Columns
PREVIOUS COLUMNS ARE ARCHIVED HERE

You don't know Doodly, eh?(700)
STANSTEAD, QC | YAAAAAH! Can you feel it? Can you smell it? That's the smell of victory! And burning rubber! I am so excited that my team is so close to ultimate triumph. This week's series win puts us that much closer. And now we've got the momentum. The Doodly Cup is within our grasp!
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Fishing with Shorty or, The Really Big One That Got Away (1160 words)
PUTNEY, VT | While you Vermonters were cursing the day you ever moved to, or originated in, Vermont I was traveling to Nicaragua in search of the mighty tarpon. My son Shorty, the fruit of the sainted union between myself and my tempestuous flower Ruth, had been spending the past three months in Ocatal, Nicaragua. The lad had decided that Spanish fluency was the key to landing an ambassadorship in some espanolish country. He found a total immersion outfit on the net and off he went.
Jim Austin locks and loads in Putney, Vermont.

Protect our Caninternet(710)
Congratulations on blocking the sale of one of Canada's aerospace companies to a US firm. No really, I mean it. I know we've had our differences in the past (admittedly, I went too far with my musical, Stephen Harper Hates Everyone, Even His Mother, and Has Stubby Fingers to Boot). But putting Canada's sovereignty ahead of global market pressures was fantastic, positively protectionist. Why, it was almost liberal of you!
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Follow the (lobbying) money (300)
It's probably just a coincidence that since George Bush became President, lobbying expenditures have almost doubled from $1.5 billion to $2.8 billion last year.
Frank Bernheisel writes from the Washington DC region.

The Bridge of Sighs(730)
As a barometer of inner peace and contentment, it probably doesn't bode well that I've become a sigher. Sighing has become my preferred reaction to the world as it unfolds around me. Or at me.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

The silence of my lamb(700)
One of the perks of having athletic children is that other parents automatically assume that I'm at least partly responsible. If the subject comes up, I'll usually say something like, "Yup, taught them everything they know." In my head, I'm saying it sarcastically. Just because it sounds to the listener like I'm serious, well, that's their problem, not mine.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Blowjob Bill, Mission-accomplished George, and their miserable, embarrassing, continuing failures (350)
Oh, thatÕs so harsh, Johnny boy. Whatever are you saying?
John Mahoney edits the LCC.

Our Gallivanting Gourmand returns from Down There, tanned and plump as a beer butt chicken (975 words)
Heck, in Florida they are almost giving away fast food, I kid you not. In fact, if you are a resident, the US postal service delivers an appetizing array of culinary offers each morning, thereby eliminating the need to cook real food.
Greg Duncan is the LCC's Gallivanting Gourmand.

April Fool's Day or Poisson d'Avril Š your choice but it's happening today, eh?(540)
I'm very much a traditionalist when it comes to holidays. I like turkey at Christmas, alcohol poisoning on St. Patrick's Day, and vague political tension on Canada Day. That being said, I completely support the Bush administration's decision to hold April Fool's Day on March 28 this year in an effort to save the floundering economy and foundering flounders. Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

More sex please. We're Quebeckers, non?(660)
I read this week about your plan to boost Quebec's population by encouraging Quebecers to have more babies, getting ex-Quebecers to return to the province, and immigrants... well, immigrants not so much. With all due respect, I wonder if you've fully thought this plan through. Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Would you like a growth fund? Yeth, I would.(660)
If you're like me (and if so, there's hope by calling 1-800-YU-LOSER), you probably just loaded up on RRSPs to gain some relief on your income tax. And it's also quite possible your RRSPs were in the form of mutual funds, also known as Investing for Dummies. Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Two rants, no waiting (1030 words)
PUTNEY, VT | This country has been governed by idiots for the past seven plus years. If they are the best of our country's citizenry I can almost agree with Kansas that evolution is a myth. When Bush stands in front of a press conference arms slightly forward with jutting jaw and brow, doesn't he look like he's about to drop to his knuckles and charge the press like a silverback gorilla?
Jim Austin locks and loads in Putney, Vermont.

Aping PM Harper, Canada's MPs will sue you, dude(690)
Prime Minister Stephen Harper's threatened lawsuit against top Liberals appears to have inspired other parliamentary lawsuits, with MPs suing MPs, ordinary citizens, celebrities, and, in one instance, a Pomeranian named Theo.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

The LCC enters 13th year on_line (380)
And what a strange dozen years it has been.
John Mahoney edits this cyber rag.

The in-and-out year(580)
March comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb. Science is at a loss to explain this phenomenon, given that the two animals are from entirely different species (lion being of the species Panthera leo and lamb being of the species Ovis cuddlius). The transformation from vicious predator to infant ruminant in the space of thirty-one days defies evolutionary logic, not to mention chronology. Promoters of intelligent design point to this swift mammalian shift as evidence of God and/or Steven Spielberg.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Wither Newspaperdom? (560 words)
Either way, our English daily The Gazette seems to take a middle road on most language issues. This most likely caters to the apparent similar position of most Anglophones in the flock. If something is simmering here, we just leave it at the back of the stove and hope it doesn't boil over.
Greg Duncan is the LCC's Gallivanting Gourmand.

And the Oscar for worst jokes goes to...(750)
With the US writers' strike over, this weekend's Academy Awards broadcast will go ahead. Another domestic crisis averted. Unfortunately, this mean's I'm out of a gig. I'd volunteered to scab for the event as head writer and (the deal-clincher) as host. Now the world will never know the full splendour of my show. I can only give you a brief glimpse of what might have been...
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Did someone say, "I love you"?(790)
Last weekend, I saw a clothing store display that read, "Say 'I Love You' A Thousand Ways..." Let's see: socks, underwear, shirts, sweaters... There's no way that can make it to a thousand, unless you start breaking it down by fabric and colour. Unless, of course, they weren't speaking in commercial terms but generally a thousand ways to say "I love you." Still a stretch, but I think I can come up with fifty:
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Did someone say, "I love you"?(790)
Last weekend, I saw a clothing store display that read, "Say 'I Love You' A Thousand Ways..." Let's see: socks, underwear, shirts, sweaters... There's no way that can make it to a thousand, unless you start breaking it down by fabric and colour. Unless, of course, they weren't speaking in commercial terms but generally a thousand ways to say "I love you." Still a stretch, but I think I can come up with fifty:
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Go, girl! (No, seriously, it's your turn.)(760)
For instance, when you sit on the floor with your six-year-old to play a board game called Dream Star, as I did last Sunday, there's no way to avoid, at least temporarily, taking the girly role. Because Dream Star is a girly, girly game.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

A letter from His Worshipfulness, the Mayor(760)
First of all, I would like to wish everyone a Happy 2008. I realize my wishes come a month late but we had to delay printing this Newsletter because it has taken since the Christmas party to untangle the thong from the photocopier. Incidentally, for those of you who've asked, our Receptionist Mrs. Churnhelm should be out of traction soon.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Sugar coating Quebec's latest bilk job (600 words)
It is a privilege living here in Quebec, what with the advantage of paying the highest taxes on the continent, our wonderfully safe road infrastructure, our tolerant language freedoms and warm weather. To add to our Joie de Vivre we were delivered a gift yesterday to signify our special status as a nation within a nation. Recently, the price of milk in Quebec rose 4.6 cents a liter and allows us to pay forty percent more than what others pay in Canada.
Greg Duncan is the LCC's Gallivanting Gourmand.

Energy use Š the moral equivalent of war? (500)
Per person in the US of A, we each use the equivalent of 64 barrels of oil each year or 114,000 kilowatt hours (KWHr) of electricity. Swedes and Germans use a lot less energy per person -- 44 and 32 barrels, respectively.
Frank Bernheisel writes from the Washington DC region.

Tragedy tomorrow, squirmedy tonight(700)
This column is satellite 6! Yeah, that's right, "satellite 6." It means outstanding, out of this world, way out, even wayer out than satellite 5. Use this expression often. Impress your friends. Or possibly confuse them. Either way, they'll be overwhelmed by how unbearably hip you are. Or possibly just how unbearable.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

You gotta love it (300)
Well, we have the politicians and the Federal Reserve worrying about a recession and lots of people are defaulting on their loans, and Bear Stearns and Bank of America are going to the Arab states for money to prop up their finances and some of the loan companies are going bankrupt.
Frank Bernheisel writes from the Washington DC region.

McJungle Book: The Legend of McBoy(700)
No one knows for sure where the McBoy came from, this feral child under the golden arches. Some say he was abandoned by a couple who met at McDonald's, dated there and, uncomfortably for them and those in line, conceived a child at a Drive-Thru while waiting for their Filet-O-Fish. Some say he was even born there. The delivery, not surprisingly, was fast.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

About this war (300)
We have at least twelve candidates trying to be the next President and not one, except Ron Paul, is saying anything definite about the war. It must be the good news. However, the situation reminds me of Nixon campaigning to be president in 1968; he had a plan to end the war in Vietnam. The Vietnam war ran on until 1975.
Frank Bernheisel writes from the Washington DC region.

