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Jim Austin's Vermonter at Large
Jim Austin
Jim Austin
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is a freelance writer from Putney, Vermont.

His previous columns are archived HERE.

Posted 04.18.06

JIM AUSTIN

Politics as usual

It's time for a potpourri of political news to jumpstart your morning frustration rant. In an effort to be fair to our hard working reps I will give the good news followed by the bad news.

The good news is: The Vice President (at this writing) hasn't shot anyone in the face. That's about it for the good news.

On the bad news front we have Iraq.

It seems like every day a new lie or manipulation of facts turns up to indict our big fat liar President and his merry band of mendacious miscreants. When former ambassador Joseph Wilson came back from Niger with bad news for the administration, his wife Valerie Plame, a CIA undercover operative, was outed.

President Dimbulb said: "Well golly, if anyone in my administration done leaked anything I'll fire them."

Okay then, George, you better fire yourself.

George apparently declassified some secret material and leaked it to one of their press lackeys to refute Wilson and give credence to his war plans.

Then there was the little matter of the trailers found in Iraq early in the proceedings. They were the administration's "smoking gun" proving that Saddam Hussein, the other war criminal, was making weapons of mass destruction.

George hopped from one foot to the other squawking: "See, told ya so, told ya so."

Unfortunately it has come to light that the experts examining those trailers told the White House that they were not, as previously hoped, mobile chemical or biological labs.

They were just trailers.

George went with the "told ya so" press release anyway. Anonymous sources inside the White House said his pants actually caught fire.

Woe is us, who can we possibly find to replace this President and reclaim the good name of the GOP? Who can we get with integrity to do the job?

How about John McCain? He's a war hero who even embraces a few good liberal causes like campaign finance reform and sponsored a "We promise not to torture your butt if we catch you" bill in the Senate. Well, that bill passed by an overwhelming majority and the President even signed it.

Too bad the Pres, at the last minute, added a royal proviso stating that if we really, really had to it would be okay to torture.

Did John McCain stand up and reveal his revulsion at this backstabbing President? Indeed here was his chance to expose the slimy amoral bastard for what he is.

Did John remember how the President's men ran a series of attack ads claiming that he had conceived a black baby during the first GOP primaries in 2000?

McCain had, in fact, adopted a child from Bangladesh, a noble gesture that was perverted by the President. So what did John do? He rolled on his back, exposed his vitals, and asked us all to support the President.

Next he made plans to give a graduation speech at Liberty University whose President is evangelist hatemonger Jerry Falwell, a steaming pile of bigotry that McCain once said was "an agent of intolerance/"

John plans to run again and needs the Christian lunatics on his side, you see, and thought this would appeal to his base. And I do mean "base" in every sense of the word. Sickening, hypocritical, smarmy douchebag.

Sounds Presidential to me.

It looks like we won't have good old Tom Delay to kick around anymore. Tom has decided to resign from politics. Last week he said: "After many weeks of personal, prayerful thinking and analysis, I have come to the conclusion that it's time to close this public service chapter of my life,"

Yes, Tom, the public service chapter is closed. The new chapter will begin when you enter federal prison. Bring some lipstick Tom because a bad man named "Mangler" is going to be your new fiancé.

Local politics isn't much better.

Perhaps in honor of Tom Delay Vermont's Windham County Sheriff Sheila Prue is about to be indicted for misusing federal funds, charging her partner's cell phone bills to the government, getting cash advances and double payment from her government credit card, and being unable to account for tens of thousands of federal grant monies.

Her lawyer says she's being charged because Sheila is a woman and especially because she's a lesbian.

I actually thought stealing applied to gays, too. If that's her only defense I think she needs a new lawyer.

Lawyers -- don't they just make you want to have a shower?

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