones and making them look stupid.

The F-word and other lyrics (690)
So what's a free-thinking, rock-'n-roll-loving, occasionally foul-mouthed parent supposed to do when the kids start bringing home music that contains "the word" and other reasonable facsimiles? Censorship?

Tossing his hat into the ring and all that (620)
This worked out pretty well for most, but this is Quebec and we must all do things the same way. We call this "working for the collectivity," although most other democracies would call it "benevolent fascism."

Blue jeans, baby (680)
The point is that I am at once a fashion have-not and terribly insecure about looking like a buffoon. Being really cheap doesn't help. It wouldn't be so bad if it weren't for the tremendous social pressure to look good.

A man with a Plan (650)
Please find enclosed my schedule of Planning Days for the coming year. During these days, I won't be showing up for work.

Hockey: great game, lousy sport (670)
Here's one Canadian who doesn't give a rat's rump that the National Hockey League season is cancelled.

Get your buns off the table, eh? (660)
And that's the Canadian way - working together, making sacrifices jointly, and not ticking off the powerful Alberta beef lobby.

And why isn't Shaun of the Dead nominated? (660)
Haven't been to the movies lately? Feeling left out of the Oscar buzz because you have no idea what the movies are about? Don't know where to wager your kids' education fund? Don't worry; it's easy to pick the Oscar winners, even if you haven't seen the films.

What if youth ran politics? (675)
In last year's federal election, only 38 percent of 18-30-year-olds bothered to vote in Canada. Just think how much better some parties would fare with a stronger turnout of 21-year-olds? OK, the Green and the Marijuana parties would do better but that's not the point. The point is, how do you reach these young people?

The Old Plonkster Weighs In (630)
With no end in sight for the SAQ strike, Quebecers are having to turn to other sources for their wine. Luckily, we live in a province where your next booze fix is just around the corner, at least until 11 p.m.

To Sir, with complimentary cocktail (660)
We find a moment to chat briefly about the new Canadian $20 and how she wishes we'd do something about that dreadful green, when Sir Ian McKellen barges in, and we all know how he is when he gets around queens! I slowly back away.

Hope you had a good Christmas (600)
You won't get around to read this until after Boxing Day. After all, who has time to read excruciatingly funny, jet-setting playboy columnists when there are cookies and cats to decorate?

Little Drummer Boy, etcetera etcetera (645)
Christmas music is everywhere, starting sometime after Halloween. But really it has little Christian influence. No one ever hears N'Sync singing "O Holy Night" and thinks, "Hmmm, I must to church."

The Flashlight (670)
This wasn't just the tiny Maglite you can hold in your mouth so you can have two hands free to defuse a bomb in the dark (hey, it could happen) but the big four D-cell-battery-mother. The kind you hold above your shoulder and say in a deep voice, "Excuse me, Ma'am, could you get out the car? There's a-gonna be some friskin'."

I'm feeling a little behind (680)
I was crushed last week to learn that once again I had been passed over as the Sexiest Man Alive.

The family that couldn't stop sneezing (650)
When I was a kid, I had a book called The Man Who Couldn't Stop Sneezing. It was about a guy who goes to great lengths to find the source of his non-stop nasal aggravation. He throws away all his possessions, rips off his clothes, and essentially goes berserk, until finally he moves into a cave in the woods with only his faithful dog for companionship.

And don't forget the Chinese frog legs (680)
I had to question why some diners were at a Chinese buffet at all, since so many were filling up on onion rings, french fries, and other not-exactly Asian dishes. What exactly was the attraction of the cocktail sausages in sauce? The bacon-wrapped sausages, sure, but cocktail weenies?

Curling: sport of geeks & scientists (700)
Curling is a sport the way golf and bowling are sports - you can drink while you're playing and it actually improves your game.

Dear Dubya: No hard feelings, right? (690)
you pulled it off, this time without the Supreme Court. Now you can actually say you were elected! It must feel good to finally have democracy on your side. Take THAT, Michael Moore! And Daddy!

