 
DAVID SHATH SQUARE Chapter Seventeen
I ran into the cabin and dropped on my knees next to Shadow. I pounded on his rib cage with my fists.
"Don't die, don't die. I need you. We need you. Please don't die."
I buried my face in his black fur and started to cry. Thoreena tried to pull me away.
"Hardy, he can't hear you."
"Yes he can. He's not dead. He's alive."
I began to beat on his chest again.
"Wake up, wake up. You're okay, Shadow. You're not dead." "Hardy, let him go peacefully," Thoreena said.
"No, no, no. Do not go gentle into that good night. Fight the darkness. Fight the awful, awful darkness. Wake up, wake up."
I don't know how long I sat on the floor with my face buried in Shadow's fur. I do know that Thoreena sat beside me stroking Shadow's ear and messaging my shoulder.
Finally, I got up and walked out of the cabin. As I looked at the lake, a prayer came to mind my mother had taught me when I was young before she had died. I remembered her long, cool fingers running through my hair like fall wind through barley:
"Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord be with you.
Blessed art thou and the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.
Holy Mary, mother of God,
Pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death,
Amen."
I was six-years-old when my mother died. They said she had a heart condition. But I think she died of a broken heart. My father was never around He was absorbed in his books and his male friends. I remember she was tall and beautiful like Thoreena, but her hair was the colour of tilled earth -- black with hints of brown. I worshipped her. I suppose I never got over her death, and maybe I never forgave my father his transgressions.
Thoreena stood beside me. She stroked my hair. She kissed my cheek. She tried to reconcile me to Shadow's death.
"Hardy, death is just another part of life. Its like good and evil. One doesnt exist without the other."
"Theres no such thing as death, Thoreena. Its just a bad dream suffered by bad dreamers. Theres no such thing as good and evil. Its just what we make of reality. Shadow isnt dead. If I pray hard enough, hell awake and come back to me."
Thoreena looked at the ground. In some ways, she was cynical. She loved life, but at the same time had little respect for religion.
"Don't be cruel to yourself, Hardy. He isnt coming back."
"He is coming back. If I pray hard enough, hell return."
"How can you be so sure?"
"Because when my mother was dying she said God would answer my prayers."
"And did he?"
"No. She died."
"So what makes you think hell help this time?"
"My mother was ready to die. Her time had come. But Shadow's time hasnt come. God will redeem only the redeemable."
"Hell's bells, Hardy, you sound like a Baptist preacher at a harvest festival."
"Maybe I do. But I know what I feel."
I was still holding the dead grouse. I held them up as an offering and threw them into the lake.
"Hail Mary, full of grace, the lord be fucking with you..."
"Hardy, stop. Youll curse us. Do you want us to drown?"
"Why should you care? You don't believe in a God?"
"I believe in life. Isnt that enough?"
"I don't know, Thoreena. I don't know."
I sat down on the earth and looked at the lake. I felt Thoreena's cool fingers comb through my hair. Then I felt a warm presence close to me. When I looked up, Shadow was beside me. He licked my face and lay next to me, his black coat warm and reassuring in the cool autumn evening.
To Chapter Eighteen
Copyright © 1998 David Square/Log Cabin Chronicles/12.98 |
