Ross Murray's Border Report
Ross Murray
is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, Quebec. You can reach him at
Posted 11.14.09
Stanstead, Quebec


And don't forget the imported gourmet pretzels...

From: Ross Murray

To: All

Subject: Fundraiser time!

Hello everybody!

I'm writing to let you know that my daughter will once again be making the rounds with her Crapmore Gift Fundraiser Catalogue. This year, the money raised will help pay for her class field trip to the Musée des excursions éducatifs in Rimouski. Yup, sure glad public education is free (ha-ha)...

As with the school's previous fundraisers for lycanthrope research, hair-disaster relief, the Make-A-Knish Foundation and the Photocopy Fee Reduction Fund, my daughter will be hitting up her grandparents along with those neighbours and friends who we know can't say no (aka the usual suspects).

And, as always, I will be soliciting my co-workers. Since most of you are so busy (why else would everyone walk away so quickly whenever they see me coming?), I've taken the liberty of copying out just a few of the many Crapmore Gift selections in this year's catalogue.

Kapow! Microwave Popcorn

What do you get when you take the goodness of our famous gourmet Crapmore Popcorn and coat it with approval-pending food additives and chemicals? Kapow! Microwave popcorn with a bang! And sparks! And look at those colours! Wooo, I'm dizzy! Snack time and your microwave may never be the same! Box of 3 microwavable bags: $45 (Warning: may contain peanuts and sulphur.)

Handyman's Hootenanny

What to get the Mr. Fix-It in your life with a hankerin' for snackerin'? How about this decorative tin of mixed nuts and imported drill bits. Tin converts into a handy container for storing nails and broken teeth. $30. Bonus: With two Handyman's Hootenanny purchases receive a free Sausage and Spackle Sampler!

Belgian Chocolates

Lovingly hand-dipped gourmet bonbons, each with a rich chocolaty coating and a genuine tiny Belgian at the centre. Shipped to your home in a decorative wooden crate (two Belgians per crate plus applicable immigration papers). Some shrinkage may occur during transport. Not responsible for bite marks or Flemish folk songs. No refunds. Sorry: not available in Ontario. $639.99/pair

Loose Tea, I'm Home!

Oops! A small explosion at Crapmore Gifts resulted in all our bags of tea getting mixed up -- and we're passing all the tea-riffic combinations on to you! What flavours will be in your decorative envelope of finest imported, randomly scooped up tea? My Darjeeling Clementine? Duke of Earl Grey? Chai Carumba? Oolong Long Time Ago? No two shipments the same. (May contain Kapow! Popcorn and shrapnel.) $15.00 Smart Buyer's Tip: Shoppers who liked this also liked Fred & Ethyl Alcohol.*

The Big Ol' Tin O' Not Many Mints

If you crave excess packaging, than this Holiday Favourite is for you! Our Big Ol' Tin may be the size of Tammy Wynette's head but inside you'll find a tiny plastic air-filled bag containing a pittance of individually wrapped mints. Delicious and wasteful -- what the Holidays are all about! $20.

Floative Votives

Our handmade imported floating candles are handcrafted by Polynesian craftswomen who lovingly hand-dip and buff each candle by hand while they sing their traditional Polynesian candle-making song, Wicky Waxy Wanahoona Ho. (loosely translated: "We're Paid A Penny A Candle"). The candles are then hand-wrapped in decorative hand-painted baskets and hand-delivered to your door. (Warning: Do not burn candles in basket; do not make eye contact with delivery person.) Available in four delightful scents: jasmine, jasper, kamloops, and sudbury. Package of four: $36.

Muffin 'N' Stuffin'

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to stay on top of your seasonal cooking than by cooking turkey dinner and dessert all in one! Just open the container of Muffin 'N' Stuffin', add water, oil, eggs and sulphur, mix well, and stuff the batter into the cavity of your holiday turkey. Cook as directed and voila! Your guests will be amazed to the point of nausea! Muffins available in two delicious flavours: Chocolate Fieldberry Heaven or Giblets and Bran. 500 ml container: $25.

Don't forget to ask about our specials on Hookahs and Loofahs!