Jim Austin's Vermonter at Large
Jim Austin
Jim Austin
is a freelance writer from Putney, Vermont.

His previous columns are archived HERE.

Posted 08.05.04


Dem Convention Capers

The Democratic National Convention informally kicked off with John Kerry throwing out the first pitch before the Sox ~ Yankees game. Mistake Number One.

Kerry stood in front of the mound and tossed a 40-foot girlie-lob to a ceremonial catcher from the armed services who muffed the short hop. Clearly, Kerry would have been much more successful if he had cantered out on Bucephalus, his polo pony, and drilled a 150-foot mallet shot from center field.

Go with your strength, Senator.

Theresa Heinz, Kerry's wife has a lot more chutzpah than her toffee-nosed hubby. After a speech on civility to some group or other she answered a reporter's question by saying "You said something I didn't say so shove it."

Classic…she's going to be fun.

After the above two moments I thought this convention was going to be riveting. It isn't. I've concluded that if the brain sits through a convention once it must immediately evacuate all memory of the event. This ensures that people will not be able to recall the stultifying boredom they have been through plus all their promises never to sit through another one. Even the highlights on MSNBC were like watching carpet grow.

Here's the problem. Kerry has a rock solid base due to a large percentage of the population despising George Bush on a level that is almost Biblical. He knows that he isn't going to turn any of George's supporters, who include the foaming at the mouth variety fundamentalists, people who live in homes with more than twelve bathrooms, mullet-heads with more guns in the closet than dogs under the porch, and those that live in states where a close relative is governor.

Therefore, the whole damn convention is aimed at those people from the swing states who could go either way on this election. The analysts have concluded that these people need to get to know Kerry. They must hear his war record 7000 times in four days.

They can't hear that George Bush is the worst President in U.S. history. They apparently can't abide listening to anything concrete that Kerry will do to bring our country back up to semi-civilized. These people must be spoon-fed a nice tepid olio of mush and marshmallows. Don't be mean; don't insult the beady-eyed tyrant in the oval office.

Makes for great TV doesn't it? They should install a maypole and hand out t-shirts with bunnies on them.

Here is why George Bush will lose this election despite the goody-two-shoes fest that the Dems had in Boston.

  • Is anyone who voted for Gore in the last election going to switch and vote for Bush? Answer: Don't be ridiculous.

  • If you were on the fence in 2000 and took Bush at his word regarding his policy of bringing the country together, would you vote for Bush again? Nope.

  • If you voted for Bush solely because you thought Gore was tainted with the Clinton virus, what's your excuse this time?

  • International reputation in the trash, Google deficit, war, Cheney.

  • If you voted for Nader last time, are you going to do that again?
How Bush could win this election

1. Cheat. Again. 2. Convince Iraq to become the 51st state, capture Osama Bin Ladin, solve the Palestinian/Israeli situation to everyone's satisfaction, and find a cache of nukes in Baghdad all aimed at Washington DC, discover the world's largest supply of oil in Ohio.

Anyway, I guess we could have hoped that Ted Kennedy would get drunk and fall off the platform or Kerry's toupee would get caught in Edward's cufflink. Maybe Theresa Heinz could have mooned the press corps or Jimmy Carter could have told Cheney to go **** himself. I've got an idea. They should have invited Ralph Nader to speak and while he was decrying the corporate takeover of America, Howard Dean could have snuck up behind him and gave him an atomic wedgie. Now, that would have been good TV.