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Log Cabin Chronicles | March 2010

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Give me a break
Posted 03.09.10
ROSS MURRAY
Why do we have to go anywhere? Since when does March Break have to be this family vacation in the middle of the school year? Who's responsible for this? The travel industry? The City of Fort Lauderdale? Hallmark?
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Help me, I'm not Irish
Posted 03.02.10
ROSS MURRAY
I know I don't know a lot about a lot of things. Usually this is perfectly fine. There's no handicap in going through life without knowing, for instance, the history of Winnipeg, mainly because I don't care about Winnipeg and, frankly, Winnipeg doesn't care about me.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Your Winter Olympic questions answered
Posted 02.22.10
ROSS MURRAY
Why the Winter Olympics? The Winter Olympics are also a means of distracting the population from the cold days of February and from controversial global events, such as, in the case of the current Olympics, Canada's participation in the largest air assault in Afghanistan. Afghanistan is not competing in Vancouver but is expected to be a contender in the 2012 summer games in the 500 Metre Fleeing From Gunfire Relay.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Feeling a little L0VE sick?
Posted 02.14.10
ROSS MURRAY
The World Health Organization is bracing for the outbreak of a new virus that could lead to the next global pandemic. Known as "lunaticius-0 vascular excitamitus," or L0VE for short, the virus has so far proven both unpredictable and difficult to study. Scientists everywhere are saying to themselves, "I want to know what L0VE is."
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

The Republican health care bill
Posted 02.10.10
FRANK BERNHEISEL
As I mope around the house nursing my cold (eye, nose, and throat infections -- hooray for modern antibiotics and walk-in clinics, even though you pay out of pocket and out of program) I am musing on health care. Yes, America has really good and maybe the best health care, if you can afford it.

My first flophouse
Posted 01.26.10
ROSS MURRAY
Really, the only reason I even thought she might be a hooker was because a user comment on a hotel-rating website happened to mention a hooker. And the only reason I was reading the user comments in the first place was to check the rumour about the bedbugs.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Americans, don't be distracted
Posted 01.25.10
FRANK BERNHEISEL
The people of Massachusetts elected Scott Brown to fill the vacant seat in the U.S. Senate and you would think that there had been a cataclysm and that everything that had been done in the last full year -- where health care was debated, discussed and dissected -- was negated and the President Obama was dead meat.
Frank Bernheisel writes from the Washington DC region.

Oh Canada, guess who's coming to dinner?
Posted 01.18.10
ROSS MURRAY
Come on in. Oops, but wait. If you don't mind, before you step inside, if you wouldn't mind just passing through this full body scan, please. Standard procedure. You can never be too sure, right? Nothing personal, but you do fit the profile: shifty eyes, awkward body language, inability to answer a straight question.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

First, close your eyes and visualize
Posted 01.13.10
ROSS MURRAY
When I'm not writing scintillating newspaper columns or working at the Novelty Song Preservation Society, I am a part-time motivational speaker. Through my inspiring words, musical numbers, and an awesome PowerPoint presentation, I help people become more goal-oriented, positive and motivated -- or as I like to say, "MEtivated."
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

2009: Photo finish
Posted 01.01.10
ROSS MURRAY
Back in the days of film photography (gather round, now, young 'uns...), people used discretion when taking pictures. With only 24 shots to a roll, they had to ask themselves, "Is a photo of my foot truly film-worthy?" Or, "Do I really need a photo of myself when I could remind myself of how stunningly good looking I am simply by passing a mirror?"
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Dear Santa
Posted 12.24.09
ROSS MURRAY
We would like to express our grave concerns about SantaCorp's hiring policy. A review of the employee roster shows a glaring lack of diversity. There appears to be an almost fetishistic adherence to hiring vertically challenged individuals with malformations of the ear. While SantaCorp should be applauded for its willingness to hire people with differences, the exclusive nature of these hires is of concern.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Pass the US health care reform bill
Posted 12.20.09
FRANK BERNHEISEL
Why is the US health care bill 2000 pages long? Because that is the way we do legislation in the U. S. of A. Specifically, Congress does not choose to enact legislation that lays down principles, guidelines, and criteria. They try to spell things out in detail to make sure that those faceless bureaucrats in Washington to not run amuck and do something rational.
Frank Bernheisel writes from the Washington DC region.

The Olympic Torch Moves West
Posted 12.13.09
ROSS MURRAY
My friend and colleague Eryn was one of the 12,000 Canadians selected to carry the torch. If that isn't cool enough, she also gets to keep her white Olympic torchbearer outfit, which looks like the official pyjamas of the Canadian Dairy Association.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

The unwritten rules of postering
Posted 12.08.09
ROSS MURRAY
We live by countless unwritten rules. For example, if you're at the checkout with a cart full of groceries and the person behind you has only a handful of items, you let that person go ahead, even if that person has questionable taste in cereal. Another unwritten rule is that the person you let ahead should not then proceed to purchase lottery tickets and/or pay for them by debit card. If that happens, you are allowed to throw a tin of Beef-A-Roni at the person. This last bit is not an unwritten rule but I think we can all agree it is fair and just.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

An inconvenient fruit
Posted 11.27.09
ROSS MURRAY
If I take an orange to work, I have to find a 15-minute window of opportunity to a) peel my orange; b) peel that horrid white pith off; c) find some paper towel because I've got orange oil all over me; d) break the orange into wedges; e) tear off some more paper towel; f) eat the orange; and g) go wash my hands because the paper towel just isn't cutting it.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Ask the "doctor"(690)
Posted 11.21.09
ROSS MURRAY
This is particularly the case for the Baby Boomers, that obsessively self-absorbed demographic whose bodies have passed their best-before date. Their every twinge, ache, or burble is accompanied by a looming sense of mortality and an overwhelming urge to know the worst. No wonder waiting rooms are so over-crowded. There's not a doctor shortage in Canada. There's a complaint surplus.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

And don't forget the imported gourmet pretzels...(690)
Posted 11.14.09
ROSS MURRAY
I'm writing to let you know that my daughter will once again be making the rounds with her Crapmore Gift Fundraiser Catalogue. This year, the money raised will help pay for her class field trip to the Musée des excursions éducatifs in Rimouski. Yup, sure glad public education is free (ha-ha)...
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

H1N1: Our best shot at obsession(650)
Posted 11.06.09
ROSS MURRAY
But, I'm sorry, these days it's all H1N1 all the time. H1N1 may be the most famous number-letter combo since R2-D2. I can't recall when a subject so insinuated itself into our psyches. Even after 9/11, I never looked at my neighbours and thought, "Hmmm, I wonder if Jim's a terrorist..." But if I see a co-worker so much as scratch his nose, I seriously consider reporting him to the germ police.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Welcome to FaceBOO!: A gruesome Halloween parable(760)
Posted 10.26.09
ROSS MURRAY
Allison slouched at her computer and decided to make the best of the evening. So what if her date to the Crimson Conga Cotillion had cancelled? Who wants to dance in a line all night anyway? And it's so uncomfortable wearing all that fruit. No, she was better off at home with her mug of Placid Hospice Herbal Tea and her friends -- her Facebook friends. She had 342 of them, a good two-thirds of whom she actually knew, mostly from her high school, St. Scantily School for Girls. Allison checked her updates...
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Municipal election? Yes, no, or none of the above(735)
Posted 10.26.09
ROSS MURRAY
Is there an election in your municipality? Are you sure? What if you're wrong? Won't you feel silly showing up at town hall November 1 and there's nothing to put an X on. Luckily it's a Sunday so there won't be many people around. But still, the embarrassment will burn deep.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Revenge of the Thanksgiving turkey(690)
Posted 10.12.09
ROSS MURRAY
Everyone? Everyone? Can I have your attention please? Uncle Charlie, stop palpating the pumpkins for just a minute. Kenny, if you could refrain from gnawing the charred carpet... Thank you. Can you all see me through the smoke? I'd like to say a few words before we get to my traditional Thanksgiving grace.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Dog-walking in Cairo(1350)
Posted 10.11.09
KATHLEEN SAVILLE
We turned left on Sharia Mansour Mohamed, towards the Serbian Embassy, whose sideways are nice and wide though with few patches of dirt. I've found those little patches of dirt around the trees, framed by the sidewalk bricks, the best places for Sandy to investigate. The Serbian Embassy must know that Zamalek dog walkers instinctively gravitate towards such sidewalks as theirs are bereft of trees. Sandy is only warming up on the Serbian sidewalks though, sniffing her way pass the guardhouses.
Rower Kathleen Saville teaches and writes in Cairo, Egypt. She can be reached at ksaville@acuegypt.edu

School photos? Awww, shoot!(670)
Posted 10.05.09
ROSS MURRAY
I have nothing against portraits of children. Particularly in elementary school, the annual photograph is the equivalent of marking a child's height on the doorframe, a document of how much the child has grown in a year and the increasing likelihood of orthodontic intervention. Plus, as the children get older, they'll get a kick out of looking back at their bad haircuts and dazed smiles, except, of course, when you threaten to show them to their new boyfriend or girlfriend.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

The bouncy thing(660)
Posted 09.26.09
ROSS MURRAY
It's a great day in a parent's life when a child becomes too big to go on those inflatable bouncy games you find at fairs and carnivals. It's not that you want to deny your child the joys of jumping in a cushioned, germ-filled environment. It's just that if you want to do anything other than stand around as your child waits in line for her three-minute turn inside a pink, blow-up castle, you're in the wrong place.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

FIFTY-SIX YEARS AGO TODAY
Fifty-six years ago today I enlisted in the US Army. I was 17 and had no idea what I was doing.
John Mahoney has published the LCC since March, 1996.

A history of Quebec's Eastern Townships(660)
Posted 09.22.09
ROSS MURRAY
The Eastern Townships were opened to settlement in 1791. There's a common misconception that the first settlers were United Empire Loyalists but most, in fact, were people looking for cheap land in the countryside and willing to drive out the locals to get it. Today, we would call these people Montrealers.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

NIGGER! NIGGER! NIGGER! (140)
Posted 09.14.09
JOHN MAHONEY
That's what US Rep. Joe 'You Lie!' Wilson -- aka Addison Graves Wilson, Sr.,. Republican of South Carolina -- really yelled during President Obama's health care address. And that's really what all the crazies are screeching at Town Hall Meetings, parades and protests, on YouTube with their code words:
John Mahoney has published the LCC since March, 1996.

This (openable) column has no strings attached(680)
Posted 09.09.09
ROSS MURRAY
I could go on and on. For instance, I could grumble at length about creeping French. It goes like this: "The cost of the belly dancing course is $50 (including finger cymbals). Inscription will take place on opening day." Did you catch that? My spell checker didn't.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

A Cairo commuter in Ramadan 2007(1620)
Posted 09.05.09
KATHLEEN SAVILLE
On Sharia Sheikh Rehan, the roadway is nearly deserted. The early evening lighting is pleasing. The buildings along Sheikh Rehan are of the French colonial era and the twilight softens their dirty brown facades to a soft tungsten lighting that is reminisant of Cairo in her heyday as "The Jewel of the Nile" in the early 1900s.
Rower Kathleen Saville teaches and writes in Cairo, Egypt. She can be reached at ksaville@acuegypt.edu

Happy (School) Days Are Here Again(635)
Posted 08.29.09
ROSS MURRAY
To prepare for opening day and to ensure the efficient functioning of our classrooms, you will find below the list of school supplies that your child ABSOLUTELY MUST HAVE. It is critical that you DO NOT DEVIATE FROM THIS LIST.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

US health care already rationed
Posted 08.26.09
FRANK BERNHEISEL
In the U.S. of A., we have a long history of rationing health care. The reason triage came into the English language in 1918 is because the casualties of WWI were so high they swamped the medical facilities. It is the same in every war and disaster.

It also occurs in local emergency rooms, especially on Friday and Saturday nights.
Frank Bernheisel writes from the Washington DC region.

A row on the Nile(740)
Clumps of water lilies float by the boat. A working felucca crosses the river ahead of me, ferrying people from Gezira Island to the Giza side. I row on, entranced by the smooth motion of the oars as I push them forward and with a flick of the wrists, drop the oar blades in the water. Since I'm going with current, the pull through is easy and the oar handles are back in my lap ready to be pushed away over and over. The waves are minimal, barely a ripple to contend with.Posted 08.21.09
KATHLEEN SAVILLE

Rower Kathleen Saville teaches and writes in Cairo, Egypt. She can be reached at ksaville@acuegypt.edu

So you want to be a virtual rock 'n' roll star...(640)
Posted 08.19.09
ROSS MURRAY
We've let a monster into our house. It's not under the bed or hiding in the closet. It's just sitting there, in the open, by the television, with wires like tentacles, waiting to reach out and suck you in. We've bought... a PlayStation.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

How I saved the economy(660)
Posted 08.09.09
ROSS MURRAY
In my e-mail to Canadian workers who were taking an unanticipated break from wage-earning, I wrote, "Look, it's summer, the kids are out of school, the weather's great. Okay, the kids are out of school. Anyway, take advantage of this interruption in the daily grind.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Yes, Obama is guilty
Of course he is. Just look at him. President Obama is barely half white.
John Mahoney edits the LCC.

Can you dig the River Ross?(670)
Posted 07.29.09
ROSS MURRAY
I just spent a week on the Bay of Fundy, which was recently named to a short list as a wonder of the world. By this, I don't think they mean, "It's so cold, it's a wonder anyone goes swimming," but that might be closer to the truth.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Health care? Do something!
Posted 07.24.09
FRANK BERNHEISEL
Coming to work, GOP Rep. Eric Cantor of Virginia was on CSPAN radio talking about health care and how President Obama did not say much yesterday in his press conference on health care. He went on about how Americans will not give up their sacred right to choose their own doctor, etc.
Frank Bernheisel writes from the Washington DC region.

Big game hunter, me (570)
The Powers That Be don't allow elimination by lead here in Cobden on the Muskrat. That puts me in the armed but not dangerous category.
John Mahoney edits the LCC.

In the Good Old Summertime, eh?(670)
Posted 07.20.09
ROSS MURRAY
Complaining about the weather is Canada's national pastime, year-round. The winter's too cold, the spring is too wet, the autumn too leafy. But you never see more teeth-gnashing and fist-shaking than during a less than clement summer.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Would you like extra RAM with that?(730)
Posted 07.13.09
ROSS MURRAY
I know my way around computers. But that's like saying I know my way around Sherbrooke, Quebec, even though I've never lived or worked there, and I don't know any of the back roads or where to find decent Senegalese food and robot parts (don't ask).
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Our home geothermal heating-cooling project
Posted 07.12.09
FRANK BERNHEISEL
Kathy and I are having our house converted to geothermal heating and cooling. The way this works is that a heat transfer fluid, similar to the antifreeze/water fluid in a car, is pumped down the wells and either picks up heat or deposits heat -- depending on whether it is heating or cooling.
Frank Bernheisel writes from the Washington DC region.

Ten random things I've learned -- If you weren't cool in high school, you will never be cool(670)
Posted 07.06.09
ROSS MURRAY
1. I've learned to make a ponytail. Braids, however, are out of my league.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

The vision not yet fulfilled (500)
Despite the fact that this is a terrific country to live in and the land of opportunity, it is not yet the land of equalopportunity.�A child born to family in Mississippi has twice the chance of dying before reaching one year, as one born in Minnesota. If life is one of those unalienable Rights, for which our government was instituted to secure, why the gap between our statement of our vision and our performance?
Frank Bernheisel writes from the Washington DC region.

Hound Dogging It
Posted 07.01.09
JOHN MAHONEY
Got dandelions? Thistles? Hate poison? Too creaky and twisted to get down on your arthritic knees and grub the suckers out? Sisters and brothers, assemble right over here and pay attention:

My Canada includes ample storage(670)
Posted 06.28.09
ROSSMURRAY
Invariably at this time of year I think about what it means to be Canadian, just like around Labour Day, I think about pie... not sure why that is, actually.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Grads, your future's just a flush away (660)
Posted 06.19.09
ROSS MURRAY
Right now, as you sit there in your cap and gown, pretending to listen but actually playing the opening credits of "The A Team" over and over in your head, the probability of cleaning a toilet seems remote and revolting (coincidentally, also adjectives you'll someday use to describe your future spouse).
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

The sleepover rules (690)
Posted 06.12.09
ROSS MURRAY
Please find below the household guidelines regarding sleepovers. These guidelines establish a protocol for non-resident children and their parents in order to make the sleepover experience as enjoyable as possible and to avoid unnecessary tantrums, crying jags and medical intervention.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Passports? We don't need no stinkin' passports! (640)
Posted 06.06.09
ROSS MURRAY
On June 1, U.S. Customs required all Canadians entering the United States to require a passport or special driver's license. Now don't you just wish Canada had something up its sleeve too...?
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Mister President, bring on the Carbon Tax (415)
We need to have a new energy policy in the United States. The cap and trade approach plus subsidies for industry of the Waxman-Markey bill is not the solution. W-M is too complicated, too expensive, and hobbled by picking favorites. Also, it includes a big give-away to coal.
Frank Bernheisel writes from the Washington DC region.

