Jim Austin's Vermonter at Large
Jim Austin
Jim Austin
is a freelance writer from Putney, Vermont.

His previous columns are archived HERE.

Posted 09.09.04


Send in the clowns

If you are going to stroll through this year's political arenas, don't wear your best shoes.

I was certain the Dems were going to be in for a thrashing after they chose to have their convention first. Whatever strategy they chose, the GOP would be able to trump them.

Predictably, the Democratic National Wimp-a-thon in Boston left the door wide open for a Republican blood feast.

The highlight of the show in New York was "Give 'em hell Zell" Miller, a redneck turncoat from Georgia. No doubt he has been promised a juicy post in the next GOP administration for his anti-Kerry ravings at the podium.

Perhaps the position of Ambassador to Elbonia might be in order.

Miller's most memorable moment was after his speech while interviewed by Chris Mathews of MSNBC. Miller, a doddering octogenarian, decried the fact that Mathews wasn't doing the interview in person, implying that Miller would kick his butt.

Why the hostility? Well Mathews mildly questioned some of Miller's talking points.

"Do you really think that Kerry wants to fight wars with spitballs?"

The old boy was positively fizzing with enmity as Mathews tried to question him. The problem is that the media has become so intimidated and so afraid of being left out of the loop that they seldom question the remarks made by politicians. So Bush maintains that the war in Iraq is making us safer, when in fact it is doing the opposite and nobody questions him.

When Mathews questions Miller for calling Kerry the war hero "anti-military," the old geezer pops a truss button.

The Bush twins made quite a hit at the convention, according to the talking heads. I listened to them on the radio where their cuteness was negated by their inane giggling after every spoken sentence. They sounded like a female Beavis and Butthead.

Before "Bring on the Clowns" it was "Bring on the moderates."

Arnold "the gropemeister" Swarzeneggar told us all what life is like in America for a typical immigrant like himself. Typical that is if you come to the US after winning 7 Mister Universe competitions.

He also mouthed some historically fractured drivel about growing up in Austria among Soviet tanks.

Next came Rudolph Guiliani who compared George Bush to Winston Churchill. Kind of takes your breath away doesn't it.

It's like comparing "Timmy" of South Park to Carl Lewis.

Did you hear a squeaking sound after all the Kerry bashing was over? That was Kerry.

He was desperately trying to reclaim his cojones by going after the chickenhawks who keep criticizing his war record.

"I'm sick of having my war record questioned," he whimpers, "by two characters (Bush and Cheney) that let other men do their fighting for them."

Too little, too late, Dopey. Have you not figured out the simple fact that if you say it long enough and loud enough, it doesn't matter if it's true?

Your polls started the slide when those Swift Boat "patriots" lied like car salesmen over and over while you stood around with your giant chin trembling, hoping for what? The good fairy to turn them into toads? They are already toads and you should have said so.

Bush and Dick "Igor" Cheney have spuriously connected the war in Iraq with terrorism. The war has obviously made us more vulnerable by alienating the Muslim man on the street and filling Al Qaida's recruiting headquarters with more fanatics.

But they keep saying it and the mouthbreathing public seems to believe it. You said the same yourself the other day. I know you "misspoke" but you said it, you dummy. Just proves the point.

Kerry has one hope. He seems to be a good finisher. He beat a better man for Senator of Massachusetts when he beat William Weld and he did the same to a much better man when he defeated Howard Dean in the primaries.

Maybe he can muster up some guts in the homestretch to pry the tyrant's grip off of our White House railing.