Reliving Quebec's "Ice" Storm of 1998 (700)
A part of me feels we missed out on a great adventure, something we could tell our grandkids and radio phone-in shows. But then I remember that people suffered terribly, died even. I then feel blessed. And a bit of a jerk.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

An incovenient winter (600)
MONTREAL | There is a new McDonald's ad campaign using the slogan: "Cold is the new hot." They are trying to sell us a new cold drink. In the ad they pretend they are tired of people saying everything's "hot." So they want to replace that superlative with "cold." Thus: "Cold is the new hot."
Ricky Blue is a Montreal-based humorist, singer, and writer.

If you want them to like The Beatles, let it be (700)
You can't, you see, just force your music on your kids, no matter how clearly superior it is to their tripe. I was, reminded this not long ago when the family went bowling and my son put two dollars worth of quarters into the jukebox and selected all Nickelback songs. Yes, I know they're Canadian, hooray, but blech. I mean, clear your throat, for God's sake.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Food Rant to start the year off right (600 words)
We have become accustomed to buying cheap imported foods and produce all through the year and we cringe when the price of bananas goes over 29 cents per pound. We want a loaf of bread for a dollar and lettuce for 79 cents. In fact, we want everything for under a dollar.
Greg Duncan is the LCC's Gallivanting Gourmand.

The year from the rear (690)
Well, hey there, thanks for sticking with me through 2007. Gosh, where did those 365 days go? No, seriously, where did they go? What happens to time once it's in the past? Does it continue to exist? But, heck, such questions are too profound for the end of December. Instead, it's a time of reflection, a chance to review the year that was.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Shooting blanks from the Christmas canon (695)
Everybody loves the Christmas classics: "Hark the Herald," "White Christmas," "Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer." But surely there are other songs that radio stations can play seven times a day.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

A 21st century Christmas (595)
MONTREAL | I am going to give my son an educational toy to help teach him about life -- no matter how you put it together, it will be wrong. I also bought him a book. I am sure he will spend the next two days looking for where the batteries go. He thinks that at Christmas we celebrate the birth of Duracell.
Ricky Blue is a Montreal-based humorist, singer, and writer.

Got game? "Dribbling" is not the same as "drooling" (695)
There's a reason why I've never signed my kids up for hockey. Besides receiving regular thumpings by hockey players as a child, that is. The reason is the 8 a.m. game. But last weekend I found myself shotgunning coffee before racing across the border to Newport, Vermont, for an 8 o'clock basketball game. Fortunately, this was a game involving 6- and 7-year-olds, so at least the day started with a laugh.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Red licorice, Black Babies, and Zout (660 words)
I haven't lost a tooth to licorice yet, unlike the editor of this site. I've suffered the root canal and been subject to annual warnings that an $1800 crown is absolutely necessary but I'm into at least my tenth year without this feature. Call me lucky as I've devoured more licorice than a defiant Dutch schoolboy.
Greg Duncan is the LCC's Gallivanting Gourmand.

I'm Ross Murray and I approve this immigration column (730)
An open letter to would-be illegal U.S. immigrants (and smugglers thereof)
First of all, thank you for choosing Stanstead, Quebec, for all your border-hopping needs. Specifically, thank you (most of you, anyway) for choosing the woods around Stanstead to smuggle yourselves and/or your paying customers into the United States. This is as opposed to simply walking across one of the unguarded streets that connect Stanstead with Vermont.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

All you need to know about digital photography, and then some (700)
After months of research and some unseemly groveling, my employers recently gave me the go-ahead to purchase a new digital camera. It's a great asset for our department. The fact that I sometimes refer to it as "my camera" or occasionally as "my precious..." is purely accidental and without any significance whatsoever.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Turning Canadian guilt into good times (575)
MONTREAL | I get the feeling, perhaps you do too, that something big is happening. It's our dollar. It's getting big! And we are getting bigger along with it.
Ricky Blue is a Montreal-based humorist, singer, and writer.

Malcolm Stone: What a character (750)
STANSTEAD EAST, QC | It was Malcolm who introduced me to Calvin Trillin, Roy Blount Jr., Bob Dorough, "Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me" and sour tomatoes. He taught me that "pipik" is Yiddish for "belly button" and that there are cheap laughs to be had in teaching kids to say, "Do you want to see my pipik?" He showed me that you could get by in life without functioning plumbing. Mostly, though, Malcolm showed me that small-town journalism could soar if you cared about clarity, that obsessing over hyphens paid off, that irreverence could be a powerful weapon, and that if you use the word "challenge" (as in, "the mayor said there were many challenges ahead for council") you deserve to be mercilessly mocked. Lewd gestures might be involved.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Torture American Style (955 words)
PUTNEY, VT | Attaching electrodes to the genitalia or driving burning bamboo splints under the fingernails is all well and good but, in these days of runaway litigation by victims and nosey prying by the international press, we need a method that doesn't leave marks.
Jim Austin writes in Putney, Vermont.

O Canada! Canadians need to be, you know, more American, eh? (740)
Can you feel it? Can you feel the pride? Can you sense the pan-Canadian swagger as we enjoy our new status as an economic powerhouse? Can't you just feel all those years of doubt and insecurity melting away?
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Press #1 in Quebec for intolerance and unreasonable accommodation (800 words)
For those that don't know, and trust me as an Anglo Quebecer I do, it's been rough on the English and Ethnics lately and winter has not yet begun. The hunting season is in full swing with Quebec Anglophone and Allophones being the prey of choice. We continue to be targeted by francophone language zealots at the highest levels.
Greg Duncan is the LCC's Gallivanting Gourmand.

Don't mess with debaters (750)
Some people have the Gift of the Gab, I have the Unwanted Fruitcake of Awkward Conversation. You have a Silver Tongue. I have Tinfoil Tonsils.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Death by 'Booga booga' -- Quebec's tribal drums are beating (575)
MONTREAL | Tribal drums are beating all over Quebec. Can you hear them? The natives are restless. They are covered with blue and white war paint. They dance around the raging fires of nationalism. And on the fire is a large pot. Inside the pot are two victims, an Allophone and an Anglophone.
Ricky Blue is a Montreal-based humorist, singer, and writer.

An Abundance of Bores (1100 words)
PUTNEY, VT | In my last thrilling appearance in the LCC, I submitted the list of Republican Candidates for President and rated their chances of obtaining the nomination based on several factors. I used their shiftiness, weaselry, money-grubbing, religious fanaticism, cover-up and suppression talents, and all around scum-sucking douchebaggery. In short, all the things that make Republicans Republican. This month we will have a look at the Democratic nominees. This is not an easy task, neither is analyzing swollen raisins in a bowl of tepid pablum. However, I shall try.
Jim Austin writes in Putney, Vermont.

(680)
Scuttling in the dark playing laser tag this past weekend, two things occurred to me: One, that shooting at people surely violates my stand on guns and violence; and two, when the zombie uprising occurs, I won't be of much help.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

New York, Oh, New York (950 words)
Brochures rarely mention that friendly six-foot transvestites sporting pink-ribboned pigtails will assist you with directions from Penn station to any restaurant you have in mind. Every itinerant asking for money in Times Square claims to be a veteran on the down and out, having been abandoned by the state. I suspect this may be true for most.
Greg Duncan is the LCC's Gallivanting Gourmand.

Halloween Tale-O-Rama (730)
Come, my unwashed little ones, gather your dank selves round me and I shall share a haunting tale of spectral beings and boogety-boogeties. I said come round, my little germ farms. Come here, I said! Don't make me hobble over there!
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Double dipping in and by the city (650)
MONTREAL | Perhaps you have noticed that parking here is becoming more difficult all the time. It seems that our city government seems to want to make it more and more expensive and annoying to shop and entertain downtown. For instance, many meters only give you two hours for six dollars. But you cannot see a movie in two hours.
Ricky Blue is a Montreal-based humorist, singer, and writer.

Are you there, Al? It's me, Ross. (720)
First of all, congratulations on your Nobel Peace Prize. I hope this prestigious honour won't distract you from your crusade against global warming. In fact, I have a great title for your next book/movie: How about Is It Hot in Here or Is It Just Me?
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Premier Duceppe and the partition of Quebec (635)
MONTREAL | This has always been the Achilles heel of Quebec separatists. They see themselves as a pure, homogenous, and unilingual nation inhabiting a single territory called Quebec. So non-francophones within this territory have to be regulated, assimilated, or declared not to exist.
Ricky Blue is a Montreal-based humorist, singer, and writer.

Driving lesson #1: Get a grip (670)
We've pretty much all agreed that I won't teach the kids how to drive. There would be too much yelling, too great a risk of stroke. It would end in tears, probably mine.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

How I ate Skippy or, simmered and well poached our Gallivanting Gourmand dines a la Down Under (825 words)
We enjoyed an hour or so of sipping Aussie Pinot Noir in an Italian landscape outdoors and then were ushered to Au Coin du Feu to sample the wines and foods of Australia. Rosemount Estate wines in particular, with parings and matching over five courses.
Greg Duncan is the LCC's Gallivanting Gourmand.