Who knows how the flu flows? (640)
Posted 05.20.09
ROSS MURRAY
Get ready for the feline flu. It makes sense. You can't get much closer animal-human contact than waking up with a cat on your face. Plus, they're always coughing up something. And, let's be honest, they secretly hate us.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

When you're almost eight, your train of thought is an express (720)
Posted 05.20.09
ROSS MURRAY
In May 2007, I transcribed a conversation I had with Abby, who was just about to turn six. Two years later, the conversation continues. The scene: The kitchen, Sunday noon. Abby is having lunch before heading off to a play date. I'm washing dishes. Everyone else is out.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Did Pelosi know? (339)
Everybody knew and stayed silent. Nobody did anything because nobody cared. The American people did not care; they were busy watching Jack Bauer on "24" save the US by torturing bad guys. It was OK, it was right there on TV.
Frank Bernheisel writes from the Washington DC region.

The mouldin' age of television (670)
Posted 05.12.09
ROSS MURRAY
Westerns were big back then. One of my favourites was "Horsebit," which centred around the town of Gulchwood Hollow, a stagecoach stop on the Amarillo-Ptomaine Line. The hero was Deputy Dex Hoolihan, a widower with three lively daughters who were always getting into trouble (usually with traveling salesmen).
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

SUFFER, THE LITTLE CHILDREN
Posted 05.09.09
JOHN MAHONEY
When the economy goes down the toilet, who suffers most? The little people.

Ironically, there is no synonym for "crosswords" (670)
Posted 05.05.09
ROSS MURRAY
They say that crossword puzzles are good for the brain. They maintain cerebral elasticity, improve memory, and sustain mental abilities that decline with age, such as... things I can't remember right now.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Hey, I know it goes vroom (670)
Posted 04.27.09
ROSS MURRAY
I love holes. When I worked at the local newspaper, fewer things gave me more pleasure than killing time at the edge of a trench cut deep into the pavement as town workers struggled to patch a problem. There's a certain fascination about what lies beneath, especially when, with one wrong swing of a shovel, some kind of utility line could be pierced and God knows what kind of gushage might occur.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Junk the Junkers (190)
I think that the United States needs some new thinking about the auto industry and the economy. Despite all the talk, I hear no new ideas.Germany for example, has a program to take older cars, junkers, off the road.
Frank Bernheisel writes from the Washington DC region.

Cutting a rose or making bad smells (615)
Posted 04.19.09
ROSS MURRAY
When you're traveling with kids and a dog for an extended period, as we were recently, and it's too cold to roll down the windows, you can expect the air to get a little, well, ripe. Pungent. In a word, farty.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Serious injuries at April Fool's Day festivities (635)
Posted 04.06.09
ROSS MURRAY
MONTREAL (Rooters) | Hundreds were injured and scores more were considerably put out recently during one of the most violent and discombobulating April Fool's Days in recent memory. While no deaths were reported, there were countless incidents of people in stitches, and even more cases of split sides.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Science Fair: Home Edition
Posted 03.31.09
ROSS MURRAY
Hypothesis: Lying will set your pants on fire. This is due to the chemical effects of stress, friction, volatile untruth, and vicious taunting.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

The rots of spring (334)
Posted 03.24.09
ROSS MURRAY
Spring. Say it with me: it's spring, yes it is.
The sun's beating down, giving winter the biz.
On lawns are the remnants of past snowstorms' snow forts,
Which people pass by wearing premature sport shorts.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Something is wrong with the economy. Seriously.
Posted 03.16.09
ROSS MURRAY
I went shopping Sunday. Part of me expected a ghost town -- empty storefronts, tumbleweeds, salespeople skeletons slumped over Subarus, the walking dead at Wal-Mart. After all, we're living in austere times. We should be shopping only for necessities, like food, clothing, Sleeman's Silver Creek.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

ON BLOWING MY BRAINS OUT, DAILY
Posted 03.12.09
JOHN MAHONEY
Earlier this year I tried to reconnect with my inner flute. It felt so good I began to do it every day.

Three short snappers
Posted 03.09.09
ROSS MURRAY
I failed in business and I know why: it's because I don't follow sports. If I followed sports, I'd know the jargon, the lingo, the secret handshakes of sport-speak, the sole purpose of which is to give the impression you know what you're talking about.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Stock Losers 2009
Posted 02.27.09
ROSS MURRAY
You may recall that during the Dirty Thirties, when the population was out of work, and prospects looked bleak, and global conflict appeared imminent, people turned to Hollywood musicals for relief: Anything Goes, The Gay Divorcé, Gold Diggers of 1935...
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

The Academy Awards, brought to you by Milk-Bones
Posted 02.20.09
ROSS MURRAY
Two years ago, my daughter Abby took over this column in order to predict the major Oscar winners. It was a bit of a washout, not least because her pick for Best Picture was Barbie in the Twelve Dancing Princesses.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

There ought to be a (new) law (250)
I suggest that we pass a law that says that no executive of any publicly traded company can earn more than three times the salary of the President of the United States. Can anyone make the case that their job is harder?
Frank Bernheisel writes from the Washington DC region.

Musical questions answered: love edition (640)
Posted 02.15.09
ROSS MURRAY
Over the years, various legislations have been introduced to discourage fools from falling in love. Britain's Moron Matrimony Act of 1873, for example, imposed a five-year waiting period on fools seeking marriage licenses, the idea being that in the interim the fools would become distracted by other matters, such as mumbling to themselves, walking around in oversized shoes, and entering politics.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

The joys of Canadian winter sliding or, Remembering my Frozennutterizer (714)
Posted 02.10.09
ROSS MURRAY
I'm old enough to remember the transition from the traditional wooden toboggan to the ultimate sliding innovation: the Krazy Karpet. Whoever invented the Krazy Karpet was a mad genius.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

GET IT DONE (445)
The Republicans, based upon the statements of the members of the House, are singing the same old song -- tax cuts and especially to the rich. And when they didn't get their way, the decided not to play.
Frank Bernheisel writes from the Washington DC region.

LOOK AT THE HEAD ON THAT ONE!
Posted 02.02.09
ROSS MURRAY
"I spent the weekend fathoming the underlying constructs of Kierkegaard's theories on the subjectivity of faith and truth and inadvertently discovered who put the bomp in the bomp-shu-bomp-shu-bomp."
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca Running with empties, or 100 bottles of beer in the van
Posted 01.27.09
ROSS MURRAY
Now, here's a parental rite of passage I never thought I'd experience: carting my teenage daughter's empties back to the grocery store. And not just a case or two but a full shopping cart. "They're not even mine," she said as we loaded up the van outside her apartment. "My friends brought them over."
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at Ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Picking It Up (248)
Martin Luther King day, a national holiday celebrated in all fifty states is becoming recognized as a day for community service. In that spirit, Kathy and I started on our morning walk with two plastic grocery bags each, in which to store litter picked up along the bike path.
Frank Bernheisel writes from the Washington DC region.

Zionazis (500 words)
PUTNEY, VT | At this writing, on Martin Luther King Day, I am elated that a black American is about to be inaugurated as my President. Obama's approval ratings have skyrocketed due to the appalling mess left behind by the Bush administration. That said, it is a testament to Americans that they can look past color and vote for the man. Martin Luther King would have been pleased that we indeed voted for "the content of his character" rather than "the color of his skin."
Jim Austin locks and loads in Putney, Vermont.

Puck in the head? That explains a lot.
Posted 01.16.09
ROSS MURRAY
The thing is, when you're looking through the lens of a camera, especially a zoom lens, distance is distorted. By the time my brain registered "Hey, what's that object heading towards my camera," it was already inches away. Sadly, I didn't press the shutter at that moment, which would have made a pretty cool picture.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Family game night: the rules
Posted 01.09.09
ROSS MURRAY
The object is to play a board game together as a family without losing one's temper or sanity. There are two ways to set up the game. The first is to remove all the pieces from the box and begin play immediately based on an approximate knowledge of the rules. The second way is to delay play while a player insists on reading the rules for everyone to hear.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Johnny, I'll see you when I see you (475)
Johnny and I go way back. We started this journey together in the Great Depression, in the autumn of 1935. Our mothers used to walk us in our prams, most likely to keep us quiet, and to keep their sanity.
John Mahoney edits the LCC from Cobden, Ontario.

A contagion on the land (800 words)
PUTNEY, VT | Eight years of the Bush administration has promulgated a contagion on our land that won't soon be excised. Thanks to the voters the Republican right wing has been, by virtue of self-interest and manifest corruption, forced to crawl back under the stinking rock from whence it came. It will no doubt fester in the darkness, gathering simpleton adherents until their numbers once again tip the scales in favor of evil. Other than that, they have done pretty well.
Jim Austin writes in Putney, Vermont.

Eat like Obama in 2009(780)
I'm happy to see a decline in a trend that I never quite understood. Nouveau Beaujolais is on the way out and Quebecers have finally realized that it tastes just like it sounds.
Greg Duncan is the LCC's Gallivanting Gourmand.

Santa's bad night before Christmas
Posted 12.24.08
ROSS MURRAY
The snow that had fallen from noon until now
Was piled on my Oldsmobile, thanks to the plow.
When, what to my wondering eyes did appear,
But Santa Claus casually swilling a beer.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Christmas is coming: remain calm
Posted 12.19.08
ROSS MURRAY
As you read this, Christmas is a week away. In other words: "AAAAAGH!!!"
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

More than 100,000 see video *capture* of Baby Memphe on YouTube (430)
More than 100,000 fans have logged on to YouTube and LogCabinTV.com to watch Babe Lake Monster Captured, a short video that purportedly documents the netting and examination of a baby Memphre.
John Mahoney edits the Log Cabin Chronicles.

What's the logic here? (226)
Let me see if I have this rig -- The Senate Republicans want guys on the assembly line making less than $60,000 per year to agree to wage cuts before the government will loan the companies they work for some $14 billion.
Frank Bernheisel writes from the Washington DC region.

Beeramax Pictures presents...
Posted 12.12.08
ROSS MURRAY
I read last week that certain Cineplex Theatres will start selling beer and wine during screenings. Traditionally, the home-video industry has tried to emulate the thrills of the theatre experience -- wide-screen TVs, stereo sound, high-test lubricant on popcorn. Now it seems theatres are trying to copy the swills of the home-viewing experience. Admit it: who doesn't enjoy a glass of wine or a beer with their DVD (or, in the case of a Steven Segal feature, a six pack or two)?
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Look to the skies, for heaven's sake!(650)
Posted 12.07.08
ROSS MURRAY
You know what's more exciting than geometry? Space geometry! It really is, especially if you say it out loud in a deep, sonorous voice: "SPACE GEOMETRY!" Go ahead, try it. I'll wait...fun, eh?
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Does the English Community in Quebec exist: an inquiry
The English Community Search Party first met on October 16 to facilitate an action plan that would foment a thorough understanding of the Eastern Townships English community -- who were they, what were they and, most important, where were they? And if the English community did in fact exist, would they be able to explain to us what "foment" means?
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Sleepless In Montreal(500)
My internal clock is way off kilter and I wake suddenly each night at precisely 3:18 AM. Not 3:19 or 3:17, but at 3:18 exactly and repeatedly three nights (or mornings) in a row. This should be a movie, I think blurrily.
Greg Duncan is the LCC's Gallivanting Gourmand.

Oh my darling, oh my darling...(640)
Posted 11.21.08
ROSS MURRAY
STANSTEAD, QC | I do believe in the Citrus Fairy. I do! I do! Wait. Let me start that again, from the beginning: I pack my youngest daughter's lunch every morning. At the end of the school day, I check the lunchbox to see what's been eaten, what's salvageable, and what's unrecognizable. About two weeks ago, a clementine appeared in Abby's lunchbox. The only thing is, I didn't put it there.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Whither Detroit: To bail or not to bail, that is the question (500)
Everyone seems to be down on the American car industry. The industry is to blame for making cars that no one wants to buy, etc. etc. Until last spring, everyone seemed to want large pickups and SUVs (categorized as Light Trucks). Yes, I know about the Prius, which sold about 45,000 units in the first quarter of 2008. However, light trucks sold 7.8 million units during that time. The first quarter also saw sales of five million domestic and 2.4 million imported automobiles.
Frank Bernheisel writes from the Washington DC region.

In Quebec, I do declare!(640)
Posted 11.09.08
ROSS MURRAY
STANSTEAD, QC | In keeping with the Quebec government's new policy requiring immigrants to sign a mandatory declaration stating they will commit to learning French and respecting the province's common values, we, the people of Quebec, hereby request that political candidates sign the following mandatory declaration...
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

From abomination to Obama-nation (770 words)
PUTNEY, VT | Arrest Bush, Cheney, Bolton, Gonzalez, and Ryan Seacrest. Sail them all down to Guantanamo and waterboard the bejabers out of all of them until they admit that waterboarding is torture. Seacrest probably doesn't deserve this but anyone who describes himself as a "celebrity wrangler" should be tortured in some fashion. Maybe make him read a book by Thomas Hardy.
Jim Austin locks and loads in Putney, Vermont.

What's in a name? Four years of fun!(690)
Posted 11.09.08
ROSS MURRAY
STANSTEAD, QC | I am misty-eyed with pride and admiration for our American neighbours. Many thought we'd never see this day, the day when the United States would show true resolve for change, the day when they would resurrect the frontier spirit. The day when they would elect a president with a funny sounding name.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Election 2008 (370)
Kathy and I arrived at our polling place. There were already about 30 people in line ahead of us. As we waited for the polls to open at 6 a.m., about 100 more people arrived. The crowd was very unusual at our polling place -- usually we arrive about 6 and there are maybe five people waiting.
Frank Bernheisel writes from the Washington DC region.

For Halloween: A pair of putrid parables(710)
Posted 10.31.08
ROSS MURRAY
STANSTEAD, QC | A mild tremor rumbled beneath the Funky Dreadlock Centre for Childhood Exploration. It wasn't strong enough to disturb the children's self-discovery on the possibilities of what 3 plus 4 might add up to. But it was strong enough to awaken something. Something evil.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

The truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Sometimes.(680)
Posted 10.24.08
ROSS MURRAY
STANSTEAD, QC | I don't think Abby's ever met a waitress she hasn't liked. But then, they bring her fries, so what's not to like?
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Gnawty puppy onboard
Posted 10.19.08
ROSS MURRAY
STANSTEAD, QC | My plan to infiltrate the Family has been as brilliant and precise as anticipated. My only concern is the Man. He arrived home to discover that the Family had taken me into their possession. Appears distant, standoffish, vaguely hostile.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca Can somebody say grace?(470)
STANSTEAD, QC | Let us pray: Thanks for the turkey, thanks for the mussels,
Thanks for the sprouts that came from Brussels,
Thanks for the peas, the corn, the spuds,
Thanks for the beer, both Coors and Buds.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

'That' old house(640)
STANSTEAD, QC | Then there was the matter of what colour to choose. We kept talking about taupe. The problem is no one really knows what taupe is. It's actually just a word people throw out to make it seem like they know something about colour.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Still putting the "work" in "homework"(690)
STANSTEAD, QC | Put the laptop away, it's time for homework. No, I doubt very much that your homework involves playing N-Game. Sighing doesn't help, you know. Neither does rolling your eyes.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

A pear a day keeps the apples away(480)
Apples are great of course, but so are our local pears. Friends who have a bumper crop in their established backyard recently gave me a large bag of Pyrus Communis. Of course I had to devise a way to put them to good use beyond the toothy and juicy succulence of eating them au natural.
Greg Duncan is the LCC's Gallivanting Gourmand.

Eat, drink, have hot dog(710)
STANSTEAD, QC | Take, for example, ads currently running in the US by a group called the Cancer Project. Over images of kids eating hot dogs and other processed meats, you hear a young boy say, "I was dumbfounded when the doctor told me I had late-stage colon cancer." The boy, of course, is an actor, and the shock ad is based on a study indicating that if you eat fifty grams of processed meat a day for several years, your chances of getting colorectal cancer increase by twenty-one percent. That's equal to a hot dog a day every day for something like nineteen years.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Canada vs. US: Let's put it to a vote(640)
STANSTEAD, QC | Election fever. Can you feel it? It's like most fevers: accompanied by nausea, disorientation, and an overwhelming sense of doom. As happens from time to time, Canada and the United States have election campaigns going on at the same time. So, grab your mug of hot tea and a couple of Advils and let's compare the two, shall we?
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Blame Homeland Security (690)
STANSTEAD, QC | When you think about it, it's a bit unusual to encounter more than one armed individual when you're going camping. Normally, we'd expect one: the border guard on our way to Brighton State Park in Island Pond, Vermont. You never know how that encounter's going to go. You could face the dour, rubber-glove-at-the-ready Customs officer or it could be the chatty officer whose easygoing ways lull you into letting it slip about smuggling all that citrus fruit.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

When wearing a suit is not OK(570)
All of the stops were pulled out at the event to entice green-haired, pierced lip, ripped-jean wearing advertising agency kids to consider community newspapers in their campaign planning and advertising placement. The booze and eats flowed and hip hop blared via a DJ.
Greg Duncan is the LCC's Gallivanting Gourmand.

