Random Acts of Observation
Dr. Anonymous

Dr. Anonymous

You'll never know where you'll find the good doctor. Perhaps in line behind you at WalMart. Dining at the neighboring table. Returning a corked bottle of wine to the local supermarket. Stumbling out of the dentist's chair. But wherever the good doctor perambulates, rest assured that all five senses will be focused on the immediate experience and ready to assimilate any tainted data for another random act of observation...
Posted 07.26.05
Somewhere in North America


Pssst! Need any weed killer? Cheap wine? What?

There is illicit trade going on right in your neighborhood ,dear Quebecers. Perhaps you've noticed furtive discussions between Mr. Smith and Mr. Tremblay going on across the street or overheard a conversation similar to this: "Psst…got any of the good stuff? I could use at least two kilos and my neighbor wants three." "Donnez moi cinq paquets, svp,,,"

Just what are these home-owners doing and why is thy neighbor fertilizing his lawn by moonlight, you may wonder?

While your lawn looks like an abandoned lot overrun with all manner of weeds, the neighbor's is well manicured and oh so lovely. Clearly, Mr. Smith and Mr. Tremblay know something you don't about lawn maintenance and you suffer from lawn envy.

I endeavored to learn the secrets behind weed-free living and what I discovered reveals that most Quebecers are raising a middle finger to new provincial legislation and legislators.

In this province we count many things as sacred, among them our God-given right to own above-ground swimming pools, maintain impeccable lawns, and to smoke anywhere and anytime we like.

We proudly scoff at any attempt by government to regulate anything that threatens our individual freedoms and we will eat smoked meat kept at improper temperatures if we want to, Osti We'll flick our used cigarette butts in defiance of anti-smoking laws all over the streets while ignoring pool safety warnings and we'll travel to Ontario to buy our insecticide and pesticide-laden fertilizer if we want to.

If we desire 2,4-D then we'll procure 2,4-D from a province that wishes to sell it to us, thank you very much.

Ontario Walmart, Home Hardware, and Home Depot outlets are happy to cater to your monkey and our neighboring province is willing to accept tax revenues on many substances declared illegal in Quebec.

The thing is, increasingly, you don't have to venture far to get your stash. Good "stuff" is available on your block if you have connections and Mr. Smith and Mr. Tremblay are more than happy to provide you with all manner of products if you are willing to pay the price.

For a small surcharge that covers the cost of travel and gas in procurement and provides them with some of their own, your friendly neighbor will even provide free advice on how to properly use your acquired items.

Yes sir and Tabernac, one friendly neighbor is all it takes to collectively transform a previously dandelion-ridden block into a street of golf putting greens. Here in suburbia we collectively smoke tax-free "native brand" cigarettes, drink good Aussie Shiraz from the LCBO that gladly offer Ontario prices far lower than our own SAQ, and "fertilize" at early dawn before the green police make their rounds.

In fact, the only Ontario product we can't get on our street these days is something we all covet very much. Unfortunately, we still have to drive a few clicks to get our own cheap gas until the neighbor decides he can procure that, too, in the future. I suspect we won't have to wait much longer somehow…