School advice for my youngest daughter (540)
Your teacher doesn't actually live at school. There may come a point when you will be out somewhere, maybe a mall, and you'll see your teacher out among the general population like a Real Person. This will come to you as a bit of a shock. But it's true.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Will they be happy watching wattles? (720)
I actually had no clue what I planned to do with my life, short of go to university for the next three to four years, possibly longer depending on the meal plan. Nor was university part of a long-term goal. I simply wanted to study literature for literature's sake. And meet girls.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

The uncomfortable sanctification of Ernie (660)
MONTREAL | There was a moment at the beginning of the reception following Ernie Butler's funeral that broke the ice. A moment of silence for Ernie was suddenly interrupted by a cell phone ring."
Ricky Blue is a Montreal-based humorist, singer, and writer.

A tale to sink your teeth into (680)
Thank you for calling FairyDent, the automated tooth-retrieval service, linking harried parents and airy fairies since 2003.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

The anticipation of our Gallivanting Gourmand (740 words)
It is spider season up here in Montreal and their intricate webs glisten in the heavy dew and light of the morning. Thousands of yellow jacket wasps are enjoying fall apples en masse in yards around the neighborhood and I've been watching seagulls from the lake nearby devouring crab apples with gusto.
Greg Duncan is the LCC's Gallivanting Gourmand.

What we have here is a failure to communi-cat (680)
Here's what I actually said when a four-month-old kitten showed up on our doorstep late one evening last week, followed by what my family apparently heard me say:
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

(200 words)
Why do we live in La Belle Province? (First in a series)
Why are Quebec taxes the highest in North America while having the worst roads on the continent?...remember, you'll never know where you'll find the good doctor. Perhaps in line behind you at WalMart. Dining at the neighboring table. Returning a corked bottle of wine to the local supermarket. Stumbling out of the dentist's chair. But wherever the good doctor perambulates, rest assured that all five senses will be focused on the immediate experience and ready to assimilate any tainted data for another random act of observation...

Don't panic over pickles (690)
Every jar of pickles is a leap of faith. The number of pickle-related deaths is in fact quite low. Or at least I assume it is; Statistics Canada doesn't offer any figures (although I did find a YouTube video entitled "Girl is scared to death of pickles"
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Confederacy of Losers (700 words)
What the Republican Party has trotted out is an astonishing cavalcade of miscreants as possible nominees for the 2008 Presidential Race. The most positive thing you can say is that any one of them would make a better President than George W.Of course that's like saying Leprosy is better than pancreatic cancer.
Jim Austin writes in Putney, Vermont.

A 'Sea of Blue' arrives in our neighborhood (790 words)
A sea of blue plastic now visually blights pretty streets in established neighborhoods at every turn. Welcome the large blue recycling bin on wheels to Quebec communities.
Greg Duncan is the LCC's Gallivanting Gourmand.

The Let's-Ban-Everything Party (630)
MONTREAL | I remember that in the past tolerance was a positive thing. I'm not referring to the current, politically correct group-think regulations that are misleadingly called "tolerance."
Ricky Blue is a Montreal-based humorist, singer, and writer.

Big clams, steep hills, lots of java (650 words)
I've just been to Seattle and back. When you visit this West Coast village you notice two things. You go up and down in Seattle and there is no escaping endless hills and climbs.
Greg Duncan is the LCC's Gallivanting Gourmand.

Hats off to ball cap wearers. No, seriously. (690)
I know (especially you boys) you think your ball cap is cool and the source of all your power, kind of like that cheesy mustache you're attempting to grow. But you're wrong.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Handprints on the walls of time (700)
Handprints. There were handprints everywhere - marks left by grubby fingers on walls, cupboards, and doorframes. Saturday morning, I found myself wandering the house with a sponge, scrubbing away the grime.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Coco Jarry: First in an occasional series on various eateries here and there (320)
I turn leery when I ask for a simple garden salad with my steak instead of mixed vegetables and potato and the lovely young waitress with a lovely young smile says: "That will be extra."
John Mahoney edits the LCC.

An unelectable American vice president (625)
MONTREAL | Bill Clinton is the best campaigner of his generation. He has charisma. He is very well liked. And the vice presidential position is usually chosen based upon the candidate's usefulness in winning the election.
Ricky Blue is a Montreal-based humorist, singer, and writer.

Did I mention my old-man legs? (710)
The first time I broke a tooth was when I was about seventeen. Some friends and I had managed to get some beer and had taken it to the woods.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Egg on our collective face, eh? (640)
PODGORICA, MONTENEGRO | With the success of last weekend's Live Earth, several other global concerts-for-a-cause are in the works. The first to emerge is Live Egg, scheduled to take place in Europe and North America October 12, World Egg Day.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Rap Radio, Talk Radio (650)
MONTREAL | Maybe there is a link between rap music and talk radio. Maybe talk radio is simply rap music for old people. Like rap music, talk radio is not pretty.
Ricky Blue is a Montreal-based humorist, singer, and writer. Recycling do's, don'ts. and dunnos (685)
I read last week that my town will soon provide me with a bigger, better, and -- who knows -- maybe even bluer recycling bin, the kind on wheels you roll out to the curb.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca The most wonderful Canadian wonder of them all (645)
MONTREAL | But the only "Wonder" given to our region was to Old Quebec City, a revealing choice, a typical expression of the way English Canada sees Quebec. It celebrates the Quebec that is safely tucked away in the past, wearing costumes of the Filles du Roi and playing spoons.
Ricky Blue is a Montreal-based humorist, singer, and writer.

Paradise Lost (860 words)
I walk a lot now and take daily jaunts around the neighborhood just to smell good, greasy smoke I tell you. I can't help but pause in front of yards when I catch the unmistakable scent of hamburgers sizzling on the grill and I get downright excited when I detect burning fat on a big juicy Montreal rib steak.
Greg Duncan is the LCC's Gallivanting Gourmand.

The Hollywood History of Canada (670)
It is 1839. Rebel forces in Upper and Lower Canada have been crushed under the iron fist of the British Empire. Vowing revenge and seeking access to cheap health care, the rebels under plucky leader Louis-Joseph Papineau kidnap Governor General Lord Durham.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Well, at least it's not a tat (700)
Last Father's Day, I signed away my daughter's nose. She's almost sixteen, which is old enough to get her licence but not old enough to get her nose pierced without parental permission.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

I'm still trying to get my passport, eh? (700)
However, I suggest you tone down the rhetoric when you call border guards "power-tripping line jockeys." This is a surefire way to ensure that you won't need a passport to enter the United States - you won't be allowed in at all. After all, they may be watching
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

One man's garage door is another's bylaw infringement (660)
MONTREAL | A garage is such a unique suburban invention. It is us. It is where we keep the car in the winter and the bicycles and sports gear in the summer. Sure it fills up, but at the end of each summer we have a garage sale.
Ricky Blue is a Montreal-based humorist, singer, and writer.

The sequel to end all sequels ('though not likely) (730)
This week, I went to see the summer's most humongous blockbuster extravasequel of them all: SpiderShrek of the Caribbean Ocean 13. It was so sequelicious that I have to share it with you.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

The joys of changing homes (730)
Over the last few weeks I've discovered one inalienable truth. Moving is no problem. It's not the sale of your house, although putting up with the lookers, the pryers, and eventually the buyers is a pain.
Tim Belford is host of Quebec AM, CBC Radio's popular off-island morning program.

Suffers in the translation, or: The French have a word for it, but I just don't know it (600)
You may be the brightest, coolest, LOLing-est person in your own language but placed in another language setting you risk coming across as boring or a moron or a boring moron.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Lifestyle catches up with our Gallivanting Gourmand (640 words)
A penchant for putting butter on brownies has finally caught up with me.
Greg Duncan is the LCC's Gallivanting Gourmand.

Taxman, reward that tree keeper (640)
If a Middle Eastern country, being a carbon source, gets to pump it out of the ground, cash the cheques, and make trouble, surely we, at the other end, should be able to reclaim it from the atmosphere, store it, cash the cheques, and make peace.
Ricky Blue is a Montreal-based humorist, singer, and writer.

Musings from a budding evolutionary (700)
As the writer Bill Bryson points out, our planet and life on it have changed drastically several times. Often these changes resulted from some sort of global cataclysmic event, and I'm not just talking about the release of another Die Hard movie.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Frickin' awsome! (700)
"Can you get me a stick? Thank you. When I stir the water it's a potion that turns you into a monster or maybe if you have too much you die. Want a sip?"
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Canada's Summer of Love a forgotten ideal (635)
Canada is now no longer a country of individuals, living equally under one set of laws and regulations. It is rather a patchwork of groups, each claiming the redress of historical grievances, special privileges for themselves, the repression of those who "threaten" them, and ultimately, greater access to the irresistible growing reservoir of tax dollars.
Ricky Blue is a Montreal-based humorist, singer, and writer.

US Military Intelligence strikes again (580)
I'd never noticed before but if you look closely there appears to be a wire running from the polar bear's right hind foot to the silver rim of the coin. Could it be a micro-circuit? Could we all be walking around with a miniature homing device in our pocket?
Tim Belford is host of Quebec AM, CBC Radio's popular off-island morning program.