In Canada: The Harper-Dion E-mails(700)
STANSTEAD, QC | Prime Minister Stephen Harper has purportedly been trying to meet with Liberal leader Stéphane Dion to discuss whether the latter will continue to support the minority government. To date, Dion has declined. Here, for the first time, is a transcript of their e-mailed correspondence:
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

My fair memories(700)
STANSTEAD, QC | I still remember my first Ayer's Cliff Fair. It was the height of the Great Depression, 1934, and I was a mere lad of nine...I ate my first deep-fried parsnip that day, saw my first bric-a-brac. Or maybe it was a gewgaw. It's all a blur. All I know is that I went home that night with a head full of memories and a shoe full of cow drool.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Bye-Bye Parents(665)
Dropped the first born off at her college dorm last weekend amidst a flurry of worried parents and their own offloading (or is that freeloading?) offspring. I observed more than one commonality as we navigated the throng on moving day. Dads with grey hair and Moms with teary cheeks was just one. Which of the aging sexes worried most was not entirely discernable. Fathers furrowed their brows and gave the evil eye to frosh football player types while Mothers eyed the same, but employed a different mannerism. More like the up and down eye scan all women of a certain age use when checking out the opposite sex.
Greg Duncan is the LCC's Gallivanting Gourmand.

And it wasn't that good(600)
STANSTEAD, QC | Many clichés about Canada are a bit of a stretch. Take the one about a Canadian being someone who can make love in a canoe. Don't think so. More like someone who can make lunch in a canoe.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Are you in the zone?(690)
STANSTEAD, QC | The comfort zone is a natural state -- like Idaho. Look around you. Look at the trees. Trees are trees. You don't see trees deciding to play the violin, right? They stay in their comfort zone. You know what happens to animals that step outside their comfort zone? They get eaten.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

The gravity of the situation(725)
STANSTEAD, QC | The air at 4000 metres apparently tastes like the ocean. Or at least it does when you're hurtling through it at 200 km/h and you've got your mouth open, even though the instructor advised you to keep it closed.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Wanna see something really scary?(700)
STANSTEAD, QC | Are you as excited as I am? A slasher flick shooting right here in the Eastern Townships of Quebec. And it's called Bikini Girls on Ice. With a title like that, who wouldn't be excited? I mean, who doesn't like ice?
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

So, how do we save on energy costs? (650)
Here is the problem: George Bush and Company took Iraq's oil off the world market just at the time that demand was rising. (Law: when demand rises and supply does not, prices do.) To make matters worse, they introduced a lot of uncertainty into the market. (Law: uncertainty in market equals risk and risk equals rising prices.) So, what is the solution for the US of A?
Frank Bernheisel writes from the Washington DC region.

Everybody's gotta have a laugh (630)
MONTREAL | Kris Kristofferson once said about the folksinger Ramblin' Jack Elliot that he wasn't called Ramblin' Jack because he traveled a lot; he was called Ramblin' Jack because of the way he talked. So to take a page out of Ramblin' Jack's book, I'd like to ramble some thoughts about comedy.
Ricky Blue is a Montreal-based humorist, singer, and writer.

Give Sir Paul, peace, and margarine a chance (760 words)
Where there will be gate crashing and line-ups will be in Quebec City today as Sir Paul McCartney plays a free concert on the Plains of Abraham to celebrate Quebec's 400th anniversary.
Greg Duncan is the LCC's Gallivanting Gourmand.

There was burnin', burnin', to satisfy my yearnin'...(740)
STANSTEAD, QC | Among our many modern quirks is our longing for vast backyards that we never actually set foot on. We build decks off our homes overlooking the grass, or we tear up a chunk of lawn and build small platforms to put our chairs on. We like to be with nature, just not touch it. One thing you can't do on your deck (or at very least it's ill-advised) is have a campfire. For a campfire, you need to venture onto the lawn. It's a case where our aversion to cooties is overwhelmed by our desire to burn stuff.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

New digs, old folks, and stitches(640)
STANSTEAD, QC | When my eldest daughter signed her apartment lease this past spring, the idea of her actually moving out was still an abstract concept. After all, she wasn't yet 17, and 16 years old just seemed too young to hold a lease. You shouldn't be allowed to sign a legal document if you have angst.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Dig that weed -- if you can(640)
STANSTEAD, QC | A common curse from 16th century Spain went as follows: "May your salads be nothing but goutweed and be served by a loose woman of Toledo with hairy arms and the breath of anchovies." Naturally, it sounds better in the original Spanish.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

You want cheap beer, buy in Quebec(700)
STANSTEAD, QC | Labatt is clearly still making a profit in Quebec, otherwise why would they bother? It's not like "cheap beer" is in the Quebec Charter of Rights and Freedoms (though the right to buy it in grocery stores is). Labatt must therefore be making a huge profit in Ontario.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Time for the gas bubble to burst (615)
MONTREAL | The Leno joke goes like this. Scientists have discovered the largest number in the Universe. And they did it without using a computer. They did it by using a gas pump and a Cadillac Escalade.
Ricky Blue is a Montreal-based humorist, singer, and writer.
Ricky Blue is a Montreal-based humorist, singer, and writer.

Copy that. Not.(670)
STANSTEAD, QC | I agree and accept that the Canadian government should willfully interfere with its citizens' consumer purchases in its unabashed efforts to pander to the American entertainment mega-industry. I am ready and willing to accept whatever invasion of privacy or fines come my way."
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

English Like Me (700)
MONTREAL | Even though the English language is a key to open the door into the international business community and the rest of North America, Law 101 doggedly insists that the English language is the enemy of Quebec, and by definition those who practice it -- Quebec's unilingual anglophones.
Ricky Blue is a Montreal-based humorist, singer, and writer.

Cyclist in training(690)
STANSTEAD, QC | The bicycle is life's first major leap of faith. Walking doesn't count because you're too young to think "Holy smokes! I'm going to fall on my adorable face!" But to believe that you can actually balance and move forward on two wheels, that's something. Even though you see others doing it, a tiny logical part of your five-year-old self says, "Come on, it's gotta be some kind of trick."
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

The Crisis Crisis (620)
MONTREAL | A neighbor of mine believes that global warming is caused by the absence of pirates. Since there are not many pirates left in the world and pirates are cool� the world is warming.
Ricky Blue is a Montreal-based humorist, singer, and writer.
Ricky Blue is a Montreal-based humorist, singer, and writer.

Your 2008 Summer Vacation(690)
STANSTEAD, QC | With the cost of gasoline almost as expensive as a baby on eBay, the smart vacationer should consider sticking close to home this summer. Thankfully, Quebec's Eastern Townships are chock-a-block full of festivals and fairs to make your summer truly summer-ific!
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

I'd put my foot down but I might squash a cat(690)
STANSTEAD, QC | As I enjoyed those bark-free, pawprint-less, non-poop-pickup days, I did my best to persuade my family that getting another dog at this time wouldn't be the best idea. My argument went something like this: "Please, God, no!"
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Can't beat 'em? Eat 'em. (575 words)
I just have to mention our dreaded dandelions (dents de lion, jagged leaves resembling a lions tooth), otherwise known as Pissenlits au Quebec. Translation? Piss-in-the-beds in English, or Piss-a-beds in Newfoundland, on account of their diuretic effect when eaten by French and English alike.
Greg Duncan is the LCC's Gallivanting Gourmand.

Spring ferns are to eat, eh?(680)
STANSTEAD, QC | "Health Canada warns that fiddleheads may contain toxins and are all-around nasty little vegetables that you'd be a fool to ingest. They've been known to cause gastroenteritis, bleeding of the gums, sterility in mice, and the bitter collapse of your most cherished dreams."
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Barbeque Choices(680)
STANSTEAD, QC | Once again, I find myself in the market for a new barbecue. And what a market. So many grills, so much shiny metal. If you're a barbecue lover, it's like being a kid in a candy store, except instead of candy there's charred animal parts.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Radiation 'threat' sets off US Border alarms (1400 words)
Orleans County freelance photographer Gordon Alexander recently found out what happens when someone who underwent a cardiac nuclear medicine scan crosses the border before the radioisotope has completely decayed.
By Robin Smith/Caledonian Record

The glories of rhubarb marinade (400 words)
As humans, we spend a lot of time filling up. Long gone are the days of foraging for wood and chasing wild antelope on the plains for daily sustenance and warmth. Homo Sapiens ancient giant leap from hunter-gatherer to agriculturist has proven that while we might walk upright, we have learned little. Oh, we gather and hunt for survival all right, but now we gather and hunt for money most days. We grow corn and soy and rice and beef -- all for money and fuel. Farmers do it and governments subsidize it. It's a sad state we're in with a real global food and fuel crisis looming, causing civil unrest in many food- producing countries.
Greg Duncan is the LCC's Gallivanting Gourmand.

Rugby explained(750)
STANSTEAD, QC | Rugby is an unfamiliar game to many North Americans. That's because it was invented in 732 A.D. by the Picts who were wiped out as result of major head trauma before they could chisel the rules into the side of a cliff.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Canada's dirty little secret? (660)
MONTREAL | The other day I was listening to an ad on a station beamed across the border from Vermont. It was the country music station from Malone, New York. The ad, for the Mohawk Casino, was completely bilingual. It started in French and finished in English. I realized that even though I live in Montreal, a supposed bilingual city, hearing this mix of the two tongues on the air was a shock.
Ricky Blue is a Montreal-based humorist, singer, and writer.

You don't know Doodly, eh?(700)
STANSTEAD, QC | YAAAAAH! Can you feel it? Can you smell it? That's the smell of victory! And burning rubber! I am so excited that my team is so close to ultimate triumph. This week's series win puts us that much closer. And now we've got the momentum. The Doodly Cup is within our grasp!
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Fishing with Shorty or, The Really Big One That Got Away (1160 words)
PUTNEY, VT | While you Vermonters were cursing the day you ever moved to, or originated in, Vermont I was traveling to Nicaragua in search of the mighty tarpon. My son Shorty, the fruit of the sainted union between myself and my tempestuous flower Ruth, had been spending the past three months in Ocatal, Nicaragua. The lad had decided that Spanish fluency was the key to landing an ambassadorship in some espanolish country. He found a total immersion outfit on the net and off he went.
Jim Austin locks and loads in Putney, Vermont.

Protect our Caninternet(710)
Congratulations on blocking the sale of one of Canada's aerospace companies to a US firm. No really, I mean it. I know we've had our differences in the past (admittedly, I went too far with my musical, Stephen Harper Hates Everyone, Even His Mother, and Has Stubby Fingers to Boot). But putting Canada's sovereignty ahead of global market pressures was fantastic, positively protectionist. Why, it was almost liberal of you!
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Follow the (lobbying) money (300)
It's probably just a coincidence that since George Bush became President, lobbying expenditures have almost doubled from $1.5 billion to $2.8 billion last year.
Frank Bernheisel writes from the Washington DC region.

The Bridge of Sighs(730)
As a barometer of inner peace and contentment, it probably doesn't bode well that I've become a sigher. Sighing has become my preferred reaction to the world as it unfolds around me. Or at me.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

The silence of my lamb(700)
One of the perks of having athletic children is that other parents automatically assume that I'm at least partly responsible. If the subject comes up, I'll usually say something like, "Yup, taught them everything they know." In my head, I'm saying it sarcastically. Just because it sounds to the listener like I'm serious, well, that's their problem, not mine.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Blowjob Bill, Mission-accomplished George, and their miserable, embarrassing, continuing failures (350)
Oh, that's so harsh, Johnny boy. Whatever are you saying?
John Mahoney edits the LCC.

Our Gallivanting Gourmand returns from Down There, tanned and plump as a beer butt chicken (975 words)
Heck, in Florida they are almost giving away fast food, I kid you not. In fact, if you are a resident, the US postal service delivers an appetizing array of culinary offers each morning, thereby eliminating the need to cook real food.
Greg Duncan is the LCC's Gallivanting Gourmand.

April Fool's Day or Poisson d'Avril � your choice but it's happening today, eh?(540)
I'm very much a traditionalist when it comes to holidays. I like turkey at Christmas, alcohol poisoning on St. Patrick's Day, and vague political tension on Canada Day. That being said, I completely support the Bush administration's decision to hold April Fool's Day on March 28 this year in an effort to save the floundering economy and foundering flounders. Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

More sex please. We're Quebeckers, non?(660)
I read this week about your plan to boost Quebec's population by encouraging Quebecers to have more babies, getting ex-Quebecers to return to the province, and immigrants... well, immigrants not so much. With all due respect, I wonder if you've fully thought this plan through. Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Would you like a growth fund? Yeth, I would.(660)
If you're like me (and if so, there's hope by calling 1-800-YU-LOSER), you probably just loaded up on RRSPs to gain some relief on your income tax. And it's also quite possible your RRSPs were in the form of mutual funds, also known as Investing for Dummies. Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Two rants, no waiting (1030 words)
PUTNEY, VT | This country has been governed by idiots for the past seven plus years. If they are the best of our country's citizenry I can almost agree with Kansas that evolution is a myth. When Bush stands in front of a press conference arms slightly forward with jutting jaw and brow, doesn't he look like he's about to drop to his knuckles and charge the press like a silverback gorilla?
Jim Austin locks and loads in Putney, Vermont.

Aping PM Harper, Canada's MPs will sue you, dude(690)
Prime Minister Stephen Harper's threatened lawsuit against top Liberals appears to have inspired other parliamentary lawsuits, with MPs suing MPs, ordinary citizens, celebrities, and, in one instance, a Pomeranian named Theo.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

The LCC enters 13th year on_line (380)
And what a strange dozen years it has been.
John Mahoney edits this cyber rag.

The in-and-out year(580)
March comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb. Science is at a loss to explain this phenomenon, given that the two animals are from entirely different species (lion being of the species Panthera leo and lamb being of the species Ovis cuddlius). The transformation from vicious predator to infant ruminant in the space of thirty-one days defies evolutionary logic, not to mention chronology. Promoters of intelligent design point to this swift mammalian shift as evidence of God and/or Steven Spielberg.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Wither Newspaperdom? (560 words)
Either way, our English daily The Gazette seems to take a middle road on most language issues. This most likely caters to the apparent similar position of most Anglophones in the flock. If something is simmering here, we just leave it at the back of the stove and hope it doesn't boil over.
Greg Duncan is the LCC's Gallivanting Gourmand.

And the Oscar for worst jokes goes to...(750)
With the US writers' strike over, this weekend's Academy Awards broadcast will go ahead. Another domestic crisis averted. Unfortunately, this mean's I'm out of a gig. I'd volunteered to scab for the event as head writer and (the deal-clincher) as host. Now the world will never know the full splendour of my show. I can only give you a brief glimpse of what might have been...
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Did someone say, "I love you"?(790)
Last weekend, I saw a clothing store display that read, "Say 'I Love You' A Thousand Ways..." Let's see: socks, underwear, shirts, sweaters... There's no way that can make it to a thousand, unless you start breaking it down by fabric and colour. Unless, of course, they weren't speaking in commercial terms but generally a thousand ways to say "I love you." Still a stretch, but I think I can come up with fifty:
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Go, girl! (No, seriously, it's your turn.)(760)
For instance, when you sit on the floor with your six-year-old to play a board game called Dream Star, as I did last Sunday, there's no way to avoid, at least temporarily, taking the girly role. Because Dream Star is a girly, girly game.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

A letter from His Worshipfulness, the Mayor(760)
First of all, I would like to wish everyone a Happy 2008. I realize my wishes come a month late but we had to delay printing this Newsletter because it has taken since the Christmas party to untangle the thong from the photocopier. Incidentally, for those of you who've asked, our Receptionist Mrs. Churnhelm should be out of traction soon.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Sugar coating Quebec's latest bilk job (600 words)
It is a privilege living here in Quebec, what with the advantage of paying the highest taxes on the continent, our wonderfully safe road infrastructure, our tolerant language freedoms and warm weather. To add to our Joie de Vivre we were delivered a gift yesterday to signify our special status as a nation within a nation. Recently, the price of milk in Quebec rose 4.6 cents a liter and allows us to pay forty percent more than what others pay in Canada.
Greg Duncan is the LCC's Gallivanting Gourmand.

Energy use � the moral equivalent of war? (500)
Per person in the US of A, we each use the equivalent of 64 barrels of oil each year or 114,000 kilowatt hours (KWHr) of electricity. Swedes and Germans use a lot less energy per person -- 44 and 32 barrels, respectively.
Frank Bernheisel writes from the Washington DC region.

