Jim Austin's Vermonter at Large
Jim Austin
Jim Austin
is a freelance writer from Putney, Vermont.

His previous columns are archived HERE.

Posted 11.06.07


An Abundance of Bores

PUTNEY, VT | In my last thrilling appearance in the LCC, I submitted the list of Republican Candidates for President and rated their chances of obtaining the nomination based on several factors. I used their shiftiness, weaselry, money-grubbing, religious fanaticism, cover-up and suppression talents, and all around scum-sucking douchebaggery.

In short, all the things that make Republicans Republican.

This month we will have a look at the Democratic nominees. This is not an easy task, neither is analyzing swollen raisins in a bowl of tepid pablum. However, I shall try.

Dennis Kucinich, is the former Mayor of Cleveland and US Congressman since 1997. Dennis is the Democrat's "peace candidate". He is Gandhi with hair.

K. tried this in 2004 and was miserably defeated. He must know that he has no chance of winning so what's his motivation? Why is he doing this?

Doubtless there is some of the Ralph Nader megalomania at work here. Nader's neurotic self-absorption and obsession with getting his message on TV sucked in enough loony left votes to allow Bush to win.

At least Kucinich is confining his delusional campaign to the primaries where he is harmless fodder for late-night talk show hosts and no danger of enabling another back door Republican win.

John Edwards tried in 2004 as John Kerry's running mate. Playing second fiddle to a lame out-of-touch fop like Kerry instantly abrogates his chances. His claim to fame is that he "refuses to attack" his opponents. Hmmmm?

What kind of a personal injury lawyer refuses to attack people? Does a rat refuse to bite the toes of sleeping babies? Do scorpions hide in your boots ready to sting?

Amy Poehler on Saturday Night Live called him an "ambulance-chasing, two bit rat bastard." Hard to disagree with that assessment.

Mike Gravel was born in 1930. He promotes a guaranteed annual income for every citizen whether they work or not. Mrs. Gravel, your husband has wandered off from the home again. Please come and get him.

Joe Biden looks like a Presidential Candidate. His views tend to the liberal and his silver plugs give him that CEO gravitas. He's sort of like Mitt Romney's alter ego replete with nutball religion (Biden's a Catholic). His biggest drawback is that he is an idiot.

He spoke to a group of (East Indian) Indians and congratulated them on their ubiquitous presence in 7-11's and gas stations. When referring to Obama he evidenced surprise that an African-American could be so "bright and clean." Afterwards he did a pilgrimage to Jesse Jackson who heard his confession and pronounced him "gaffe-prone" rather than racially biased.

Incidentally his middle name is "Robinette". That alone disqualifies him.

Chris Dodd once received "The Golden Leash" award for accepting a million or so bucks from special interests including Enron and Arthur Andersen. We can forgive that minor indiscretion by noting that after he divorced his wife he dated Bianca Jagger and Carrie Fisher of Star Wars (and little else) fame.

In 1999 he married a Mormon named Jackie Humpa. I will not submit to my natural inclination to make hay from such an obviously hilarious juxtaposition. Like Biden he is an Eastern upper-crust lawyer with delusions of grandeur. He can't at this point weasel enough money from financial institutions to get his message out. Dodd has gone to that well too often. No chance.

Bill Richardson is the best qualified for the nomination. He has extensive diplomatic experience, including U.S. ambassador to the UN. He was also the Secretary of Energy during the Clinton Administration. Now that the Bush Administration has trashed our diplomatic credentials worldwide and spat on the Kyoto Accords Richardson seems like an obvious choice.

Despite the name Richardson is practically a full-blooded Hispanic. That should get him through the diversity turnstiles with ease. And the number one reason why he is the ideal candidate? He's not a lawyer.

Barack Obama is the only Half-frican-American in the US Senate. He won in a landslide in his home state of Illinois. His biggest and so far only knock is that he has very little political experience.

My question is: How have these jerkwads with the vast political experience been doing lately? Also heartening is that fact that his father was an atheist and his stepfather "had no use for religion."

I can tell you from experience that if you grow up in a household like that you will have a healthy skepticism toward all religions. Naturally, this little known fact will be bruited about by his Republican opponents during the campaign should Obama win the nomination. This will cue the Christian Right who will rend their raiment and howl in tongues before marching to the polls and voting for Jesus' proxy on earth...the Republican.

The big gun in this array of wannabes is Hilary. The knock on her is that she is polarizing.

I ask you: In these days of global warming is it so bad to be polarizing? (rimshot please)

You either love her or you hate her yadda yadda yadda. Well, based on the criterion that drives most voters in this country she'll probably lose. Don't you know that there are hidden cadres of misogynists just waiting to spring should Hilary get the nomination?

We are not ready for a woman President. After the Magna Carta was signed in 1215 it took Britain almost 800 years to elect a woman. We'll be ready in another 600 years or so, 400 if they ever pass the ERA.

That's a shame really because with Hilary you get Bill, our best President since FDR. And wouldn't you love to hear Bill introduced as "The First Laddie"?

OK that's all the major contenders. I'm not even going to talk about Al Gore. He had his chance, won the election and then wouldn't fight for it when the Republicans stole it from him. Could he win this time? I think so. But I'm not sure a man who won't fight would be able to cope.

Most of the field looks pretty substandard. They act like Democrats, weak, milquetoast little nerds who won't take a stand and refuse to have a spine. The Dems need a strong leader. Someone like Mahmoud Ahmadinejad who isn't afraid to stand up and say "We don't have homosexuals in Iran."

I will close with the same conclusion gleaned from the Republican candidates. "Whoever wins, at least it won't be Bush."