Scent of a Tory Canuck (670)
What are the Liberals trying to 'cover up,' I ask you. Is there some kind of 'stink' they've been trying to hide all these years? Well, let me tell you, the Conservatives are different. When you smell John Baird, you're smelling only John Baird!"
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

No Bloke Queen at our Birthday Party (630)
That's it! Stop the music! There will be no queen at this party! That's right. Elizabeth 2nd, by the Grace of God, Queen of Great Britain, Northern Ireland, and several other bits and pieces scattered around the globe, is not welcome at Quebec's 400th birthday bash.
Tim Belford is host of Quebec AM, CBC Radio's popular off-island morning program.

Never been poked (700)
What these Internet technologies have in common is they are all about shameless self-promotion. They are a way to say to the world, "Hey, look at me, I'm here! And I've had my body provocatively pierced!"
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

The lovely Belinda added so much drama to our boring Canadian political life (630)
She had this big burly guy so wrapped around her little finger that once, when he was supposed to be at a fundraising golf tournament in the Maritimes, he was spotted walking with her on a New York City street carrying an armload of packages. She had not only seduced the toughest guy in the NHL - she had also taken him shopping.
Ricky Blue is a Montreal-based humorist, singer, and writer.

Not another young Western life wasted, not another young Western body maimed (300)
I heard the word "Allah!" over and over again, so it was clear they were invoking the name they give the all-merciful, all-loving God. I understood the whistles and cheers, the sound of clapping, the pointing of fingers, the pumping of hands and fists. The men were high-spirited, passionate.
John Mahoney edits the LCC.

The bomb at the bottom of the street (715)
I sauntered back down some time later, just in time to see the bomb squad robot emerge from the truck. Very cool! We practically cheered. It was a big crowd now, including television crews and reporters.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

What cheese are you? (430 words)
I have yet to find a decent recipe on You Tube for a Quebec Maple or sugar pie so perhaps one of you could claim your fifteen seconds of fame, post a clip, and make us Canucks proud. Otherwise, I just might have to do it myself.
Greg Duncan is the LCC's Gallivanting Gourmand.

Let me make one thing perfectly clear: I am not a cook (660)
"What's for supper?" That's a good question, Emily, and thank you for asking it. I'd just like to say that this is a very complex and sensitive situation. I can assure you that the Household is looking at this question with the utmost attention in order to come up with a solution in a timely manner.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Reality is in the mind of the inventor (680)
Take the "device for producing dimples," for example. This was the brainchild of M. Goetze. Now, I reckon the industrious Mr. Goetze probably got his start at the Marquis de Sade Manufacturing Co. The dimple producer resembles not so much a beauty aid as a device for extracting military secrets. It consists of a handle, much like the one you find on a brace and bit, and two arms. One has a rounded end and is placed against the cheek. The other has a receptacle for the round end and goes inside the mouth...
Tim Belford is host of Quebec AM, CBC Radio's popular off-island morning program.

Hip Hop-ocracy (680 words)
If you were shocked when Don Imus of the "Imus in the Morning" radio and TV show referred to the Rutgers Women's Basketball Team as "nappy-headed hos" then you must be a new listener. Imus has been pulling this type of garbage for years.
Jim Austin writes in Putney, Vermont.

Save 'our' field (690)
The lot has been for sale for as long as we've been in this house, about thirteen years. Up until a few weeks ago, its availability was advertised only by a hand-painted sign with a phone number and the advisory "S'NO DUMPING." I was always comforted by the non-threatening ambiguity of that sign. It might have well read, "For sale, or not. No biggie."
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

We who are not them (665)
Mario Dumont played the identity card and won big time. Because he is one of: (to borrow a phrase coined by Jacques Parizeau on referendum night in 1995) "we who are us." I love that phrase. It says so much, so succinctly. (Let's give the jolly old separatist fart his due!)
Ricky Blue is a Montreal-based humorist, singer, and writer.

Patiently waiting for victory, eh? (500)
The last time the Maple Leafs won the Stanley Cup Lester Pearson was Prime Minister. Exp. 67 was getting ready to kick off the best year the nation was to have for quite some time. Dinosaurs still roamed the earth and I was just twenty years old.
Tim Belford is host of Quebec AM, CBC Radio's popular off-island morning program.

Why drinking 'milk' that smells like feet is a good thing (715)
A couple of weeks ago we had a particularly bad morning. I put my foot down and said she wasn't going to school until her glass was empty. There were tears. And not just Abby's.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Whither Post-election Quebec? (500)
Finally, 25 percent of the population either thinks everyone should have a windmill in their own back yard, or, the best way to cure poverty is to tax companies out of business, or, there's actually no point in voting at all anyway.
Tim Belford is host of Quebec AM, CBC Radio's popular off-island morning program.

A political act of Quebec escapism (650)
I want to register a protest vote. At first I think that not voting would do that. But that is not really a protest vote, that's a non-vote. And I feel it is my civic duty to vote. After all, if you are given a right and you do not use it, then you deserve to lose it.
Ricky Blue is a Montreal-based humorist, singer, and writer.

The facts you need on April Fool's Day (640)
April Fool's Day is believed to have originated in Rome in 56 AD when Emperor Vivesectus marked the twelfth birthday of his son Egregious, whom he was not particularly fond of.

Sugar time and looking for the good stuff (490 words)
There was a time in my life when pure maple syrup flowed like tap water at my house and I had no idea how lucky I was to have cans of the stuff put away like so much soup in a cupboard.
Greg Duncan is the LCC's Gallivanting Gourmand.

The facts you need on April Fool's Day (640)
April Fool's Day is believed to have originated in Rome in 56 AD when Emperor Vivesectus marked the twelfth birthday of his son Egregious, whom he was not particularly fond of.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

In praise of snow (675)
I can still picture our ultimate snow fort: it had actual ice chairs and tables, you could stand up in it, and, if memory serves, there may actually have been a rec room with a pool table and bar.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Spring forward, fall back, grump, grump, grump (550)
This is three weeks earlier than normal. Why? Something to do with saving energy, extending daylight hours during the workday, blah blah blah. I really think it's just the U.S. asserting itself, like a parent imposing an arbitrary rule simply "because I said so."
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

A timely bit of Irish fun, for the season and all (480 words)
Patrick, the patron saint of Ireland wasn't born Irish, you know. He was born around 373 A.D. in either Scotland, near the town of Dumbarton, or in Roman Britain.
Greg Duncan is the LCC's Gallivanting Gourmand.

Impeach Bush Now (840 words)
The last political figure that sanctioned torture and invaded another country for profit was hanged while still in office. Saddam Hussein had other similarities with George Bush.
Jim Austin writes in Putney, Vermont.

How peanut butter is destroying the planet (640)
If we're going to save the planet, it may be up to my generation. The older generation is too set in its ways and the younger generation is too "like, no way!"
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Quebec election a lost cause (590)
Another Quebec election - whoopdeedoo! An uplifting and intelligent period of new ideas and exciting solutions - not! We are all locked in a prison cell of high government debt, over-taxation, bureaucratic bumbling, and a litany of broken promises.
Ricky Blue is a Montreal-based humorist, singer, and writer.

Flying wasabi and cloned cows sour my milk (670 words)
So you are flying around in space and you have the munchies. What to do? Why, reach for the sushi and wasabi of course. Or you could have some Mutter Paneer (Indian curried cheese and peas) with basmati rice.
Greg Duncan is the LCC's Gallivanting Gourmand.

Attention aging breeders, better that you don't (600)
How many kids want to have dad show up at the minor soccer championships only to watch him felled when an errant ball knocks his walker out from under him?
Tim Belford is host of Quebec AM, CBC Radio's popular off-island morning program.

Following driving directions: It's a man thing (730)
The stereotype goes that a man will do anything rather than ask for directions. But what if he doesn't know where he's supposed to be in the first place?
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

The Oscar for Best Use of Cute Ponies goes to… (655)
I'm feeling somewhat reticular (don't ask) this week so I'm going to turn things over to Abby, five-and-a-half, to offer her predictions on who will bring home the Oscars at this Sunday's Academy Awards.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Clothes make the Don (600)
Every Saturday night millions of Canadians tune in to Hockey Night in Canada, a genuine Canadian tradition. And for many the highlight takes place right after the first period.
Ricky Blue is a Montreal-based humorist, singer, and writer.

Mister Positive (640)
It's come to my attention that I've seemed overly crusty in my writing lately. I guess that column on corporal punishment for wayward kittens was going too far.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

I don't want my boy to go soldiering (580)
How can it make sense to send them to a time-warped wasteland where they walk around as targets? We might as well paint a bull's eye on each one of them. In that twisted, sick, black hole of barbarism they can be blown up while they are handing candies out to children.
Ricky Blue is a Montreal-based humorist, singer, and writer.

Scratch a pig, then sniff it, eh? (600 words)
As a lover of Asian food, imagine my excitement when I learned of the release of a new postage stamp that smells and tastes of sweet and sour pork when scratched and licked.
Greg Duncan is the LCC's Gallivanting Gourmand.

On Valentine's Day, "Eat my shorts" takes on a whole new meaning (690)
Last weekend in Montreal, I saw two Valentine conventions in one: candy underwear. You had your choice of bra, g-string, garter, those weird suspender things, and something for men that I don't know what you'd call and I'd rather not think about.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Tim's take on Canada's new Food Guide (580)
It's even more important in this day of fast food and eating on the run. Let's face it, when half the population thinks the four basic food groups are salt, fries, ketchup and Pepsi, we need guidance.
Tim Belford is host of Quebec AM, CBC Radio's popular off-island morning program.