Tragedy tomorrow, squirmedy tonight(700)
This column is satellite 6! Yeah, that's right, "satellite 6." It means outstanding, out of this world, way out, even wayer out than satellite 5. Use this expression often. Impress your friends. Or possibly confuse them. Either way, they'll be overwhelmed by how unbearably hip you are. Or possibly just how unbearable.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

You gotta love it (300)
Well, we have the politicians and the Federal Reserve worrying about a recession and lots of people are defaulting on their loans, and Bear Stearns and Bank of America are going to the Arab states for money to prop up their finances and some of the loan companies are going bankrupt.
Frank Bernheisel writes from the Washington DC region.

McJungle Book: The Legend of McBoy(700)
No one knows for sure where the McBoy came from, this feral child under the golden arches. Some say he was abandoned by a couple who met at McDonald's, dated there and, uncomfortably for them and those in line, conceived a child at a Drive-Thru while waiting for their Filet-O-Fish. Some say he was even born there. The delivery, not surprisingly, was fast.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

About this war (300)
We have at least twelve candidates trying to be the next President and not one, except Ron Paul, is saying anything definite about the war. It must be the good news. However, the situation reminds me of Nixon campaigning to be president in 1968; he had a plan to end the war in Vietnam. The Vietnam war ran on until 1975.
Frank Bernheisel writes from the Washington DC region.

Reliving Quebec's "Ice" Storm of 1998 (700)
A part of me feels we missed out on a great adventure, something we could tell our grandkids and radio phone-in shows. But then I remember that people suffered terribly, died even. I then feel blessed. And a bit of a jerk.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

An incovenient winter (600)
MONTREAL | There is a new McDonald's ad campaign using the slogan: "Cold is the new hot." They are trying to sell us a new cold drink. In the ad they pretend they are tired of people saying everything's "hot." So they want to replace that superlative with "cold." Thus: "Cold is the new hot."
Ricky Blue is a Montreal-based humorist, singer, and writer.

If you want them to like The Beatles, let it be (700)
You can't, you see, just force your music on your kids, no matter how clearly superior it is to their tripe. I was, reminded this not long ago when the family went bowling and my son put two dollars worth of quarters into the jukebox and selected all Nickelback songs. Yes, I know they're Canadian, hooray, but blech. I mean, clear your throat, for God's sake.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Food Rant to start the year off right (600 words)
We have become accustomed to buying cheap imported foods and produce all through the year and we cringe when the price of bananas goes over 29 cents per pound. We want a loaf of bread for a dollar and lettuce for 79 cents. In fact, we want everything for under a dollar.
Greg Duncan is the LCC's Gallivanting Gourmand.

The year from the rear (690)
Well, hey there, thanks for sticking with me through 2007. Gosh, where did those 365 days go? No, seriously, where did they go? What happens to time once it's in the past? Does it continue to exist? But, heck, such questions are too profound for the end of December. Instead, it's a time of reflection, a chance to review the year that was.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Shooting blanks from the Christmas canon (695)
Everybody loves the Christmas classics: "Hark the Herald," "White Christmas," "Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer." But surely there are other songs that radio stations can play seven times a day.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

A 21st century Christmas (595)
MONTREAL | I am going to give my son an educational toy to help teach him about life -- no matter how you put it together, it will be wrong. I also bought him a book. I am sure he will spend the next two days looking for where the batteries go. He thinks that at Christmas we celebrate the birth of Duracell.
Ricky Blue is a Montreal-based humorist, singer, and writer.

Got game? "Dribbling" is not the same as "drooling" (695)
There's a reason why I've never signed my kids up for hockey. Besides receiving regular thumpings by hockey players as a child, that is. The reason is the 8 a.m. game. But last weekend I found myself shotgunning coffee before racing across the border to Newport, Vermont, for an 8 o'clock basketball game. Fortunately, this was a game involving 6- and 7-year-olds, so at least the day started with a laugh.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Red licorice, Black Babies, and Zout (660 words)
I haven't lost a tooth to licorice yet, unlike the editor of this site. I've suffered the root canal and been subject to annual warnings that an $1800 crown is absolutely necessary but I'm into at least my tenth year without this feature. Call me lucky as I've devoured more licorice than a defiant Dutch schoolboy.
Greg Duncan is the LCC's Gallivanting Gourmand.

I'm Ross Murray and I approve this immigration column (730)
An open letter to would-be illegal U.S. immigrants (and smugglers thereof)
First of all, thank you for choosing Stanstead, Quebec, for all your border-hopping needs. Specifically, thank you (most of you, anyway) for choosing the woods around Stanstead to smuggle yourselves and/or your paying customers into the United States. This is as opposed to simply walking across one of the unguarded streets that connect Stanstead with Vermont.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

All you need to know about digital photography, and then some (700)
After months of research and some unseemly groveling, my employers recently gave me the go-ahead to purchase a new digital camera. It's a great asset for our department. The fact that I sometimes refer to it as "my camera" or occasionally as "my precious..." is purely accidental and without any significance whatsoever.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Turning Canadian guilt into good times (575)
MONTREAL | I get the feeling, perhaps you do too, that something big is happening. It's our dollar. It's getting big! And we are getting bigger along with it.
Ricky Blue is a Montreal-based humorist, singer, and writer.

Malcolm Stone: What a character (750)
STANSTEAD EAST, QC | It was Malcolm who introduced me to Calvin Trillin, Roy Blount Jr., Bob Dorough, "Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me" and sour tomatoes. He taught me that "pipik" is Yiddish for "belly button" and that there are cheap laughs to be had in teaching kids to say, "Do you want to see my pipik?" He showed me that you could get by in life without functioning plumbing. Mostly, though, Malcolm showed me that small-town journalism could soar if you cared about clarity, that obsessing over hyphens paid off, that irreverence could be a powerful weapon, and that if you use the word "challenge" (as in, "the mayor said there were many challenges ahead for council") you deserve to be mercilessly mocked. Lewd gestures might be involved.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Torture American Style (955 words)
PUTNEY, VT | Attaching electrodes to the genitalia or driving burning bamboo splints under the fingernails is all well and good but, in these days of runaway litigation by victims and nosey prying by the international press, we need a method that doesn't leave marks.
Jim Austin writes in Putney, Vermont.

O Canada! Canadians need to be, you know, more American, eh? (740)
Can you feel it? Can you feel the pride? Can you sense the pan-Canadian swagger as we enjoy our new status as an economic powerhouse? Can't you just feel all those years of doubt and insecurity melting away?
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Press #1 in Quebec for intolerance and unreasonable accommodation (800 words)
For those that don't know, and trust me as an Anglo Quebecer I do, it's been rough on the English and Ethnics lately and winter has not yet begun. The hunting season is in full swing with Quebec Anglophone and Allophones being the prey of choice. We continue to be targeted by francophone language zealots at the highest levels.
Greg Duncan is the LCC's Gallivanting Gourmand.

Don't mess with debaters (750)
Some people have the Gift of the Gab, I have the Unwanted Fruitcake of Awkward Conversation. You have a Silver Tongue. I have Tinfoil Tonsils.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Death by 'Booga booga' -- Quebec's tribal drums are beating (575)
MONTREAL | Tribal drums are beating all over Quebec. Can you hear them? The natives are restless. They are covered with blue and white war paint. They dance around the raging fires of nationalism. And on the fire is a large pot. Inside the pot are two victims, an Allophone and an Anglophone.
Ricky Blue is a Montreal-based humorist, singer, and writer.

An Abundance of Bores (1100 words)
PUTNEY, VT | In my last thrilling appearance in the LCC, I submitted the list of Republican Candidates for President and rated their chances of obtaining the nomination based on several factors. I used their shiftiness, weaselry, money-grubbing, religious fanaticism, cover-up and suppression talents, and all around scum-sucking douchebaggery. In short, all the things that make Republicans Republican. This month we will have a look at the Democratic nominees. This is not an easy task, neither is analyzing swollen raisins in a bowl of tepid pablum. However, I shall try.
Jim Austin writes in Putney, Vermont.

(680)
Scuttling in the dark playing laser tag this past weekend, two things occurred to me: One, that shooting at people surely violates my stand on guns and violence; and two, when the zombie uprising occurs, I won't be of much help.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

New York, Oh, New York (950 words)
Brochures rarely mention that friendly six-foot transvestites sporting pink-ribboned pigtails will assist you with directions from Penn station to any restaurant you have in mind. Every itinerant asking for money in Times Square claims to be a veteran on the down and out, having been abandoned by the state. I suspect this may be true for most.
Greg Duncan is the LCC's Gallivanting Gourmand.

Halloween Tale-O-Rama (730)
Come, my unwashed little ones, gather your dank selves round me and I shall share a haunting tale of spectral beings and boogety-boogeties. I said come round, my little germ farms. Come here, I said! Don't make me hobble over there!
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Double dipping in and by the city (650)
MONTREAL | Perhaps you have noticed that parking here is becoming more difficult all the time. It seems that our city government seems to want to make it more and more expensive and annoying to shop and entertain downtown. For instance, many meters only give you two hours for six dollars. But you cannot see a movie in two hours.
Ricky Blue is a Montreal-based humorist, singer, and writer.

Are you there, Al? It's me, Ross. (720)
First of all, congratulations on your Nobel Peace Prize. I hope this prestigious honour won't distract you from your crusade against global warming. In fact, I have a great title for your next book/movie: How about Is It Hot in Here or Is It Just Me?
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Premier Duceppe and the partition of Quebec (635)
MONTREAL | This has always been the Achilles heel of Quebec separatists. They see themselves as a pure, homogenous, and unilingual nation inhabiting a single territory called Quebec. So non-francophones within this territory have to be regulated, assimilated, or declared not to exist.
Ricky Blue is a Montreal-based humorist, singer, and writer.

Driving lesson #1: Get a grip (670)
We've pretty much all agreed that I won't teach the kids how to drive. There would be too much yelling, too great a risk of stroke. It would end in tears, probably mine.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

How I ate Skippy or, simmered and well poached our Gallivanting Gourmand dines a la Down Under (825 words)
We enjoyed an hour or so of sipping Aussie Pinot Noir in an Italian landscape outdoors and then were ushered to Au Coin du Feu to sample the wines and foods of Australia. Rosemount Estate wines in particular, with parings and matching over five courses.
Greg Duncan is the LCC's Gallivanting Gourmand.

School advice for my youngest daughter (540)
Your teacher doesn't actually live at school. There may come a point when you will be out somewhere, maybe a mall, and you'll see your teacher out among the general population like a Real Person. This will come to you as a bit of a shock. But it's true.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Will they be happy watching wattles? (720)
I actually had no clue what I planned to do with my life, short of go to university for the next three to four years, possibly longer depending on the meal plan. Nor was university part of a long-term goal. I simply wanted to study literature for literature's sake. And meet girls.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

The uncomfortable sanctification of Ernie (660)
MONTREAL | There was a moment at the beginning of the reception following Ernie Butler's funeral that broke the ice. A moment of silence for Ernie was suddenly interrupted by a cell phone ring."
Ricky Blue is a Montreal-based humorist, singer, and writer.

A tale to sink your teeth into (680)
Thank you for calling FairyDent, the automated tooth-retrieval service, linking harried parents and airy fairies since 2003.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

The anticipation of our Gallivanting Gourmand (740 words)
It is spider season up here in Montreal and their intricate webs glisten in the heavy dew and light of the morning. Thousands of yellow jacket wasps are enjoying fall apples en masse in yards around the neighborhood and I've been watching seagulls from the lake nearby devouring crab apples with gusto.
Greg Duncan is the LCC's Gallivanting Gourmand.

What we have here is a failure to communi-cat (680)
Here's what I actually said when a four-month-old kitten showed up on our doorstep late one evening last week, followed by what my family apparently heard me say:
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

(200 words)
Why do we live in La Belle Province? (First in a series)
Why are Quebec taxes the highest in North America while having the worst roads on the continent?...remember, you'll never know where you'll find the good doctor. Perhaps in line behind you at WalMart. Dining at the neighboring table. Returning a corked bottle of wine to the local supermarket. Stumbling out of the dentist's chair. But wherever the good doctor perambulates, rest assured that all five senses will be focused on the immediate experience and ready to assimilate any tainted data for another random act of observation...

Don't panic over pickles (690)
Every jar of pickles is a leap of faith. The number of pickle-related deaths is in fact quite low. Or at least I assume it is; Statistics Canada doesn't offer any figures (although I did find a YouTube video entitled "Girl is scared to death of pickles"
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Confederacy of Losers (700 words)
What the Republican Party has trotted out is an astonishing cavalcade of miscreants as possible nominees for the 2008 Presidential Race. The most positive thing you can say is that any one of them would make a better President than George W.Of course that's like saying Leprosy is better than pancreatic cancer.
Jim Austin writes in Putney, Vermont.

A 'Sea of Blue' arrives in our neighborhood (790 words)
A sea of blue plastic now visually blights pretty streets in established neighborhoods at every turn. Welcome the large blue recycling bin on wheels to Quebec communities.
Greg Duncan is the LCC's Gallivanting Gourmand.

The Let's-Ban-Everything Party (630)
MONTREAL | I remember that in the past tolerance was a positive thing. I'm not referring to the current, politically correct group-think regulations that are misleadingly called "tolerance."
Ricky Blue is a Montreal-based humorist, singer, and writer.

Big clams, steep hills, lots of java (650 words)
I've just been to Seattle and back. When you visit this West Coast village you notice two things. You go up and down in Seattle and there is no escaping endless hills and climbs.
Greg Duncan is the LCC's Gallivanting Gourmand.

Hats off to ball cap wearers. No, seriously. (690)
I know (especially you boys) you think your ball cap is cool and the source of all your power, kind of like that cheesy mustache you're attempting to grow. But you're wrong.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Handprints on the walls of time (700)
Handprints. There were handprints everywhere - marks left by grubby fingers on walls, cupboards, and doorframes. Saturday morning, I found myself wandering the house with a sponge, scrubbing away the grime.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Coco Jarry: First in an occasional series on various eateries here and there (320)
I turn leery when I ask for a simple garden salad with my steak instead of mixed vegetables and potato and the lovely young waitress with a lovely young smile says: "That will be extra."
John Mahoney edits the LCC.

An unelectable American vice president (625)
MONTREAL | Bill Clinton is the best campaigner of his generation. He has charisma. He is very well liked. And the vice presidential position is usually chosen based upon the candidate's usefulness in winning the election.
Ricky Blue is a Montreal-based humorist, singer, and writer.

Did I mention my old-man legs? (710)
The first time I broke a tooth was when I was about seventeen. Some friends and I had managed to get some beer and had taken it to the woods.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Egg on our collective face, eh? (640)
PODGORICA, MONTENEGRO | With the success of last weekend's Live Earth, several other global concerts-for-a-cause are in the works. The first to emerge is Live Egg, scheduled to take place in Europe and North America October 12, World Egg Day.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Rap Radio, Talk Radio (650)
MONTREAL | Maybe there is a link between rap music and talk radio. Maybe talk radio is simply rap music for old people. Like rap music, talk radio is not pretty.
Ricky Blue is a Montreal-based humorist, singer, and writer. Recycling do's, don'ts. and dunnos (685)
I read last week that my town will soon provide me with a bigger, better, and -- who knows -- maybe even bluer recycling bin, the kind on wheels you roll out to the curb.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca The most wonderful Canadian wonder of them all (645)
MONTREAL | But the only "Wonder" given to our region was to Old Quebec City, a revealing choice, a typical expression of the way English Canada sees Quebec. It celebrates the Quebec that is safely tucked away in the past, wearing costumes of the Filles du Roi and playing spoons.
Ricky Blue is a Montreal-based humorist, singer, and writer.

Paradise Lost (860 words)
I walk a lot now and take daily jaunts around the neighborhood just to smell good, greasy smoke I tell you. I can't help but pause in front of yards when I catch the unmistakable scent of hamburgers sizzling on the grill and I get downright excited when I detect burning fat on a big juicy Montreal rib steak.
Greg Duncan is the LCC's Gallivanting Gourmand.

The Hollywood History of Canada (670)
It is 1839. Rebel forces in Upper and Lower Canada have been crushed under the iron fist of the British Empire. Vowing revenge and seeking access to cheap health care, the rebels under plucky leader Louis-Joseph Papineau kidnap Governor General Lord Durham.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Well, at least it's not a tat (700)
Last Father's Day, I signed away my daughter's nose. She's almost sixteen, which is old enough to get her licence but not old enough to get her nose pierced without parental permission.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

I'm still trying to get my passport, eh? (700)
However, I suggest you tone down the rhetoric when you call border guards "power-tripping line jockeys." This is a surefire way to ensure that you won't need a passport to enter the United States - you won't be allowed in at all. After all, they may be watching
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

One man's garage door is another's bylaw infringement (660)
MONTREAL | A garage is such a unique suburban invention. It is us. It is where we keep the car in the winter and the bicycles and sports gear in the summer. Sure it fills up, but at the end of each summer we have a garage sale.
Ricky Blue is a Montreal-based humorist, singer, and writer.

