Tim Belford: Short Takes On Life
Tim Belford
Tim Belford
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Tim Belford is host of Quebec A.M. -- CBC Radio's popular English- language morning show (91.7 FM, 6-9, Mon.-Fri). He also is said to know a thing or three about wine.

Posted 10.06.01
Quebec City


Tim's sex column to start your week

Warning. The following deals with mature themes, adult topics and other naughty bits not suitable for children.

So here's five seconds to shoo them out of the room…

I want to talk about a recent pan-global survey dealing with world-wide sexual habits and mores.

It's not a topic I would normally concern myself with. But several aspects of the survey struck me as not only peculiar but of a nature that would stretch the credulity of even the most innocent of journalists.

The fact that the French, at 167 times per year, once again, 'claim' to have sex more often than anyone else is a given. Every nation needs its myths.

That the Dutch and the Danes claim to be in second and third place is a little more dubious.

What really concerns me, however, is that Canadians - on average - claim to be doing it 150 times a year…three times a week.

This leads to two inescapable conclusions.

One, most Canadians are lying.

Two, a small group of Canadians, in order to bring up the average, are going at it like rabbits.

Now, just for a moment, I'll suspend my skepticism and take the figure of 150 amorous sessions a year as the Gospel truth.

Continuing with the survey results, the next inescapable conclusion has to be, we aren't doing it very well.

You see, the one category Canadians are clear leaders in is that we claim to have the most people out there faking it.

Forty-six per cent of Canadians admit to pulling a Meg Ryan.

(You may remember the scene in When Harry met Sally when Ryan shows an incredulous Billy Crystal just how it's done complete with appropriate oohs and aahs and oh yes, yes, yes!) This is a full 20 percent more fakers than our nearest rival in the rest of the world!

Not only that, it's not just women who, for what ever reason, just want to get it over and done with.

Apparently 12 per cent of Canadian men fake their ultimate pleasure.

The survey doesn't say how.

A couple more items of note.

Canadians, along with Americans and Brits have more sex on the phone, by e-mail or wireless text gadget - 50 to 54 percent.

Which, I suppose would make faking it easier.

World-wide, 36 percent of survey respondents said they had fantasized about having sex with their best friend's partner.

But Canadians leap to the forefront when asked if they had ever actually done it with their best friend's mate . . . Beating the world average by two per cent.

The good news in all this is apparently faking it or doing it with your friends husband doesn't seem to be a cry for help.

Sixty-six per cent of Canadians say they are in fact happy with their sex life.

Just don't ask them to do it standing up. Only three per cent are acrobatic.