Jim Austin's Vermonter at Large
Jim Austin
Jim Austin
is a freelance writer from Putney, Vermont.

His previous columns are archived HERE.

Posted 06.09.06


Beware of Beans

PUTNEY, VT | "It's like déjà vu all over again," as the immortal New York Skankee Yogi Berra used to say. I speak of our multi-challenged President and the current bee in his helmet.

He is riding his presidential short bus around the country, rehashing his 2004 campaign plank decrying gay marriage as the premiere threat to western civilization.

We cannot let "activist judges" decide this matter, squeaks George. "It is a question for the people to decide."

Sources inside the White House and close to the President (according to NBC nightly news) say he really doesn't give a fiddler's farthing for the question of who marries whom.

Why then broach the old chestnut now when time might better be spent on dealing with the quagmire in Iraq, or fixing FEMA, or solving the skyrocketing gas prices, or global bloody warming, or, or, orů

Here's a clue to deciphering Rove-think: Nothing gets the Christian base off their knees and into the voting booth like the prospect of gay marriage.

How can you people not understand that gay marriage rocks the underpinnings of our culture? Allowing two people of the same sex live together like man and wife is not only an affront to God, it destroys the sanctity of marriage and undermines even the marriages of differently sexed couples.

Haven't you noticed that since Massachusetts started allowing gay marriages that your own marriage is starting to erode?

Just the other day Ruth said to me: "Jim, you tub of guts, when are you going to put down the remote, take that burning-dog-hair-smelling cigar out of your blubbery lips and do the recycling?"

Damn you, gay marriage.

Karl "Bush's brain" Rove, in his wisdom, is gleefully stanching any movement towards equality for gays so as to energize the wacky religious community.

On that same NBC news show they interviewed one of the new breed of preachers that preside over a mega-church somewhere in the Midwest. He looked about 22 years old, his smile a frozen rictus of perfectly capped choppers.

"Nothing gets the flock to the polling booth like gay marriage," he proselytized.

I picture a maelstrom of Christian fanatic zombies lurching toward the polling booths moaning, "gay marriage bad, gay marriage bad."

As for our runaway hippie Supreme Court that George has his jockeys in a bunch about, I wonder if we could get him to crawl up on Laura's knee and listen to some history?

She might mention the decision of Loving vs Virgina which determined the unconstitutionality of laws preventing interracial marriage, or the decision of Griswold vs Connecticut which allowed married couples to be counseled on contraception. These were court orders affecting the status of marriage by the loony activist judges that George is freaking about.

Actually, repealing those two radically liberal court decisions might make even more of the Rightwing Christians decide to vote. Maybe they could stone offenders as well or beat them to death with copies of The DaVinci Code.

It will take decades to wash the stench of the Bush administration off this country. Its tentacles are into every aspect of our lives and the lives of citizens of other nations as well. It has gone below the radar to sanction torture, tap our phones, create an energy policy using the helpful input of big oil execs, and set up a corruption machine on K Street where big salaries await Republican Congressman when they leave office.


I have had it with you people. If you vote for a Republican in the next election cycle I will bring my incontinent daschund over to your house for the weekend. Her name is "Beans" she's relentless.