The sequel to end all sequels ('though not likely) (730)
This week, I went to see the summer's most humongous blockbuster extravasequel of them all: SpiderShrek of the Caribbean Ocean 13. It was so sequelicious that I have to share it with you.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

The joys of changing homes (730)
Over the last few weeks I've discovered one inalienable truth. Moving is no problem. It's not the sale of your house, although putting up with the lookers, the pryers, and eventually the buyers is a pain.
Tim Belford is host of Quebec AM, CBC Radio's popular off-island morning program.

Suffers in the translation, or: The French have a word for it, but I just don't know it (600)
You may be the brightest, coolest, LOLing-est person in your own language but placed in another language setting you risk coming across as boring or a moron or a boring moron.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Lifestyle catches up with our Gallivanting Gourmand (640 words)
A penchant for putting butter on brownies has finally caught up with me.
Greg Duncan is the LCC's Gallivanting Gourmand.

Taxman, reward that tree keeper (640)
If a Middle Eastern country, being a carbon source, gets to pump it out of the ground, cash the cheques, and make trouble, surely we, at the other end, should be able to reclaim it from the atmosphere, store it, cash the cheques, and make peace.
Ricky Blue is a Montreal-based humorist, singer, and writer.

Musings from a budding evolutionary (700)
As the writer Bill Bryson points out, our planet and life on it have changed drastically several times. Often these changes resulted from some sort of global cataclysmic event, and I'm not just talking about the release of another Die Hard movie.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Frickin' awsome! (700)
"Can you get me a stick? Thank you. When I stir the water it's a potion that turns you into a monster or maybe if you have too much you die. Want a sip?"
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Canada's Summer of Love a forgotten ideal (635)
Canada is now no longer a country of individuals, living equally under one set of laws and regulations. It is rather a patchwork of groups, each claiming the redress of historical grievances, special privileges for themselves, the repression of those who "threaten" them, and ultimately, greater access to the irresistible growing reservoir of tax dollars.
Ricky Blue is a Montreal-based humorist, singer, and writer.

US Military Intelligence strikes again (580)
I'd never noticed before but if you look closely there appears to be a wire running from the polar bear's right hind foot to the silver rim of the coin. Could it be a micro-circuit? Could we all be walking around with a miniature homing device in our pocket?
Tim Belford is host of Quebec AM, CBC Radio's popular off-island morning program.

Scent of a Tory Canuck (670)
What are the Liberals trying to 'cover up,' I ask you. Is there some kind of 'stink' they've been trying to hide all these years? Well, let me tell you, the Conservatives are different. When you smell John Baird, you're smelling only John Baird!"
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

No Bloke Queen at our Birthday Party (630)
That's it! Stop the music! There will be no queen at this party! That's right. Elizabeth 2nd, by the Grace of God, Queen of Great Britain, Northern Ireland, and several other bits and pieces scattered around the globe, is not welcome at Quebec's 400th birthday bash.
Tim Belford is host of Quebec AM, CBC Radio's popular off-island morning program.

Never been poked (700)
What these Internet technologies have in common is they are all about shameless self-promotion. They are a way to say to the world, "Hey, look at me, I'm here! And I've had my body provocatively pierced!"
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

The lovely Belinda added so much drama to our boring Canadian political life (630)
She had this big burly guy so wrapped around her little finger that once, when he was supposed to be at a fundraising golf tournament in the Maritimes, he was spotted walking with her on a New York City street carrying an armload of packages. She had not only seduced the toughest guy in the NHL - she had also taken him shopping.
Ricky Blue is a Montreal-based humorist, singer, and writer.

Not another young Western life wasted, not another young Western body maimed (300)
I heard the word "Allah!" over and over again, so it was clear they were invoking the name they give the all-merciful, all-loving God. I understood the whistles and cheers, the sound of clapping, the pointing of fingers, the pumping of hands and fists. The men were high-spirited, passionate.
John Mahoney edits the LCC.

The bomb at the bottom of the street (715)
I sauntered back down some time later, just in time to see the bomb squad robot emerge from the truck. Very cool! We practically cheered. It was a big crowd now, including television crews and reporters.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

What cheese are you? (430 words)
I have yet to find a decent recipe on You Tube for a Quebec Maple or sugar pie so perhaps one of you could claim your fifteen seconds of fame, post a clip, and make us Canucks proud. Otherwise, I just might have to do it myself.
Greg Duncan is the LCC's Gallivanting Gourmand.

Let me make one thing perfectly clear: I am not a cook (660)
"What's for supper?" That's a good question, Emily, and thank you for asking it. I'd just like to say that this is a very complex and sensitive situation. I can assure you that the Household is looking at this question with the utmost attention in order to come up with a solution in a timely manner.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Reality is in the mind of the inventor (680)
Take the "device for producing dimples," for example. This was the brainchild of M. Goetze. Now, I reckon the industrious Mr. Goetze probably got his start at the Marquis de Sade Manufacturing Co. The dimple producer resembles not so much a beauty aid as a device for extracting military secrets. It consists of a handle, much like the one you find on a brace and bit, and two arms. One has a rounded end and is placed against the cheek. The other has a receptacle for the round end and goes inside the mouth...
Tim Belford is host of Quebec AM, CBC Radio's popular off-island morning program.

Hip Hop-ocracy (680 words)
If you were shocked when Don Imus of the "Imus in the Morning" radio and TV show referred to the Rutgers Women's Basketball Team as "nappy-headed hos" then you must be a new listener. Imus has been pulling this type of garbage for years.
Jim Austin writes in Putney, Vermont.

Save 'our' field (690)
The lot has been for sale for as long as we've been in this house, about thirteen years. Up until a few weeks ago, its availability was advertised only by a hand-painted sign with a phone number and the advisory "S'NO DUMPING." I was always comforted by the non-threatening ambiguity of that sign. It might have well read, "For sale, or not. No biggie."
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

We who are not them (665)
Mario Dumont played the identity card and won big time. Because he is one of: (to borrow a phrase coined by Jacques Parizeau on referendum night in 1995) "we who are us." I love that phrase. It says so much, so succinctly. (Let's give the jolly old separatist fart his due!)
Ricky Blue is a Montreal-based humorist, singer, and writer.

Patiently waiting for victory, eh? (500)
The last time the Maple Leafs won the Stanley Cup Lester Pearson was Prime Minister. Exp. 67 was getting ready to kick off the best year the nation was to have for quite some time. Dinosaurs still roamed the earth and I was just twenty years old.
Tim Belford is host of Quebec AM, CBC Radio's popular off-island morning program.

Why drinking 'milk' that smells like feet is a good thing (715)
A couple of weeks ago we had a particularly bad morning. I put my foot down and said she wasn't going to school until her glass was empty. There were tears. And not just Abby's.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Whither Post-election Quebec? (500)
Finally, 25 percent of the population either thinks everyone should have a windmill in their own back yard, or, the best way to cure poverty is to tax companies out of business, or, there's actually no point in voting at all anyway.
Tim Belford is host of Quebec AM, CBC Radio's popular off-island morning program.

A political act of Quebec escapism (650)
I want to register a protest vote. At first I think that not voting would do that. But that is not really a protest vote, that's a non-vote. And I feel it is my civic duty to vote. After all, if you are given a right and you do not use it, then you deserve to lose it.
Ricky Blue is a Montreal-based humorist, singer, and writer.

Sugar time and looking for the good stuff (490 words)
There was a time in my life when pure maple syrup flowed like tap water at my house and I had no idea how lucky I was to have cans of the stuff put away like so much soup in a cupboard.
Greg Duncan is the LCC's Gallivanting Gourmand.

The facts you need on April Fool's Day (640)
April Fool's Day is believed to have originated in Rome in 56 AD when Emperor Vivesectus marked the twelfth birthday of his son Egregious, whom he was not particularly fond of.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

In praise of snow (675)
I can still picture our ultimate snow fort: it had actual ice chairs and tables, you could stand up in it, and, if memory serves, there may actually have been a rec room with a pool table and bar.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Spring forward, fall back, grump, grump, grump (550)
This is three weeks earlier than normal. Why? Something to do with saving energy, extending daylight hours during the workday, blah blah blah. I really think it's just the U.S. asserting itself, like a parent imposing an arbitrary rule simply "because I said so."
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

A timely bit of Irish fun, for the season and all (480 words)
Patrick, the patron saint of Ireland wasn't born Irish, you know. He was born around 373 A.D. in either Scotland, near the town of Dumbarton, or in Roman Britain.
Greg Duncan is the LCC's Gallivanting Gourmand.

Impeach Bush Now (840 words)
The last political figure that sanctioned torture and invaded another country for profit was hanged while still in office. Saddam Hussein had other similarities with George Bush.
Jim Austin writes in Putney, Vermont.

How peanut butter is destroying the planet (640)
If we're going to save the planet, it may be up to my generation. The older generation is too set in its ways and the younger generation is too "like, no way!"
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Quebec election a lost cause (590)
Another Quebec election - whoopdeedoo! An uplifting and intelligent period of new ideas and exciting solutions - not! We are all locked in a prison cell of high government debt, over-taxation, bureaucratic bumbling, and a litany of broken promises.
Ricky Blue is a Montreal-based humorist, singer, and writer.

Flying wasabi and cloned cows sour my milk (670 words)
So you are flying around in space and you have the munchies. What to do? Why, reach for the sushi and wasabi of course. Or you could have some Mutter Paneer (Indian curried cheese and peas) with basmati rice.
Greg Duncan is the LCC's Gallivanting Gourmand.

Attention aging breeders, better that you don't (600)
How many kids want to have dad show up at the minor soccer championships only to watch him felled when an errant ball knocks his walker out from under him?
Tim Belford is host of Quebec AM, CBC Radio's popular off-island morning program.

Following driving directions: It's a man thing (730)
The stereotype goes that a man will do anything rather than ask for directions. But what if he doesn't know where he's supposed to be in the first place?
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

The Oscar for Best Use of Cute Ponies goes to� (655)
I'm feeling somewhat reticular (don't ask) this week so I'm going to turn things over to Abby, five-and-a-half, to offer her predictions on who will bring home the Oscars at this Sunday's Academy Awards.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Clothes make the Don (600)
Every Saturday night millions of Canadians tune in to Hockey Night in Canada, a genuine Canadian tradition. And for many the highlight takes place right after the first period.
Ricky Blue is a Montreal-based humorist, singer, and writer.

Mister Positive (640)
It's come to my attention that I've seemed overly crusty in my writing lately. I guess that column on corporal punishment for wayward kittens was going too far.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

I don't want my boy to go soldiering (580)
How can it make sense to send them to a time-warped wasteland where they walk around as targets? We might as well paint a bull's eye on each one of them. In that twisted, sick, black hole of barbarism they can be blown up while they are handing candies out to children.
Ricky Blue is a Montreal-based humorist, singer, and writer.

Scratch a pig, then sniff it, eh? (600 words)
As a lover of Asian food, imagine my excitement when I learned of the release of a new postage stamp that smells and tastes of sweet and sour pork when scratched and licked.
Greg Duncan is the LCC's Gallivanting Gourmand.

On Valentine's Day, "Eat my shorts" takes on a whole new meaning (690)
Last weekend in Montreal, I saw two Valentine conventions in one: candy underwear. You had your choice of bra, g-string, garter, those weird suspender things, and something for men that I don't know what you'd call and I'd rather not think about.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Tim's take on Canada's new Food Guide (580)
It's even more important in this day of fast food and eating on the run. Let's face it, when half the population thinks the four basic food groups are salt, fries, ketchup and Pepsi, we need guidance.
Tim Belford is host of Quebec AM, CBC Radio's popular off-island morning program.

Grass is definitely greener in Alberta (580)
Recently, when I was in Calgary, a man came up to me and said: "You guys are from Montreal, right?" I answered in the affirmative. "What part?" I told him the West Island. "Oh, I used to live in Pointe Claire," he said. "How are things going back there"?
Ricky Blue is a Montreal-based humorist, singer, and writer.

Valentine, you're food for my soul (580 words)
No romantic pressure this month dear readers. A little planning is all it takes to produce a Valentine dinner for two that he or she will reward you for.
Greg Duncan is the LCC's Gallivanting Gourmand. The boob tube police (640)
Whatever the wording, the basic concept has remained virtually unchanged for close to 30 years, even though in 1977, video players were the size and weight of car radiators. Little monkeys lived inside the machines to rewind the tapes.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

(255 words)
Disappointing Quebec Observations: 2006/07
There has been an increase in "vigilance" from the Saint-Jean- Baptiste Society and Mouvement Montréal against the English language...remember, you'll never know where you'll find the good doctor. Perhaps in line behind you at WalMart. Dining at the neighboring table. Returning a corked bottle of wine to the local supermarket. Stumbling out of the dentist's chair. But wherever the good doctor perambulates, rest assured that all five senses will be focused on the immediate experience and ready to assimilate any tainted data for another random act of observation...

How to avoid the flu (570)
The flu was invented in Spain in 1918, and the craze soon swept the globe. Later, many Asian countries adapted the flu, making it cheaper and more compact. Bird Flu is named after former NBA great Larry Bird, who suffered from the disease, resulting in him being kinda dorky looking.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Yogurt demystified (470 words)
The best nutritional deal is plain yogurt, which has only two ingredients: live cultures and milk (whole milk, low-fat, or skim). The longer the ingredients list, the more calories you get and the less yogurt nutrition.
Greg Duncan is the LCC's Gallivanting Gourmand.

I, iPodder (650)
Don't clean toilets wearing your iPod.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Nobody wants to talk about farts, but� (590 words)
After posting a recipe for 7-day cabbage diet soup last week, a couple of readers e-mailed to let me know that their spouses are not pleased and I feel I must respond. I'll spare you the intimate details but warn that if you are uncomfortable with discussion about bodily functions, you should read no further.
Greg Duncan is the LCC's Gallivanting Gourmand.

The Year that was (790)
Recently the Canadian government formally recognized the Québécois nation; who have been planning their exit for thirty years. Maybe this recognition is part of it. But what about the Anglos? We may live on the reservation but we're not part of the nation.
Ricky Blue is a Montreal-based humorist, singer, and writer.

Quest for fries (660)
We drove the fifteen minutes or so to one of the more popular eateries in the area. It wasn't our preferred choice but it had French fries, and that was a major consideration in our choice.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Tax-free diet food (500 words)
As much as I like the beginning of a new year its arrival brings with it the notion of weight loss and taxes. If you are like me, you dread the thought of both.
Greg Duncan is the LCC's Gallivanting Gourmand.

Happy New (and improved!) Year (640)
From the creators of 2006, New Coke, and the remake of that movie that wasn't much good in the first place comes the most spectacular year yet: the new and improved 2007!
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

The Red Rider rides again (500 words)
Tom Cochrane's recent offering No Stranger reinforces his commitment to lyrical depth. No shallow ditties here, he confirms his place as Canada's premier songsmith.
Greg Duncan, the LCC's Gallivanting Gourmand, is also an old Rocker and can also write about it.

Yet another end-of-the year list (480)
It's a new year, which means that columnists across the land have officially used up their year's supply of ideas. Thus - tada! - the end-of-year best/worst column. Why, it almost writes itself...
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Questions I'm being asked about leaving Fool's Hollow (190)
Q: Is it true you're selling the Hovel and moving to Ontario?
John Mahoney edits the LCC.

Christmas wrapped up tight (660)
Someone - and it may have been someone in my own family - has given my mother a role of duct tape. This is like giving heroin to someone who obviously shouldn't have heroin.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

What's Hot or Not for 2007 (533 words)
The biggest food stories of 2006 saw us living in fear of a variety of contaminants in the average food supply. From e coli to salmonella, no animal or beast nor swimming creature was unaffected by some form of disease.
Greg Duncan is the LCC's Gallivanting Gourmand.

Cold enough for ya? (780)
One of the coldest times I ever spent was delivering newspapers in Stamford, Ontario, just outside of Niagara Falls. The wind was making a straight, unimpeded run from Windsor to the Honeymoon Capital of the World and the only thing in its way were my ears and nose.
Tim Belford is host of Quebec AM, CBC Radio's popular off-island morning program.

General office party rule: no photocopying (650)
The office Christmas party is rife with tradition: the goodwill between co-workers, the exchanging of suet-based gifts, skinny-dipping in the eggnog, the yuletide unicycles. Oh wait, those are traditions only here at Murray Corp.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Damned if I know (870 words)
The fighting part was easy. They reached Baghdad and tore down the statue of Hussein with very few losses. It was there that the plan ended.Jim Austin observes the Universe from Putney, Vermont.

