Jim Austin's Vermonter at Large
Jim Austin
Jim Austin
is a freelance writer from Putney, Vermont.

His previous columns are archived HERE.

Posted 11.12.08


From abomination to Obama-nation

PUTNEY, VT | At this writing our new President-elect is madly signing up advisors and cabinet members. His choice for Chief of Staff is Ron Emanuel. Apparently he is Jewish and this has the Middle East flipping out. Still, Mr. Emanuel knows his way around Washington and is known to be a real ball buster.

As Ricky Nelson said in his 1972 hit record "Garden Party",; "Ya can't please everyone so ya got to please yourself."

I have a few suggestions for our new Prez that might make him and us feel good about his Presidency.

Barack, you really will feel better if you take a shot or two at McCain and Palin. They looked high and (mostly) low for some dirt to dish on you and could only find a brief association with former domestic terrorist William Ayers.

I think you should appoint Ayers Secretary of the Department of Homeland Security. You'd get rid of that "Skeletor" look-alike Michael Chertoff for a start and who better to protect our country from "mad bombers" than a guy who used to be one?

Arrest Bush, Cheney, Bolton, Gonzalez, and Ryan Seacrest. Sail them all down to Guantanamo and waterboard the bejabers out of all of them until they admit that waterboarding is torture. Seacrest probably doesn't deserve this but anyone who describes himself as a "celebrity wrangler" should be tortured in some fashion. Maybe make him read a book by Thomas Hardy.

After this, close Guantanamo and take the lot of them on a tour of the CIA's secret prisons around the world. Make them use their own air miles to pay for the flights.

Give Hilary a cabinet post, doesn't matter which one. Introduce her to foreign dignitaries as "my bitch."

Tell everyone you want to have Sarah Palin chair a committee on offshore drilling.

"After all", you should say, "who knows more about drilling than Sarah, I mean five kids, gimme a break, and don't they have cable in Alaska?"

The word after the election was that Sarah didn't know whether Africa was a country or a continent and couldn't name the three countries in North America. I'll bet she knows where Kenya is now.

Refer to your Press Secretary and advisory staff as "your posse."

Now that Barack has all the advice he needs for the next eight years I'd like to address my African-American fellow citizens.

"What the hell is wrong with you people?" You came to the polls in unprecedented numbers to vote for Barack Obama. I'm sure some of you voted for him because he is an African-American but like most of us you voted for him because he is clearly the best man for the job. You watched as the majority of white voters in this country cast their ballots for a black man. We did that because he was the better by miles that the old white geezer.

We ignored his race. How could you, black citizens of California show up at the polls, vote for a black man, then vote YES on Proposition 8 and strip the right (rite?) of marriage away from your state's gay minority.

Doesn't the irony of it all just get right up in your face and scream "WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?" Didn't over 200 years of brutal oppression teach you people anything?

A while back I wrote about pro golfer mega-millionaire Vijay Singh. I was whomper-jawed when he refused to play golf in a tournament because they had invited LPGA champion Annika Sorenstan to participate. This imbecile would have been carrying the clubs for the other pros if better people than him hadn't demanded he be afforded the same rights as every other pro. Do you see where I'm going here African-America?

Finally we showed that the majority of us care more for the man than his race. People of California, on the other hand, are a disgrace to the nation and the black people who, exit polls show, voted overwhelmingly to ban gay marriage should be ashamed of themselves. I hope I'm alive to see the first gay President of the United States. Who will we disenfranchise then?

* This headline appeared in the 11/08/08 issue of VermontŐs Brattleboro Reformer in an article by Kim Butts. I wish I had thought of it.