Three Halloween spleen-tinglers (750)
Once upon a time in a scary one-bedroom apartment there lived a witch who owned a giant floating eyeball. This eyeball was like a crystal ball in that it could see the future. It was unlike a crystal ball in that it had an eyelid and was generally creepy. All floaty and blinky like.

Take a walk on the mild side (700)
I've just come back from my second walk of the day with Abby. Do not confuse this with a cardiovascular workout. This is the tai chi equivalent of walking, more meditative than exertive.

Rethinking those school laptops, now that my daughter has one (700)
It's wonderful to have an Apple in the house again. They've improved so much since the last time I worked with one. There are some new, very important features, like the way windows swoosh closed as if they're being sucked into a black hole. Then there are the gently soothing screen-savers featuring undulating nature scenes. Why, it's just like a life-insurance commercial.

Hip advice for Country Newbies (680)
The 2005 Newbie Farmer's Almanac is now on sale. In a tradition going all the way back to 1987, our almanac provides information, lore, false hopes, and condescending advice to the newly affluent who are hell-bent on systematically gentrifying semi-rural areas and who don't feel "authentic" unless they're pushing up a crop of peas.

On the street where you wave (670)
It also seems to me that for every three trucks that go into the United States, only one comes out. What happens to the other two? Do they just stay, the drivers lured by the promise of better lives and extreme makeovers?

"I went to Canada and all I got was mugged" (700)
The US Federal Mug Agency, meanwhile, is trying to crack down on the importation of Canadian mugs, claiming that they may be "unsafe."

The day the cat walked in (670)
Earlier this year I was relishing our home's single-pet status. We were down to one self-contained hamster and that's the way I liked it.

You're not going to eat that, are you? (715)
Imagine this: You're sitting at home, reading your newspaper. It's getting close to suppertime. There's a knock at the door. You open it and there's a stranger standing there holding a pot. "I've got this leftover food. Do you want it?"

Cartoon character, moi (516)
They say we all have a doppelganger - a twin of sorts out there somewhere. This is convenient if you need someone to blame for going bonkers at the McDonald's drive-thru, not so handy when your twin keeps cashing your paycheques.

Pretty swift, sort of high, reasonably strong (670)
Welcome to Day 6 of the Average Olympics. So far the competition here in Athens, Ontario, has been mundane beyond all expectations as athletes of typical build and fairly ordinary background compete for Olympic mediocrity.

Spare the meat, spoil the child (690)
Our daughter Abby has a metabolic condition called tyrosinemia, that, untreated, makes certain proteins toxic. It is controlled with medication, specialty foods, and a highly restrictive diet, allowing her to live a normal life. Abby also had a stroke a year and a half ago but recovered quickly.

"Hey, kids, let's play bare-toed croquet!" (700)
Bored with the same old family gatherings? Cringe at the prospect of hearing Uncle Felix drone on about his spleen? Undergoing the scrutiny of your in-laws doesn't give you that life-on-the-edge thrill it used to? Well, take family gatherings to the next level and dive headlong into the pulse-pounding world of Xtreme Famlee Ree-U-nions©!

You, sir, are a divot! (660)
WHEREAS the accused, Ross Murray, sometimes plays golf at the Club, whereby "golf" is defined solely on the act of hitting a dimpled white ball into 9 or 18 holes without consideration for the number of strokes it takes to do so, even if it takes a really, really, really tremendous amount of strokes. Like, really tremendous;

Has it really been 20 years? (630)
Dear Class of '84, as your valedictorian, I'm sure you're asking yourselves two questions: first, "Didn't you do time?" and second, "What pearls of wisdom can you offer us twenty years after giving a rousing valedictory speech that still rings mightily through the corridors of John Hugh Gillis Regional High School?"

So one little tree let me down… (630)
Up in the air, Junior Birdman

Which side are you on, les boys? (580)
Quebec is going through a period of relative cultural peace. Kind of dull, isn't it? The only people talking about sovereignty these days are blowhard-liners who worry about English-only toys at Zellers.

