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Jim Austin's Vermonter at Large
Jim Austin
Jim Austin
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is a freelance writer from Putney, Vermont.

His previous columns are archived HERE.

Posted 01.26.04

JIM AUSTIN

Dean doomed

Rumors that Howard Dean's frenzied outburst of (joy?) (frustration?) (whatever?) have affected the performance of the Mars rover are just rumors.

What the heck was Dean thinking? To say that he looked unpresidential is an understatement. He looked a lot like a rodeo clown who had won the lottery.

There isn't a lifeboat big enough to save him from this titanic disaster.

Possible reasons for Dean's outburst:

  • His underwear had ridden up and he was trying to unwedgie himself.
  • His timed release Prozac came from Canada and quit on him.
  • He was dying to show everyone that knew the name of every state.
  • He had just tried his first double tequila shooter.
  • He didn't get the memo from the FDA about ephedra.
Think how he would have acted if he had won.

Unfortunately, this episode of weirdness has sunk his ship. I have seen the speech/seizure on three TV shows and heard his braying on two morning radio programs. He will never survive an electorate that rates people first and foremost on how they look and act without ever paying much attention to the issues.

If they did we certainly wouldn't have the Bush boot on our necks right now. Should Howard win the nomination, Bush's bandwagon will spend a fortune replaying Howard's indiscretion from coast to coast 24/7. The voters will think that's how he acts all the time.

OK, so who is really going to win the Democratic nomination?

It can't be Clark. General Wesley does not blink. It would be like electing RoboCop. Nobody trusts a guy who doesn't blink.

He also features in some pretty damning tapes wherein he extols the virtues of Bush and Co. Look for the tape to emerge if Clarke wins New Hampshire.

Sharpton is Sharpton. A self-promoting, race-baiting bully who is in it to raise his own profile. He has no chance of winning and he knows it.

Dean has his seizure to try and live down and Sharpton has Tawana Brawley. If Sharpton had any chance at all you would hear plenty about Tawana Brawley. Look it up on the net then ask yourself why this jerk would bother to run.

Lieberman is trying hard but he is too whiny. Running with Gore in the last election has sort of stamped him as a big "loser". He's also a bit more Republican than Trent Lott.

He even moved his domicile to New Hampshire to impress the natives but still polls in single digits. No chance. Thank goodness.

John Edwards is the pretty boy with the accent. He's a surprise second place finisher in Iowa, looks to raise a few eyebrows in NH, and may well win South Carolina. Too bad he's a lawyer. Who needs another lawyer?

He also looks like he's about 18 years old. Not presidential enough. President of the Student Council maybe, but not the USA. He can't win.

Now we come to Kerry. He's got a lot going for him. He wins big in Iowa and he's a neighbor of New Hampshire. He's a war hero and he is this year's "comeback kid".

Apparently, he jumped up on the stump and sang out some humdingers for the consumption of the Iowa Caucuses. He zapped to the top of the polls as if he'd discovered that corn made you live longer.

He's very Presidential looking for sure with his tall lean Lincolnesque corpus and face like the business end of an axe. In fact, a stovepipe hat might just appeal to the voters.

I don't know how the Brahmin accent will play on the left coast and Arizona. They tend to go with the "aw shucks, ma'am" types.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot Kucinich. I think that's the problem with him.

I've been hounded pretty regularly by Dean's machine for money these past weeks. I almost caved but now I'm glad I didn't. I'll just wait and hand over some loot to the eventual winner of the nomination.

I'd vote for Lizzie Borden if I thought she could give Bush forty whacks.

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