Quebec grows up at
last
Posted 04.09.14
RICK BLUE
MONTREAL | I always found it ironic
that the Parti Quebecois claimed the 'Yes' side in their separation
referendum. They are the ones who reject the status quo. They are the
party of the 'No.'
Everybody's gotta
have a laugh (630)
MONTREAL | Kris Kristofferson once said
about the folksinger Ramblin' Jack Elliot that he wasn't called Ramblin'
Jack because he traveled a lot; he was called Ramblin' Jack because of
the way he talked. So to take a page out of Ramblin' Jack's book, I'd
like to ramble some thoughts about comedy.
Time for the gas
bubble to burst (615)
MONTREAL | The Leno joke goes like
this. Scientists have discovered the largest number in the Universe. And
they did it without using a computer. They did it by using a gas pump
and a Cadillac Escalade.
English Like
Me (700)
MONTREAL | Even though the English language is a key
to open the door into the international business community and the rest
of North America, Law 101 doggedly insists that the English language is
the enemy of Quebec, and by definition those who practice it -- Quebec's
unilingual anglophones.
The Crisis
Crisis (620)
MONTREAL | A neighbor of mine believes that
global warming is caused by the absence of pirates. Since there are not
many pirates left in the world and pirates are coolâ the world is
warming.
Canada's dirty
little secret? (660)
MONTREAL | The other day I was listening
to an ad on a station beamed across the border from Vermont. It was the
country music station from Malone, New York. The ad, for the Mohawk
Casino, was completely bilingual. It started in French and finished in
English. I realized that even though I live in Montreal, a supposed
bilingual city, hearing this mix of the two tongues on the air was a
shock.
An
incovenient winter (600)
MONTREAL | There is a new McDonald's
ad campaign using the slogan: "Cold is the new hot." They are
trying to sell us a new cold drink. In the ad they pretend they are
tired of people saying everything's "hot." So they want to
replace that superlative with "cold." Thus: "Cold is the
new hot."
A 21st
century Christmas (595)
MONTREAL | I am going to give my son
an educational toy to help teach him about life -- no matter how you put
it together, it will be wrong. I also bought him a book. I am sure he
will spend the next two days looking for where the batteries go. He
thinks that at Christmas we celebrate the birth of Duracell.
Turning Canadian
guilt into good times (575)
MONTREAL | I get the feeling,
perhaps you do too, that something big is happening. It's our dollar.
It's getting big! And we are getting bigger along with it.
Death by 'Booga
booga' -- Quebec's tribal drums are beating (575)
MONTREAL |
Tribal drums are beating all over Quebec. Can you hear them? The natives
are restless. They are covered with blue and white war paint. They dance
around the raging fires of nationalism. And on the fire is a large pot.
Inside the pot are two victims, an Allophone and an
Anglophone.
Double dipping in
and by the city (650)
MONTREAL | Perhaps you have noticed
that parking here is becoming more difficult all the time. It seems that
our city government seems to want to make it more and more expensive and
annoying to shop and entertain downtown. For instance, many meters only
give you two hours for six dollars. But you cannot see a movie in two
hours.
Premier Duceppe
and the partition of Quebec (635)
MONTREAL | This has always
been the Achilles heel of Quebec separatists. They see themselves as a
pure, homogenous, and unilingual nation inhabiting a single territory
called Quebec. So non-francophones within this territory have to be
regulated, assimilated, or declared not to exist.
Ricky Blue is a
Montreal-based humorist, singer, and writer.
The
uncomfortable sanctification of Ernie (660)
MONTREAL | There
was a moment at the beginning of the reception following Ernie ButlerÕs
funeral that broke the ice. A moment of silence for Ernie was suddenly
interrupted by a cell phone ring.
The
Let's-Ban-Everything Party (630)
MONTREAL | I remember that
in the past tolerance was a positive thing. I'm not referring to the
current, politically correct group-think regulations that are
misleadingly called "tolerance."
An unelectable
American vice president (625)
MONTREAL | Bill Clinton is the
best campaigner of his generation. He has charisma. He is very well
liked. And the vice presidential position is usually chosen based upon
the candidate's usefulness in winning the election.
Rap Radio, Talk
Radio (650)
MONTREAL | Maybe there is a link between rap
music and talk radio. Maybe talk radio is simply rap music for old
people. Like rap music, talk radio is not pretty.
