Ross Murray's Border Report
Ross Murray
Ross Murray
is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, Quebec. You can reach him at
Posted 09.14.05
Stanstead, Quebec


A man on a mission statement

By now, most people are familiar with my prowess as a business maven. Who can forget, for instance, my fabulous venture way back in the Nineties, "Tube-Steak in a Tube"? That company, as you'll no doubt recall, was bought out by a fair-trade cooperative known as Please God Make Him Stop Inc. But the legacy of the squeezable hotdog lives on.

One key to that and any venture's success is a solid mission statement. Without a mission statement, your company, organization or off-shore laundering scheme is just a shell, a mere amateurish lemonade stand. My "Tube-Steak" mission statement, for example, set the tone for the success that was to follow:

"Our goal is to facilitate the flavour delivery of only the choicest meat-like by-products through a squeezable value-added convenience device for those who demand mostly the best. Our products are manufactured according to the highest Central American standards."

See? Confidence and buzzwords, that's the name of the game. Makes you just want to rush out and invest in me, don't it?

Of course, it's not only business that can benefit from a strong mission statement. Personal growth can also be anchored by the positive energy and free-flowing cross-purposing that is the mission statement. Here are some of mine over the years. (I'd like to thank my mom for keeping these scrapbooked for me.)

6 months old

As the centre of the universe, we strive to eat only the blandest strained foodstuffs, the moistest mush, the finest formulas prepared under the most stringent sterilized conditions, and things we find in our nose. We operate according to the principle of "unconditional love," which guarantees nurturing, fresh nappies and the payment of future tuition fees. Our screaming fits are guaranteed to be within accepted norms to prevent permanent damage to hearing.

7 years old

We hold these truths to be self-evident: GI Joes with plastic hair are by far superior to afro GI Joe; sticky snow is crucial for making a decent snow fort; getting your bellybutton wet is the worst part about wading into the water; girls are gross. In our quest to achieve these operational targets, we set the highest standards for harmonious co-mingling with siblings, parents, cousins and those kids up the street our Mom would really prefer us not to play with but lets us anyway. Tenacity, perseverance, and forward-thinking are the guiding principles behind all our efforts to stay up past bedtime. We laugh at the word "bum."

16 years old

We… um, you know… want to be, um… challenge… getting rid of, like, acne… wearing a lot of black… sort of, like, parameters… Uh, will you go to the prom with us?... um…

23 years old

In the streamlined distillation of our revered founder, John Belushi, we incorporate the synergies of high alcohol intake and general randiness in everything we do. We are committed to engaging members of the opposite sex in the fundamental quasi-organic interplay of self-conscious poseur-ism and elemental ineptitude. Our long-term vision consists of scoring tickets to a wicked Dire Straits concert in the quest for an invigorating and bodacious bacchanal that will still have us home in time for our 10 a.m. shift at Dairy Queen. Party!!!

40 years old (pending)

Our commitment: providing for loved ones, being at peace with lost opportunities, getting the kids to ball practice on time and removing those creepy rogue hairs from ears and nostrils as soon as we see them. The functional duality of our work-and-home ethic is the coalescence of maturity and experience, untainted by the unquenchable need to buy a really fast car. In all our cross-functional endeavours, we guarantee we will embarrass our kids.