Ross Murray's Border Report
Ross Murray
is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, Quebec. You can reach him at
Posted 09.24.05
Stanstead, Quebec


A tale to sink your teeth into

Thank you for calling FairyDent, the automated tooth-retrieval service, linking harried parents and airy fairies since 2003.

For service in English, press 1.

For service in French, press 2.

For service in Elfin, press 3.

Your call is important to us. To ensure quality control and customer satisfaction, your call may be monitored by delicate pixies floating around your head just outside your line of vision.

If you know the extension of the fairy you would like to reach, squeeze your eyes shut tight and wish it with all your heart now.

If you would like to consult the directory, please imitate the sound of the wind whispering backwards through the willows on a cool spring night lit with magical fireflies followed by the pound key.

If you are trying to reach Barbie(Ş), please hang up and try your call again.

If you are calling to request a tooth retrieval, press 1.

If you are calling to report an uncollected tooth, press 2.

If you are a non-believer, please hang up now and call again when you do believe in fairies, you do, you do.

Thank you for selecting 1.

FairyDent specializes in the overnight retrieval of baby teeth and accidentally lost adult teeth. Each highly trained Tooth Retrieval Specialist is StarShine(¨) certified to fly, flit and shimmer with care and discretion.

Our fairies lovingly collect each tooth and return them to FairyDent processing centres where they are reconditioned as sidewalk chalk, kitty litter and microwave popcorn.

Please note that FairyDent is no longer associated with Bunny Corp.

FairyDent does not guarantee a fixed rate per tooth. Rates are variable, based on the current market value of pixie dust and moonbeams.

For the current tooth rate, press 7.

To find out why a dime was good enough for a tooth when you were a kid but most certainly is not now, press 8.

To find out why your child received a dollar for his or her tooth while his or her best friend received two dollars, press 9.

To ensure effective retrieval and to help us secure the location of the tooth, please follow these steps:

If you know the DNA sequence of your child, please enter it now.

If you do not know the DNA sequence of your child, enter the number of freckles on your childŐs rosy left cheek now.

If you do not know how many freckles are on your childŐs rosy left cheek, please say your city, street address, name of child and colour of his or her bedroom at the tone.

Thank you.

The following instructions will help ensure effective retrieval of your tooth.

Wrap the tooth in a piece of tissue paper, small fabric bag or container and place it under the pillow in order to prevent a lot of groping around and the muttering of fairy curse words.

FairyDent will collect teeth only when the child is fully asleep. Should your child inadvertently spy one of our Tooth Retrieval Specialists, said fairy will be instantly transformed to look like one of the childŐs parents and say something plausible like ÔJust looking for the cat.Ő

If your child has misplaced the lost tooth, please write the following message on a note and insert it under the pillow:

Fairy, fairy burning bright
In the bedroom of the night
I cannot find my lost incisor
Be a dear and leave a fiver

Please note that while FairyDent has a 98 percent success rate, we do not guarantee overnight retrieval. In the event that the tooth-monetary transaction does not occur and your child wakes up to discover through bitter tears that his or her tooth is still there, FairyDent will not be held responsible for any trauma, rationalizations or backpedaling. Retrieval failure may be the result of many factors, most likely the fact that you are simply a bad parent.

FairyDent wishes you a magical good night.