The most wonderful
Canadian wonder of them all (645)
MONTREAL | But the only
"Wonder" given to our region was to Old Quebec City, a
revealing choice, a typical expression of the way English Canada sees
Quebec. It celebrates the Quebec that is safely tucked away in the past,
wearing costumes of the Filles du Roi and playing spoons.
One man's garage door
is another's bylaw infringement (660)
MONTREAL | A garage is
such a unique suburban invention. It is us. It is where we keep the car
in the winter and the bicycles and sports gear in the summer. Sure it
fills up, but at the end of each summer we have a garage sale.
Taxman, reward that
tree keeper (640)
If a Middle Eastern country, being a carbon
source, gets to pump it out of the ground, cash the cheques, and make
trouble, surely we, at the other end, should be able to reclaim it from
the atmosphere, store it, cash the cheques, and make peace.
Canada's Summer of
Love a forgotten ideal (635)
Canada is now no longer a
country of individuals, living equally under one set of laws and
regulations. It is rather a patchwork of groups, each claiming the
redress of historical grievances, special privileges for themselves, the
repression of those who "threaten" them, and ultimately,
greater access to the irresistible growing reservoir of tax
dollars.
The lovely
Belinda added so much drama to our boring Canadian political
life (630)
She had this big burly guy so wrapped around her
little finger that once, when he was supposed to be at a fundraising
golf tournament in the Maritimes, he was spotted walking with her on a
New York City street carrying an armload of packages. She had not only
seduced the toughest guy in the NHL - she had also taken him
shopping.
We who are not
them (665)
Mario Dumont played the identity card and won big
time. Because he is one of: (to borrow a phrase coined by Jacques
Parizeau on referendum night in 1995) "we who are us." I love
that phrase. It says so much, so succinctly. (Let's give the jolly old
separatist fart his due!)
A political
act of Quebec escapism (650)
I want to register a protest
vote. At first I think that not voting would do that. But that is not
really a protest vote, that's a non-vote. And I feel it is my civic duty
to vote. After all, if you are given a right and you do not use it, then
you deserve to lose it.
Quebec election a
lost cause (590)
Another Quebec election - whoopdeedoo! An
uplifting and intelligent period of new ideas and exciting solutions -
not! We are all locked in a prison cell of high government debt,
over-taxation, bureaucratic bumbling, and a litany of broken
promises.
Clothes make the
Don (600)
Every Saturday night millions of Canadians tune in
to Hockey Night in Canada, a genuine Canadian tradition. And for
many the highlight takes place right after the first period.
I don't want my boy
to go soldiering (580)
How can it make sense to send them to
a time-warped wasteland where they walk around as targets? We might as
well paint a bull's eye on each one of them. In that twisted, sick,
black hole of barbarism they can be blown up while they are handing
candies out to children.
Grass is definitely
greener in Alberta (580)
Recently, when I was in Calgary, a
man came up to me and said: "You guys are from Montreal,
right?" I answered in the affirmative. "What part?" I
told him the West Island. "Oh, I used to live in Pointe
Claire," he said. "How are things going back
there"?
The Year that was
(790)
Recently the Canadian government formally recognized the
Québécois nation; who have been planning their exit for
thirty years. Maybe this recognition is part of it. But what about the
Anglos? We may live on the reservation but we're not part of the
nation.
No matter what you call
it (580)
One of the most enduring predictions of George
Orwell's 1984 was his description of 'newspeak,' the control of words by
the state in order to control thought. Today, the struggle to control
words is everywhere.
Name one for Middle
Of The Road Bob (575)
Money spent on new street signs and
maps and self-congratulatory receptions will come from the highest-taxed
people in North America. High taxes are as Quebecois as "Les Gens
de Pays" which means "The mugs who pay."
Why the Oldies are still
Goodies (580)
Recently, I rediscovered an old Peter, Paul,
and Mary cassette to enjoy in my van, pretty much the only place I
listen to music any more. They had been a favourite back when I listened
to music all the time (before kids).
Plight of Quebec
anglos a laughing matter, but not on CBC-TV (590)
Recently I
have been lucky enough to be involved with a "hit" show. I
call it a hit because it sells out wherever we perform it. It is called
The Four Anglos of the Apocalypse. It features columnist Josh
Freed, cartoonist Terry Mosher (Aislin), George Bowser, and
myself.
