How to dump a boyfriend

Posted 10.12.04

We've all felt it. You know, when your feelings for your supposed loved one turn into the same feelings you have for the kid whose voice hasn't yet changed, and who hasn't stopped obsessing over you since you picked him for a reading partner out of pity in the third grade.

Maybe it's your sudden realization that his huge lack of intelligence far outweighs his physical similarities to Brad Pitt. Or maybe it's his inability to remember the way you spell your name, or the day you had cleared all of your plans.

Whatever the reason for your breakup, it must always be done with class, and careful thought.

Before you get your heart set on breaking up with the once irreplaceable "Mr. Right," it's imperative to make sure you are making the right decision.

Suppose you and he were the best of friends and you didn't realize his lack of dating knowledge until the sparks started flying between the two of you. A harsh breakup could mean that the two of you no longer share that much-treasured friendship.

Or perhaps Ryan, the amazingly good looking transfer student, has won your heart and your "beau" is the only thing keeping your lips from his.

Would you be hurt if you were dumped on those grounds?

Bottom line -- make sure your reasoning is clear and you are able to give a logical explanation as to why you are leaving him in the dust.

Although we are living in the 21st century, e-mail is certainly not appropriate for a breakup.

Sure, "breakups.com" may have some wonderful pre-written breakup scripts, but ladies, if he is really so terrible then breaking up with him in person should be a piece of cake.

A nice quiet table in the corner of Starbucks can eliminate any yelling, and after he leaves, you could possibly even pick up the cutie writing poetry at the table next to you.

When talking, if possible, try to avoid this line, "Listen (his name here), you're really hot, I mean that's what first attracted me to you. It's just that you are so, well, dumb, inconsiderate, stuck up, and thoughtless. So, to say that I don't want to speak to you or even see you anymore is an understatement."

Instead, go for the obvious yet thoughtful route, "(his name), you are a great guy but I feel like I am holding you back from sports and other girls. I would love to be friends with you and please don't think this is because of anything you said or did; it's just me."

There is clearly a mature and considerate way to break up and mastering that art can take some time and practice.

Don't panic if, while driving home, you realize that your feelings of hatred have seemingly disappeared and you think you may have just made the biggest mistake of your life. In no time at all you will realize that, in fact, you did make the right decision, and that life will go on.

What happens if your once obsessive feelings toward him have completely faded and you now are faced with the uncontrollable urge to share with everyone you know that the only reason he stopped sucking his thumb was because of the headgear he has to wear every night? Be respectful and considerate long after the two of you are no longer an item.

Most likely, at some point in your dating career, you will either choose the wrong boyfriend or the wrong boyfriend to break up with. It's nearly unavoidable even under the best of circumstances.

The key, however, to a successful and hopefully "hurt-less" breakup is in its careful orchestration. Once you have mastered the art of breaking up, undoing your mistakes will be easier and could quite possibly be humorous and fun.

Copyright © 2004 Cait/Log Cabin Chronicles/10.04