Ross Murray's Border Report
Ross Murray
is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, Quebec. You can reach him at
Posted 03.01.16
Stanstead, Quebec


Answers from the press conference

"Well, obviously we would have liked things to go a little differently out there today. We came prepared, we had the training, all the robot warriors were in place, but sometimes there are things you can't control, like the weather and gastrointestinal discomfort. I'm proud of the work we did. I don't think anyone should hang their head. Hold their nose, maybe, but definitely not hang their head."

"No, no, I don't think that's right at all. You see, we came to do the job. That was why we were here. To get the job done. But sometimes the job does you. Or sometimes you do the job, the job does you, then somebody asks, 'What exactly were you and the job doing?' and then you and the job just look at each other, embarrassed and awkward. There's no moving forward after that, because you and the job lose all respect for each other, and next thing you know you're out of a job. Then what do you do? Exactly."

"Periodontal surgery at first, but later it was a full set of false teeth. Follow-up? Yes, because of gnawing on the anvils, as I've explained."

"This guy. This guy right here. My brother. Not literally. I mean look at us, obviously. But this guy is my brother from another postal code. We've been through a lot together. We even washed dishes together. Remember that time? Ma-a-a-an, the suds! Without him, I don't know where I'd be today. Probably in jail. Or hosting a radio call-in show. You never know with these things. I'm going to hug him right now and you can take pictures. Here we go. Mmmmm, nuzzly..."

"I'll answer your second question first: Because of the wormhole. As for your first question, we gave it 110 percent, and I think it was that extra 10 percent that might have been the problem. I mean you can only give 100 percent - - that's all of it. There's nothing after that. If you can give more than that, well, that becomes your 100 percent, your capacity. It's a constantly moving yardstick, that 100 percent. You might stretch it to, say, 101 percent or even 102 percent, but after that you're entering into the realm of physical impossibility. Unless it's a bonus question on a math test, then you can get 110 percent. But for what we did, I think giving 110 percent was a mistake because we ended up violating the laws of time and space, which leads me back to your second question. And on a side note: I'd like to offer my condolences to the family of the reporter from WFTN whose face was turned inside out."

"I don't know if 'pathetic' is the right word. I prefer to think of it as 'Salinger-esque.'"

"Look, I've told you guys countless times. I've told you, our manager has told you, Cher has told you. It's all about the hair conditioner. Next question."

"THAT IS NOT HOW YOU BREED A LABRADOODLE! I'm sorry. That's a sensitive area for me."

"We have to rebuild. Simple as that. We need to go back, look at what we've done, learn from it, grow from it, write a memo about it, turn it into a script, workshop it, perform it off-Broadway, shop it around for a screen option, and finally, it goes without saying, have Michael Bolton sing the theme song for it. I think we can all agree that's the only sensible thing to do, given the number of infections."

"Hey. I like you. What are you doing later? That microphone really brings out your eyes. Oh sorry. Your eye."

"Look, I'll lay it out for you. If you want an omelet, you have to break some eggs. And if you want eggs, you need to go shopping. We went shopping today, all right. In retrospect, we probably should have planned ahead, made a list or something. Maybe even raised some hens in the back yard, then we wouldn't have had to go shopping at all. Unless, we wanted a ham omelet. Yeah, no, we could have raised pigs, too. But who would do the slaughtering? Not me, that's for sure! Anyway, if you go shopping for eggs like we did, without a list, you better not go on an empty stomach because you end up picking up all kinds of stuff you don't need. That's what happened today. I can't explain it any clearer than that. Anyone else hungry?"

"What's important now is that we keep doing the little things. Like Legos. Damn, I love Legos."