Anglos can beat QC
language cops by signing right names (590)
Imagine, this
would undo ten years of kissing up to the nationalists while taking for
granted all of us who mistakenly voted for Premier Jean Charest because
we thought he might bring back justice and fairness to Quebec.
Help Montreal golfers
keep it green - don't let the airport pave it over (590)
Why
does it seem that in a back room somewhere deals have been made, plans
have been drawn up and large sums of money have changed hands, public be
damned?
Dad's Guide to
Summer (580)
This summer I will be attending many sporting
events. In my family there is a soccer player, a football player, a
baseball player, a softball player and an umpire - and I only have two
kids. Consequently, in my mini van I carry:
The Blues at
Pete's (590)
If you have ever been to Smoked Meat Pete's on
Ile Perrot, on Montreal's West Island, you know that Pete is a blues
fan. He always has blues music playing in his restaurant and even has
live blues bands on Thursday, Friday, and Saturday.
Baseball, Bonds, and
the Immortal Bard (580)
"I'll just take a little of this
under my tongue and shoot a little of that into my heinie and suddenly a
Texas leaguer will sail all the way into the Bay. Hello! Super-size
me!"
From wheelies to behind
the wheel (580)
Today I would like to talk about something
even scarier than my Beaconsfield tax bill: my teenage son's learner's
permit..."I can't wait to take you to England," I say. "I
can't wait for you to find out what it's like to drive on the left side
of the street legally."
The Quebec
Liberal: Disappointed and in Despair (575)
Our local Liberal
candidate could ride around the West Island in a limousine, drunk, with
a lady of the night on each arm, yelling up at our windows: "Hey
suckers, get down here and give me all your votes!" And as we reach
into our pockets to give him the votes, we would say: "OK. Here you
go, baby. Have a good time."
In Montreal: The
Glom and the Civils (575)
We would have all been happy and
well served, back to the way things had been run for years: competently.
Instead we were dragged through all the smoke and mirrors of the
riggederendum, and forcibly rounded up into the abomination
council.
Before the Fall,
Canada's Liberal PM lost his 'Paul' (580)
It was quite
moving. By saying we could once again call him Paul he was claiming his
life back, his "Paul-ness." Somehow, during his tenure as
prime minister he must have felt he had lost his Paul. And that's like
losing your mojo. Your centre. Your humanity. Isn't that sad?
Deciding who steals
our tax money - what's the alternative? (580)
There is an
election on! Hard not to notice with all our politicians rushing to
outdo each other by proudly announcing how many millions they are going
to spend. I'm thinking: Hey it's our money, Santa Claus!
Slain Quebec cop
part of an impressive bunch of youngsters (580)
Officer
Valerie Gignac's photograph was on the front page, her face full of
ideals, full of hope, and full of the future. I felt like I knew
her.
Quebec's
secessionists still 'addicted' to referendums (570)
Cocaine
is a good metaphor for the whole PQ trip. It will make you nervous,
hyper, and reckless. You will run up a huge debt you can never pay for
and talk about how you will do things that everyone else knows you will
never do.
My lesson in
civic democracy (590)
I am back, dear reader, after running
for a city council spot in my district of Beaconsfield, Quebec. As
Citizen Blue, I was embedded in the election process. I dipped my toes
in the great democra-sea. But I did not win.
Hip, fast-talking, and
cool. Not. (580)
If you are a baby boomer, perhaps this has
happened to you. You are watching the news on TV and an advertisement
comes on for a product aimed right at you. But you are put off by the
quick editing…
Isn't it ironic…
(550)
Consider this: Local music and poetry legend Leonard Cohen was
recently robbed of his life's savings while he studied Buddhist
philosophy. One of the pillars of Buddhism is that material possessions
are impediments to cosmic consciousness.
Intelligent
Design is where you find it, eh? (590)
I was struck by how
perfect it was. The air. The sky. The water. That intoxicating smell of
the ocean.
No jokes
needed - Quebec's Tongue Troopers make fools of themselves
(600)
They are forcing The Monkland Tavern to vandalize a 50-year-old
'Tavern' sign that won a heritage award. Even though there is already
one side in French, the English side has to go. So, the Monkland will
have to trash the old sign and put up a brand new one, exactly the same
except with an 'e' at the end of the word 'tavern'.