The Spirit of Christmas is in your kitchen (500 words)
So you can finally get into the spirit of the season�a few years back, I posted this humorous list of Martha Stewart Christmas project ideas and the list is still landing in e-mail boxes everywhere. Some things are timeless.
Greg Duncan is the LCC's Gallivanting Gourmand.

Is there enough guilt in your diet? (640)
Last night I ate some Cheese Nips. These were American-brand Cheese Nips, which means they were extra cheesier than the Canadian version. If there's one thing the US has excelled at more than any other it's cheese-flavour augmentation.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Truffles, no trifling matter (500 words)
Right now, somewhere in the oak groves of Europe, dogs, pigs, and humans are on a quest for an elusive fungus worth its weight in gold ... good truffle can sell for $2000 and is highly treasured.
Greg Duncan is the LCC's Gallivanting Gourmand.

Citizen, we know who you are (300)
See, there are now the Good Guys, the patriots who are charged with keeping the Homeland safe from terrorists and criminals. And then there is Everybody Else.
John Mahoney edits this cyber rag.

About That Quebec 'Nation' Thing (640)
Asked what this new status will mean for Quebec, Duceppe replied, "Status as a nation will allow us to enjoy such nation-like elements as, oh, I don't know, a flag, borders with our neighbours, a separate tax system. And don't forget holidays. We can have our own national holidays. I know, it's incredible, right?"
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Quebec politics, Quebec desserts (620 words)
Forgive me, dear reader, if I put down my wine for a moment to raise the issue of 'Quebec as a nation.' It's the hot dinner topic of the week, don't you know. Listen carefully�
Greg Duncan is the LCC's Gallivanting Gourmand.

(580)
One of the most enduring predictions of George Orwell's 1984 was his description of 'newspeak,' the control of words by the state in order to control thought. Today, the struggle to control words is everywhere.
Ricky Blue is a Montreal-based humorist, singer, and writer.

Buy "my" book (650)
Technically, it's not "my" book but I'm in it. Ever so briefly, 150 words to be exact. But it's a real book with a real publisher and I'm being paid real money. Not yet, but I will be. I think.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Isn't "Henkel Trocken" German for "Mountain Dew"? (610)
Does champagne have an expiration date? Not real champagne but "champagne" in quotation marks, sparkling wine, the stuff of wedding receptions and New Year's Eve debaucheries. Sweet stuff with bubbles.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

The slur heard round' the world (695 words)
Who feels the loss of the US Senate more than skuzoid George Allen, erstwhile Senator of Virginia? George was all warm and cozy in his little nest of viperous Republican supporters, thinking no doubt that there was nothing on earth that could convince his legions of anti-abortion, snuff dippin', gun totin' gomers to vote against him.DAMNED IF I KNOW
Posted 12.14.06
JIM AUSTIN
The fighting part was easy. They reached Baghdad and tore down the statue of Hussein with very few losses. It was there that the plan ended.
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Name one for Middle Of The Road Bob (575)
Money spent on new street signs and maps and self-congratulatory receptions will come from the highest-taxed people in North America. High taxes are as Quebecois as "Les Gens de Pays" which means "The mugs who pay."
Ricky Blue is a Montreal-based humorist, singer, and writer.

No hugs for you, or you either (640)
I'm not a naturally hugging person, nor am I huggable - all bones and pointy bits. I'm a true-blue white Anglo-Saxon Protestant. I come from Scottish stock that was opposed to premarital sex because it might lead to dancing.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Food news U need (540 words)
Why do we hear of more and more food related scares? This term we have witnessed spinach that contains E coli, carrot juice containing botulism, and meat contaminated with C difficile.
Greg Duncan is the LCC's Gallivanting Gourmand.

This column may be recorded to ensure quality service (695)
"Mr. Murray, I'm calling this evening on behalf of Belle to offer you some very interesting new services which I'm sure may interest you. You are already a Belle customer, Mr. Murray?"
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

A horrible Halloween tale, eh? (715)
And now they stood in the vast hallway of the mansion, famous for its jagged spires and columns, the gnarled bone-like fortifications and the brackish moat that gurgled ominously around it, all of which led the observer to ask, "What the heck is the zoning around here?"
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Some ado about a canoe (690)
There's a canoe on the front lawn. It's supposed to be by the side of the road to be picked up either by the garbage truck or people cruising the streets for junk, whichever comes first.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

The old Nigerian scam with a Canadian twist (830 words)
What would be the first emotion to come over you if you received a letter out of the blue notifying you that you had just won 80,000 bucks?
Ray Goyette dreams of winning in Budd Lake, New Jersey.

In my book, cookies = vegetables (525 words)
Yep, it's an indulgent time of year when we gobble up tons of Halloween candy between gorge fests. If that's not enough, the local school children hit the streets and descend on neighbors selling chocolate bars for a variety of school related activities. Combine all this food with a period of declining physical activity due to waning daylight hours, and you have a recipe for the bulge.
Greg Duncan is the LCC's Gallivanting Gourmand.

The last big turkey story (for about a month) (525)
It seems - at least for me - that it is impossible to obtain a reasonable sized version of my feathered friend. Something in the order of twelve pounds, say. Enough to feed two comfortably with ample leftovers for the inevitable post-feast sandwich.
Tim Belford is host of Quebec AM, CBC Radio's popular off-island morning program.

Keeping my cool, nearly (710)
The last thing I want to do is to embarrass my children. Okay, maybe it's not the last thing. I mean, if I had to choose between something terrible like having Céline Dion as a houseguest or embarrassing my children, I'm sorry, but the kids would have to suck it up.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Had enough, America? (250)
Listen, you're all invited to read this but I'm specifically addressing the morons who put Bush et al in control of the Universe as we know it.
John Mahoney is a dual American/Canadian citizen who edits the Log Cabin Chronicles and is mightily pissed off at his birth country's leadership. Or, rather, lack of leadership.
John Mahoney edits this cyber rag.

Why the Oldies are still Goodies (580)
Recently, I rediscovered an old Peter, Paul, and Mary cassette to enjoy in my van, pretty much the only place I listen to music any more. They had been a favourite back when I listened to music all the time (before kids).
Ricky Blue is a Montreal-based humorist, singer, and writer.

Turkey table tricks and treats (510 words)
Thanksgiving is North America's national chow-down feast, the one occasion each year when gluttony becomes a patriotic duty.
Greg Duncan is the LCC's Gallivanting Gourmand.

A Thanksgiving, Turkey (720)
Excuse me, please, everyone, can I have your attention? Cousin Shane, could you stop dangling the baby over the gravy boat for a minute? I'd like to say a few words before we tuck into this delicious Thanksgiving meal.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Grab a large spoon and dig in (380 words)
Perhaps my favorite food at this time of year is a hearty soup. Whether you prepare one using any of the in- season harvest vegetables or dried legumes such as beans, peas, or lentils, the smoky addition of ham, bacon ,or sausage can turn the ordinary into the extraordinary.
Greg Duncan is the LCC's Gallivanting Gourmand.

The nun inside us (570)
When I was growing up in Nova Scotia, Antigonish was knee-deep in nuns. But she was the only nun in my school, though she didn't really act like one. She was just a touch too sarcastic to be holy.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

After the fall (570)
I fell out of a canoe recently. It's something I haven't done for a very long time. The last time I recall doing anything quite so stupid was In 1963. And then I had an excuse.
Tim Belford is host of Quebec AM, CBC Radio's popular off-island morning program.

The Birth and Death of Honest Conservatism (870 words)
Today's politician is much more likely to kiss the ass of anyone who can influence voters rather than use their boot. Goldwater flew up in my estimation in the film when, in one of his clips, he denounced those who would politicize abortion or deny the rights of homosexuals.
Jim Austin writes in Putney, Vermont.

Quebec's apple season is in full swing (400 words)
I think that our cold nights give Quebec apples a certain advantage in taste over any grown elsewhere. The night cold does something to the sugars within and, as daily sun shines down on orchard rows, it warms the apple from its sleep. This cycle makes apples grow sweeter daily while retaining perfect crunch with a tingle of tartness to boot.
Greg Duncan is the LCC's Gallivanting Gourmand.

Nothing scary in the dark except grumpy dad (670)
At some point, somehow, Abby became afraid of the dark. She's five years old and can't go to sleep in her room alone.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Lord Stanley's cup and camp (800 words)
The problem with taking on a massive project like boiling the history of hockey in Canada down to ten hours of TV (minus commercials) is that inevitably things don't make the cut. This is no way a knock on the folks who put together Hockey: A People's History.
Peter Black is the producer of CBC Radio's Breakaway program, based in Quebec City, a columnist on Canadian affairs, and a freelance writer.

It's a doctor-patient thing, eh? (640)
Here's something maybe you didn't know: a referral for blood work is no longer good after more than two years. Why this should be I'm not sure. If the doctor wanted to check your serotoblerone levels when he saw you nearly three years ago, he's probably still going to want to see them now, if not more so.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

My Fair Français (650 words)
My Fair Lady is a smash hit in Quebec. That in itself might not be surprising since the Lerner and Lowe musical comedy is one of the most popular and adored ever produced. What is perhaps notable is that the words and lyrics for the Quebec version of My Fair Lady are entirely in French - except for the play's famous title and the occasional "By George!" outburst from Professor Henry Higgins.
Peter Black is the producer of CBC Radio's Breakaway program, based in Quebec City, a columnist on Canadian affairs, and a freelance writer.

Mister Fixit rides again (625)
I borrowed my neighbour's pipe wrench. My other neighbour saw me returning with it and started to laugh - she's heard the stories.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Quebec in the major leagues (815 words)
Meanwhile, in Quebec, there are still some professional baseball play-offs to be had. Les Capitales de Quebec faced their Can-Am League rivals, the North Shore Spirit of Lynn, Massachusetts, in a play-off run that could well be over by the time you read this.
Peter Black is the producer of CBC Radio's Breakaway program, based in Quebec City, a columnist on Canadian affairs, and a freelance writer.

Plumb easy and plumb good (450 words)
It's still a few months until Christmas, but it's plum season, nonetheless. If you have a plum tree or know any one who does then chances are that you have more plums than you will ever need.
Greg Duncan is the LCC's Gallivanting Gourmand.

Plight of Quebec anglos a laughing matter, but not on CBC-TV (590)
Recently I have been lucky enough to be involved with a "hit" show. I call it a hit because it sells out wherever we perform it. It is called The Four Anglos of the Apocalypse. It features columnist Josh Freed, cartoonist Terry Mosher (Aislin), George Bowser, and myself.
Ricky Blue is a Montreal-based humorist, singer, and writer.

Fun time is over, kids -- back to school (700)
Another school year has begun. Where has the summer gone? And while I'm at it, where has the DVD remote gone?

Quebec looks to close missing link (750 words)
Along that stretch of coast, the destination for centuries for whaling and cod fleets, explorers, and seabirds, lie sixteen villages, twelve of which have English as their main language, while the others are French and Innu. Some of these villages date back nearly half a millennium; Middle Bay, for example, got its start as a post for Basque whalers in the 1500s.
Peter Black is the producer of CBC Radio's Breakaway program, based in Quebec City, a columnist on Canadian affairs, and a freelance writer.

Chocolate chips and zukes go together yummily (450 words)
"What the heck am I going to do with this entire zucchini?" She was pointing at a green behemoth waiting patiently on the ground.
Greg Duncan is the LCC's Gallivanting Gourmand.

In Vino Veritas (1000 words)
Apparently Mel blew a .012 on the Breathalyzer. Well a bunch of us decided to try and drink enough to reach that level of intoxication, as an experiment you see. Given that Mel blamed the entire episode on the booze we wanted to see if any of us would turn into raving bigots under the influence of too much beer.
Jim Austin writes in Putney, Vermont.

What I learned in PEI (725)
Skunks are cockier than raccoons. Our campsites were invaded by one, then the other in the middle of the night. I tried to scare away the skunk by throwing small objects near it (but not at it - you don't want to hit the trigger).
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Jacques Cartier find in QC raises questions (795 words)
Archaeologists, historians, and politicians are proclaiming it as surely the most important archaeological discovery in Quebec history and the answer to one of Canada's most baffling historical mysteries. Last week Quebec officials announced to the world they had found the long-sought site of the Cartier-Roberval settlement of 1541-43.
Peter Black is the producer of CBC Radio's Breakaway program, based in Quebec City, a columnist on Canadian affairs, and a freelance writer.

High Eatin' With A Blender (450 words)
You've eaten corn on the cob until you just can't eat any more, you're panicked at the thought of back to school and back to work reality, and you need a vacation from your vacation, right?
Greg Duncan is the LCC's Gallivanting Gourmand.

Nightmare for QC elm trees (740 words)
We returned from our annual summer vacation trip to find two of the five towering maples in our backyard mangled by a mini-hurricane that had swept through the neighbourhood while we were gone.

Future borders of my youth (670)
Back when I was a young man, people would cross the border from what was once called "Canada" to the United States, sometimes every day, for work, food, and what we used to call "gasoline." That was before Emperor Rove's armies invaded to contain the "socialist disease" and changed Canada's status from "country" to "Wal-Mart Supply Outlet 4312."
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Stupid helmet! (680)
She'll want to ride her bike somewhere and will be fighting us on wearing her helmet. She hates helmets. It's gotten to the point where she refuses to ride her bike rather than put one on. And now she'll have ammo...
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Taking sides on Lebanon: Quebec's rocky history with Jews (740 words)
Quebec has a long and ambiguous relationship with Jews. The recent large demonstration in Montreal, purportedly in support of peace in Lebanon, is seen as the latest expression of that troubled past.
Peter Black is the producer of CBC Radio's Breakaway program, based in Quebec City, a columnist on Canadian affairs, and a freelance writer.

Anglos can beat QC language cops by signing right names (590)
Imagine, this would undo ten years of kissing up to the nationalists while taking for granted all of us who mistakenly voted for Premier Jean Charest because we thought he might bring back justice and fairness to Quebec.
Ricky Blue is a Montreal-based humorist, singer, and writer.

Jim's back and he's got some Sport Shorts for ya (780 words)
Well, I just got back from our Brazilian vacation my fellow Americans and I can tell you that the Brazilians are not too happy. Two reasons...
Jim Austin touches all the bases in Putney, Vermont.

Back to the future with garbage (680 words)
What makes Chornet's process particularly attractive is it uses existing waste as a fuel, which avoids the somewhat contradictory problem with corn-fed ethanol, in that it doesn't require more energy to make than it produces.
Peter Black is the producer of CBC Radio's Breakaway program, based in Quebec City, a columnist on Canadian affairs, and a freelance writer.

Bugs Redux (this time in my head) (665)
How do I know I have tinnitus and not just, say, waxy buildup? Because I've been diagnosed. By Google.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Gazpacho Time (530 words)
You are burned out on the barbecue, aren't you? You have grilled, seared, roasted, and singed 'till you just can't stand the heat any longer -- you just might be exhibiting all the classic symptoms, my friend.
Greg Duncan is the LCC's Gallivanting Gourmand.

Bugs: This time it's personal (660)
If bugs were truckers, the potato plant would be the equivalent of a brightly flashing neon sign at the end of a long day on the road that reads "Gas! Lodging! Defoliate!" Throw in some nude dancing aphids and what orange-blooded parasite could resist?
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

From Russia, with gas (695 words)
Petro-Canada wants to lock in a long-term relationship with Gazprom which extracts an enormous amount of natural gas from Russian fields. It has known reserves of about 918 trillion cubic feet, which should be enough to keep Gros Cacouna going for quite some time, with its projected production of 500 million cubic feet a day.
Peter Black is the producer of CBC Radio's Breakaway program, based in Quebec City, a columnist on Canadian affairs, and a freelance writer.

(525 words)
Pssst! Need any weed killer? Cheap wine? What?
There is illicit trade going on right in your neighborhood ,dear Quebecers. Perhaps you've noticed furtive discussions between Mr. Smith and Mr. Tremblay going on across the street...Remember, you'll never know where you'll find the good doctor. Perhaps in line behind you at WalMart. Dining at the neighboring table. Returning a corked bottle of wine to the local supermarket. Stumbling out of the dentist's chair. But whereever the good doctor perambulates, rest assured that all five senses will be focused on the immediate experience and ready to assimilate any tainted data for another random act of observation...

Retired QC physician self-publishes photo book (380)
SHERBROOKE, QC | Just in time for High Summer, Dr. Robert 'Bob' Paulette's new photographic portrait of Quebec's Eastern Townships has just come off the press. The Eastern Townships contains some 100 of Paulette's color photographs made over the years throughout the backroads of this lovely region of southern Quebec.
John Mahoney edits the Log Cabin Chronicles.

