Jim Austin's Vermonter at Large
Jim Austin
Jim Austin
is a freelance writer from Putney, Vermont.

His previous columns are archived HERE.

Posted 06.18.05


In The Name Of The Father

Tomorrow is the most important day of the year for many of us. It is a day when the unsung, the underappreciated, and the disrespected are finally able to bask in the sunshine.

I speak, of course, of fathers, for at last it is Father's Day. I hope we will not use this day as merely an excuse for thoughtless frivolity and capering about. Take a moment, you women and children out there, and reflect upon the reason for this day.

Think, if you will about the many duties asked of our patriarchal units over the years. Ladies, when you are awakened by sounds in the back yard who is it that circles the house in his underwear, 9-iron at the ready?

Who constantly monitors the TV for any news of natural disasters that may be a threat to the family. What good are those Conalrad Alerts if no one is watching TV? You don't think we actually enjoy those football games do you?

At the beach, Dad is ever-vigilant in eyeballing the curvaceous babes, thereby gleaning valuable information about health and fitness which he charitably passes on to his wife.

And speaking of wives, aren't you pleased when Dad goes the extra mile on your birthday and splurges on a filmy chemise and with matching dental-floss thong from Frederick's of Hollywood?

What, then, can you do to make this a very special Father's Day for the Big Guy in your life?

How about this: Slip out of bed at 4 a.m. and begin a special Father's Day breakfast. May I suggest eggs benedict with several rashers of bacon. Freshly squeezed orange juice. Homemade bran muffins slathered in butter with a teacup full of strawberry preserves. Coffee, of course, Costa Rican beans ground immediately before brewing.

At 9 a.m. the Father is awakened by soft Eastern sitar music. The wife shimmers into the bedroom dressed in the aforementioned Frederick's of Hollywood outfit and proceeds to perform the dance of the seven veils. If Father wishes to choreograph the dance and even participate, the wife should immediately acquiesce.

Next, the shower should be adjusted to the proper temperature and both wife and kids should applaud as Dad belts out a few shower tunes. Upon emerging from the shower Dad should be wrapped in a toasty towel which has just been removed from the clothes dryer. Breakfast may now be served.

Now to the fruits of the sainted patriarch's loins.

Children should be rehearsed in a joyous song or poem of praise for the Father. Before dinner a scotch and soda, margarita, or other libation shall be prepared and served with an expensive stogie dipped in Napoleon brandy.

The children may then be ushered in to the honored one's presence where they may present their cards of appreciation made in school that week. Any excess glue should be carefully removed from cards so as not to sully the fatherly digits. The offspring will then deliver their song or poem in unison, e.g.:

Fabulous Father, you are the best,
While we are simply miserable pests,
Dad's the apple of our eyeballs.
Mom, make dad a few more highballs.

(Pronouns may be adjusted for number of whelps.)

I hope these tips will help you appreciate the value of that lawn mowing, garbage hauling, sports coaching, worm-impaling, burglar repelling dad in your life. May he never 3-putt.