I say, choose
Canada's Head of State by - what else? - a lottery (580)
When
I was in Cuba, the woman behind the money-changing counter asked me:
"Please don't be offended, but why do you have the British Queen on
your money? I don't understand. That would be like having the King of
Spain on our money," she laughed, enjoying the absurdity of
it.
How to spot a Quebec
Anglophone (560)
If you can drive your car in rush hour while
applying make-up, shifting gears, talking on a cellphone, honking the
horn, and flipping someone the bird all at the same time, you could be a
Quebec Anglo.
Sir Sponge Bob and the
'anti-poverty' Musical Elite (580)
Now they can proudly say:
No. Wait a minute. This is the real me - the saint who wants to end
world poverty! That naked, coke sniffing, whiskey drinking, pussy hound
you saw prowling the strip last night was someone else.
Montreal's West
Islanders have a lot of balls (570)
Everyone seems to be
involved in sweaty physical exertion of some sort, seeking health and
longevity. And beauty. God, we have some good-looking people out here.
All blond and tanned and fit. And that's just the seniors.
Gays: Marriage is no
piece of cake, eh? (580)
Those who wish to maintain the
traditional definition of marriage as between a man and a woman believe
it is a biological and sacred trust endowed by our creator. Fertility is
its purpose. Henry the Eighth proved this. He beheaded any wife who
failed to produce an heir.
Let's hear it for
an Audible Anglo star (600)
And so now we Anglos who also
speak French with an obvious accent - I was once harangued by an editor
of La Presse with: "Yes, you speak French but you obviously
don't live in French!" (the "You Anglo pig" was silent) -
are encouraged.
West Quebec? Bring on
the next referendum. (585)
"Being as it is completely
rational to let those people who wish to leave Canada to do so; but
being that Canada has the right and duty to protect Canadians from being
forced to live in a new nation-state of which they want no part; would
you agree that Quebec should be partitioned into two new provinces;
Quebec and West Quebec, Quebec being the province that wishes to secede
from Canada and West Quebec being the province that wishes to remain in
Canada? Yes or No?"
Follow the money,
see the sleaze (580)
About half the salary of a CEGEP
teacher, a Montreal bus driver, a nuclear physicist and even a plumber
will end up going to one of our governments; either in income, property,
water, school, GST or some other creative taxation scheme. So then where
does it all go?
Education in
Quebec rights? Say what? (620)
It doesn't make sense. The
Supreme Court of Canada judged that francophones in Quebec don't have
the same rights as anglophones.
It's Canada, and
the spending is easy, eh? (555)
This invoice says that
Canadian flags were manufactured in China for five cents. You shipped
ten thousand of them here and billed the government for $50 each. Then
you billed the government for consultation charges of $500 an hour for
300 hours, an extra $150,000. What exactly was that for?
What if George Bush
is right? What then? (570)
I'm not saying that Bush is right.
I don't know that. How could I? I am not a clairvoyant. I am just saying
that he could be. No one I knew thought Reagan was right. But he was. No
one I know thinks Bush is right. But he could be.
Small stores: real
people providing real service (570)
I celebrate the stores in
my little village. And I am sure you, too, know a useful little local
store for which you are grateful. You know what I mean, an enterprise
that is more than a store - one that is a real resource.
The world loves a good
Dick joke (580)
Today I would like to discuss the Dick joke.
And I don't mean George Bush's running mate.
Going to a party with a
cold? Count me out (575)
The cold that hit me made me feel
one hundred years old. And usually I only feel eighty. It took a week
out of my life. And I needed those days. I want those days
back.
Green Peace was wrong
about the seal hunt ~ Mea culpa, baby boomer moi (590)
Do I
think Greenpeace will ever follow my lead and admit that they were
wrong? Never. The Newfoundland fishermen whose lives they have destroyed
can go jump in the sea for all they care.
James of
Nazareth, or Holidays are always hard for brother of Christ
(600)
A 2000-year-old ossuary, a box that held bones, bears the
inscription: "James, son of Joseph, brother of Jesus." Until
now, all references to the three men have been found only in
manuscripts. So this Christmas, as we celebrate the birth of Jesus, I
would also like to tip my hat to his brother James.
Tongue Troopers
off mark with Quinn Farm (590)
Surely it can't be easy to
wield the power of the State to persecute an honest, hard-working Notre
Dame de l'Ile Perrot farmer who is known for taking children on tractor
rides through pumpkin fields for having a sign in his store that reads
'Thank You for Not Smoking' without feeling mean and
small-minded.
