Jim Austin's Vermonter at Large
Jim Austin
Jim Austin
is a freelance writer from Putney, Vermont.

His previous columns are archived HERE.

Posted 07.29.02


Report card

Dear Former President and Mrs. Bush,

Your son, George W., has received his marks from his first term in office. We are thrilled to report that his grades in the White House far surpass those mediocre marks he received when he received his degree in cheerleading at Yale.

He has received an A in Christian Studies by virtue of his unbridled love for Jesus Christ and none other.

He began by appointing John Ashcroft, a steel-belted radical of the Pentecostal church, as Attorney General. He went on to announce his 'faith-based' charities wherein he intended to funnel U.S. tax dollars into the coffers of religious institutions. This was curtailed when George found out that he couldn't just enrich Christians in general and Texas Baptists in particular.

It was dropped. Not his fault though.

The next chance he had he pushed for school vouchers.

This program, as you know, denies federal funds to our public school system in order to provide money to those who wish to send their kids to Texas Baptist educational institutions. Unfortunately he will soon discover that the vouchers may be eligible for tuition fees for the Sacred Church of the Blue-Tongued Skink and other more esoteric religions. Definitely an A for effort though.

Next Georgie receives an A in business appreciation and animal husbandry. He has treated the pigs at Enron with such deference over the years and during their current problems that he may well go down with them in the next election.

His Harken shenanigans showed that he was able to get right down in the mud with the other hogs and slop at the trough just like the bigger pigs. Had the SEC not been appointed by his daddy, George may have been subject to the laws of the land, but there's a silver spoon as well as a size-12 foot planted in Georgie's mouth.

He also gets high marks for trusting our largest industries. George admits that global warming is, in fact, a reality (not afraid to admit his mistakes) and in response to this he had lowered emission standards for coal-burning plants and other polluters.

Based on their proven track record of restraint George has left it up to business leaders to 'police themselves' when it comes to preserving the planet.

You can't buy that kind of trust. Well maybe you can actually.

Next George receives another A in Mideast relations. He has lead the way in showing the Palestinians the error of their ways. He points out that democracy is their best bet for a sovereign nation and advises them that their elected representative Gasser that's my baby Aright shouldn't be allowed to participate.

How can you have a democracy if just anyone can run? He also stood up for the Palestinians when his pal Ariel Sharon bombed an apartment building killing several children. "You probably shouldn't do that Ari," was Georgie's stern admonition. Ari replied, "My bad." Clearly George's point was well taken. That'll never happen again.

George gets another A in Technology studies.

Like scientific pioneers before him, he hasn't let criticism and incredulity block his quest for our very own missile defense shield. He is determined to stop missiles from raining down upon us from North Korea or Iraq or even hostile aliens from the moons of planet Zorgon.

He is spending our money feverishly to develop a good missile that will strike a bad missile up in outer space. George is working hard to set up a real test of the system by alienating the rest of the world, threatening to invade Iraq and naming North Korea as part of an Axis of Evil.

Shouldn't be long now. Good luck, George.

Finally another A for energy policy. As an oil man himself George knows that our rock solid relationship with Mideast oil-producing nations promises a century of cooperation and a vast unyielding supply of oil for years to come.

Critics who point out that Saudi Arabia funded the terrorist organization that was responsible for 9/11 are just nitpicking at a government who secretly loves us dearly. By surrounding himself with oil executives who advised him on energy policy he was doing what is right for America.

All A's -- how proud you must be.


Uncle Sam

Principal of P.S. U.S.A.