Ross Murray's Border Report
Ross Murray
is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, Quebec. You can reach him at
Posted 12.01.15
Stanstead, Quebec


50 phrases I didn't hear on my 50th birthday

"Preternaturally young looking"

"50 is the new 49."

"How lucky to have been born in the sixties but have absolutely no memories of them."


"Take the day off."

"Uncannily virile"

"Not everyone is so confident in their firmly established fashion choices year after year, but you…"

"Prime Minister Trudeau on Line 1."

"So you're the guy who told Madonna, 'Try the cones..."

"The last 10 years sure have crawled by, eh?"

"I don't care what anyone says, the skin on your neck couldn't possibly be described as 'crepe-like.'"

"No, keep singing Toto's greatest hits. I like it!"

"Career opportunities"

"I know what'll make you feel better: look up your hugely successful classmates on Facebook."

"Excuse me, aren't you Bradley Cooper?"

"Sorry, I can't change a hundred-dollar bill."

A certain gravitas

"Swear to God, Ross, I thought you were dead!"

"Honestly, you can never have too many moles."

"Goodie bags"

"No, really, I like the slippers."

"Let's skip."

"It gets better."

"You should totally go on SnapChat, sir."

"My recommendation to you: more saturated fats."

"Can I see some ID, please?"

"Trump-like poise"

"Those journal entries from your teen years, you should definitely publish them."

"There's something sexy about a man in progressive lenses."

"I'd like to personally thank you and everyone of your generation for fulfilling your promise to make the world a better place."

"Wanna make out?"

"This is a golden era for middle-aged white guys."

"Your liver spots are coming in nicely."

"Grey is good."

"The colon of a 20-year-old"

"I can't wait to be 50!"

"Tell us again about glass milk bottles and home delivery."

"No, I don't think you need to have that checked."

"Most people are just hitting their creative peak at 50." "I wouldn't exactly use the word 'shriveled.'"

"My God, it's 3 in the morning! Would you stop dancing and go to bed!"

"People Magazine's Sexiest Man Alive!"

""AARP Magazine's Sexiest Man Alive!"


"No, it's not your fault; I was mumbling."

"Oh, that's better. It was just the way the light was hitting your face."

"Really, people, those 'Depends' jokes are unacceptable."

"Go ahead. Self-pity is adorable!"

"Grow a ponytail? Absolutely."

"Mr. Murray, the parade is about to begin."