Grass is definitely greener in Alberta (580)
Recently, when I was in Calgary, a man came up to me and said: "You guys are from Montreal, right?" I answered in the affirmative. "What part?" I told him the West Island. "Oh, I used to live in Pointe Claire," he said. "How are things going back there"?
Ricky Blue is a Montreal-based humorist, singer, and writer.

Valentine, you're food for my soul (580 words)
No romantic pressure this month dear readers. A little planning is all it takes to produce a Valentine dinner for two that he or she will reward you for.
Greg Duncan is the LCC's Gallivanting Gourmand. The boob tube police (640)
Whatever the wording, the basic concept has remained virtually unchanged for close to 30 years, even though in 1977, video players were the size and weight of car radiators. Little monkeys lived inside the machines to rewind the tapes.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

(255 words)
Disappointing Quebec Observations: 2006/07
There has been an increase in "vigilance" from the Saint-Jean- Baptiste Society and Mouvement Montréal against the English language...remember, you'll never know where you'll find the good doctor. Perhaps in line behind you at WalMart. Dining at the neighboring table. Returning a corked bottle of wine to the local supermarket. Stumbling out of the dentist's chair. But wherever the good doctor perambulates, rest assured that all five senses will be focused on the immediate experience and ready to assimilate any tainted data for another random act of observation...

How to avoid the flu (570)
The flu was invented in Spain in 1918, and the craze soon swept the globe. Later, many Asian countries adapted the flu, making it cheaper and more compact. Bird Flu is named after former NBA great Larry Bird, who suffered from the disease, resulting in him being kinda dorky looking.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Yogurt demystified (470 words)
The best nutritional deal is plain yogurt, which has only two ingredients: live cultures and milk (whole milk, low-fat, or skim). The longer the ingredients list, the more calories you get and the less yogurt nutrition.
Greg Duncan is the LCC's Gallivanting Gourmand.

I, iPodder (650)
Don't clean toilets wearing your iPod.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Nobody wants to talk about farts, but… (590 words)
After posting a recipe for 7-day cabbage diet soup last week, a couple of readers e-mailed to let me know that their spouses are not pleased and I feel I must respond. I'll spare you the intimate details but warn that if you are uncomfortable with discussion about bodily functions, you should read no further.
Greg Duncan is the LCC's Gallivanting Gourmand.

The Year that was (790)
Recently the Canadian government formally recognized the Québécois nation; who have been planning their exit for thirty years. Maybe this recognition is part of it. But what about the Anglos? We may live on the reservation but we're not part of the nation.
Ricky Blue is a Montreal-based humorist, singer, and writer.

Quest for fries (660)
We drove the fifteen minutes or so to one of the more popular eateries in the area. It wasn't our preferred choice but it had French fries, and that was a major consideration in our choice.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Tax-free diet food (500 words)
As much as I like the beginning of a new year its arrival brings with it the notion of weight loss and taxes. If you are like me, you dread the thought of both.
Greg Duncan is the LCC's Gallivanting Gourmand.

Happy New (and improved!) Year (640)
From the creators of 2006, New Coke, and the remake of that movie that wasn't much good in the first place comes the most spectacular year yet: the new and improved 2007!
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

The Red Rider rides again (500 words)
Tom Cochrane's recent offering No Stranger reinforces his commitment to lyrical depth. No shallow ditties here, he confirms his place as Canada's premier songsmith.
Greg Duncan, the LCC's Gallivanting Gourmand, is also an old Rocker and can also write about it.

Yet another end-of-the year list (480)
It's a new year, which means that columnists across the land have officially used up their year's supply of ideas. Thus - tada! - the end-of-year best/worst column. Why, it almost writes itself...
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Questions I'm being asked about leaving Fool's Hollow (190)
Q: Is it true you're selling the Hovel and moving to Ontario?
John Mahoney edits the LCC.

Christmas wrapped up tight (660)
Someone - and it may have been someone in my own family - has given my mother a role of duct tape. This is like giving heroin to someone who obviously shouldn't have heroin.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

What's Hot or Not for 2007 (533 words)
The biggest food stories of 2006 saw us living in fear of a variety of contaminants in the average food supply. From e coli to salmonella, no animal or beast nor swimming creature was unaffected by some form of disease.
Greg Duncan is the LCC's Gallivanting Gourmand.

Cold enough for ya? (780)
One of the coldest times I ever spent was delivering newspapers in Stamford, Ontario, just outside of Niagara Falls. The wind was making a straight, unimpeded run from Windsor to the Honeymoon Capital of the World and the only thing in its way were my ears and nose.
Tim Belford is host of Quebec AM, CBC Radio's popular off-island morning program.

General office party rule: no photocopying (650)
The office Christmas party is rife with tradition: the goodwill between co-workers, the exchanging of suet-based gifts, skinny-dipping in the eggnog, the yuletide unicycles. Oh wait, those are traditions only here at Murray Corp.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Damned if I know (870 words)
The fighting part was easy. They reached Baghdad and tore down the statue of Hussein with very few losses. It was there that the plan ended.Jim Austin observes the Universe from Putney, Vermont.

The Spirit of Christmas is in your kitchen (500 words)
So you can finally get into the spirit of the season…a few years back, I posted this humorous list of Martha Stewart Christmas project ideas and the list is still landing in e-mail boxes everywhere. Some things are timeless.
Greg Duncan is the LCC's Gallivanting Gourmand.

Is there enough guilt in your diet? (640)
Last night I ate some Cheese Nips. These were American-brand Cheese Nips, which means they were extra cheesier than the Canadian version. If there's one thing the US has excelled at more than any other it's cheese-flavour augmentation.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Truffles, no trifling matter (500 words)
Right now, somewhere in the oak groves of Europe, dogs, pigs, and humans are on a quest for an elusive fungus worth its weight in gold ... good truffle can sell for $2000 and is highly treasured.
Greg Duncan is the LCC's Gallivanting Gourmand.

Citizen, we know who you are (300)
See, there are now the Good Guys, the patriots who are charged with keeping the Homeland safe from terrorists and criminals. And then there is Everybody Else.
John Mahoney edits this cyber rag.

About That Quebec 'Nation' Thing (640)
Asked what this new status will mean for Quebec, Duceppe replied, "Status as a nation will allow us to enjoy such nation-like elements as, oh, I don't know, a flag, borders with our neighbours, a separate tax system. And don't forget holidays. We can have our own national holidays. I know, it's incredible, right?"
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Quebec politics, Quebec desserts (620 words)
Forgive me, dear reader, if I put down my wine for a moment to raise the issue of 'Quebec as a nation.' It's the hot dinner topic of the week, don't you know. Listen carefully…
Greg Duncan is the LCC's Gallivanting Gourmand.

(580)
One of the most enduring predictions of George Orwell's 1984 was his description of 'newspeak,' the control of words by the state in order to control thought. Today, the struggle to control words is everywhere.
Ricky Blue is a Montreal-based humorist, singer, and writer.

Buy "my" book (650)
Technically, it's not "my" book but I'm in it. Ever so briefly, 150 words to be exact. But it's a real book with a real publisher and I'm being paid real money. Not yet, but I will be. I think.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Isn't "Henkel Trocken" German for "Mountain Dew"? (610)
Does champagne have an expiration date? Not real champagne but "champagne" in quotation marks, sparkling wine, the stuff of wedding receptions and New Year's Eve debaucheries. Sweet stuff with bubbles.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

The slur heard round' the world (695 words)
Who feels the loss of the US Senate more than skuzoid George Allen, erstwhile Senator of Virginia? George was all warm and cozy in his little nest of viperous Republican supporters, thinking no doubt that there was nothing on earth that could convince his legions of anti-abortion, snuff dippin', gun totin' gomers to vote against him.DAMNED IF I KNOW
Posted 12.14.06
JIM AUSTIN
The fighting part was easy. They reached Baghdad and tore down the statue of Hussein with very few losses. It was there that the plan ended.

Name one for Middle Of The Road Bob (575)
Money spent on new street signs and maps and self-congratulatory receptions will come from the highest-taxed people in North America. High taxes are as Quebecois as "Les Gens de Pays" which means "The mugs who pay."
Ricky Blue is a Montreal-based humorist, singer, and writer.

No hugs for you, or you either (640)
I'm not a naturally hugging person, nor am I huggable - all bones and pointy bits. I'm a true-blue white Anglo-Saxon Protestant. I come from Scottish stock that was opposed to premarital sex because it might lead to dancing.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Food news U need (540 words)
Why do we hear of more and more food related scares? This term we have witnessed spinach that contains E coli, carrot juice containing botulism, and meat contaminated with C difficile.
Greg Duncan is the LCC's Gallivanting Gourmand.