Taking a legal break, eh? (635)
Since last week, this column has been on Construction Holiday. Oh, it's still running, but it has to comply with Quebec's stringent Construction Holiday Regulations under the Régie de la Solidarité des Whoopees du Québec (Chapter 4, Section D2: "Pundits, Crackpots and Pseudo-Intellectuals").
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Rhapsody in Blue (435 words)
Let's talk about B and Bs, shall we? I don't mean overnight bed and breakfasts whereby you cuddle up in a Laura Ashley-themed room and read a 1000 page novel on a cold winter weekend in a remote Vermont hideaway, either. No, I speak of the color blue and the world's most wonderful berry.
Greg Duncan is the LCC's Gallivanting Gourmand.

Remembering Talbot Papineau (745 words)
Talbot Mercer Papineau was the great-grandson of patriote leader Louis-Joseph; on his mother's side he was a descendant of a signatory of the American Declaration of Independence. He was a flawlessly bilingual Montreal lawyer, an outstanding athlete, a handsome lady's man, a Rhodes scholar, a world traveler and, inevitably, a sometimes arrogant self-promoter.
Peter Black is the producer of CBC Radio's Breakaway program, based in Quebec City, a columnist on Canadian affairs, and a freelance writer.

How to have fun camping and not drown (655)
You need all this stuff to keep the children entertained. Take the glo-sticks, for example. They're a good diversion for the campfire between servings of S'mores. It also helps you keep track of the kids when they wander off...
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Help Montreal golfers keep it green - don't let the airport pave it over (590)
Why does it seem that in a back room somewhere deals have been made, plans have been drawn up and large sums of money have changed hands, public be damned?
Ricky Blue is a Montreal-based humorist, singer, and writer.

Remembering Quebec's Deluge a decade later (655 words)
Former premier Lucien Bouchard of Quebec says he quit as premier because he had failed to revive the flame of sovereignty. Looking back, it seems to make more sense, at least on a personal level, that the political fire in Bouchard's belly may have been doused by unprecedented amounts of water and ice.
Peter Black is the producer of CBC Radio's Breakaway program, based in Quebec City, a columnist on Canadian affairs, and a freelance writer.

Cooling with the cucumbers (425 words)
A trip to the local air-conditioned grocery store can provide some welcome respite from the sun and humidity of a hot summer day. I know, because I have made a visit to the ice cream and frozen food section on more than one occasion, just to cool off.
Greg Duncan is the LCC's Gallivanting Gourmand.

Oh, those rainy days of summer (680)
Under these rainy conditions when your house is filled with kids and guests, you need to rely on your wits and cunning to keep everyone entertained while remaining sane. Booze helps.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Ottawa cautious on the Massif hill (710 words)
Now, Cirque du Soleil co-founder Daniel Gauthier wants governments to ante up $60 million as a sign of faith in what he vows will be a spectacular and unique development, the pastoral Quebec equivalent of Love, his ex-partner's new Beatles extravaganza in Las Vegas.
Peter Black is the producer of CBC Radio's Breakaway program, based in Quebec City, a columnist on Canadian affairs, and a freelance writer.

Ribs, salsa, summertime (400 words)
I pity the poor piggies at this time of year. Once our outdoor grills get fired up, there is one inevitable barbecue truth on the horizon. Ribs will make their way to our patios and smoky sessions will begin.
Greg Duncan is the LCC's Gallivanting Gourmand.

Get to know your Canada, eh? (605)
New Brunswick's motto is "Spem reduxit," which means, "Place to drive through as quickly as possible." New Brunswick fun fact: By law, all first-born males must be named "Phineas."

Quebec's Premier Charest gets a pony of a poll (640 words)
While John-James celebrated his 48th at home in the Eastern Townships on the St. Jean Baptiste holiday, pollsters were completing the tabulation of a stunning survey. The Leger Marketing poll showed the Liberals pulling ahead of the Parti Quebecois for the first time in three years.
Peter Black is the producer of CBC Radio's Breakaway program, based in Quebec City, a columnist on Canadian affairs, and a freelance writer.

Through the Looking Glass (740 words)
If this is a war, which it is, then when the war ends neither we nor the Iraqi government can seek out and prosecute the fighters. Why would a warrior ever agree to a peace if they thought they would be thrown in jail and perhaps executed for their role as an insurgent?
Jim Austin writes in Putney, Vermont.

Dad's Guide to Summer (580)
This summer I will be attending many sporting events. In my family there is a soccer player, a football player, a baseball player, a softball player and an umpire - and I only have two kids. Consequently, in my mini van I carry:
Ricky Blue is a Montreal-based humorist, singer, and writer.

All Orford, all the time (650)
In Quebec's ongoing top story of 2006 (or quite possibly ever), opponents of the Mount Orford Park land deal say they will launch a legal challenge against the Quebec government's legislation to sell off a portion of the public land.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Quebec's Educationist Shuck & Dive Squad (450)
Q: What glows and stinks like dead fish in the moonlight?
A: The so-called school kids' Laptop Initiative bulldogged by the Eastern Townships School Board (ETSB).
John Mahoney edits the Log Cabin Chronicles.

Quebec's Shawinigate, the closing act (860 words)
The Crown is trying to prove that on the night of February 2, 2004, Duhaime set fire to the old wing of the hotel. To do that prosecutors will have to demonstrate Duhaime had not only the motive, but the time to ignite flammable materials in a hotel room that fire officials say caused the blaze.
Peter Black is the producer of CBC Radio's Breakaway program, based in Quebec City, a columnist on Canadian affairs, and a freelance writer.

You've got your strawberries, your rhubarb (575 words)
The strawberries that we know and love today are the cultivated ancestors of wild varieties that once grew in abundance in colder northern climates, such as the Americas. We can thank First Nation peoples for demonstrating just what to do with them. In fact, our much beloved strawberry shortcake is an adaptation from simple strawberry bread made by Native Americans.
Greg Duncan is the LCC's Gallivanting Gourmand.

So, how do you like me so far? (650)
If fatherhood were a business, Father's Day would be the end of the fiscal year, the moment when you finally get that year-end bonus you've been working towards for the past twelve months, except instead of shares in the company you get ties and golf balls.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Getting English out of the Quebec toaster (745 words)
Quebec Education Minister Jean-Marc Fournier has a lofty vision for a new generation of bilingual Quebecers: "Perhaps we can go further than 'yes, no, toaster.' "
Peter Black is the producer of CBC Radio's Breakaway program, based in Quebec City, a columnist on Canadian affairs, and a freelance writer.

A Red Meat Day At The Cow Palace (560)
DERBY CENTER, VT | If you're a Vegan, read no further. This here piece is about red meat and whiskey followed by pie and ice cream.
John Mahoney edits the Log Cabin Chronicles.

Sports hero beards and other superstitions (680)
Over the past year or so, my 10-year-old has become one of those boys who can rattle off players' names like they're buddies from school, who pledges allegiance to the team (Senators... okay, now the Oilers), and who collects hockey cards for the cards and not (like I did) just for the gum.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Beware of Beans (680 words)
How can you people not understand that gay marriage rocks the underpinnings of our culture? Allowing two people of the same sex live together like man and wife is not only an affront to God, it destroys the sanctity of marriage and undermines even the marriages of differently sexed couples.
Jim Austin writes in Putney, Vermont.

Quebec shipyard stays afloat (780 words)
If the Davie shipyard in Levis were a cat it would be purring into its ninth life, its belly full of Norwegian herring.
Peter Black is the producer of CBC Radio's Breakaway program, based in Quebec City, a columnist on Canadian affairs, and a freelance writer.

Veteran QC newspaper editor retires (1100)
SHERBROOKE, QC | It's a far piece to travel from the Gaspé to the Eastern Townships but not as far as from the tiny Gaspé SPEC community newspaper to the editorship of the daily Sherbrooke Record.
John Mahoney edits the Log Cabin Chronicles.

The yahoos aren't that funny anymore (660)
I was thinking recently that there are few moments of small-town life more satisfying than seeing one of the local tire-squealing, peace-disturbing, life-risking, high-speed yahoos pulled over by the cops.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Patrick Roy's Quebec homecoming (830 words)
Almost exactly three years ago goaltending legend Patrick Roy hung up his pads, looked north beyond the Colorado Rocky Mountains, and saw his destiny.
Peter Black is the producer of CBC Radio's Breakaway program, based in Quebec City, a columnist on Canadian affairs, and a freelance writer.

The Blues at Pete's (590)
If you have ever been to Smoked Meat Pete's on Ile Perrot, on Montreal's West Island, you know that Pete is a blues fan. He always has blues music playing in his restaurant and even has live blues bands on Thursday, Friday, and Saturday.
Ricky Blue is a Montreal-based humorist, singer, and writer.

The One-dollar Circle of Hell (650)
If you find yourself in a mall and you pass by a dollar store, you may see a man hovering near the entrance. He will be slumped, looking not just bored but utterly defeated, like someone whose soul has been pulverized by the despair of ever seeing his family emerge from the shelves of useless trinkets and tinned meats.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

They spatchcock chickens, don't they? (410 words)
Perhaps you have heard of grilled chicken under a brick. But have you tried this ancient method of splitting a chicken down the back and then weighting and flattening it for an afternoon grill?
Greg Duncan is the LCC's Gallivanting Gourmand.

Trying to make census of it all (605)
As a follow-up to the 2006 Census and to improve future statistics-divulging experiences, please take the time to complete the survey below. All responses are confidential, except for Question 9, which our employees are likely to show around the office and laugh and laugh and laugh.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Quebec - finally - butts out (690 words)
At midnight on May 31 Quebec finally joins the other nine provinces in banning smoking in virtually all public places, including restaurants and bars. It's been a long time in coming, and even though certain groups are fuming - pardon the pun - the Charest government felt the time was right for Quebecers to go cold turkey in the province's eateries and watering holes.
Peter Black is the producer of CBC Radio's Breakaway program, based in Quebec City, a columnist on Canadian affairs, and a freelance writer.

Eat green to perk up, eh? (380 words)
This spring season has been very useful for cool weather vegetables that appreciate moisture and chill. If you haven't noticed, there have been many pickers at roadside gathering wild salad ingredients.
Greg Duncan is the LCC's Gallivanting Gourmand.

Baseball, Bonds, and the Immortal Bard (580)
"I'll just take a little of this under my tongue and shoot a little of that into my heinie and suddenly a Texas leaguer will sail all the way into the Bay. Hello! Super-size me!"
Ricky Blue is a Montreal-based humorist, singer, and writer.

Guns, guns for everyone (630)
Canada Customs officers were jumping with joy (albeit without cracking a smile) recently after they learned that the federal Conservatives will honour their pledge to start providing them with guns.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

RC Church 'promotes' Québ&e;cute;cois cursing (680 words)
As any Canadian with even a passing knowledge of Qu&ecute;bécois French will know, the curses of choice in the province are almost exclusively of religious origin.
Peter Black is the producer of CBC Radio's Breakaway program, based in Quebec City, a columnist on Canadian affairs, and a freelance writer.

Harder than Chinese Algebra (720 words)
This local tempest is a microcosm of our national political situation. Republicans in this country had every chance to dump George Bush after he screwed up his first term. They did it to his daddy. But no, something changed in the psyche of the feral Republicans...
Jim Austin writes in Putney, Vermont.

Orange Dream Cake (400 words)
We roasted split chickens rubbed with lemon; garlic, oregano, and sea salt and enjoyed a yellow bean and new potato salad with roasted red peppers and a mound of steamed organic brown rice.
Greg Duncan is the LCC's Gallivanting Gourmand.

Conversations with Moe and other tricks (670)
Who says you can't train a cat? Every night, around 4 a.m., our cat Moe pads upstairs or hops down from the comfy spot he's found wrapped around one of the children's head. Then he comes to my bed and meows to be let outside.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Honor thy Mother with a casserole (300 words)
It is appropriate that Mothers Day always falls on a Sunday as this gives kids and Dads the perfect opportunity to make Mom a breakfast in bed. If you make this dish then you can catch a few extra winks too and pop it in the oven so she can wake to the smell of yummy promises.
Greg Duncan is the LCC's Gallivanting Gourmand.

Quebec doubts loom about gay secessionist Boisclair (740 words)
There is a temptation to see Quebec as having a Jerry Seinfeld "not- that-there's-anything-wrong-with-that" point of view when it comes to homosexuality.
Peter Black is the producer of CBC Radio's Breakaway program, based in Quebec City, a columnist on Canadian affairs, and a freelance writer.

Not Java Jiving here (400 words)
It was only a matter of time then that coffee was put to good use as a barbecue rub for steaks. In fact, this dry rub is so good that it was the primary reason for a first place win in a national steak-cooking contest to the tune of a $50,000 grand prize.
Greg Duncan is the LCC's Gallivanting Gourmand.

Don't get me going on the Tim Horton chain (490 words)
Random Acts of Observation by Dr. Anonymous.
Oh, my, he has it in for the Tim Horton franchise. As usual, he's hit the nail on the head, once again. Remember, you'll never know where you'll find the good doctor. Perhaps in line behind you at WalMart. Dining at the neighboring table. Returning a corked bottle of wine to the local supermarket. Stumbling out of the dentist's chair. But whereever the good doctor perambulates, rest assured that all five senses will be focused on the immediate experience and ready to assimilate any tainted data for another random act of observation...

To the bold go the doughnuts (640)
My mob stood at the counter determining whether to order the McLump or the McFat when the man approached us and said, "Do you mind if I go first? I just want a coffee."
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Stephane Dion runs against Canadian 'alternance' (815 words)
First of all, Stephane Dion is anything but stupid. You might add that neither is he vain, foolish, nor mentally unbalanced.
Peter Black is the producer of CBC Radio's Breakaway program, based in Quebec City, a columnist on Canadian affairs, and a freelance writer.

The advantages of not keeping up with the Joneses (590)
Thieves love electronic equipment. It is easy to sell. Everybody wants it. But there are exceptions. Apparently if a thief breaks into your house he will leave the VCR behind. Yes, you know a technology is obsolete when even the thieves won't take it.
Ricky Blue is a Montreal-based humorist, singer, and writer.

Good Old Dad's Very Best Olives (430 words)
>I make these olives often as they go very fast around here. My daughter Erin especially loves them and I can't keep them in stock, as she will eat a whole jar in one sitting. It must be the marinade.
Greg Duncan is the LCC's Gallivanting Gourmand.

Pearson's language legacy strained (720 words)
Interestingly - and importantly - the greatest victory on the language front may be in Quebec itself, where some sixty-seven percent of English-speakers now call themselves bilingual.
Peter Black is the producer of CBC Radio's Breakaway program, based in Quebec City, a columnist on Canadian affairs, and a freelance writer.

Publisher, you are fired (550 words)
I didn't get fired exactly. This is more seppuku than homicide. My demise was orchestrated by whoever has been raping my columns and rendering them flaccid and rather mundane. Sometimes it's the editor and sometimes "unnamed assailants."
Mean Jim Austin writes in Putney, Vermont.

Bummer (400)
Well, I may never know if I've got the perfect butt or not.
Tim Belford is host of Quebec AM, CBC Radio's popular off-island morning program.

OK, but whatever happened to 'Dibs on that!' (710)
It's not entirely clear to me what is meant by "possession is nine-tenths of the law" but I'm pretty sure it has nothing to do with class-action suits against shoddy exorcisms. I think it means the fighting over who owns what.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

BBQ Tandoori Spiced Halibut Fillets with Cucumber and Yogurt Salad (450 words)
You've rid the barbecue of spiders and cobwebs, scraped off the remnants of last years late autumn cook-off, and have a full tank of propane or a bag of charcoal waiting, right?
Greg Duncan is the LCC's Gallivanting Gourmand.

Quebec bullish on oil and gas (750 words)
Oil in the Gaspé -- it's a notion that takes some getting used to, but for those who have followed the slow and cautious growth of petroleum exploration and development in the Gaspé Peninsula it is not a surprise.
Peter Black is the producer of CBC Radio's Breakaway program, based in Quebec City, a columnist on Canadian affairs, and a freelance writer.

Politics as usual (775 words)
It seems like every day a new lie or manipulation of facts turns up to indict our big fat liar President and his merry band of mendacious miscreants.
Jim Austin writes in Putney, Vermont.

Barbecuing ~ It's really quite simple (635)
I cooked my first steak a week before we put the clocks forward, which is like the spring training of barbecue season. I ended up barbecuing in the dark, but that was okay. I was guided by the porch light and the flames shooting out of the propane connection.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Quebec artists: sovereignty more than fiscal imbalance (660 words)
What these two giants of Quebec culture are saying, in essence, is that the romantic, revolutionary thrill has gone from the independence movement and it seems now to only be about bloodless intergovernmental financing.
Peter Black is the producer of CBC Radio's Breakaway program, based in Quebec City, a columnist on Canadian affairs, and a freelance writer.

Easter basics: Ham, maple syrup, and Jack Daniels (500 words)
What dish is most commonly served at Easter tables? Ham, of course, and inquiring minds want to know just why.
Greg Duncan is the LCC's Gallivanting Gourmand.

