Tim Belford: Short Takes On Life
Tim Belford
Tim Belford
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Tim Belford is host of Quebec A.M. -- CBC Radio's popular English- language morning show (91.7 FM, 6-9, Mon.-Fri). He also is said to know a thing or three about wine.

Posted 01.20.05
Quebec City


No WMDs and all that

Now we know. It's official. Saddam Hussein didn't have any stockpile of weapons of mass destruction.

To be fair, it didn't really take international arms inspectors or the US military to officially confirm this.

Once the invasion of Iraq started it was pretty obvious.

Faced with the world's mightiest army racing across his front yard at about ninety miles an hour and his own soldiers tossing their boots off to be able to retreat all that much faster, it stands to reason if Saddam had them, this would have been a pretty good time to use them.

Now it's not the first time the CIA has screwed up.

This is the same bunch that figured the Shah of Iran could handle a bunch of Muslim clerics. No sweat.

Back in the Sixties, taking a leaf from the Looney Tunes notebook, they also figured the old exploding cigar gag would do the trick with Fidel Castro.

Thus, it comes as no surprise that, according to recently released documents, the US intelligence community back in 1994 was looking into some pretty bizarre weapons.

Take for example the little chemical gem that was designed to attract "annoying creatures" to the enemy and make them - the creatures - aggressive and annoying.

This would include bees, rodents, and larger animals.

Given we're talking about Iraq here, by larger animals I guess they probably mean camels or goats.

Nothing like sharing your dugout with a flea-ridden dromedary.

The bright lights in the cloak and dagger world also considered a "low toxicity compound that would create severe and lasting halitosis."

This apparently would keep the enemy from blending in with the local population.

How this would work I'm not sure. Maybe the US military would have a squad of breath sniffers at each checkpoint or merely look for a spike in the sales of Listerine.

My favorite was the compound that could be sprayed on the enemy that would act as a strong aphrodisiac, preferably causing homosexual behaviour and thus ruining morale.

This would probably have worked until the enemy decided to field the world's first openly gay army, thus neutralizing the effects of the spray.

Besides, what would it have done to American morale to overrun an enemy position only to catch the opposition in flagrento delecti.

In all, the Pentagon actually spent $7.5 million to fund the project.

But if it makes you feel any better, Dan mcSweeney, spokesman for the Pentagon's lethal weapons directorate, denied any of the weapons had been developed adding, "admittedly, some of these are a bit non-traditional."

No kidding, Dan.