This column may be recorded to ensure quality service (695)
"Mr. Murray, I'm calling this evening on behalf of Belle to offer you some very interesting new services which I'm sure may interest you. You are already a Belle customer, Mr. Murray?"
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

A horrible Halloween tale, eh? (715)
And now they stood in the vast hallway of the mansion, famous for its jagged spires and columns, the gnarled bone-like fortifications and the brackish moat that gurgled ominously around it, all of which led the observer to ask, "What the heck is the zoning around here?"
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Some ado about a canoe (690)
There's a canoe on the front lawn. It's supposed to be by the side of the road to be picked up either by the garbage truck or people cruising the streets for junk, whichever comes first.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

The old Nigerian scam with a Canadian twist (830 words)
What would be the first emotion to come over you if you received a letter out of the blue notifying you that you had just won 80,000 bucks?
Ray Goyette dreams of winning in Budd Lake, New Jersey.

In my book, cookies = vegetables (525 words)
Yep, it's an indulgent time of year when we gobble up tons of Halloween candy between gorge fests. If that's not enough, the local school children hit the streets and descend on neighbors selling chocolate bars for a variety of school related activities. Combine all this food with a period of declining physical activity due to waning daylight hours, and you have a recipe for the bulge.
Greg Duncan is the LCC's Gallivanting Gourmand.

The last big turkey story (for about a month) (525)
It seems - at least for me - that it is impossible to obtain a reasonable sized version of my feathered friend. Something in the order of twelve pounds, say. Enough to feed two comfortably with ample leftovers for the inevitable post-feast sandwich.
Tim Belford is host of Quebec AM, CBC Radio's popular off-island morning program.

Keeping my cool, nearly (710)
The last thing I want to do is to embarrass my children. Okay, maybe it's not the last thing. I mean, if I had to choose between something terrible like having Céline Dion as a houseguest or embarrassing my children, I'm sorry, but the kids would have to suck it up.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Had enough, America? (250)
Listen, you're all invited to read this but I'm specifically addressing the morons who put Bush et al in control of the Universe as we know it.
John Mahoney is a dual American/Canadian citizen who edits the Log Cabin Chronicles and is mightily pissed off at his birth country's leadership. Or, rather, lack of leadership.
John Mahoney edits this cyber rag.

Why the Oldies are still Goodies (580)
Recently, I rediscovered an old Peter, Paul, and Mary cassette to enjoy in my van, pretty much the only place I listen to music any more. They had been a favourite back when I listened to music all the time (before kids).
Ricky Blue is a Montreal-based humorist, singer, and writer.

Turkey table tricks and treats (510 words)
Thanksgiving is North America's national chow-down feast, the one occasion each year when gluttony becomes a patriotic duty.
Greg Duncan is the LCC's Gallivanting Gourmand.

A Thanksgiving, Turkey (720)
Excuse me, please, everyone, can I have your attention? Cousin Shane, could you stop dangling the baby over the gravy boat for a minute? I'd like to say a few words before we tuck into this delicious Thanksgiving meal.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Grab a large spoon and dig in (380 words)
Perhaps my favorite food at this time of year is a hearty soup. Whether you prepare one using any of the in- season harvest vegetables or dried legumes such as beans, peas, or lentils, the smoky addition of ham, bacon ,or sausage can turn the ordinary into the extraordinary.
Greg Duncan is the LCC's Gallivanting Gourmand.

The nun inside us (570)
When I was growing up in Nova Scotia, Antigonish was knee-deep in nuns. But she was the only nun in my school, though she didn't really act like one. She was just a touch too sarcastic to be holy.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

After the fall (570)
I fell out of a canoe recently. It's something I haven't done for a very long time. The last time I recall doing anything quite so stupid was In 1963. And then I had an excuse.
Tim Belford is host of Quebec AM, CBC Radio's popular off-island morning program.

The Birth and Death of Honest Conservatism (870 words)
Today's politician is much more likely to kiss the ass of anyone who can influence voters rather than use their boot. Goldwater flew up in my estimation in the film when, in one of his clips, he denounced those who would politicize abortion or deny the rights of homosexuals.
Jim Austin writes in Putney, Vermont.

Quebec's apple season is in full swing (400 words)
I think that our cold nights give Quebec apples a certain advantage in taste over any grown elsewhere. The night cold does something to the sugars within and, as daily sun shines down on orchard rows, it warms the apple from its sleep. This cycle makes apples grow sweeter daily while retaining perfect crunch with a tingle of tartness to boot.
Greg Duncan is the LCC's Gallivanting Gourmand.

Nothing scary in the dark except grumpy dad (670)
At some point, somehow, Abby became afraid of the dark. She's five years old and can't go to sleep in her room alone.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Lord Stanley's cup and camp (800 words)
The problem with taking on a massive project like boiling the history of hockey in Canada down to ten hours of TV (minus commercials) is that inevitably things don't make the cut. This is no way a knock on the folks who put together Hockey: A People's History.
Peter Black is the producer of CBC Radio's Breakaway program, based in Quebec City, a columnist on Canadian affairs, and a freelance writer.

It's a doctor-patient thing, eh? (640)
Here's something maybe you didn't know: a referral for blood work is no longer good after more than two years. Why this should be I'm not sure. If the doctor wanted to check your serotoblerone levels when he saw you nearly three years ago, he's probably still going to want to see them now, if not more so.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

My Fair Français (650 words)
My Fair Lady is a smash hit in Quebec. That in itself might not be surprising since the Lerner and Lowe musical comedy is one of the most popular and adored ever produced. What is perhaps notable is that the words and lyrics for the Quebec version of My Fair Lady are entirely in French - except for the play's famous title and the occasional "By George!" outburst from Professor Henry Higgins.
Peter Black is the producer of CBC Radio's Breakaway program, based in Quebec City, a columnist on Canadian affairs, and a freelance writer.

Mister Fixit rides again (625)
I borrowed my neighbour's pipe wrench. My other neighbour saw me returning with it and started to laugh - she's heard the stories.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Quebec in the major leagues (815 words)
Meanwhile, in Quebec, there are still some professional baseball play-offs to be had. Les Capitales de Quebec faced their Can-Am League rivals, the North Shore Spirit of Lynn, Massachusetts, in a play-off run that could well be over by the time you read this.
Peter Black is the producer of CBC Radio's Breakaway program, based in Quebec City, a columnist on Canadian affairs, and a freelance writer.

Plumb easy and plumb good (450 words)
It's still a few months until Christmas, but it's plum season, nonetheless. If you have a plum tree or know any one who does then chances are that you have more plums than you will ever need.
Greg Duncan is the LCC's Gallivanting Gourmand.

Plight of Quebec anglos a laughing matter, but not on CBC-TV (590)
Recently I have been lucky enough to be involved with a "hit" show. I call it a hit because it sells out wherever we perform it. It is called The Four Anglos of the Apocalypse. It features columnist Josh Freed, cartoonist Terry Mosher (Aislin), George Bowser, and myself.
Ricky Blue is a Montreal-based humorist, singer, and writer.

Fun time is over, kids -- back to school (700)
Another school year has begun. Where has the summer gone? And while I'm at it, where has the DVD remote gone?

Quebec looks to close missing link (750 words)
Along that stretch of coast, the destination for centuries for whaling and cod fleets, explorers, and seabirds, lie sixteen villages, twelve of which have English as their main language, while the others are French and Innu. Some of these villages date back nearly half a millennium; Middle Bay, for example, got its start as a post for Basque whalers in the 1500s.
Peter Black is the producer of CBC Radio's Breakaway program, based in Quebec City, a columnist on Canadian affairs, and a freelance writer.

Chocolate chips and zukes go together yummily (450 words)
"What the heck am I going to do with this entire zucchini?" She was pointing at a green behemoth waiting patiently on the ground.
Greg Duncan is the LCC's Gallivanting Gourmand.

In Vino Veritas (1000 words)
Apparently Mel blew a .012 on the Breathalyzer. Well a bunch of us decided to try and drink enough to reach that level of intoxication, as an experiment you see. Given that Mel blamed the entire episode on the booze we wanted to see if any of us would turn into raving bigots under the influence of too much beer.
Jim Austin writes in Putney, Vermont.

What I learned in PEI (725)
Skunks are cockier than raccoons. Our campsites were invaded by one, then the other in the middle of the night. I tried to scare away the skunk by throwing small objects near it (but not at it - you don't want to hit the trigger).
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Jacques Cartier find in QC raises questions (795 words)
Archaeologists, historians, and politicians are proclaiming it as surely the most important archaeological discovery in Quebec history and the answer to one of Canada's most baffling historical mysteries. Last week Quebec officials announced to the world they had found the long-sought site of the Cartier-Roberval settlement of 1541-43.
Peter Black is the producer of CBC Radio's Breakaway program, based in Quebec City, a columnist on Canadian affairs, and a freelance writer.

High Eatin' With A Blender (450 words)
You've eaten corn on the cob until you just can't eat any more, you're panicked at the thought of back to school and back to work reality, and you need a vacation from your vacation, right?
Greg Duncan is the LCC's Gallivanting Gourmand.

Nightmare for QC elm trees (740 words)
We returned from our annual summer vacation trip to find two of the five towering maples in our backyard mangled by a mini-hurricane that had swept through the neighbourhood while we were gone.

