Jim Austin's Vermonter at Large
Jim Austin
Jim Austin
is a freelance writer from Putney, Vermont.

His previous columns are archived HERE.

Posted 09.10.07


Confederacy of Losers

PUTNEY, VT | What the Republican Party has trotted out is an astonishing cavalcade of miscreants as possible nominees for the 2008 Presidential Race. The most positive thing you can say is that any one of them would make a better President than George W.

Of course that's like saying Leprosy is better than pancreatic cancer.

My three favorites are Brownback, Huckabee, and Tancredo. These are the three out of nine candidates who don't believe in evolution.

The irony is, as some wag said, that stronger, fitter candidates will drop their campaigns from the race. It's a shame really, I desperately wanted to live under a "Huckabee" presidency. He could appoint Buford Pusser Secretary of Defense, Aunt Bea Secretary of State, and Larry the Cable Guy Secretary of Education. Larry would abolish these dopey exams and just "git er done."

John McCain was the choice of a lot of moderates in the 2000 campaign when he lost out to our current fuehrer. He will lose for certain this time around for the opposite reason. He is foursquare behind the President who is putting the country through hell in Iraq.

"More troops, more troops" is the McCain mantra. Has he noticed that 90 percent of the electorate is against the war? Is he an idiot? The answer sadly, is yes.

If you gave John Kerry a tube of Brylcreem and had him join a cult what would you have? Mitt Romney of course. Mitt says his three sons are doing something more important than fighting in Iraq. They are out there to get him elected President. I wonder whom he thinks that statement will resonate with?

Mitt also flippy-flopped on his previous view of abortion. Abortion was OK before but post-candidate it became an evil that must be wiped out. I won't get into the problem of being a Mormon in a Baptist world. Mormon beliefs are nuttier than your great Aunt Fannie's fruitcake and that's going to be tough to ignore.

Another dude who has nightmares about the Christian right is our hero, former mayor of New York City, Rudolph Giuliani. Rudy is currently the front-runner in the race for the nomination. Wouldn't it be hilarious if he won and had to face Hillary Clinton? She would have to call him on his past infidelities, romping from bed to bed and behaving like a goat in heat. Sounds familiar though, doesn't it?

Now we are down to the guys you've never heard of.

Duncan Hunter is a rock-ribbed conservative who wants to torch illegal immigrants and save the "preborn." I'm pretty sure he dyes his hair, which is about the most interesting thing about him.

Ron Paul is a U.S. Representative from Texas with a libertarian voting record. He is one of seven Republicans who voted against Iraq War authorization and opposed the Patriot Act. He is the single candidate who has shown some good judgment and courage over the past few years. He is clearly the best candidate. He has no chance.

Now we come to our actor candidate, (cue the Law and Order chimes) Fred Thompson. Fred just signed up on September 6 so at this writing his views are not well known. What is well known is that when those views become public they will be delivered in a beautifully modulated stentorian basso profundo.

There is no doubt that Fred will style himself after Republican God Ronald Reagan. He would probably be a horrible President. Reagan was. Is John Hinckley out of jail yet? Just asking.

I've seen a worse batch of candidates.

Remember Alan Keyes, a religious fanatic and all around tool? How about Dan "you say potato I say potatoe" Quayle?

Pat Buchanan was an interesting candidate. I can't remember the journalist who said that Buchanan shouldn't keep claiming his relatives died at Auschwitz because "falling off a guard tower shouldn't count."

Anyway, the GOP mob is doing a good job of keeping up with the cadre of "feebs" that the Dems have teed up for us. The only thing we can be sure of is that the next President will be better.