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Jim Austin's Vermonter at Large
Jim Austin
Jim Austin
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is a freelance writer from Putney, Vermont.

His previous columns are archived HERE.

Posted 11.26.01

JIM AUSTIN

Thanks forů

I hope you all plan to take a major step toward morbid obesity and football overload this Thanksgiving. Here are the things I am thankful for.

Thanks for President Bush's chronic mispronunciation of "nuclear." If we are going to have a dictator, at least he should be amusing.

Thanks for my editor Kate Casa who has deleted the portions of my columns that would have offended Larry Flynt.

Thanks for my son Kurt who has revealed to me why my father's eyes used to bug out like organ stops when I was a teenager.

Thanks for the results of the recent election -- on The West Wing.

Thanks for NPR where I stole the quote above.

Thanks for Michael Jackson whose recent shenanigans in Germany prove beyond doubt that life exists on other planets.

Thanks for the Vermont's new "Legalize Marijuana Party" and congrats on the election of their leader Brian "Dubie."

Thanks for the lead swim fins sent to me by a certain reader in Westminster, Vermont.

Thanks for Anna Nicole Smith. If an obese, foul-mouthed, trailer-trash bimbo can marry a millionaire and have her own TV show, there is still hope for Ruth's sister.

Thanks for our Vermont winter that gives my golf-induced brain ulcers time to heal before the season begins again.

Thanks for the Detroit Lions who are close to celebrating 50 consecutive years without an NFL championship and for calling Barry Sander's bluff when he said he'd quit football if the Lions wouldn't bargain in good faith.

Thanks for Michael Jordan who gives all middle-aged warriors an excuse not to grow old gracefully.

Thanks for squillionaire Donald Trump's hideous comb-over that proves beyond doubt that no amount of money can buy a good weave.

Thanks for all Congressional Republicans whose existence makes bottom-feeding cephalopods seem cuddly and charitable.

Thanks for Afghanistan, the one country that has stupider gun laws than the USA. And thanks for Osama Bin Ashcroft who is dedicated to keeping us under the gun.

Thanks for "Fear Factor" on NBC where we can all see beautiful people eat pig's uteruses for money.

Thanks for Monday Night Football's John Madden whose success gives hope to all of us who are fat and irrelevant.

Thanks for my Hewlett Packard computer. Between the crashing and rebooting I've got plenty of time to check the pulse in my forehead.

Thanks for the Catholic Church hierarchy and the Muslim community in Nigeria for proving beyond a doubt that God has very little to do with organized religion.

Thanks for all those who insult, belittle, and rage at the liberal media. They are the main reason we persevere.

Thanks to "Hooked on Phonics" and spellcheck. They have made our President a better pronounciator. And thanks to "etch-a-sketch" for making him believe he is computer literate.

Thanks for the "Butterball Turkey Hotline" for showing us how to make our dressing moist.

Thanks for relaxed fit jeans after Thanksgiving dinner and thank God this column is finally ended.

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