Future borders of my youth (670)
Back when I was a young man, people would cross the border from what was once called "Canada" to the United States, sometimes every day, for work, food, and what we used to call "gasoline." That was before Emperor Rove's armies invaded to contain the "socialist disease" and changed Canada's status from "country" to "Wal-Mart Supply Outlet 4312."
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Stupid helmet! (680)
She'll want to ride her bike somewhere and will be fighting us on wearing her helmet. She hates helmets. It's gotten to the point where she refuses to ride her bike rather than put one on. And now she'll have ammo...
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Taking sides on Lebanon: Quebec's rocky history with Jews (740 words)
Quebec has a long and ambiguous relationship with Jews. The recent large demonstration in Montreal, purportedly in support of peace in Lebanon, is seen as the latest expression of that troubled past.
Peter Black is the producer of CBC Radio's Breakaway program, based in Quebec City, a columnist on Canadian affairs, and a freelance writer.

Anglos can beat QC language cops by signing right names (590)
Imagine, this would undo ten years of kissing up to the nationalists while taking for granted all of us who mistakenly voted for Premier Jean Charest because we thought he might bring back justice and fairness to Quebec.
Ricky Blue is a Montreal-based humorist, singer, and writer.

Jim's back and he's got some Sport Shorts for ya (780 words)
Well, I just got back from our Brazilian vacation my fellow Americans and I can tell you that the Brazilians are not too happy. Two reasons...
Jim Austin touches all the bases in Putney, Vermont.

Back to the future with garbage (680 words)
What makes Chornet's process particularly attractive is it uses existing waste as a fuel, which avoids the somewhat contradictory problem with corn-fed ethanol, in that it doesn't require more energy to make than it produces.
Peter Black is the producer of CBC Radio's Breakaway program, based in Quebec City, a columnist on Canadian affairs, and a freelance writer.

Bugs Redux (this time in my head) (665)
How do I know I have tinnitus and not just, say, waxy buildup? Because I've been diagnosed. By Google.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Gazpacho Time (530 words)
You are burned out on the barbecue, aren't you? You have grilled, seared, roasted, and singed 'till you just can't stand the heat any longer -- you just might be exhibiting all the classic symptoms, my friend.
Greg Duncan is the LCC's Gallivanting Gourmand.

Bugs: This time it's personal (660)
If bugs were truckers, the potato plant would be the equivalent of a brightly flashing neon sign at the end of a long day on the road that reads "Gas! Lodging! Defoliate!" Throw in some nude dancing aphids and what orange-blooded parasite could resist?
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

From Russia, with gas (695 words)
Petro-Canada wants to lock in a long-term relationship with Gazprom which extracts an enormous amount of natural gas from Russian fields. It has known reserves of about 918 trillion cubic feet, which should be enough to keep Gros Cacouna going for quite some time, with its projected production of 500 million cubic feet a day.
Peter Black is the producer of CBC Radio's Breakaway program, based in Quebec City, a columnist on Canadian affairs, and a freelance writer.

(525 words)
Pssst! Need any weed killer? Cheap wine? What?
There is illicit trade going on right in your neighborhood ,dear Quebecers. Perhaps you've noticed furtive discussions between Mr. Smith and Mr. Tremblay going on across the street...Remember, you'll never know where you'll find the good doctor. Perhaps in line behind you at WalMart. Dining at the neighboring table. Returning a corked bottle of wine to the local supermarket. Stumbling out of the dentist's chair. But whereever the good doctor perambulates, rest assured that all five senses will be focused on the immediate experience and ready to assimilate any tainted data for another random act of observation...

Retired QC physician self-publishes photo book (380)
SHERBROOKE, QC | Just in time for High Summer, Dr. Robert 'Bob' Paulette's new photographic portrait of Quebec's Eastern Townships has just come off the press. The Eastern Townships contains some 100 of Paulette's color photographs made over the years throughout the backroads of this lovely region of southern Quebec.
John Mahoney edits the Log Cabin Chronicles.

Taking a legal break, eh? (635)
Since last week, this column has been on Construction Holiday. Oh, it's still running, but it has to comply with Quebec's stringent Construction Holiday Regulations under the Régie de la Solidarité des Whoopees du Québec (Chapter 4, Section D2: "Pundits, Crackpots and Pseudo-Intellectuals").
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Rhapsody in Blue (435 words)
Let's talk about B and Bs, shall we? I don't mean overnight bed and breakfasts whereby you cuddle up in a Laura Ashley-themed room and read a 1000 page novel on a cold winter weekend in a remote Vermont hideaway, either. No, I speak of the color blue and the world's most wonderful berry.
Greg Duncan is the LCC's Gallivanting Gourmand.

Remembering Talbot Papineau (745 words)
Talbot Mercer Papineau was the great-grandson of patriote leader Louis-Joseph; on his mother's side he was a descendant of a signatory of the American Declaration of Independence. He was a flawlessly bilingual Montreal lawyer, an outstanding athlete, a handsome lady's man, a Rhodes scholar, a world traveler and, inevitably, a sometimes arrogant self-promoter.
Peter Black is the producer of CBC Radio's Breakaway program, based in Quebec City, a columnist on Canadian affairs, and a freelance writer.

How to have fun camping and not drown (655)
You need all this stuff to keep the children entertained. Take the glo-sticks, for example. They're a good diversion for the campfire between servings of S'mores. It also helps you keep track of the kids when they wander off...
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Help Montreal golfers keep it green - don't let the airport pave it over (590)
Why does it seem that in a back room somewhere deals have been made, plans have been drawn up and large sums of money have changed hands, public be damned?
Ricky Blue is a Montreal-based humorist, singer, and writer.

Remembering Quebec's Deluge a decade later (655 words)
Former premier Lucien Bouchard of Quebec says he quit as premier because he had failed to revive the flame of sovereignty. Looking back, it seems to make more sense, at least on a personal level, that the political fire in Bouchard's belly may have been doused by unprecedented amounts of water and ice.
Peter Black is the producer of CBC Radio's Breakaway program, based in Quebec City, a columnist on Canadian affairs, and a freelance writer.

Cooling with the cucumbers (425 words)
A trip to the local air-conditioned grocery store can provide some welcome respite from the sun and humidity of a hot summer day. I know, because I have made a visit to the ice cream and frozen food section on more than one occasion, just to cool off.
Greg Duncan is the LCC's Gallivanting Gourmand.

Oh, those rainy days of summer (680)
Under these rainy conditions when your house is filled with kids and guests, you need to rely on your wits and cunning to keep everyone entertained while remaining sane. Booze helps.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Ottawa cautious on the Massif hill (710 words)
Now, Cirque du Soleil co-founder Daniel Gauthier wants governments to ante up $60 million as a sign of faith in what he vows will be a spectacular and unique development, the pastoral Quebec equivalent of Love, his ex-partner's new Beatles extravaganza in Las Vegas.
Peter Black is the producer of CBC Radio's Breakaway program, based in Quebec City, a columnist on Canadian affairs, and a freelance writer.

Ribs, salsa, summertime (400 words)
I pity the poor piggies at this time of year. Once our outdoor grills get fired up, there is one inevitable barbecue truth on the horizon. Ribs will make their way to our patios and smoky sessions will begin.
Greg Duncan is the LCC's Gallivanting Gourmand.

Get to know your Canada, eh? (605)
New Brunswick's motto is "Spem reduxit," which means, "Place to drive through as quickly as possible." New Brunswick fun fact: By law, all first-born males must be named "Phineas."

Quebec's Premier Charest gets a pony of a poll (640 words)
While John-James celebrated his 48th at home in the Eastern Townships on the St. Jean Baptiste holiday, pollsters were completing the tabulation of a stunning survey. The Leger Marketing poll showed the Liberals pulling ahead of the Parti Quebecois for the first time in three years.
Peter Black is the producer of CBC Radio's Breakaway program, based in Quebec City, a columnist on Canadian affairs, and a freelance writer.

Through the Looking Glass (740 words)
If this is a war, which it is, then when the war ends neither we nor the Iraqi government can seek out and prosecute the fighters. Why would a warrior ever agree to a peace if they thought they would be thrown in jail and perhaps executed for their role as an insurgent?
Jim Austin writes in Putney, Vermont.

Dad's Guide to Summer (580)
This summer I will be attending many sporting events. In my family there is a soccer player, a football player, a baseball player, a softball player and an umpire - and I only have two kids. Consequently, in my mini van I carry:
Ricky Blue is a Montreal-based humorist, singer, and writer.

All Orford, all the time (650)
In Quebec's ongoing top story of 2006 (or quite possibly ever), opponents of the Mount Orford Park land deal say they will launch a legal challenge against the Quebec government's legislation to sell off a portion of the public land.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Quebec's Educationist Shuck & Dive Squad (450)
Q: What glows and stinks like dead fish in the moonlight?
A: The so-called school kids' Laptop Initiative bulldogged by the Eastern Townships School Board (ETSB).
John Mahoney edits the Log Cabin Chronicles.

Quebec's Shawinigate, the closing act (860 words)
The Crown is trying to prove that on the night of February 2, 2004, Duhaime set fire to the old wing of the hotel. To do that prosecutors will have to demonstrate Duhaime had not only the motive, but the time to ignite flammable materials in a hotel room that fire officials say caused the blaze.
Peter Black is the producer of CBC Radio's Breakaway program, based in Quebec City, a columnist on Canadian affairs, and a freelance writer.

