Log Cabin Chronicles

greg duncan

© 1998 John Mahoney

The Gallivanting Gourmand



Think hot. Think hot and spicy. What comes to mind? I guarantee your mind has settled on either food or sex , or if you are particularly naughty, both.

There is a reason that a certain all-girl band is going under the moniker Spice and it ain't because they have a penchant for spicy foods. Let me assure you that the Spice Girls are indeed spicy and some might even agree that they are hot.

You knew that I would not be able to resist mentioning them in this column forever didn't you, and why not? I've been treating myself and others to Spice Girls Bubble Gum for weeks now, and I can tell you that the temporary tattoos that come with each piece were a big hit at a recent newspaper convention, and at my daughter's seventh birthday party, where boys and girls wore them proudly. In fact, at the birthday there was so much Spice Girl paraphernalia that I should have served up a spice cake adorned with seven candles.

If the Spice Girls were real marketers, they would not be content to lend their personas to such usual items as Barbies and lunch boxes. They would see fit to have a line of spicy concoctions - perhaps even have hot sauces with their faces and names on them.

Baby Spice sauce would be for mild and less experienced palates, while Scary Spice would serve up a sauce that is quite simply scary hot.

Ginger Spice sauce would contain (what else?) a hint of ginger with a full-bodied tartness. Posh sauce would be for more discriminating, sophisticated individuals who crave something quite saucy. Sporty sauce would contain performance-enhancing spices and a touch of Viagra.

A great idea that, if I were their manager, I would insist on before The Back Street Boys do something similar.

The problem is there is already an enterprising individual who has created a line of hot sauces so hot and spicy that it may be a bit risky for me to mention them here.

hot sauces I found five such hot sauces in a shop that will remain secret until I've seen all the naughty labels and sampled all the hot stuff. Then perhaps, I will reveal its location to those readers who promise not to start selling the stuff themselves. I want to be the purveyor of such items. Here then is a list of the five sauces I found and purchased.

One hot sauce is called The Ultimate Burn and its description reads: "This brazen lady has no cholesterol and zero calories. Prepare to strip as the heat goes up. Your endorphins will flow freely, while your senses bask in the fire of pure unadulterated pleasure." The model on the bottle sports a bikini top that may be scratched to reveal what's underneath.

Another hot sauce is called Death Sauce and comes with a miniature skull key chain attached to it. It claims that it will make you feel alive. Quite tame, I think, and not nearly saucy enough.

Bottle three is called Fifi's Nasty Little Secret: " She doesn't do windows, dust, or mop. So what talents are bottled up inside this pretty little miss? You'll experience pure heated passion when she opens up to you and pours out her nasty little secret."

Yet another sauce is called Bad Girls in Heat. Its label states: "You should have stayed on the interstate. These buxom beauties would settle for just a lift, but they wanna take you for a ride, guaranteed to overheat more than just your engine."

The last bottle is not sexy at all and depicts a fellow sitting on the throne in an outhouse that is being blown sky-high. This island jerk hot sauce is aptly named Rectal Rocket Fuel. It lists Habanero and Scotch Bonnet peppers as ingredients - even though Habeneros and Scotch Bonnets are actually the same pepper, so it must be hot if they're going to list it twice. I will only try this one close to home.

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Copyright © 1998 Greg Duncan/Log Cabin Chronicles/8.98