Ross Murray's Border Report
Ross Murray
is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, Quebec. You can reach him at
Posted 06.23.08
Stanstead, Quebec


Copy that. Not.

STANSTEAD, QC | In accordance with Canada's proposed new copyright legislation, please read and consent to the following prior to reading this week's column:

- I declare that I legally purchased the copy of the newspaper wherein this column is published and did not swipe it off a neighbour's doorstep or read it while standing in the pharmacy checkout line.

- I agree that I will read this column only once. If I wish to read it again, I must purchase a fresh copy of said newspaper wherein this column is published.

- I agree that if I wish to read it out loud to my dog, Mr. Mange, who is the only companion that makes this empty existence bearable, I must purchase a fresh copy on his behalf.

- I will not pass on my copy to a neighbour, friend, co-worker, relative, illegal alien, Green Party member, Stéphane Dion, etc., even if the column turns out to be a heartbreaking work of staggering genius.

- I will not use the phrase "heartbreaking work of staggering genius" because this is the copyrighted title of a memoir by American author David Eggers.

- I declare that, having read the phrase "heartbreaking work of staggering genius" in the above sentence, I now owe and will with due haste mail David Eggers his rightfully owed $0.002.

- Just to be clear, I understand that passing on my copy of this delightfully zany column to a second party is a violation of copyright, even if doing so inspires the second party in subsequent weeks to go out and purchase his or her own copy, seeing as how the columnist is just so darned irresistible.

- I declare that my copy of this column is for personal use and purely for light-hearted enjoyment and not for commercial purposes. I will not, for example, cut out the words and letters in this column to craft a ransom letter.

- I understand that I may make one (1) photocopy/scan of this column as a backup in the event that I spill my Frosted Fakes on my original copy. Notwithstanding the preceding, I also understand that this newspaper column has been rigged with a copy-protection mechanism that will cause photocopiers/scanners to output only copies of Richard Nixon circa 1963 if any attempt is made to photocopy/scan this column. Any attempt to override this mechanism, even for a backup copy, will result in a $20,000 fine and a visit from a guy named Louie the Stump.

- I understand that this fine will be paid to the government and not to the newspaper columnist who, as you read this, is wearing a worn-out Loverboy T-shirt purchased in 1984, a shirt he still wears because he can't afford new clothes, not to mention the fact that he is so desperate for validation that he would be thrilled to have anyone reading his column, even if it was a thrice-read copy.

- I agree that if I sell my house, I will leave no copies of this column lying around in the attic, in drawers, in birdcages, etc.

- I will not set this column to music, especially the music of Andrew Lloyd Weber.

- I will, however, cradle this column in my arms, coo lovingly to the column and sing "The Teddy Bear's Picnic" in a low soothing voice to the column.

- If I am reading this column on the Internet, I agree to order a copy of the print version from the publisher, whose address is 324 Dragonboat Ally, St-Chochesterfestershire, Quebec, J0J 8J8.

- I agree and accept that the Canadian government should willfully interfere with its citizens' consumer purchases in its unabashed efforts to pander to the American entertainment mega-industry. I am ready and willing to accept whatever invasion of privacy or fines come my way.

And now, on to this week's column:

What a load of crappyright.