Sucking it up in the good old summertime (700)
I rented the film Swimming Pool the other night. I thought it was a how-to video on pool care and maintenance but it ended up being about a frequently nude sex kitten. I was very disappointed.

Working Dads 'do' list (570)
Are you a stay-at-home dad? Do you pride yourself in flouting traditional gender roles by being the primary caregiver and household manager? At the same time, do you wish you had taken a few Home-Ec classes so you would know the difference between basting a turkey and basting a hemline?

Which way to the wasabi? (670)
Among the beef, pork, and chicken were bison meat and horse meat. Emily, my oldest, conceded that she might try bison but never the horse. We've had this conversation before. On the rare occasions Deb and I have lamb chops, I like to hold up the meat and go "Baa-a-a…," which usually generates a sneer.

Buns of cornmeal (650)
A new gym opened in town recently called Figures. It's for women only, along the lines of the competing franchise Curves. It's doing a bang-up business, or at least I believe it is about the only businesses around here I'm not allowed to enter. That and the hair salon downtown ever since the "Blue Rinse Episode."

Ah, those DVD 'extras' (680)
We were tickled in the Murray house earlier this year to get our first DVD player. This is a giant leap technology-wise. We don't even have cable in our house.

Take the money and run (640)
Welcome to the CIBC Disgruntled Customer Hotline. For service in English, press 1. For service in French, press 2. If you are a rural customer, press 3 and we will try and talk a little slower for you.

Lying gets you nowhere - fast (680)
When I was 23, I was arrested in Toronto for stealing a fire extinguisher from a subway station. I would have got away with it, too, if I hadn't started spraying my friend just as a cop car drove by.

Are you eligible for the Retroactive Rebate Rebate? (625)
Congratulations for choosing Quebec's Simplified 2003 Income Tax Return. This guide provides all the information, pie charts, algorithms, and divinations you need to complete as many of your tax calculations as possible before you finally give up in frustration and hire a real accountant do it for you.

Book borrowing banned, borrowers buggered (670)
"These libraries are devious," said the senator, who has also championed a bill to prevent newspaper subscribers from passing on their copies to sisters/nephews/postal workers. He is perhaps most famous for backing the Ebert Bill, which forces mandatory thumb-ectomies on film reviewers who give away endings.

Disney: It's all about death & dying (650)
Walt Disney is dead. And he wants you to join him.

No pet lover, I (650)
To my surprise, I've discovered I'm a pet agnostic. I don't much like the critters. I've had a feline falling out, a pet peeve, a canine crisis of faith.

What's in a name? (650)
Many readers may be asking themselves, "Alphonse" - in my mind, all readers are named Alphonse; don't ask me why - "Alphonse, how could it be that the former owner and editor of The Stanstead Journal is suddenly writing a column for the competition?

Catch phrase gets two thumbs up (300)
Why is John Kerry leading the Democrat's push for the White House? It's the catch phrase, stupid.

Old Yeller & Calamity James (700)
It's the non-justified yelling that I need to work on. Take James again. He whistles constantly - a shrill one-note cantata that feels like getting a tooth drilled during a hangover.

I took my family went to the Coaticook Gorge and all I got was this lousy panic attack (850)
Aging I can handle. Rogue hairs in my eyebrows, nose, and ears? Bring 'em on. That popping noise every time I bend down? Just my bones settling. What really distresses me is the fact that I have become a scaredy-cat.

Yes, we have no big tomatoes (860)
Puny plants I can deal with. But I want my tomatoes. I want sauces and sandwiches. I want a thick slice of beefsteak on a late-August burger.

So what's the big deal about the Tomifobia Valley bike trail? (800)
Until two Sundays ago, I had never been on the completed trail to any great extent, certainly not since its completion. Now officially opened between Beebe and Ayer's Cliff, I decided to set out with the family to see what the fuss was all about. We set out on our leisurely way under sunny skies.

