Tim Belford: Short Takes On Life
Tim Belford
Tim Belford
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Tim Belford is host of Quebec A.M. -- CBC Radio's popular English- language morning show (91.7 FM, 6-9, Mon.-Fri). He also is said to know a thing or three about wine.

Posted 02.03.03
Quebec City


Kiss me, I'm Canadian and I need practice

I don't know if the first girl I ever kissed rated my efforts on a scale of one to ten, or not.

It was a pretty fleeting affair. As a matter of fact, it was an ambush.

Myself and some of the other would-be Lotharios in the grade one class at MacArthur public school in Port Dalhousie decided to lay in wait for the girls to come out of the building.

When they did, we all rushed forward and aimed our puckered lips at the nearest feminine face.

If we did that today we'd probably be arrested and face court charges for sexual harassment.

We'd end up in a sensitivity training class for seven-year olds with sixty hours of community service tacked on for good measure.

The only reason I mention this at all is that, rightly or wrongly, it was my first step in learning how to kiss.

Which, apparently, is a badly underestimated skill in life's little merry-go-round.

A recent survey conducted by the people behind the Harlequin romances has found out that Canadian women are better kissers than Canadian men.

Not only that, but our women only rank 62 percent of us as great kissers.

Part of the problem seems to be that women look at it as an end in itself, whereas men think of kissing more as akin to a stopover on the way to Disney World.

The other thing, according to the survey, is that women are more amenable to getting help with their technique.

They'll consult any number of self-help books or magazines like Cosmopolitan.

As far as I know, there hasn't been much written on kissing in the last few issues of Field and stream.

And the likelihood of your average guy risking getting caught with a copy of Cosmo under his arm is pretty low.

So, where do we go?

According to the study, we don't even like to be kissed in the same places.

Apparently the number one choice for women was the neck. Now, since this is a family show I won't even get into where men say they prefer.

And by the way, tongue twisting, sloppy lips, and biting are the three big turn-offs.

And if you men out there are thinking you'll just learn as you go, forget it!

According to the survey, just 69 percent of women would give you a second chance. And then only if you were a quick learner.

I suppose this is why Mother Nature in her wisdom gives us so much time to grow up.

It also likely explains why I had so many relationships as a teenager that ended after two dates.

But it could be worse. We could be living in Finland.

According to the survey, the number one favorite spot for Finns to get kissed is on the belly.

Go figure.