Jim Austin's Vermonter at Large
Jim Austin
Jim Austin
is a freelance writer from Putney, Vermont.

His previous columns are archived HERE.

Posted 10.18.04


Sox or Talks?

Did you watch the ball game or the debate? Were you more interested in the outcome of a contest between a bunch of overpaid steroid freaks or a dialogue between two men vying for the title of "most powerful human on the planet"?

Ball game? Yeah, me too.

I did switch over to the debate between innings, though. Between the Sox choking during the game and me gagging during the debate I was on my way to acid reflux disease before 10 PM.

Speaking of the purple pill, I have a question. Since drug companies make more profits than big oil, why in the name of Jonas Salk do we get our flu vaccine from England?

Don't you think that those greedy bastards could cough up enough vaccine for this country, even if flu vaccine happens to be low profit? Maybe they are thinking that if enough people contract the flu they can sell a more expensive remedy. People will die this year of preventable flu.

Thanks Pfizer, Glaxo, Johnson and Johnson, Merck et al.

Did you know that our government is going to ask Canada for some of their flu vaccine supplies? I thought importing crappy Canadian drugs was a big risk to the American public?

Make up your mind Dubya, you oily flip-flopper.

Between innings 7-8, the President was chiding Kerry on his overly expensive health care plan. Why didn't Kerry come back with:

"Hey Jug-ears, you just spent 200 billion dollars on an unnecessary war and ran the deficit so high that we'll be paying for it until the sun burns out.". I guess they don't talk like that at Yale.

Sounds like Bill O'Reilly of Fox's "The O'Reilly Factor" has been a naughty boy. One of the show's producers has accused the blustering ideologue of sexual harassment.

This could turn out to be more fun than that bloated Republican pull-toy Rush Limbaugh and his pill-popping escapades. The charges sound pretty lame, though.

"He had phone-sex with me against my will."

Hmmm, did you consider hanging up or did he tie you to a chair and tape the phone to your head?

O'Reilly has shot back with a lawsuit of his own, all the while caterwauling like an alley cat with his tail in the blender. Doth he protest too much?

Time will tell. Not that this kind of charge will make any difference to O'Reilly's career. It didn't hurt the naughty nipper Marv Albert and the "toadying tonnage from hell" is still massaging the ditto heads.

Back to the Sox. You guys are killing us here. Where are the thunderbats that got them to the wild card? When I see A-Rod or Matsui coming to bat I have real fear in my soul.

When any of the Sox stars lurch into the box I feel only gloom and pessimism. Are they playing with wiffle bats? Does their leadoff batter have to look like a mental patient?

Kevin Millar not only looks like a demented Amish quilt maker, he's batting like Aunt Bea.

During Boston's six-game home stand against Baltimore and New York, Millar was 14-for-20 (.700) from the plate, with six home runs, 11 RBIs and nine runs scored. Did Giambi replace his steroids with Metamucil?

There's a new reality show coming up. "The Biggest Loser" is the punny title. NBC has scoured fast-food emporiums from across the nation and chosen contestants who could stand to lose a few tons.

Two teams of morbidly obese losers will use diet and exercise in an attempt to lose the most weight and win cash.

"The Weight is Over" bruits the commercials as clips of fatties breaking down and chowing muffins to the horror of teammates is aired. Chins quiver as tears cascade down the chubby cheeks of those who fail to lose pounds.

Is this show not a sure sign that the Apocalypse is upon us?

American entertainment is reduced to reveling in the misery of fat people. Don't expect the show to last too long. One stroke from an artery-clogged beluga attempting a sit-up and the show's producers can join O'Reilly in the dock.