Ross Murray's Border Report
Ross Murray
Ross Murray
is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, Quebec. You can reach him at
Posted 01.02.07
Stanstead, Quebec


Yet another end-of-the year list

It's a new year, which means that columnists across the land have officially used up their year's supply of ideas. Thus - tada! - the end-of-year best/worst column. Why, it almost writes itself:

Best film
Fuji Pro 400H

Best Canadian poem
Donald Pembrooke of Tracadie, NS won the 2006 Governor-General's Award for Poem Written in Crayon for this piece entitled "Je Vais, Tu Vas, Il Va," which captures the innocence of youth and latent tyranny of French immersion programs. This poem was made possible through a $10,000 Canada Council grant and regulated doses of Ritalin.

Mon pays est dans la fenêtre
De ma tante
Et le stylo est dans la poubelle.
Mon dieu! Le pamplemousse est
Sur le rideau
Et je suis très gros, très gros.
Mais, où est le bagage?
Avec le chien de ma tante.
Ma tante, ma tante, ma tante.
Avec le chien de ma tante.

Best unused joke for this column
There's a thin line between bathing suit and birthday suit.

Worst unused joke for this column
But then again, nobody likes a sore looter.

The best of times
9:45 a.m., Tuesday, March 14. Come on, don't pretend you don't know what I'm talking about!

The worst of times
79 x 8.379645 x Chuck Norris

The Gilbert Hyatt Award for Best Local News Story That Wouldn't Die
The controversy over Mount Orford and the plan to rename it Mount Gilbert Hyatt. I mean, is nothing sacred?

Worst fast food trend
Dunkin' Wombats

Worst excuse
Short attention spans. It seems more and more people are using as an excuse their inability to pay attention for any length of time. It's something else we can blame on the Internet, I suppose. Why some people can't even finish a

Best dream
Marjorie Purmp of Battleford, Sask. dreamt she was a giant dandelion with the ability to transform all air into Chicken McNuggets. She was gobbling them up when Tom Jones appeared, festooned in garlands of Tammy Faye Baker's hair. They sang the theme to "The Love Boat," which inadvertently triggered the apocalypse, but in a good way. That's when Marjorie woke up and discovered her left leg was no longer an inch shorter than the right.

Worst political move
Would-be Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama's decision to use as his campaign song "Obama-bama-bo-bama, bonana-fanna-fo-fama, fee-fy-mo-mama, Obama!"

The best laid plans of mice and men
This is a tough category - there was the Dayton Mousetrap Summit, the formation of the International Anti-Cat League - but it would have to be the new athletes pavilion for the 2008 Beijing Olympics, which is a maze-like splendour redolent of Gorgonzola. There were concerns that the plans would go awry due to the language difficulties between the mice and the men, but scurrying, that universal language, broke down any barriers between man and rodent.

Best new game show/food
Dill or No Dill

Worst "Best Of" list
The jury's still out but we may have a winner.