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Jim Austin's Vermonter at Large
Jim Austin
Jim Austin
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is a freelance writer from Putney, Vermont.

His previous columns are archived HERE.

Posted 01.06.03

JIM AUSTIN

Democrat Loser Pageant

A great philosopher once said: "It is the ability to weasel in and out of situations that separates us from the animals." *

Enter John Edwards, the Democratic party's latest entry into the presidential race of 2004. Talk about flying under the radar. This North Carolina Senator of four years experience was hardly known outside his immediate family until he appeared on Meet the Press last Sunday.

It was there he uttered the immortal words: "I just want to be a champion for the regular people."

Sort of makes you want to yak doesn't it? The guy is a millionaire personal injury lawyer. Compared to a personal injury lawyer, the common leech is a noble and selfless creature.

They might as well talk Trent Lott into running. James Carville could give him a makeover. Change the rabid badger hairpiece, swap his Klan robes for bell bottoms, and get him to have an affair with Barbra Streisand.

So far, the Dems have fielded a team of lightweights that have all the insight and vision of drunken Teletubbies. What is Dick Gephardt thinking? He just resigned as leader of the House because the Democrats took such a hiding in the last election.

Did his campaign manager say "Dick baby, you suck at being House Leader, let's take a shot at the oval office."

The other gibbering loser considering a run is Tom Daschle, the Senate minority leader. The key word is "Minority."

Why?

Because his unusual election strategy was confined to sitting in his office and playing with his lips while hoping that all the GOP senatorial candidates would take a junket on a Bangladeshi ferry boat.

Didn't happen. The Dems lost the Senate.

Next up is Lieberman, the whining pseudo-Republican in Democrat's clothing. Lieberman already lost once. Unlike his boss Albert "R2D2" Gore,he couldn't read the handwriting on the wall.

John Kerry would have had some appeal if he hadn't voted in favor of invading Iraq along with the President. Give him some credit for finding a spot on Bush's butt to plant his lips when there was such gridlock.

The Democrats have one stategy only. It is to wait and hope that Bush screws up. They must hope for the biggest depression since 1929 or the worst military defeat since Vietnam. That is the only way they can win the Presidency given their current lack of initiative.

Despite Bush's best efforts that isn't going to happen, so get ready for four more years of the new Corporatocracy starring CEO George.

Enough politics

By the time you read this we will have a new national college football champion. The dewy-eyed lads with cheek of tan from Ohio will have squared off against the simian gangsters from Miami.

I have stupidly allowed myself to be sucked into a 25-bowl game parlay cooked up by some bookie friend of my brother-in-law. I didn't think there was enough bourbon on the planet to get me into another of his betting schemes but here I sit, eyeballs bugged out like organ stops in front of every game, sweaty hand gripping my picks and stifling dismay.

Women think it is easy to watch twenty-five bowl games in a row. How wrong they are. Muscles go slack from lack of exercise, except for the muscles that control the veins in the forehead and neck, the mind turns to mush, and the kidneys protest the predictable Dorito overload. Still, the rewards are many for those willing to ante up.

Gambling, of course, is illegal but let us say that should Ohio win -- yours truly will be able to buy 650 powerball tickets. If they lose, well, the NFL playoffs start on Saturday.

* Homer Simpson

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