Jim Austin's Vermonter at Large
Jim Austin
Jim Austin
is a freelance writer from Putney, Vermont.

His previous columns are archived HERE.

Posted 09.17.04


The Weak in Review

Let's rejoice over another little ray of sunshine brought to you by the GOP. I'm talking about the expiration of the ban on assault weapons.

Despite the fact that polls show that two-thirds of the population wants the ban extended and that both the Fraternal Order of Police and the International Association of Chiefs of Police showed up to lobby, the ban is over. Oh goodie, now everyone from the bi-polar guy that pushes the shopping cart around town to the depressed Goth kids at the high school can buy their own Uzi, AK-47 or "street sweeper" 12-gauge automatic cannon.

Well, it isn't all for the gun manufacturers you know. There will be more business for ER doctors, more coffin sales for funeral directors, and perhaps more classroom space available for the kids.

The timing could have been better since we are all in a tizzy about terrorists infiltrating our nuclear plants and other sensitive areas. Now Osama's boys can just hop in the Beamer and drive to a gun show. No need smuggle in arms, just buy them on site.

You didn't think the question the inevitable deluge of dead people entered into this did you? Not when Colt, Ruger, and Remington can stuff those politicians's war chest.

While we are all worked up about Iraq, hurricanes, and the race for the Presidency we just about forgot the hideous plight of Martha Stewart.

Martha, apparently, couldn't stand it either as she called a press conference and demanded to be put in jail. Wow, that's what you call jonesing for some airtime. What are the odds that she is confined in a jail with more mod cons than we have? I hope she gets her wish and soon.

Speaking of celebrity felons, it appears that Kobe is off the hook. I wonder if he has the capacity to be embarrassed? That may be the only price he has to pay for all of this. Still if you have it in you to cheat on your wife with other women and force yourself on people you don't even know, how much will a little embarrassment mean to you?

Now that Martha inveigled her way onto the TV, what about John Edwards? I'll bet you are not sure who I'm talking about, right?

He's running for Vice President with the big chin guy. He seems a bit confused though. Aren't VP's supposed to be anonymous "after" the election? Please tell me why Edwards, who is articulate and media friendly, won't at least try to win this election.

At least he is being consistent with the rest of the campaign, which has been the lamest, most impotent and forgettable since Admiral Stockdale's bid for VP on the Perot ticket. If Edwards begins the first VP debate with "Who am I and why am I here?" I won't be a bit surprised.

Bill Clinton has certainly raised awareness about the artery-clogging attributes of Wendys and MacDonalds. I sure hope Bill Clinton recovers soon. He really needs to help Big Chin and what's-his-name out with this campaign.

There are rumors that the reason Kerry and Co. are putting on such a weak show is to pave the way for Hilary in 2008. Imagine Bill back in the White House "and" with time on his hands. You can count on some butt-ugly interns if Hilary is elected to the Presidency, Paula Jones notwithstanding.