It's not too bad up here,
eh? (580)
Ask a Canadian: "How's it goin', eh?" And
you won't get back: "Great!" At best you'll get: "Not
Bad."
Alberta: Good country,
good folks (580)
We arrived at the Daysland Motel at 2 p.m.
We had spent a lazy morning driving through big-sky farm country via
Vegreville, stopping to eat brunch and see The World's Largest Easter
Egg. The lady at the desk smiled.
No shoe-in, this
party (600)
We knew we were in trouble when we saw the sign
that read: "Kindly remove your shoes!"
Hey, we don't
live here for the politics (590)
As we all know, Americans
move to Canada for three reasons: (1) higher taxes (2) lower pay and (3)
the winter.
And justice for all?
Not if you're in Quebec (590)
This last slogan, recalling the
Front de Liberation du Québec, a terrorist organization famous
for bombs, kidnappings, and murder, is key. It was written to intimidate
the community.
And justice for all?
Not if you're in Quebec (590)
This last slogan, recalling the
Front de Liberation du Québec, a terrorist organization famous
for bombs, kidnappings, and murder, is key. It was written to intimidate
the community.
Golf &a grave; la Marquis de
Dorion Rules (600)
My son had been trying to get me out on
the links for weeks. He had been playing Tiger Woods Golf on his
Nintendo Game Cube and so he thought: "This is
easy!"
The Clarity Act: Last
line of defense against Pols use old bait-and-switch technique
(600)
Bait-and-switch is a deceptive sales technique. You advertise
one product to attract customers. That's the bait. When they arrive they
find out you are really selling something else entirely. That's the
switch. It's considered a form of business fraud.
Why do you think
cops love 'em? (580)
He whirled around the entire group. Then
he grabbed my nine-year-old daughter who was a good head taller then him
and began dancing with her. Then, other kids followed his lead. Yes,
kids were spontaneously dancing to the 1950s music in the Krispy Kreme
shop. All hopped-up on sugar.
Cheated,
democratically of course (500)
So town after town whose
voters had actually endorsed de-merger were being refused it, because
all non-votes were being treated as 'No' votes. I say that just in case
you are the type of person who leaves democracy up to your fellow
citizens and doesn't bother to vote because they think it will make no
difference.
Remember the
Alamo, eh? Vote on June 20 (580)
"Surrender!" they
cry. "You cannot win." We answer with cannon shots. Pata-ping,
Pata-poom, Pata-pouf!
Only one way to show
'em - at the ballot box (600)
The bullies who shove laws down
our throats count on our apathy. They laugh at us. They spit in our
faces. They are confident we will never get thirty-five per cent of all
registered voters to bother to vote.
Screwed? Yes.
Hey, have some Montreal lemonade… (580)
Fiendishly clever, I
thought. While the French press blindly accuses the de-merger forces of
being a recidivist group of anglophones, the ex-leader of the Equality
Party himself is quietly taking over Montreal City Hall - and fifty per
cent of the province - from inside. This stroke of Machiavellian
misdirection won my profound respect.
French & the
way she is written (590)
I have a friend who argues that if
Bill 101 was about preserving the language of his ancestors, instead of
the language of France, he might be more sympathetic.
Blowing harp with Bill
Macy (600)
Having a few beers with a friend. We hear about a
film shoot on the lakeshore. Some celebrity like Bruce Willis? No,
William H. Macy - a real actor. On our way home we drive by. Too
late.
Bada bing, bada
bang (600)
In preparation for a performance in front of
political writers we organized a fact-finding mission to Ottawa. After
all, before we performed for the American Society of Colorectal Surgeons
they asked us to watch a procedure so that we would get our facts
right.
The Kids of Summer
Cometh (590)
Baseball is a great game for kids. It provides
friendly competition and teaches them lessons that they don't learn at
school. Lessons they can only learn by living through.
A breast full of
dollars (575)
The American breast may have been made of
silicone but the Canadian breast was full of tax dollars.
Be here now or, I once
had a crush on Vampira (575)
Maybe you were thinking of a
loved one. Or, remembering something that altered your life years ago.
Or simply ruminating about how we are all being royally screwed by the
government.
