Jim Austin's Vermonter at Large
Jim Austin
Jim Austin
is a freelance writer from Putney, Vermont.

His previous columns are archived HERE.

Posted 07.03.02


Short Takes

Sometimes it feels like there's too much going on and so to avoid writing a book that you are probably unwilling to buy, I'll just shoot a few bullets your way.

Like most people I was relieved that Mike Tyson was taught a lesson by our tea-drinking British heavyweight champ Lennox Lewis. Iron Mike didn't make good on his threats to "reach into Lewis's head and squash his brain" or something like that. Instead Lewis reached into Mike's head.

Didn't find much apparently as Tyson lost every round and then went down like a spavined mullet in the eighth. His sucking up, smarmy attempt at sportsmanship afterwards not only didn't work it was downright creepy.

Jeez, Mike, don't try and change now. You can't make a Multi-million dollar purse out of a sow's ear.

* * *

Someone almost as nasty as Mike Tyson got caught with her manicured hand in the cookie jar last week. That's right, the sublime Ms. Martha Stewart, the doyen of décor, has been fingered for insider trading.

Her buddy Sam Waksal, a former InClone exec, allegedly tipped off Ms Martha about the upcoming devaluation of the biotech stock, which she managed to sell off before it dropped like a lead fingerbowl. Don't you know that these big shots just do this all the time, leaving us small time suckers to take it in the ear.

It would certainly be enchanting for this greedy squillionairess to do some hard time. Martha could show the inmates of Rahway Women's Center how to make potpourri to mask the sewage stench in their cells or fashion lovely wind chimes out of teeth knocked loose in prison riots. It's a good thing.

* * *

John Gotti died in jail due to a protracted bout of throat cancer. For some reason, the media and other lame brains put this murdering drug dealer on a pedestal. The "Teflon Don" was a media darling until one of his own flipped on him and sent him away for what turned out to be the remainder of his life.

* * *

Speaking of the media, that's who the Bishops are blaming for all the bad publicity they have been receiving over this annoying pedophile priest deal. The lot of them flew first class to Dallas this week to discuss ways to make this overblown problem go away.

This pack of leaderless, privileged old men are in the dark over what to do about this. The Catholic Church of America, their sacred cow, has been slaughtered and is currently on the barbecue with a side of curly fries. They do not recognize the sea change that is taking place in their old boys club.

Real Catholics are very angry about paying hush money to the parent's of abused children and they are even angrier with the Bishops trying to soft pedal the whole issue.

These old gasbags will eventually be forced to make some rules to govern the little pervert party they've been running. Their decisions will then go on to Rome where the Pope will tell them what they can do with their new rules. Great system.

* * *

I really enjoyed the NBA playoffs this year. Despite the brutally annoying commentary of Bill Walton, ("throw it down, big man, throw it down") the Sacramento Kings VS LA Lakers series was exciting.

The Kings were royally screwed (pun intended) by the officials in Game 6 but still, if they had made their free throws the "dynasty" talk would be stifled for good. After Sacramento bowed out the Lakers treated the New Jersey Nets like an intramural squad from a Mexican dry- cleaning college.

The West is looking like doing it again and again until Shaq retires. He dominates every player that has the nerve to defend against him. He can sing, too. Think he sounds like a goat being castrated? You tell him.

* * *

World Cup Soccer is back. Has it been four years already? I do remember some chick tearing her jersey off at the last tournament but that's about it. Apparently the U.S. made it into the second round after their 3-1 loss to Poland. Well, good luck to them. I hope they lose their way right into the finals.