Ross Murray's Border Report
Ross Murray
Ross Murray
is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, Quebec. You can reach him at
Posted 05.26.06
Stanstead, Quebec


Trying to make census of it all

Thank you for filling out your 2006 Canadian Census. A reminder that the date upon which data should be based was May 16. If you have not yet completed your census, please do so as soon as possible.

If you fail to complete your census, a burly man named Irving will stop by your house and "help" you.

As a follow-up to the 2006 Census and to improve future statistics-divulging experiences, please take the time to complete the survey below. All responses are confidential, except for Question 9, which our employees are likely to show around the office and laugh and laugh and laugh.

1. How would you describe the 2006 Census?
a) Easy
b) Complicated
c) Flat
d) Paper-y
e) Slightly piquant with hints of cinnamon and tobacco

2. The nature of the questions in the census were:
a) Innocuous
b) Intrusive
c) Inquisitive
d) Indonesian
e) In a gadda da vida

3. I filled out the 2006 Census:
a) Myself
b) With my spouse
c) With a pencil
d) Under the influence
e) While muttering under my breath

4. Are you worried about the U.S. government gaining access to information gathered in the 2006 Census?
a) Yes (If so, go to Question 5)
b) No (If so, you're less paranoid than the people who answered "a")

5. What information do you think the U.S. might possibly gain from 2006 Census information?
a) Evidence of Canada's dependency on Bic pens
b) Evidence that Toronto, Montreal and Vancouver are gathering points for hundreds of thousands, if not millions of people - good places for terrorists to hide
c) Evidence that Canadians pay cheaper rent than Americans - another incentive to invade
d) Evidence that Canada is harbouring homosexuals, immigrants, the French, abortionists, liberal media types, comedians and other undesirables
e) The real DaVinci Code

6. Did you lie on your census about your ability to speak both French and English well enough to have a conversation?
a) No (If so, go to Question 8)
b) Yes (If so, we're really starting to wonder about you)

7. If you answered B to Question 6 and you are in fact bilingual, which response most closely reflects the reason why you lied:
a) If I say I'm bilingual, the federal government will cut funding for minority language services.
b) If I say I'm bilingual, Videotron will cut off my minority language cable service.
c) I read it in a spam email and I do everything my computer tells me to do, which is also why I have a ton of no-name Viagra for sale.
d) A friend of a friend of a friend said if I checked that box, the government would ship me to Afghanistan.
e) I'm just ornery.

8. Did you lie about anything else in the 2006 Census?
a) No.
b) Income: the government might make me pay taxes on it
c) Occupation: Not sure if it's legal
d) Amount of time looking after children: I don't want no social workers checking up on me
e) Gender: it gave me a quiet thrill

9. How would you describe the personal hygiene of the Census worker who came to your house?
a) Neat
b) Bearable
c) Wearing a lot of Axe body spray; clearly covering up "problem"
d) I had to breathe through my mouth
e) Plants died

10. What questions would you like to see on future census?
a) How many guns do you own? i) none ii) one iii) two to five iv) five to ten v) none of your damn business!
b) Are you harbouring terrorists? i) yes ii) no
c) Are you sure? i) yes ii) no
d) If I had a hammer, I'd: i) hammer in the morning ii) hammer in the evening
e) The plural of "census" is: i) censi ii) censuses iii) censisimo iv) censimilla