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Jim Austin's Vermonter at Large
Jim Austin
Jim Austin
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is a freelance writer from Putney, Vermont.

His previous columns are archived HERE.

Posted 07.18.03

JIM AUSTIN

Bits & Pieces of a Fine Old Rant

Rush Limbaugh has been hired by ESPN to host their Sunday NFL Countdown show. The Associated Press reported, "Rush Limbaugh known for his conservative views will deliver a weekly opinion piece…." So Limbaugh the Bloated Buddha of Bombast is "known for his conservative views". And Jeffery Dahmer is known for his taste in exotic meats.

This fat bastard has been blurring the line between butt kissing and colonoscopies for the Republican Party since Ronald Reagan attempted to trade arms to Iran for U.S. hostages. The last time NFL football picked a commentator out of the entertainment swamp it was comedian Dennis Miller on Monday Night Football. The king of smug is one of the few Hollywood elite that, along with the "Terminator" has a remora-grip on the butt of the GOP. Are the Republicans trying to co-opt football?

Putting the number one Republican ideologue in front of the ESPN flagship commentary show is disturbing. Limbaugh will fail for two reasons. One -- he couldn't possibly share the limelight with the other blabbermouths and, two --other than being shaped like a football, what are his qualifications?

Guess what? For $10,000 you can fly to Vegas and hunt naked women with paintball guns. Omigod. Did you hear that Osama? Apparently the good ole boys stalk these naked babes who wear only goggles and running shoes then blast them with paintballs. Shorty tried paintball (fully clothed, presumably) and wore a purple bruise on his chest for the next month. This is the height of…I'm not sure what, but it is the height of something. Me and the boys down at the muffler shop had a junket planned but Ruth put the kybosh on it. She never takes an interest in my hobbies.

Kobe's problems seem a bit out of character until you realize that he is a professional basketball player. Kobe is charged with sexually molesting a nineteen-year-old hotel employee just recently. This is such a familiar scenario.

First the police overreact to the situation by holding a news conference before the semen dries. Then the accused denies everything. The victim then has her background investigated back to the time when she ate some paste in kindergarten by a team of slime-seeking lawyers. Finally, the victim is offered a few million bucks to drop the whole thing followed by the accused saying, "I'm just glad this incident is over". Think Michael Jackson.

Deion Sanders just paid $1500 for the repair of his vintage Lincoln Continental. The bill was over $4000. The mechanic had to sue Sanders for the balance. Sander's defense? Jesus told him to pay only $1500. Fasten your seat belt. He won. Clearly, a Bush appointee was on the bench. Next time I'll tell the cops that God told me to go 85.

Speaking of George, there is good news on the cloak and dagger front. George was quoted last week as saying: "the intelligence I get is darn good intelligence."

What a relief. When he explains it like that you can rest easy about potential terrorism or the progress of North Korea's "newkewlar" weapons program.

To all you low-income trailer-trash-Republicans who voted for George Bush I have a question: did you vote Bush because you realized he was just like one of you? If the answer is yes, I want you to rethink your vote. Remember the time you tried to save money by drilling your own teeth? Remember when your high school hygiene teacher asked you to pay more attention to your "ablutions" and you said, "I ain't innerested in killin' no babies"? The next chance you get to vote, comb the cockroaches out of your mullet, brush your tooth and, go to the polls intending to vote for someone NOT like you.

The Dixie Chicks were so right.

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