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The Gallivanting Gourmand
Greg Duncan
Greg Duncan
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is a freelance writer based in the Montreal region. He is particularly keen about good food. In his day job, Greg is the executive director of the Quebec Community Newspapers Association.

His previous columns are archived HERE.

Posted 08.26.03
Montreal

GREG DUNCAN

Those Damned Squirrels

I aint happy. In fact I am down-right ornery 'bout my garlic crop.

My purdy l'il stinkin' roses have plum gone missin' and I'm fixin' to rassle the no good varmint that raided my booty. Yep, thar's a squirrel or skunk out thar that's gonna make a fine hat for the l'il missus.

Last week I surveyed my soon to be plucked row of#1 quality garlic and found all to be ripe and ready. Large stems sprouted from the soil and fragrant garlic flowers had dried to golden promise. I figured another week of curing in the dirt would do no harm.

Oh, how wrong I was. Yesterday was planned as harvest day and a good bruschetta along with a pesto sauce were on the menu. You can imagine my horror then when I happened on to the scene of the crime. Nary a bulb to be found

Creeping strawberry plants nearby had me thinking that I had somehow forgotten where they had been planted. I scanned and searched to no avail. You know that feeling you get when you can't find your car in the parking lot? You think you have simply forgotten where you parked it. If you are lucky, panic turns to relief when suddenly the car appears right where you left it.

Unfortunately, for this family we are now garlic poor and deprived. There is no way to identify the culprit or thief as I am sure my cloves are now safely squirreled away in a pre-winter stash a few yards away.

There is a lesson to be leaned here: You never ever clean and empty your bird feeder a week before harvest. This pisses off the squirrels that raid your feeder and sends them straight towards your garden for revengeful thievery.

I am now plotting the demise of the rodent who has been making its way to my feeder via a conveniently placed hydro line. The rascal is now destined for the table. Perhaps its garlic-infused liver shall make a dandy supper. me thinks.

I had intended on sharing a garlic recipe with you, beloved readers, but am too pissed off to go on. My trust in fellow creatures has been shattered and, for this week at least, I want to wallow and share my misery. I've been ripped off and unfortunately so have you. Email me at gregduncan@sympatico.caif you are being raided and have a similar garden harvest crime to report and share.

%#&*#%#! Squirrels!

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