From wheelies to behind the wheel (580)
Today I would like to talk about something even scarier than my Beaconsfield tax bill: my teenage son's learner's permit..."I can't wait to take you to England," I say. "I can't wait for you to find out what it's like to drive on the left side of the street legally."
Ricky Blue is a Montreal-based humorist, singer, and writer.

How about a grilled sesame-crusted salmon steak? (507 words)
I don't like eating anything that sounds like it should be on the next space shuttle. Of course, when scientists unite to provide information on nutrition they must use proper terms. Omega 3 is a good example of what I speak.
Greg Duncan is the LCC's Gallivanting Gourmand.

Water, Wind, Nuke (740 words)
Another dilemma over an environmental issue faces the by-now bee-stung and gun-shy Quebec Liberals. It is the question of giving the green light to refurbishing the province's sole nuclear reactor, Gentilly 2, on the St. Lawrence River across from Trois Rivieres.
Peter Black is the producer of CBC Radio's Breakaway program, based in Quebec City, a columnist on Canadian affairs, and a freelance writer.

April: So Special and So Now (645)
We have a busy month ahead of us, people, and there's no shortage of events, attitudes, and objects to commemorate and/or celebrate. It's best to be prepared to ensure you have the appropriate attire and know the anthem.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Dangerous Desserts 101 (555 words)
Our assembly of six weary conference attendees enjoyed a wonderful evening filled with delicious Quebec products such as wild boar spareribs with a Jack Daniels barbecue sauce, grain fed Cornish hen, Oka cheese melted atop oyster mushrooms, local goat cheese-stuffed cherry tomatoes and an unidentified local cheese and cauliflower soup.
Greg Duncan is the LCC's Gallivanting Gourmand.

Quebec Debt: At $118 Billion - Tell Me About That Generation Fund Idea (760 words)
As of this week, Quebec's debt hit $118 billion, a sum that is difficult to imagine, and much more difficult to manage. At 44 percent of GDP, Quebec's debt is by far the highest of any province; Nova Scotia is next at 34 percent, Newfoundland and Labrador follows at 32 percent.
Peter Black is the producer of CBC Radio's Breakaway program, based in Quebec City, a columnist on Canadian affairs, and a freelance writer.

Mamas, don't let your babies grow up to hate country (660)
Around these parts, this is like saying René Levesque might have been on to something, but I'll say it anyway: I don't like country music.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

The Quebec Liberal: Disappointed and in Despair (575)
Our local Liberal candidate could ride around the West Island in a limousine, drunk, with a lady of the night on each arm, yelling up at our windows: "Hey suckers, get down here and give me all your votes!" And as we reach into our pockets to give him the votes, we would say: "OK. Here you go, baby. Have a good time."
Ricky Blue is a Montreal-based humorist, singer, and writer.

PQ broke Marois' heart (685 words)
As her friend and fellow PQ female icon Lise Payette put it in her Journal de Montreal column this week, the PQ didn't deserve Marois, and she did not deserve the way the party treated her.
Peter Black is the producer of CBC Radio's Breakaway program, based in Quebec City, a columnist on Canadian affairs, and a freelance writer.

Forgive my neglect, eh? (590 words)
Pardon the pun, but a "hot" topic of late is how to alleviate symptoms of menopause by eating appropriate foods. Due to my own climb up the age scale, I curiously witness female friends who escape to winter back porches every few minutes or so to alleviate the sweats and who fan themselves tableside with increased frequency.
Greg Duncan is the LCC's Gallivanting Gourmand.

Park it here (670)
Imagine my apprehension when I received a registered letter last week from the Quebec government. Did I owe taxes? Had they discovered my conspiracy to shave off Philippe Couillard's beard?
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Selling Kandahar to Quebecers (610 words)
A recent poll shows that a majority of Canadians now support sending troops to Afghanistan. The prime minister's stealthy visit to the Taliban hotbed of Kandahar appears to have reversed an earlier poll that suggested a strong majority of Canadians were not happy about the mission. Except in Quebec.
Peter Black is the producer of CBC Radio's Breakaway program, based in Quebec City, a columnist on Canadian affairs, and a freelance writer.

Jasmine is my co-pilot (650)
She's still there. Every now and then I pull her out in the middle of a conversation and make her talk in a Senor Wences voice: "Jasmine no like your tie. Is oooogly."
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

'Roid Rage
If you have read the Sports Illustrated article on Barry Bonds and his serial steroid use you know that he will soon become the most reviled superstar in sports history.
Jim Austin writes in Putney, Vermont.

Wearing the Green, drinking the stout (490 words)
It is almost time to wear the Green and to perform an annual ritual. The coming celebration of St. Patrick's Day is not limited to your heritage, as Irish folk will gladly bestow you with honorary status at least for one day.
Greg Duncan is the LCC's Gallivanting Gourmand.

Quebec wants a seat at the UNESCO table (645 words)
When - not if, says Prime Minister Stephen Harper - Quebec gets a place at the United Nations Educational, Scientific and Cultural Organization, the new envoy likely will be seatmates in Paris with an old Quebec political hand.
Peter Black is the producer of CBC Radio's Breakaway program, based in Quebec City, a columnist on Canadian affairs, and a freelance writer.

In Montreal: The Glom and the Civils (575)
We would have all been happy and well served, back to the way things had been run for years: competently. Instead we were dragged through all the smoke and mirrors of the riggederendum, and forcibly rounded up into the abomination council.
Ricky Blue is a Montreal-based humorist, singer, and writer.

To noun or to verb, that is the question (670)
As I was columning this morning, having coffeed and bagelled, I had to de-work to outside the dog.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Grinning for the Gold (495)
The TV cameras focused in on the world's best women's mogul skier and the glare from her grin caused TV reporters to avert their eyes and the cameramen to dim their lights.
Tim Belford is host of Quebec AM, CBC Radio's popular off-island morning program.

Review: A Montreal seafood buffet that dazzles (630 words)
The Gallivanting Gourmand rhapsodizes about a new discovery: the seafood buffet at the Hilton Atmosphere restaurant located at Montreal's airport.
Greg Duncan is the LCC's Gallivanting Gourmand.

QC Poll confirms 'Harper Effect' on Charest's Libs (660 words)
What the poll actually says, though, is that the level of dissatisfaction with the Charest government has slipped from revulsion to mere distaste, or if you prefer that quantified, from 66 percent disapproval last month, to 56 in February.
Peter Black is the producer of CBC Radio's Breakaway program, based in Quebec City, a columnist on Canadian affairs, and a freelance writer.

Food. The Olympic Games run on it (720 words)
Canada did very well in Turin despite the disappointing results of our men's hockey team. Our athletes were fueled and energized by good foods while away from home. I thought I'd provide some insight this week into the culinary environment that kept the games going.
Greg Duncan is the LCC's Gallivanting Gourmand.

O (my) Canada
Imagine, little Canada won twenty-four medals in these Torino Olympics. That's seven more than their previous high and only one less than the USA.
Jim Austin writes in Putney, Vermont.

Extreme Column Makeover: The On-line Edition (590)
Get ready for a whole new me. Starting next week, this column will undergo a fantastic, reader-pleasing makeover that will provide more style and substance and fewer saturated fats. I know you'll like me, you'll really, really like me. Oh, please like me!
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Quebec Liquor Board under increasing scrutiny (700 words)
According to information unearthed by Montreal's La Presse, there's been a considerable amount of artificial price-fixing going on, involving SAQ officials and agents representing certain labels of wine.
Peter Black is the producer of CBC Radio's Breakaway program, based in Quebec City, a columnist on Canadian affairs, and a freelance writer.

No need to go to a Pho House for a hot treat (700 words)
"Pho houses" have been around for a number of years and the more adventurous already know of what I speak. At these Vietnamese eateries, windows are steamed up, tables are crowded and chins are wet.
Greg Duncan is the LCC's Gallivanting Gourmand.

The hockey column (with Reader Commentary on) (640)
The last time I saw Montreal play was 14 years ago in the old Forum. Professional hockey has come a long way since then - or at least the distractions have. There's so much happening off the ice you don't have time to notice how lousy the actual game is.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Before the Fall, Canada's Liberal PM lost his 'Paul' (580)
It was quite moving. By saying we could once again call him Paul he was claiming his life back, his "Paul-ness." Somehow, during his tenure as prime minister he must have felt he had lost his Paul. And that's like losing your mojo. Your centre. Your humanity. Isn't that sad?
Ricky Blue is a Montreal-based humorist, singer, and writer.

Remembering KP Holmes (500)
Meeting KP on the first day of grade five coincided with my first use of a fountain pen. Until that point we had been forced to use wooden-handled straight pens with replaceable metal nibs and a pot of ink.
Tim Belford is host of Quebec AM, CBC Radio's popular off-island morning program.

In Quebec, living on thin ice (640 words)
Research scientists gathered at a conference in Winnipeg this week have concluded that Arctic ice is melting at an astounding rate. Data shows that each year an area the size of Lake Superior melts 'North of 60'.
Peter Black is the producer of CBC Radio's Breakaway program, based in Quebec City, a columnist on Canadian affairs, and a freelance writer.

First, take a chicken and a bottle of Marsala (440 words)
Marsala is a blended, fortified wine of Sicilian origin, aged for two years or more in casks. Marsala is a dark amber color with a rich, smoky flavor, and varies from sweet to dry. It is also often used as a dessert wine and in many desserts such as the Italian Zabaglione.
Greg Duncan is the LCC's Gallivanting Gourmand.

No sex please: we're English Townshippers (670)
Is sex something performed for the sole purpose of populating the Empire, the whole "Close your eyes and think of England" thing?
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Ms Vaillancourt's breathless hockey rise" From Sherbrooke to Harvard to Turin (660 words)
SHERBROOKE, QC | Hockey, in Sarah Vaillancourt's words, is her oxygen. That being the case, the 20-year-old Sherbrooke woman is now breathing the sweetest air an athlete can hope for -- the rarefied air of Olympic competition.
Peter Black is the producer of CBC Radio's Breakaway program, based in Quebec City, a columnist on Canadian affairs, and a freelance writer.

The jokers who are shaping our lives
Our society is incrementally losing its right to free speech while we watch slack-jawed and clueless.
Jim Austin writes in Putney, Vermont.

How this Canuck writer ties one on (660)
Five months into my new job, I no longer fret about getting dressed in the morning, mainly because standards, like the creases in my pants, have slackened.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

You want to place a pistol in their hands, eh? (480)
So, Canada's customs officers want to slap on the old Colt .45 or maybe a Dirty Harry-style .357 magnum so they can make some border-running scofflaw's day.
Tim Belford is host of Quebec AM, CBC Radio's popular off-island morning program.

Quebec's Bloc faces new foe (650 words)
Having failed to cash in on corruption and the most serious spike in anti-Ottawa, anti-Liberal sentiment in Quebec since the Meech Lake fiasco, the Bloc now faces the prospect of a Conservative government seemingly prepared to neutralize its other trump face-card - the so-called fiscal imbalance.
Peter Black is the producer of CBC Radio's Breakaway program, based in Quebec City, a columnist on Canadian affairs, and a freelance writer.

The Incompetence Olympics (610)
If there were an "Incompetence" Olympic games, the Bush Administration would get chronic neck pain from all the gold medals. Their latest flock of big ugly chickens has just come home to roost in the Middle East.
Jim Austin writes in Putney, Vermont.

Some 'Angry Chicken' for your lover? (515 words)
I found recipes for voodoo sauces and even one for a "Pissed Off Grandma" sauce.
Greg Duncan is the LCC's Gallivanting Gourmand.

Letter to (X) Prime Minister Paul Martin on the Day After (670)
I'm just writing to offer you my condolences and wish you the best of luck. I don't think you're a bad person, even if you are a Quebec Liberal.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Quebecers stampede to Calgarian (730 words)
Harper's new equation for electoral success in Quebec has basically debunked the prevailing hypothesis that voters in the province will reject any federal leader who is not from here, not fluently bilingual or not without demonstrable francophone ancestry.
Peter Black is the producer of CBC Radio's Breakaway program, based in Quebec City, a columnist on Canadian affairs, and a freelance writer.

Some free Canadian advice for the new Prime Minister, eh? (400)
Stephen Harper pretty much better pay attention. The alternative is another election and I reckon if he ends up calling one within the next two years, Canadian voters will take up torches and pitchforks and drive him, like a political dr. Frankenstein, from the castle, or at least from Sussex drive.
Tim Belford is host of Quebec AM, CBC Radio's popular off-island morning program.

Gambling fever, big government bucks (545 words)
Quebec's $1.5 billion in annual revenue (figures for 2003-2004), are a part of the $23 billion earned by government-run gambling across the country, which includes 60 permanent casinos as well as gambling machines and lottery ticket centres.
Barbara Florio Graham is the author of the 20th anniversary edition of Five Fast Steps to Better Writing and Mewsings/Musings. Her website: www.SimonTeaKettle.com.

When 'it' itches, 'it' gets scratched (300 words)
Random Acts of Observation by Dr. Anonymous.
Can you relate to this? The good doctor is put off by scratch cards and scratchees. Remember, you'll never know where you'll find the good doctor. Perhaps in line behind you at WalMart. Dining at the neighboring table. Returning a corked bottle of wine to the local supermarket. Stumbling out of the dentist's chair. But whereever the good doctor perambulates, rest assured that all five senses will be focused on the immediate experience and ready to assimilate any tainted data for another random act of observation...

Deciding who steals our tax money - what's the alternative? (580)
There is an election on! Hard not to notice with all our politicians rushing to outdo each other by proudly announcing how many millions they are going to spend. I'm thinking: Hey it's our money, Santa Claus!
Ricky Blue is a Montreal-based humorist, singer, and writer.

Ignoramus's guide to Canada's election 2006 (665)
With the federal vote next Monday, I feel like I have to write an exam I haven't studied for, and now it's the night before and I have to pull an all-nighter, and every time I doze off I dream that I show up for the exam without a pen and in my underwear.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

In Quebec federal politics, three's not a crowd (780 words)
No matter what the final seat tally in Quebec Monday night, one meaningful outcome of the federal election in the province would seem to be the return of a bona fide three-party system.
Peter Black is the producer of CBC Radio's Breakaway program, based in Quebec City, a columnist on Canadian affairs, and a freelance writer.

Blondies, anyone? (570 words)
Dieters shall shield their eyes from this column or say goodbye to any New Years resolution.
Greg Duncan is the LCC's Gallivanting Gourmand.

Vote the Canadian difference -- me (655)
Sadly, no reporters showed up at my press conference, although the way the family dog kept eyeing the snacks while I made my presentation was very reporter-like.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Canada's secret Mulroney-Harper tapes (800 words)
There are reports that former Prime Minister Brian Mulroney has been advising Conservative Leader Stephen Harper during the federal election campaign.
Peter Black is the producer of CBC Radio's Breakaway program, based in Quebec City, a columnist on Canadian affairs, and a freelance writer.

The kindness of strangers (700)
Yes, I know, we live in hectic times here on the mean streets of the early twenty-first century. Really, who has the time and extra energy to be...nice.
John Mahoney edits the LCC.

Paranoid along the US border (600)
The U.S. is Canada's best friend. It's always there for us, ready to tell us what to think. We listen - politely - even though we suspect we're so much better, yet we're still happy to hang out for some laughs and to keep from getting beat up.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

Federal campaign a sideshow in Quebec (700 words)
The evidence suggests - polls sufficing as evidence - that most Quebecers don't give a damn - ils s'en foutent - who wins the January 23 Federal election.
Peter Black is the producer of CBC Radio's Breakaway program, based in Quebec City, a columnist on Canadian affairs, and a freelance writer.

Attention, All Foodies! (460 words)
Out with the old, in with the new ... 2005 gives way to 2006 with a whisk and medley of culinary trends.
Greg Duncan is the LCC's Gallivanting Gourmand.

2005 Year-end Quebec Quiz (875 words)
As fresh as left-over turkey farce, as heart-warming as a corporate Happy Holidays card, and as necessary as perhaps one in ten Christmas gifts, here is the Distinct Society Trivia Quiz, the 2005 edition.
Peter Black is the producer of CBC Radio's Breakaway program, based in Quebec City, a columnist on Canadian affairs, and a freelance writer.

Pass the champagne and wake up mom (580)
New Year's Eve is the Super Bowl Party of holidays. It's built around an event whose hype is greater than its actual significance, there's way too much food and drink, the outcome is usually predictable, and the jocks and cheerleaders are getting all the action.
Ross Murray is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, QC. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca

A Brave New Year A-coming
Use any of these words in a sentence too often and you might find yourself shackled to the floor in a five by five cell at Gitmo with a pimply-faced kid from Kansas trying to shove your copy of the Koran down the toilet. You don't need that.
Jim Austin writes in Putney, Vermont.

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