Service, like they mean
it (600)
There is a gas station in my local village that
epitomizes customer service for me. And so I don't even look at the
current price per litre when I gas up there. Because our relationship is
more important.
Hell is other
people's pets (570)
Most households knew these past two weeks
as the 'holiday season.' But in my house they were known as the 'allergy
season.' Not because trees or ragweed are growing in my living room, but
because, to paraphrase Jean Paul Sartre: Hell is other people's
pets.
Having a
Blue commercial Christmas is OK (580)
Each Christmas,
predictable columns and editorials articulate a general disapproval of
the commercialization of the holy season. But I like the
commercialization of Christmas.
Dullsville?
Boringtown? Nah, it's Ottawa (580)
There is never a dull
moment in Ottawa. Years? Yes. But moments - no. But residents are proud
that their city is dull. They say, defiantly: if you want to party you
can "go to Hull." After all, a city that never sleeps is a
city of sin.
Giggles are good for
you (590)
I had to go to Alberta to make people laugh. It's a
tough job but someone has to do it. Actually, Alberta is a wonderful
place. People are friendly and happy. And taxes are so much lower.
Hmmm.
Coincidence? Are you
sure? (560)
A biography of the prime minister of Canada
reveals that he would not have accepted a slim separatist victory in the
last referendum and might even have sent in the Canadian army to protect
Canadians still living in Quebec.
Quebec Liberals:
The We Didn't Mean It Party (585)
In China they would have an
ornate name like: the Don't Blame Us When We Stick A Knife In Your Back
Because That's What We Always Do Party.
The end of the
world as we know it (580)
It seems that these theories have a
real use: to get other people to do what you want them to do. In this
case: don't drive a car and live in the suburbs. Be like me. Live
downtown and ride a bike.
Sharing the wealth
-- governments operating for their own (575)
The
redistribution of wealth means taking wealth from people who have it and
giving it to people who don't. It presupposes the government knows
better than those who have it. And it presupposes that the government
will actually give it to those who need it before they squander it on
irrational dreams or boneheaded incompetence.
Civil
disobedience - it's the way to go (586)
Last week, a hidden
microphone caught this exchange at a meeting of the very secret West
Island Warriors Society.
All'knotted up' in
Montreal (585)
The work of R.D. Laing centered on the
politics of the family. Specifically the way parents turn their kids
into schizophrenics by denying the validity of the child's own personal
experience. Because of the special parent-child relationship we now have
between the government and citizens here this model fits like a glove.
And it is slowly driving us nuts. The way our government always knows
best. And how we cannot be trusted to make our own choices.
Quebec's
Federalist Premier challenging Canada's federal system
(575)
It could happen, in this country where we have never really
decided what we are: a colony, a republic, a dominion, or a
federation.
Honky-tonkin' on
Montreal's West Island (585)
Behind the bar a blonde goddess
named Danielle worked her magic, making everyone feel welcome and
special. Up behind the dance floor a single musician played a keyboard,
with a computer filling in bass and drum tracks.
Baseball Day on
Montreal's West Island (580)
I think the way we treat our
major league baseball team is nothing short of tragic. And when they
leave us, Montreal will be poorer for it. But for those of us who
appreciate it, we "people of baseball" who understand the game and can
see the rise and fall of epic drama that comes with every pitch,
Baseball Day is a way of restating our love of the game.
Learning about strip
malls (580)
I once wondered why people lived in the suburbs,
where there are so few bookstores or fashionable clothing stores, where
there are so few fine restaurants or outdoor cafes to sit and discuss
modes of alienation over espressos and cognac for hours and hours, where
there is so little of the downtown cosmopolitan life I took for granted
when I lived on Le Plateau.
A cherished
glory of surburbia (580)
I can remember a time in my life
when: "He must be out cleaning his gas barbecue" was a way of
mocking a suburbanite. It would serve as a symbol for a meaningless
life. That was when I lived downtown.
City of Dreams
coming to a suburb near you (590)
I wouldn't be able to get
used to writing "Montreal" as a return address. For now, I
still get to write "Beaconsfield." But perhaps one day soon I
will be writing "The Free City of the West Island."
A Reader's
Digest approach to saving baseball in Montreal (580)
The only
way we can do this is with the instantaneous medium of television. And
the only way we can get Montrealers to watch the Expos on television is
by introducing something I will call: Condensed Baseball (c).
