Jim Austin's Vermonter at Large
Jim Austin
Jim Austin
is a freelance writer from Putney, Vermont.

His previous columns are archived HERE.

Posted 08.11.03


Three Ring Circus

"Vee are goink to pump you up Sacramento" Arnold spoke these very words on the Tonight Show after he announced his candidacy for governor of California. They haven't had a candidate this weird since the great tectonic upheaval of 1936.

That was when the continent tilted 45 degrees for two weeks and all the nuts rolled to the west coast. This is the state that brought us Senator Sonny Bono, Mayor Clint Eastwood, and of course Governor/President Reagan.

They aren't all crazed in the state of CA, however. There have been some important and progressive ideas to come out of the West Coast over the years.

Topless car detailing, Botox, boogie boards, implants, and those cars that bounce up and down at stop lights all came out of the Golden State.

These celebrity officials have had some bad luck both during and after their terms in office. After Senator Bono and one of the Kennedy cousins was killed within a day or two of each other by skiing into the pines, a terrorist message was received. "We will kill two celebrities per week unless the logging is stopped.". It was signed "The Trees" (do your own rimshot).

The smog-suckers could do worse than have Arnold as their "Governator."

Gray Davis the man with two last names has really been a bust. His accomplishments after years in office seem to rest on the raising of 89 kazillion dollars for his campaigns, which has pretty much turned Cali into a Disneyland for Special Interests. Hence the deficit, hence the power scandal, hence, hence, hence. He really seems like a jerk to boot.

Every word he utters sounds like it was massaged by a team of pollsters and meteorologists who calculate which way the wind is blowing on a 24-hour basis.

Is it impossible for politicians to just stand up and say what they think? Even if just once they would stand up and give us the straight story about policies that they implement at the behest of their special interest masters.

Wouldn't it be great if George Bush stood up and said:

"I hate like hell to write all those checks to the Saudis for oil. We all know that they turn around and give our greenbacks straight to the Bin Laden Airline Pilot School. If big oil weren't bankrolling my re-election I might look at some alternative energy sources for the future."

That's why I'm really keen on Howard Dean for President.

He appears to be a man who is willing to tell the truth occasionally. After all, he was in favor of both civil unions and a supporter of the National Rifle Association. Only a man who speaks from the heart would come out in favor of giving civil rights to one group and ensuring the deaths of countless citizens by supporting the other.

If you try to elect a man that tries to please everyone you will be electing a liar.

Getting back to Arnold for a moment, I think he may have a bit of Howard Dean in him. He's a Republican like every good zillionaire should be. That's honest. However he supports a woman's right to choose to have an abortion or not and a gay person's right to not be treated like an African in Mobile Alabama in the 50s.

That's pretty cool for a Republican. He also talks about screwing the special interests, which might be true since he sure doesn't need their money to finance his campaign.

Arnold will never be President like Ronny. You must be born in the U.S.A. to have that honor. Arnold was born in Leipenschraumgartenburg, Austria, I believe.

This recall election is going to be fun. Darrell Issa was the Republican dude who bankrolled the petition for recall. Apparently, it just got too weird for him so he withdrew his name at a recent press conference, then started to cry.

It will come down to Arnold versus Lieutenant Governor Cruz Bustamante, who is sticking a finger in his former boss's eye by running against him in the recall election.

Can the Hispanic candidate get out the Latino vote and defeat the star power of Arnold?

Will Gary Coleman have an impact by garnering the African-American-Dwarf vote?

Will Larry Flynt offer free breast implants for every vote? Actually most California voters have them already so that won't work.

Buckle up America the circus is in town.