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Jim Austin's Vermonter at Large
Jim Austin
Jim Austin
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is a freelance writer from Putney, Vermont.

His previous columns are archived HERE.

Posted 02.24.03

JIM AUSTIN

More about George

I was having coffee with my sumptuous flower Ruth this morning. We generally have coffee, then wait ten minutes before any speaking is allowed. The ten minutes before the coffee kicks in is our de-militarized zone.

Anyway, this morning we started talking about who we could choose as a replacement for George Bush. George, you see, is screwing up everything he touches and the things he doesn't touch he hires people to screw up.

Open your wallet. See that moth flying out? That's a nice metaphor for the way our economy is running. George looked at the economy and saw that it was bad. To fix it he decided to give enormous tax cuts to the rich. No doubt they'll dedicate a polo game to George in honor of his good deed.

Remember the deficit that Clinton wiped out? It's back. George decided that he could pay for the big tax cut by borrowing billions of bucks. What a schmuck.

His palm Attorney General Asscroft, has decided to solve our prison overcrowding problems by having the prisoners summarily executed. What a great idea. Just when states are figuring out that half of those imprisoned for murder are innocent, Asscroft decides to slay them quicker than ever.

He says he wants to have equity across the country for those condemned to death. I'll bet the guys on death rows across the country are getting together and making a quilt or at least a nice card to thank him for being fair.

Our foreign policy is aptly named, as far as George is concerned. The idea of diplomacy is entirely foreign to him. His latest breakthrough is getting us into a position to be mugged by Turkey.

Turkey, of all places, has got us by the frijoles and is twisting. George offered them $27 billion or so to let us use their country as a staging area before we jump ugly with Hussein. Doesn't this tinhorn Texas toad brain know anything about haggling?

The Turks never take the first offer. Bush should have begun negotiations with a case of carpet cleaner and a used hookah. Don't start with your final offer, dummy.

George has also maneuvered us into a position where France is going to beat us at the UN bargaining table.

France? Is this the France that lost to the Germans five or six times, lost to Wellington, lost to Vietnam, Algeria, and if you go far enough back you'll see that France lost twice to the Italians.

Nobody loses to the Italians. How many Frenchmen does it take to defend Paris? Who knows? They've never tried. In any case, France is winning and George got us there.

George figured that our way of life was under attack since 9/11. How is he going to make sure this never happens in the future? Well, he's going to make sure we never lose our freedom by taking it away from us.

The Patriot Act and the soon to be revealed Son of the Patriot would have Joseph Stalin bristling with indignation. George wants to monitor the library books we read, for God's sake. He wants to be allowed to throw people in jail without benefit of charges or a lawyer.

He's pretty much cancelled the Freedom of Information Act. He just told government officials that if they want to stall forever on giving up information to the media, they would have the full backing of the White House.

Life in the USA is starting to resemble a play by Choke, only not as believable. Bush should consider tearing down White House and putting up a replica of the Kremlin.

The North Korea debacle resembles a gap-toothed moron poking a hornet's nest with a stick then running like hell when they boil out of the hive. "Save me Condoleeza, the axis of evil is after me."

That brings me back to who we would like to have replace him. Krusty the Clown would do a better job by far but, like Leiberman, he won't get in because he's Jewish. Cartman on South Park would make a fine candidate if he weren't a cartoon.

I think I'll vote for Anna Nicole Smith. She seems to have George Bush beaten in every category required of a President. She was diplomatic enough to get a billionaire to marry her, she doesn't let a lack of erudition and tact stand in her way, and she obviously doesn't care what people think of her as long as she gets what she wants.

Wait a minute -- consorts with billionaires, bereft of intelligence, and engages the mouth before the brain is in gear. She's also from Texas. Hey, I think the Democrats have their candidate for 2004 it worked in 2000, didn't it?

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