Abby had a stroke (785)
Within an hour, she could no longer stand up. Our 20-month-old had become as helpless and as limp as a newborn. She couldn't stay awake, and when she was, she cried. Her breathing wasn't right.

Stand up for Emerson, Manitoba (600)
If the federal government closes the border at Emerson, what is to prevent small Quebec crossings like Beebe or Highwater from being shut down? Why not shut downtown Rock Island and divert traffic up to Autoroute 55? With Customs planning a major renovation of its 55 facility - complete with said "advanced technology" - the possibility is a real one.

She's not sick, but... (650)
"She doesn't look sick," people often say when they see Abby. Thirteen months old and more than a year after being diagnosed with tyrosinemia, she really doesn't look sick. In fact, she isn't sick at all.

Don't assume the gods won't get you anyway (690)
I rushed home from the office after turning off all the computers and printers (suddenly I was hyper-conscious about overheated equipment) to find my family and the neighbors standing around the front yard.

I am not speak French goodly
Such polite boys and girls. God knows that if I was 11 years old and I had someone like me come talk to my class, there'd be plenty of snickering and arm-farting going on.

Abby has her own bed now
It has been hard going, especially at first, causing a fair bit of tension as we second-guessed and triple-guessed what to do as Abby screamed inconsolably... alone... abandoned... in her crib. The sobbing was sadder, more pitiful than those other nights when she just stayed up and kept crying and crying.

Neighboring towns being gouged
Everybody knows volunteer firefighters aren't entirely volunteers. They are paid for the time they spend fighting fires and responding to emergency situations. And rightfully so; it's tough, dangerous, often exhausting work that should be rewarded. Right, too, that the neighboring municipalities that use the services of these volunteers should pay their wages. But suddenly the Town of Stanstead is using these volunteers as pawns in what amounts to little more than price gouging.

Get those pants on now! (700)
You can feel it in the air: spring is around the corner. The snow banks have turned that sludgy grey-brown - the official symbol of Canadian renewal. Soggy dog turds are surfacing at the edges of the sidewalks. And throughout the land, parents are rubbing their hands in anticipation of winter's true end - no more snowpants.

La Madame (700)
Make no mistake: Mme LaRivière was no kook. She had, for instance, strong views on federalism and Quebec's place in it. She called herself not a "québécoise" but a "French Canadian." A proud one. She was fond of telling us, "If what they said was true about us French girls, we would all have been bowlegged." She also felt strongly about the role of seniors, how they could contribute to society, and what they could offer to "your generation." What she hated were those among her generation whose motto seemed to be "Qu'est-ce qu'on peut faire?"

I'm getting too old for this (700)
Bungee jumping, skydiving, big-game hunting. None of these exploits have ever beckoned to me as "must-do" activities. I feel no urge to drive Formula One. I marvel enough at life's fragility crossing Main Street in Ayer's Cliff. As far as I'm concerned, the "extreme" side can remain unexplored.

Abby's home now (800)
The day his sister was born, James had a revelation. You could see it pass across his five-and-a-half-year-old face as he looked down at the little bundle that a day earlier had been inside his mother's belly. And now it had come out.

No sympathy for the fainter (800)
Fine. I got a little woozy. But I did not pass out. My eyes did roll briefly - briefly! - into the back of my head and my face did turn the same shade as the surgical gloves the nurse was wearing but I did not flop, plop, heave, or spaz. And I gave my pint, dammit! I don't care what anyone tells you.

The doctor was 99 percent certain that snippy little procedure was bulletproof (885 words)
That's why shortly after James was born five years ago, we decided that I should undergo a vasectomy.

Spice Girl Grooving (600 words)
Just call our writer dad Rancid Spice.

Still Playing Silly Buggers
A gentle spoof about a bike trail and those who hate it.
Ross Murray edits Quebec's Stanstead Journal.

Farewell, Taylor Clan (700 words)
The family leaves the village farm after 125 years.
Ross Murray edits Quebec's Stanstead Journal.

Fridge Art
Boy, do we have art for you.
By Ross Murray, Editor, Quebec's Stanstead Journal.

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