You've got your strawberries, your rhubarb (575 words)
The strawberries that we know and love today are the cultivated ancestors of wild varieties that once grew in abundance in colder northern climates, such as the Americas. We can thank First Nation peoples for demonstrating just what to do with them. In fact, our much beloved strawberry shortcake is an adaptation from simple strawberry bread made by Native Americans.
Greg Duncan is the LCC's Gallivanting Gourmand.

So, how do you like me so far? (650)
If fatherhood were a business, Father's Day would be the end of the fiscal year, the moment when you finally get that year-end bonus you've been working towards for the past twelve months, except instead of shares in the company you get ties and golf balls.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Getting English out of the Quebec toaster (745 words)
Quebec Education Minister Jean-Marc Fournier has a lofty vision for a new generation of bilingual Quebecers: "Perhaps we can go further than 'yes, no, toaster.' "
Peter Black is the producer of CBC Radio's Breakaway program, based in Quebec City, a columnist on Canadian affairs, and a freelance writer.

A Red Meat Day At The Cow Palace (560)
DERBY CENTER, VT | If you're a Vegan, read no further. This here piece is about red meat and whiskey followed by pie and ice cream.
John Mahoney edits the Log Cabin Chronicles.

Sports hero beards and other superstitions (680)
Over the past year or so, my 10-year-old has become one of those boys who can rattle off players' names like they're buddies from school, who pledges allegiance to the team (Senators... okay, now the Oilers), and who collects hockey cards for the cards and not (like I did) just for the gum.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Beware of Beans (680 words)
How can you people not understand that gay marriage rocks the underpinnings of our culture? Allowing two people of the same sex live together like man and wife is not only an affront to God, it destroys the sanctity of marriage and undermines even the marriages of differently sexed couples.
Jim Austin writes in Putney, Vermont.

Quebec shipyard stays afloat (780 words)
If the Davie shipyard in Levis were a cat it would be purring into its ninth life, its belly full of Norwegian herring.
Peter Black is the producer of CBC Radio's Breakaway program, based in Quebec City, a columnist on Canadian affairs, and a freelance writer.

Veteran QC newspaper editor retires (1100)
SHERBROOKE, QC | It's a far piece to travel from the Gaspé to the Eastern Townships but not as far as from the tiny Gaspé SPEC community newspaper to the editorship of the daily Sherbrooke Record.
John Mahoney edits the Log Cabin Chronicles.

The yahoos aren't that funny anymore (660)
I was thinking recently that there are few moments of small-town life more satisfying than seeing one of the local tire-squealing, peace-disturbing, life-risking, high-speed yahoos pulled over by the cops.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Patrick Roy's Quebec homecoming (830 words)
Almost exactly three years ago goaltending legend Patrick Roy hung up his pads, looked north beyond the Colorado Rocky Mountains, and saw his destiny.
Peter Black is the producer of CBC Radio's Breakaway program, based in Quebec City, a columnist on Canadian affairs, and a freelance writer.

The Blues at Pete's (590)
If you have ever been to Smoked Meat Pete's on Ile Perrot, on Montreal's West Island, you know that Pete is a blues fan. He always has blues music playing in his restaurant and even has live blues bands on Thursday, Friday, and Saturday.
Ricky Blue is a Montreal-based humorist, singer, and writer.

The One-dollar Circle of Hell (650)
If you find yourself in a mall and you pass by a dollar store, you may see a man hovering near the entrance. He will be slumped, looking not just bored but utterly defeated, like someone whose soul has been pulverized by the despair of ever seeing his family emerge from the shelves of useless trinkets and tinned meats.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

They spatchcock chickens, don't they? (410 words)
Perhaps you have heard of grilled chicken under a brick. But have you tried this ancient method of splitting a chicken down the back and then weighting and flattening it for an afternoon grill?
Greg Duncan is the LCC's Gallivanting Gourmand.

Trying to make census of it all (605)
As a follow-up to the 2006 Census and to improve future statistics-divulging experiences, please take the time to complete the survey below. All responses are confidential, except for Question 9, which our employees are likely to show around the office and laugh and laugh and laugh.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Quebec - finally - butts out (690 words)
At midnight on May 31 Quebec finally joins the other nine provinces in banning smoking in virtually all public places, including restaurants and bars. It's been a long time in coming, and even though certain groups are fuming - pardon the pun - the Charest government felt the time was right for Quebecers to go cold turkey in the province's eateries and watering holes.
Peter Black is the producer of CBC Radio's Breakaway program, based in Quebec City, a columnist on Canadian affairs, and a freelance writer.

Eat green to perk up, eh? (380 words)
This spring season has been very useful for cool weather vegetables that appreciate moisture and chill. If you haven't noticed, there have been many pickers at roadside gathering wild salad ingredients.
Greg Duncan is the LCC's Gallivanting Gourmand.

Baseball, Bonds, and the Immortal Bard (580)
"I'll just take a little of this under my tongue and shoot a little of that into my heinie and suddenly a Texas leaguer will sail all the way into the Bay. Hello! Super-size me!"
Ricky Blue is a Montreal-based humorist, singer, and writer.

Guns, guns for everyone (630)
Canada Customs officers were jumping with joy (albeit without cracking a smile) recently after they learned that the federal Conservatives will honour their pledge to start providing them with guns.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

RC Church 'promotes' Québ&e;cute;cois cursing (680 words)
As any Canadian with even a passing knowledge of Qu&ecute;bécois French will know, the curses of choice in the province are almost exclusively of religious origin.
Peter Black is the producer of CBC Radio's Breakaway program, based in Quebec City, a columnist on Canadian affairs, and a freelance writer.

Harder than Chinese Algebra (720 words)
This local tempest is a microcosm of our national political situation. Republicans in this country had every chance to dump George Bush after he screwed up his first term. They did it to his daddy. But no, something changed in the psyche of the feral Republicans...
Jim Austin writes in Putney, Vermont.

Orange Dream Cake (400 words)
We roasted split chickens rubbed with lemon; garlic, oregano, and sea salt and enjoyed a yellow bean and new potato salad with roasted red peppers and a mound of steamed organic brown rice.
Greg Duncan is the LCC's Gallivanting Gourmand.

Conversations with Moe and other tricks (670)
Who says you can't train a cat? Every night, around 4 a.m., our cat Moe pads upstairs or hops down from the comfy spot he's found wrapped around one of the children's head. Then he comes to my bed and meows to be let outside.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Honor thy Mother with a casserole (300 words)
It is appropriate that Mothers Day always falls on a Sunday as this gives kids and Dads the perfect opportunity to make Mom a breakfast in bed. If you make this dish then you can catch a few extra winks too and pop it in the oven so she can wake to the smell of yummy promises.
Greg Duncan is the LCC's Gallivanting Gourmand.

Quebec doubts loom about gay secessionist Boisclair (740 words)
There is a temptation to see Quebec as having a Jerry Seinfeld "not- that-there's-anything-wrong-with-that" point of view when it comes to homosexuality.
Peter Black is the producer of CBC Radio's Breakaway program, based in Quebec City, a columnist on Canadian affairs, and a freelance writer.

Not Java Jiving here (400 words)
It was only a matter of time then that coffee was put to good use as a barbecue rub for steaks. In fact, this dry rub is so good that it was the primary reason for a first place win in a national steak-cooking contest to the tune of a $50,000 grand prize.
Greg Duncan is the LCC's Gallivanting Gourmand.

Don't get me going on the Tim Horton chain (490 words)
Random Acts of Observation by Dr. Anonymous.
Oh, my, he has it in for the Tim Horton franchise. As usual, he's hit the nail on the head, once again. Remember, you'll never know where you'll find the good doctor. Perhaps in line behind you at WalMart. Dining at the neighboring table. Returning a corked bottle of wine to the local supermarket. Stumbling out of the dentist's chair. But whereever the good doctor perambulates, rest assured that all five senses will be focused on the immediate experience and ready to assimilate any tainted data for another random act of observation...

To the bold go the doughnuts (640)
My mob stood at the counter determining whether to order the McLump or the McFat when the man approached us and said, "Do you mind if I go first? I just want a coffee."
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Stephane Dion runs against Canadian 'alternance' (815 words)
First of all, Stephane Dion is anything but stupid. You might add that neither is he vain, foolish, nor mentally unbalanced.
Peter Black is the producer of CBC Radio's Breakaway program, based in Quebec City, a columnist on Canadian affairs, and a freelance writer.

The advantages of not keeping up with the Joneses (590)
Thieves love electronic equipment. It is easy to sell. Everybody wants it. But there are exceptions. Apparently if a thief breaks into your house he will leave the VCR behind. Yes, you know a technology is obsolete when even the thieves won't take it.
Ricky Blue is a Montreal-based humorist, singer, and writer.

Good Old Dad's Very Best Olives (430 words)
>I make these olives often as they go very fast around here. My daughter Erin especially loves them and I can't keep them in stock, as she will eat a whole jar in one sitting. It must be the marinade.
Greg Duncan is the LCC's Gallivanting Gourmand.