Don Juan was a
wuss (500)
For the last three weeks I have been falling in
love every night in front of 250 people. And I'll continue doing it for
the next three weeks — with a matinee on Saturday and Sunday.
My non-fat wino
diet(590)
"Would you like some fat with your
fat?"
Better an election
than a war(600)
My perception of the Quebec election is being
coloured by the war in Iraq. Those of you who read my column regularly
will know that I believe in supporting one's allies and toppling
dictators. In both cases.
To Market, To
Market. Not.590
After the last two years, I have seen what
are basically my life's savings shrink like the private parts of a
weightlifter on steroids.
PQ suffering
from obsessive repulsive disorder575
Bernie Landry recently
stated in public that thousands of people marching for peace remind him
that Quebec is a nation; the fact that Quebecers have sex more often
than other Canadians reminds him that Quebec is a nation; and that the
Sept. 11 terrorist attack in New York reminds him that Quebec is a
nation.
Ah, the
allure of Quebecois separatismo (600)
So many of my Quebecois
friends tell me that the dream is over. Separatism is dead. But I don't
believe it. And I think there is a reason why Bernie Landry wants to
call a spring election — because in spring, romance is in the
air.
Let's hear it for
SUVs (580)
Yes, the people of the future will know that the
real heroes of our age are those very now-maligned SUV owners who are
actually saving the world by burning off the oil twice as fast as anyone
else.
Trapped in Bell
Hell (600)
Suddenly I had two computers talking to each
other, in a kind of computer perpetual motion. Stanley Kubrick's 2001
Space Odyssey flashed across my mind: "Open the pod bay door,
Hal." "I can't do that, Dave."
Bilingualism --
it's what's happening in Quebec (676)
In Montreal, even the
bums are bilingual. They come up to you on the street and say:
"Spare change? Du change, s'il vous plait? Thank you very much.
Merci beaucoup." And when you don't cough up a loony: "Go to
hell! Mange la merde!"
Nothing beats
a good neighborhood watch (600)
My mind raced. What if I call
Chubb back and tell them to call the cops and it IS a false alarm? Then
the police will give me a real "false alarm" ticket for over a
hundred dollars, completely wiping out this 50 that I am trying to save
by waiting for this paperwork to finish.
Sympathy for
Scrooge (575)
Is it too early to Christmas shop? No. This is
the right time to shop. The panic has not yet completely taken hold. I
know it because there was still a parking space in front of Future Shop.
Although I did find that things were beginning to get nasty at Toys R
Us.
Universal law of
the inverse value of things in a garage (575)
This is Ricky
Blue's law of the inverse value of things in a garage: When an object
enters a garage all its previous positive value is reversed and now
becomes a negative value.
The Queen, ladies
and gentlemen, the Queen (590)
Personally, I always thought
that it was a bit baffling for an independent country to have the
monarch of a foreign country as its Head of State. But, as many are
quick to point out, it seems to do no harm. And not changing it is
easier than changing it. It is just a bit embarrassing.
Will October flowers
bring Mario Dumont powers? (600)
Hot enough for ya?" It
was the kind of greeting I expect in July. But although this was the
first of October, it was 27 degrees. The leaves were still green. The
flowers in my yard were in full bloom. And my neighbour was approaching
me in a T-shirt and shorts.
Imagine a Quebec
with no Bill 101 -- it's easy if you try (590)
He was polite,
sophisticated, and probably considered himself quite tolerant. He just
did not like the fact that I dared to satirize the Motherland and its
Sacred Law. So he gave the classic pure laine reaction to anglophones
like me.
Dreams of grandeur,
both ridiculous (580)
It seems all but inevitable that the
Expos will be moved in the next few years to Washington D.C., where
people will actually attend the games and be able to watch them on
TV.
Quebec National
Library deserves a better name (590)
This could be big for
them," he insisted. "They are down in the polls. They are on
the ropes. They could turn it around with a magnanimous gesture like
this. The best criticism of separatism is that it is exclusionary,
bordering on fascist."
Powerboats vs nature's
tranquility (580)
It is Saturday on Lac Quetaine. At 9 a.m. I
see the first boat, a large powerful inboard towing two screamers on an
inflatable raft. Thus begins the transformation of the tranquil silence
of nature into the soundtrack from the Texas Chainsaw
Massacre.
